Discord Writes a Ship Fic

by Phoenix Quill

Back Page Deadline.

At the same time that Discord, Wordsmith, Screwball, and Hearthstone stood outside of the rather large cement structure built into a mountainside, several miles away, Princess Twilight Sparkle was busying herself with her own project. While it would remain to be true that what Discord was setting forth to do that day was of vital importance to the advancement of chaotic based sciences, what she had set forth to do was so vital, that the fate of Equestria rested upon her capable back.

"Spike, what's a four letter word for precipitation?" Twilight asked with a frown as she looked up from the newspapers weekly crossword puzzle.

Spike looked up from his comic book with a deep frown before slamming a palm into the center of his face. "Rain, Twilight, the answer is rain."

"Of course!" Twilight loudly proclaimed as she clopped her hooves together with glee. "It was so obvious!" She then quickly scribbled the word down in the puzzle before pausing to look up again at Spike. "So, what do you know of a common vernacular expletive that comes in four letters that describes the action of-"

The question was left unfinished, as her train of thought was broken by a slight breeze from the nearby open window scattered her papers across the room. "Shoot!" Twilight exclaimed as she quickly set about to reorganize the paper.

"I doubt that's quite the answer that the crossword demands," Spike said with no small amount of snark in the tone of his voice.

"Ha ha. Very funny," Twilight grumbled as she tried to organize the paper properly. As she did, an article had caught her eye, or rather, the name of the writer had caught her attention. "Hey Spike, check this out," she quickly folded the page open to display the rest of the story properly.

"What is it?" Spike said as he sauntered over with mild bemusement. "Did the mayor decide to install another emergency shelter for Ponyville?"

"No," Twilight said as she glanced over the article a few times in thought. "But she probably should, considering." She paused for a few moments in reflection before shaking the train of thought off the tracks. "Anyway, it's right here," she said calmly as she pointed a hoof to the article for Spike to read to himself.

He looked over the title with bemusement for a moment before laughing slightly. "You mean to tell me that Discord wrote a story about you for the local paper?"

"Don't laugh Spike," Twilight chided as she stood to move herself and the paper to a better reading location. "I was the one that told him to take writing as a hobby, I'm just glad that it's starting to pay off for him."

"Yeah, but publication in the Ponyville Press isn't exactly prestigious publication," Spike said with a grin.

"Oh shush," Twilight said as she lay the paper down on a table. "Do you want to read this with me?"

"Eh," Spike shrugged and tried to scratch that one spot on his back that always seemed to itch, but he could never reach. "I think I'd rather go back to the comic I was reading."

"Suit yourself," Twilight said as she sat herself down on a pillow to begin reading.

---

Twilight Sparkle Doesn't Get Her Morning Cup of Coffee
By Lord Discord, The First, Last and only Lord of the Ministry of Practical Chaos. Esquire. LLC. Copyright. Limited.
Edited by Rough Draft

It all started on a Tuesday. Or was it a Thursday? Whatever, it doesn't quite matter. But none-the-less, it all started on a day. Not a night. And definitely not last night.

Where was I, ah, yes. So On the day that had started like so many others, she had stretched and yawned groggily as she slammed her eyes against the brightness of the light that was magnified by living in a giant crystal tree. "Celestia is torturing me," she muttered as she blindly fumbled her way out of bed.

After successfully falling out of the edge of her bed, Twilight gave a groan in defeat as she lay sprawled on the floor. "Why," she said more to herself than anyone else. "Why must I live in a giant prism?"

Slowly, but surely, Twilight managed to open her eyes properly and let them get adjusted to the ambient brightness of her room. As soon as she could see properly, she stood up and shuffled her way through the cavernous crystal tree that she called a home, and attempted to find her kitchen.

At first she stumbled through the halls, a broken mare with hardly the power to manage her way over a sudden carpet that lined part of the floor. But soon enough the initial fog had lifted partly for a few words to seep into her consciousness. Migraine, bright, headache. Need, coffee...

Sure enough, the high level of headache she was currently experiencing was due to none other than the infamous lack of caffeine. It wasn't much talked about in the papers, but if there was something that all the royalty seemed to be addicted to, it was a lack of good ol C8H10N4O2 that was starting to slowly drive her mad.

So it didn't take her long to decide to hustle off to the kitchen for her favorite bean, before she started to climb the walls, or worse still brought harm to somepony over her lack of coffee.

She briskly pushed open the kitchen door and found her resident pet wyrm servant slave assistant Spike had already been awoken before her, and was just starting to make himself a bowl of cereal. "Morning Twilight, how'd you sleep?"

