Mail Call
Discord woke up with a headache better left undescribed, and still slumped on the floor by the door. "Ugh, what happened?" Discord looked around for a clue as to what could have possibly brought him to this state, and found the broken typewriter on the floor next to him. He stood up and looked, only to find his room in even worse of a state than he remembered, and a blue unicorn snoring on his bed. After several moments of groaning to himself, Discord finally stood upright, and shook the cobwebs out of his head before assessing the damage.
Other than the pony he had accidentally broken, twice, the room had very little in the way of things being damaged beyond repair. For the most part, the items in the room that suffered the most, were things that could easily be set on fire, like his collection of fine dryer lint from around the world, or the spare horsehair for his viola bow. Not to mention the still smoldering blaze that was his comforter blanket in the fireplace.
Discord was about to just snap his fingers to make everything the way he likes it, when he noticed a beeping sound. He turned, and found nothing really out of the ordinary. The beeping continued, it was in a constant, repeating monotone pattern. He turned around to face the desk by the window, and found the thirty pound five inch screen monitor smashing his keyboard. "Oh for the love of Celestia, why?!" Quickly, he picked up the monitor, and started to close the window proclaiming something or another about an error, and found underneath on the desktop, a file simply titled, Feeling Fine, a short story. Discord tilted his head and said, "They say a story is the window into an author's soul, looks as if he's making a recovery." He then double clicked the image, while subconsciously snapping his fingers to make the room as neat and organized as he cares for it to be. After saying a few choice words about how slow his PC was, the story finally opened.
Feeling Fine
By ....
What is my name, not knowing my name makes me go crazy, what is my name? What is my name. What. Is. MY NAME?! what's my name? OH MY NAME! What is it? what is in a name? What's my name? what's my name? What is my name? Who am I? I think, therefore I am? Do I even exist? What is my name? Who am I? Why do I remember being shot out of a canon? When did that ever happen to me? Who is that pink pony? Oh Celestia, this device shows me things, I have never been meant to see. What are those creatures standing on hind legs? WHAT AM I?! WHO AM I?! what does it mean? What is my name, what is my name? All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I SHOULD NOT HAVE WATCHED THAT FILM! Discord did something to me, I just know it! What are these thoughts and feelings in my mind? Who am I?! Do I have a family? Friends? Do I have a mother? I hope it's not Discord. I shudder to think that I am a part of him in any way! Not knowing my name makes me go crazy! Who am I? What am I? I am a pony, a unicorn stallion, but what is my name? What do I do for a living? Do I write? Who am I?
Discord read the "story" to himself in silence. as he scrolled down, the same long paragraph would repeat over, and over again. Written in different styles, fonts and ways, yet always conveying the same message. "How do you like it?"
Discord, could not help but scream like filly at the sudden, creepy introduction to his guest. The pony stood behind him, horn lit with a spell ready to go aimed right at Discord, "All I need is a title. What do you think of, Not knowing my name makes me, something something."
Discord tilted his head slightly at the mad unicorn. "Go crazy?" He offered politely.
"Don't mind if I do!" He yelled in Discord's face suddenly, before making a series of screams and body jerks in front of Discord.
He watched him wig out for a few moments before Discord frowned deeply with boredom. "Yes, that's very nice and all. But I have work to do today, so why don't you just go downtown and have an existential crisis with somepony else." Discord paused and grabbed a bag of bits off of one of the many shelves in his room and tossed it at the pony. "Go get yourself some breakfast at Joe's or something. I have to go to work, soon as you are done eating, I'll send Screwball out to get you." With that said, Discord disappeared, leaving the unicorn to his own devices.
The unicorn looked around the room for a few moments and continued to foam at the mouth while spinning and bucking the air. Suddenly he came to a halt, grabbed the bag of bits and spilled it out onto the bed and counted it out. "Whoa, that fool paid out almost a thousand bits! Time to go shopping, Silk Street, here I come!"
It was nearly nine in the morning now, and for some reason, today has been proving to be a particularly slow one for Discord's ministry. He had already gone through all the paperwork that was supposed to take him all day, and it wasn't until lunch time when they would have what was jokingly called a company meeting to discuss the future of the ministry.
