Discord Writes a Ship Fic

by Phoenix Quill

The day that Canterlot went crazy.

The Ministry of Practical Chaos had been open for exactly one week and a day. That meant only one thing, it was Tuesday again. Discord was managing things pretty well so far from his old office space, and was just going over the latest piece of paperwork with Princess Luna. "So, what is the location for this new office?"

"It will be located upon the corner of Star Swirl Way and Nobel Road," Luna replied with a yawn. "How much longer doth this usually take? I would like to go to sleep someday."

"Shouldn't take too much longer," Discord said with a smile. "I just need you to sign here, saying you approve of this budget, and I sign in agreement and we are done." Luna nodded sleepily at him before putting a set of glasses onto the end of her muzzle and continuing reading. After a few moments of silence she stopped reading and a small snore emitted from her. "Again?" Discord rolled his eyes as he read over the fine print, snapped his fingers, and a train whistle appeared next to Luna and went off.

"WE ARE AWAKE!" She looked around for a moment before realizing what had just happened, and felt rather awkward. "We, er, I am sorry. It's just that, what do you need this new office for anyway? You just had a new lobby installed here."

Discord signed one of the papers before passing it to Luna and picking up the next one. "Well, while this place is a great environment for us to work in, we have been having issues with long term filing." He continued to read the sheet of paper before turning it over, only to find even more writing on the back. "There's also a problem with how most ponies react to our building in more serious situations. I told you about the new contract with the hospital right?"

"Mmm," she replied with a nod before signing her name on the paper before her. "You're helping out with the Changeling Program aren't you? What is it that you're helping with on that?"

Discord thumbed through a folder for a few moments before he found what he needed while he answered. "Doctor Offering Heart's program is a pretty good one, but what we're doing is offering ponies a chance to see what will happen to them before they agree to anything." He glanced over the latest paper for a few moments before rubbing his eyes and sighing. "We had a mare come in for help because her foal might need a conversion to live and she threw a fit. She said we were tactless."

Luna tried to hide her laugh, but Discord caught on anyway. "Oh come on, don't laugh over this! I sent Screwball to talk to her, and everything! It's not like we're going to remodel the entire building over one new division!" It was too late now however, Luna was laughing openly at this point. Not at what the mare was there for, but at Discord's misfortune. "Okay, it's not even close to that funny."

"Yes it is!" Luna said between a fit of giggles. "Just think about it, if this happened last year, you would have told the mare, 'too bad you don't like it,' and sent her on her rump! Now you're bending over backwards to open a new office just to make a select few ponies feel better when they make an initial appointment!"

Discord failed to see the humor in it still, and just rolled his eyes. "Hardy har-har-har," he said in a flat tone before passing Luna a piece of paper. "There's the last of it. Sign it and you can go straight to bed." He then snapped his fingers and a side door opened up from nowhere leading to Luna's room.

"Yes, that would be ideal," she said, followed by another yawn. She quickly scribbled her name on the document before heading to the door in the middle of the room. "Well good morrow Discord. I shall see you in the evening."

"More than likely," he said with a slight smile. "I'll be in the castle in a bit myself, big meeting with the other ministers."

"Hmm, have fun with that." Luna yawned once again into her wing before shutting the door behind her, and it disappeared as if never there.

"Well that was, dull as ever," Discord said with a frown. He then gathered all the papers, and stuffed them into a pneumatic tube to send them to the proper place before he sat down at his desk. He fiddled around with a pen for a few seconds before tossing it up in the air and waited for it to come down. He held out his paw expectantly, but nothing happened. Finally, he looked up and saw that he had managed to stick it into the soft tile like it was a dart.

He groaned slightly and pointed at it, and then his desk. It then rocketed down and impaled him through the leg. Discord looked at the pen for a few seconds and didn't move. All he did was look off to his side and say, "Normally, anyone else would say that this hurts. But in my case, I'm going to say that this really, really REALLY hurts." He then pulled the pen out with a grunt and threw the pen into a wormhole to another universe where it probably assaulted a low level politician.

However, something else came back, and it attacked Discord's face. He gave out a small scream before it bounced harmlessly off his antler and clattered to the desk. "Huh, what's this?" He picked up the small jar and turned it over a few times. "Newman's Own Salsa Con Queso." He stared at the face of, what he assumed to be Newman. A smiling older human male wearing a sombrero, and a ridiculous mustache. "Clearly this came from a world with humans. Humans like to eat bad things, but they like to make bad things taste good. Too bad I don't have any chips."