Twilight had meant to say, "Very well Spike, thank you. How did you sleep?" But instead, all that came out was a primordial grunt as she slammed open a cabinet and pulled out a can labeled, Chock Full O' Nuts.

Her magic didn't fumble anymore as she automatically brought the can over to the coffee maker, and she quickly dumped some water into the machine and placed a fresh paper cone inside the filter. All she needed to do now, was add two heaping scoops into the paper filter and turn it on. Something she could do half asleep anyway.

She opened the lid to the coffee can, and screamed at the sudden barrage of spring loaded paper snakes that jumped out at her. "What the," she yelled, but couldn't think of how to finish as the fog that the shock had cleared away started to ebb back, this time with an anger filter added to it. "Spike, where's my coffee?"

"Well, I found out that you had run out, so I thought that if I startled you enough, you'd be awake." Spike explained as logically as possible. "Did it work?"

He looked up to find himself suddenly in the shadow of the much taller alicorn. "No, it didn't work Spike," Twilight said as a strange glow came to her eyes. "But I just discovered something," she said as she began to levitate Spike closer to her muzzle."I just discovered that I hate when anypony pranks me before my morning cup of coffee..."

A few moments later, Twilight walked out of the kitchen with some determination in her step, leaving behind Spike as he struggled out of the duct tape that he'd been stuck to the ceiling with. "Stick around Spike," Twilight said bitterly. "I need to find coffee."

Stop Number One, Ponyville Market

The sights and smells of the open air market that dominated the center of Ponyville was a mostly unwelcome assault on Twilight's senses. As she wandered about, she moved from stall to stall in search of anypony selling any amount of the revered bean, but after the first three stalls, she'd quickly discovered that the usual haunts she'd selected for getting coffee for home were out of stock. And so it was that she'd decided to go ask somepony else that would possibly know what was going on.

"So I came to you, do you know what's going on today Applejack?" Twilight asked before a yawn suddenly overtook her.

"Well shoot," Applejack said in her usual drawl. "Didn't you read the papers this morn'?" Applejack then fished out a copy of that mornings papers. She then showed Twilight, right there on the front of the paper in big headlines it screamed, Trade Agreements Fall Apart, Zebras Brings Export of Coffee to a HALT! "I can't believe that you didn't see it," Applejack said with a small chuckle. "Good thing that I don't drink coffee, or I'd be climbing the walls right now."

Twilight read the article in a matter of seconds, glancing over the most important aspects quickly as the urge to climb walls came over her. She quickly put down the paper in disgust before trotting away. "You alright sugar cube?" Applejack asked tentatively as Twilight headed off.

"I can't answer that to you, because you don't drink coffee, therefore you aren't to be trusted." With that, she quickly headed off to Java Bean's coffee shop. Surely he'd have what she desired, even if it was just one lone cup. As she moved farther away, Applejack picked up a small microphone and spoke softly into it. "Abort mission, she's onto us."

Stop Number Two, Java Bean's

Twilight turned around the corner half a block from one of her more usual morning haunts, Java Bean's. As she turned the block however, she quickly ran into somepony's rear and fell over onto her. Who fell into the pony in front of her, and so on for the long half a block line of mares and stallions that were waiting patiently to get into the business. It all came to a head as the last domino of a pony up front fell over and smashed his muzzle into the counter.

Everypony in the line stood and quickly looked back to see the start of the trouble was Twilight, and gave her a dark glare. She had the ability to blush sheepishly for a few seconds before they all went back to their business of waiting in line.

Five minutes later, and Twilight had only barely managed to not fall back asleep as the line shuffled a few pony lengths forward. She had at this point decided that it would probably suit her for the best if she tried to think of what flavor she'd want in her coffee before going in.

Half an hour later, the line had dwindled down as the ponies up front had been served their drinks and happily trotted out with their much needed morning perk. Twilight however was at this moment trying not to strangle the pony behind her that wouldn't stop talking.

Another half an hour later, and Twilight had finally snapped and had taped shut the mouth of the mare behind her, and settled in for the ongoing headache, and attempted to massage her temples to help.

Finally, after a grand total of one and a quarter hours of standing in line, it was finally time for her to be served a drink. This was it, the moment she'd been waiting for, finally, Twilight was going to get her morning cup of coffee! Oh sure, it was now nine in the morning, and it wasn't going to get any earlier, but at least now, she knew that her routine could finally begin properly.