As if in answer, another object fell out of the portal. "I thought I closed you!" He shut the wormhole with a snap before investigating the latest object. "Huh, Pringles." He opened the tube, and discovered that they were indeed chips. "It's almost as if I am supposed to have a snack time or something! Must be my lucky day."

He weighed the options for a few moments before shrugging and opening the jar. "Well, at least now I know that they like salsa and cheese too." He grabbed a chip, and was just about to take a bite when he noticed something. "What on earth is that smell?"

Sure enough, there was a smell, like urine, vomit and a dead cat all rolled into one with some other mysterious smell. It filled the room with a noxious gas that caused his potted plant to suddenly curl up and die. "Well, that's something you don't see everyday."

After a moment of thinking, Discord looked at the salsa con queso and held the chip in his talon. "Well, maybe it tastes better than it smells." With a trembling talon, he dipped the chip into the more than likely fake cheese. It reacted by burbling more foul fumes to it's surface before allowing the chip to take away a piece of it's gooey body.

Slowly, he raised the chip out of the yellow lake of who-knows-what-is-actually-in-there, and raised it to his muzzle. The smell began to fade as his nostrils became adjusted, and he quickly popped the chip in his mouth. The flavor hit him like the inside of a roadkill skunk, and as he quickly shut the jar and threw it to the other end of the room, thoughts began to flash through his mind. Oh by the creators, what do I do? If I spit it out, this place is going to reek for who knows how long. But if I swallow, who knows what will happen to me! What do I do, what do I do?!

He looked as his garbage can suddenly ran away, and he knew what he had to do. What he always had to do. He swallowed. The after taste sat on his tongue for a few moments as he scrambled to pop as many of the Pringles down his gullet to kill the flavor of the salsa. It wasn't until he ate the whole can that the taste was finally gone, and he pushed a button on his intercom. "Hello, lab? Get somepony or gryphon over here. I have a substance I need studied."

"Is it hazardous?" The voice cackled back.

"Full bio-hazard threat, be sure to keep sealed until you get it into a closed and sanitary environment!"

"Will do sir, we will be there in two minutes!"

"Good, I'll be here." He ended the conversation with a press of a button, and sat down. He stayed silent as he waited, and began once again to fiddle with his desk. That's when he heard a burbeling sound come from his guts. "Huh, that dip couldn't have been that bad, could it?"

His body responded with a louder burble, and he suddenly sat up straight. "OOooh, okay, uh. Let's see, should I stay or should I go?"

He felt nervous and began to drum his mismatched hands on the table. It was only then that he noticed the label on the can of chips. "Diet pringles... you betrayed me." Quick as a flash he got up from the desk and ran, still stiff as a board to the nearest restroom. Three floors down.

---

Twilight Sparkle sat down in the theater seat and gave off a sigh as the images continued to flicker on the screen. "Just what we needed, a night out, just the two of us. Right Spike?"

Spike nodded as he continued to munch on his over sized tub of popcorn. "Mhmm!" He then swallowed hard and grabbed another fistful of the snack. "And it's a double feature tonight! So, what's going to play first?"

"Well, there's still a couple short subjects and cartoons. Wagon Train to the Stars will play first, but I think the news is up next."

Spike suddenly slouched in his seat and gave a mighty groan. "Aww, I hate the news."

"It's only five minutes," Twilight chided as the News came on. "After that, there's probably going to be a cartoon."

"I hope it's one with Foxy in it," he grumbled as somepony shushed him, and the news finally started. On the screen it showed Canterlot as ponies walked through the streets and a camera filmed the whole thing, before turning to face the crowd in the theater.

"Eye on the news," the announcer said in a dramatic voice as the fanfare built up. The music changed suddenly as it showed several ponies running in panic. "Canterlot," the narrator said, once again using a dramatic voice. "Is in a panic, as there was a sudden explosion near the center of our great capitol city."

The shot changed to show an altogether familiar building with a giant blast hole in it. "Oh by Celestia," Twilight said. "What happened?"

"The epicenter of the explosion, was here! At the newly reopened Ministry of Practical Chaos! Speaking to you now, is Minister Lord Discord. Discord, what do you have to say about this incident?"

"Never eat diet Pringles."

"Thank you Minister of Practical Chaos, Lord Discord. And in related news today, a giant, horrible smelling monster that resembles warm vomit has been terrorizing Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns."

It sounded too fantastic to be real, but there it was on the screen in glorious black and white. It stood as tall as the medical ward, and twice as wide as it took a swipe at several unicorns fleeing the scene. Even from the distance that the shot was made from, she spotted what looked like a smiling face printed on a jar. What creature was smiling, she wouldn't ever know. Once again to speak on it, is Discord."

"I should probably add that this Salsa Con Queso monster is Newman's own brand of dip, and is theoretically edible. But I advise against it. Now excuse me, my porcelain throne has suddenly called me."

The news droned on after that with another report from another city, but Twilight payed no attention. Anger built up inside her, as she shouted out the name that was destined to forever be her bane. "DISCORD!"

She was then promptly shushed by everypony around her as an usher came up to her seat. "One more shush at you and I'll have to throw you out ma'am."

"You wouldn't dare throw me out! I'm a princess!"

Another shush rang across the theater, and Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship suddenly found herself quite alone on the sidewalk. Angry, and demanding to be let back into the theater.

Spike meanwhile, continued to munch on his popcorn as Foxy drove his trolley car through town, singing a song about smiling or something. "Eh, I've seen this one."

Author's Note:

Yeah, I'm a bad person.
Next chapter will be a story by Discord. Anyone care to guess the ship?

Hint: It has nothing to do with this chapter, I just kinda felt like writing this for no good reason.

Also, the cartoon Spike is watching is called "Smile Darn Ya Smile" It stars Foxy and is from 1931. Look it up because, why not.

Comments

[ThePMB-Brony]

"Never Eat Diet Pringles"

[Phoenix Frost]

4904263 I want to be the one to break that number SOOO bad

[Gapeagle]

Wait, there is such a thing as diet Pringles?

Huh.

[King Kenya]

This isn't based on a life experience is it? If so, you have my sympathy.

[Phil Srobeighn]

Alternate title: A True and Wholly Accurate Depiction of Salsa Con Queso

[Alondro]

The Day That Canterlot Went Crazy...

Uhm... you might need to be a little more specific... narrow it down a tad.

[Alondro]

Sure enough, there was a smell, like urine, vomit and a dead cat all rolled into one with some other mysterious smell. It filled the room with a noxious gas that caused his potted plant to suddenly curl up and die.

Discord opened a portal into New Jersey and some of the air got through!!

I live there, so don't contradict me!

[Phoenix Quill]

4911228
Perhaps the three hundred and seventy second thousandth, two hundred and ninety first time that Canterlot Went Crazy for a day would have been a more specific title?

Or, The day that Discord Unleashed his Cheesiness upon Canterlot, and the smell made them all temporarily crazy?

[Alondro]

4911276 I'm rather particular to crazy day #272,859...

...I've never seen turnips behave that way.

But never, EVER again do I wish to lay eyes upon another crazy day as #2,631... the Noodles...

[Phoenix Quill]

4911506
Oh Celestia, why did you have to bring up the noodles!
They were everywhere, and, Oh, it was like they were just taken off the stove! How did that even happen? Did we get an explanation on that incident?!

[Alondro]

4911932 There is an explanation.

Only, everyone who has ever heard it... died instantly.

theflickchicks.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/The-Noodle-Incident.jpg

[Paladin Redflare]

I won't be watching that video from 1931 because.... why should I?

[Phoenix Quill]

4927962

~shrugs~ You don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought that I would put in a source for what the reference was in case nobody got the joke.

Because sometimes my humor is broken, and where I think there's a joke, there often isn't one.

[Paladin Redflare]

4930654

[Phoenix Quill]

4930805

[Paladin Redflare]

4931006 Ah ah ah ah ah ah!

[furryman]

Freddy the Fox, my favorite Mickey Mouse ripoff and possibly one of the most obscure cartoon characters ever.

[Phoenix Quill]

7446708 you want obscure? How about Buddy from Warner Bros, Julius the cat from Disney, or Hoppity Hooper from J Ward?