Java Bean smiled brightly at her, as he leaned onto the counter, exausted, but ready for yet another order. "Twilight Sparkle, haven't seen you in a few weeks. How's things going for you?"

"Need, coffee." Twilight answered in softly measured words as she lay a few bits on the counter.

Java Bean looked at the bits and gave a small sigh. "Sorry Twilight, but I'm afraid that due to the shortage, we're out of coffee."

The words hit Twilight like a small truckload of bricks. She twitched slightly as she leaned closer to the shop owner and whispered, "Then what are you doing open right now?"

"Well, I've got tea," he offered with a small smile as he pointed to a rack of several teas. "I had coffee up until a few customers ago, but if you really want a cuppa coffee, I still have some decaf and-"

"Decaf is for the weak," Twilight said as her magic started to grab Java Bean by the scruff of his collar. "I need real coffee!" With that, she let go of the stallion and grabbed her bits to try somewhere else.

Stop Number Three, Sugar Cube Corner

The little bell above the shop rang gleefully as Twilight entered the thankfully empty shop. Pinkie Pie was behind the register and the first thing that she noticed about Twilight was that she had a definite slump to her attitude. Something was off about her, it was as if the light had been shut off in her eyes, and she was only one step away from doing something terrible.

Twilight stomped her way to the counter, a dangerous glow in her bloodshot eyes as she slammed a bag of bits on the counter. "Coffee. I know you have it Pinkie, give me all your coffee."

Pinkie Pie looked at Twilight as she nervously tapped her hooves on the counter. Twilight had a visible twitch as she stood there, and she knew that anything might set her off at any moment. So like a seasoned bomb squad pony, Pinkie tried to defuse Twilight Sparkle, potential H-bomb. "Uh, well, I think I have something in the back of the store, let me just have a look around."

Pinkie burst through the kitchen doors in a rush, and started opening doors in a panic. "Misses Cake, please tell me that we still have our stash of coffee somewhere back here!"

Misses Cake looked at the rushing pink pony with worry as she quickly filed through the cabinet doors before slamming them shut and trying another one. "Pinkie dear, I know that you have a bit of an energy crisis right now, but you know that we don't have anymore coffee."

Pinkie opened another door and pushed a button in the back. "I can't tell Twilight that we're out of coffee, have you seen her?!"

Misses Cake looked worried suddenly, and she glanced a peek out of the kitchen to see the twitchy princess slumped over the counter licking a dark brown stain of spilled coffee from who knows how long ago. "Oh my goodness."

"Oh my goodness is right!" Pinkie cried as she galloped up the stairs from behind the closet. "I don't have anything in my party stores either! All I have is my stash of Twenty Four Hour Energy drinks!" She held one up in contemplation. "Maybe this will be okay?"

Twilight was becoming quickly uncomfortably un-energetic. Desperate for anything to reign in her focus, she gave a small nod, wincing slightly from her headache.

Faster than the pony eye could track, Pinkie quickly dissappeared, then reappeared with a small bottle that looked as if it had no more than a few drops of liquid. Twilight gave the bottle a bleary eyed look of disgust, and quickly popped open the bottle to down it in seconds.

It tasted like crushed vitamins mixed with a fruit pouch drink, but she got it down without much hassle. "So, how do you feel Twilight?" Pinkie asked with a smile.

Twilight didn't move, but instead stood as still as a statue. After more than ten seconds of not moving to even blink, and seeming to not breathe, Pinkie became worried.

That was when she noticed that Twilight's pupils began to dialate. Twilight also began to vibrate violently, like she was a pony on a shake table. Then Twilight suddenly became very animated, and moved at a speed that was uncomfortable to watch. "OHBYCELESTIAITHINKTHATICANDOTHETHINGINEEDEDTODO,HURRYTHERE'SCOFFEETOBEHAD!" And with that, Twilight gave a mighty leap, leaving a set of alicorn shaped holes from the celing, through all the floors all the way to the roof, letting dusty sunshine spill over the display case.

"Oh, Missus cake isn't going to believe this, or like it either." Pinkie said with a frown.

Deep out in space, a federation ship glided silently towards a nebula. "Senior officers, report for duty, commander," the captain said as she sat down in the captain's chair. Set a new course, there's coffee in that nebula."

The ship accelerated forward, and as the nebula grew nearer, a small orb with what looked like an electronic eye shouted, "SPAAAAAACE!" before passing out of sight of the ship.

"Voyager logs, stardate... something, I can't remember. Captain Sparkle reporting, we've been in lost in the far side of the galaxy for some time, and it is unknown to the crew when we will be home at Equestria again, but-"

Twilight woke up from the dream with the sudden jolt of what felt like a sledge hammer to the horn. "Wha-"

"She's gaining conciousnes, everypony back away!"

Twilight smacked her mouth a few times, trying to figure out the right word for the strange, sticky feeling. "Ugh, my mouth tastes like," she paused, unsure of just the right way to put it. "Like, there's a party in my mouth, and everypony is throwing up."

"Twenty-four hour energy?" Somepony nearby asked, as Twilight gave a shaky nod the crowd began to murmer. "Alright, we need to get 'er to the ER, on three, lift. One, two, three, LIFT!" And with that, the pair of paramedics quickly picked up the rather unfortunate stallion that Twilight had fallen on.

Twilight sat up dazed for a moment before asking, "hey what about me?"

"You're an alicorn, I'm sure you'll be fine," one of the paramedics responded as she scooted away with the stallion.

The crowd broke up and watched as the ambulance wagon was hauled away, the pony pulling making "wa-uhh wa-uhh" noises as he ran. Twilight Sparkle however, felt perfectly fine for the first time all day. "Well," she said to herself. "I guess that I'll be alright, surely nothing bad could come out of an energy drink instead of drinking coffee, right?"

Forty eight hours later...

Things were on fire. This was an accurate description of Ponyville on a typical Saturday, but usually it was minimal, and easy to repair. This was not the case.

"I AM YOUR GODDESS! BRING ME MORE ENERGY!" Twilight bellowed before downing another energy drink and moving on to the next shop. She looked at the name of the store, the pear store and proceeded to set it on fire. "THIS STORE SELLS NO PEARS! IT SELLS MAGICAL AND MECHANICAL COMPUTATION DEVICES! ILLOGICAL! IT MUST BE DESTROYED!"

Naturally, fans of the company completely failed to save a single device, simply because Doors users wished to, and did, add lamp oil to the fire. The Pear fan's tears were said to be salty, but useless for putting out the latest fire to Ponyville.

"Pinkie," Rainbow Dash shouted over the sounds of destruction's synthetic string sounds. "We need to do something!"

Pinkie lifted the silver visor up from her face and stepped out of the silver colored vehicle to dramatically look at one of the many watches on her left foreleg. "If my calculations are correct, when that pony hits 88 hours awake, were gonna see some serious-"

"We don't have eighty eight hours!" Rarity yelled as she ran to dodge a flaming toaster. "We need to stop her now!"

Pinkie looked at her watches and then chuckled. "Oops, silly me. I was looking at the wrong watch. She's gonna pass out in... two seconds."

Twilight turned to the local cinema, and started throwing bits at the front doors. "I WISH TO FUND MORE DOCUMENTARIES! She suddenly fell forward and snored loudly in the large pile of coins, which were quickly swept away by the local populace.

"Wow," Rainbow Dash said as she wiped her brow from sweat. "How'd you know Pinkie?"

"Silly Dashie," she said with a sad shake of her head. "For every great rush, there's a crash." She then stuck a cork on Twilight's horn and grabbed some twine from who knows where, and tied up Twilight. "And that's how Equestria was saved."

The fire raged on of course, but hey, what do you want.

---

Celestia chuckled lightly to herself as she finished the story. That's when the door to her dining room burst open as Twilight marched in. "Princess Celestia, I think we need to talk. Discord's getting way out of hoof!"

Celestia clicked a button down on her stopwatch and looked at it. "Hmm, five minutes and forty two seconds, you found Discord's story pretty fast I see." She then raised a mug and passed it over to Twilight with a smile. "Have you had your coffee yet? I poured you a cup."

Author's Note:

Next chapter available soon as I can.

Comments

[lazyreader19]

I liked the end. It's great to see Celestia's humour.

[pahnazd]

Celestia, your not-so-subtle trolling has been noted. And loved

[PhycoKrusk]

[Alondro]

but if there was something that all the royalty seemed to be addicted to, it was a lack of good ol C8H10N4O2 that was starting to slowly drive her mad.

At least is wasn't either C7H8N4O2 compound! Horses have issues with those! So do dogs and cats.

Trade Agreements Fall Apart, Zebras Brings Export of Coffee to a HALT!

See, THIS is what caused FoE, not some stupid coal shortage! Coal is everywhere, duh! But COFFEE, that's TROPICAL!

Except for the one tree I have grown indoors... all mine... Twilight gets none of it.