As he sat back in the chair, Discord flicked a sharp pencil up to the tiled ceiling, and giggled into his paw when it stuck in like a dart. After waiting for a few moments to see if it would fall back down, and realizing that it wouldn't, Discord sighed and pushed the intercom button on his desk, "Miss Screwball, has our latest employee finished breakfast yet?"
Silence echoed through the speaker for a few moments, before Screwball answered by blowing a raspberry over the speaker.
"Screwball! I know you are perfectly capable of speaking plain and simple Equine! Now try again, and use your words like a big mare."
"Hiya folks, you say lost your latest project of chaos?" The mare said in a near perfect impersonation of an old philosopher mare. " Ya say ya gave him a job today? Ya say its 9 A.M. and your colt ain't home from eating yet?"
Discord rolled his eyes slightly, "Real cute. Just tell me where is he?"
"Ya say your employee went out for a doughnut or two this morning, - and the doughnut came back but he didn't?"
Discord pulled on his beard slightly as he contemplated what she was trying to say. "Well, I did get this box of jelly doughnuts this morning, but I don't know where from..."
Ya say your furniture is out all over the sidewalk cause ya accidentally made a pony go mad? And ya got chapped lips, and paper cuts, and your feets all swollen up and blistered from pounding the pavement looking for him? Is that whats troubling ya fellow?"
Discord started to reply when the fanfare of a marching band suddenly erupted throughout the room, as Screwball shouted loudly in the same voice, "Well lift your head up high, and take a walk in the sun with dignity and stick-to-it-ness! And ya show the world, ya show the world where to get off! You'll never give up, never give up, never give up...that ship!"
As the music died down Discord laughed a little bit at how she managed to surprise him, then he answered, "Real cute but what does that have to do with anything?"
Screwball simply answered with saying, "In the summer time when the weather is high, you could streatch right up and touch the sky!"
"ENOUGH WITH THE SINGING! This game has gone on long enough, now where is that unicorn!" Discord finally yelled.
After a few moments of silence, Screwball finally replied with a sigh. Then said, "He just left Hoity Toity's fashion boutique on Silk Street. It seems like he has been shopping for clothes and writing supplies."
Discord nodded slightly at the report, "Very good, keep an eye on him, and bring him to me as soon as he is done eating breakfast, Discord out." As he went to disconnect, the mare responded with another raspberry over the line.
Finally finished with that business, Discord looked up at the clock over the doorway out of his office with a grin to see if it was almost time for the meeting, only to find that three measly minutes had passed. "ARRGH! What am I going to do for three hours!"
That's when he spied it, the old Royal Typewriter and several sheets of blank paper. "No, I shouldn't! Not when I'm working," he said holding his mismatched hands up between him and the paper while looking away. "Besides, it's not right."
After several moments of looking at a poster on his wall of a kitten hanging from a tree branch saying, Hang In There, he looked back at the typewriter and dove right in, "Oh but it's so much fun Discord!"
Mail Call
By Discord
This story begins in the magical land of Equestria, where the grass grows, pegasus ponies fly, and (brudda, I hurt people lol) hay is the most popular meal. It was a late evening, and inside the Royal Equestrian Mail Post Office, stood a grey pegasus pony. She had a blonde mane and tail, and seven bubbles on her flank. Her name was Ditzellia Esmerelda Doo, or Ditzy Doo for short. Still again to others, she was known simply as Derpy Hooves.
In the past, the name Derpy bothered her, but after the end of her adventures, such trivial things failed to bother her, and she has grown to accept the name, even smiling at it. But, we are not here to hear the life story of a mare and the origins of a nickname, but rather to set a scene. (I think it's okay to have all this writing to set the scene... maybe I'll consult whats his face pony when he decides to come into work)
Derpy Hooves was hard at work nearly alone in the post office, making sure things were squared away properly for the night. "Hey, Ditzellia!" She turned to the voice of the only other pony in the building, her boss, Boxxy. She couldn't help herself, but smile sheepishly, after a few moments he signaled to her with a hoof. "Come into my office, we need to talk about these late nights you have been pulling lately."
Derpy grinned bashfully at her boss as she slid one of the packages aside, "What do you mean? I'm just making sure I finish my work before I go home." Even as she explained this, she continued to slide more letters and packages into neat piles around her station.
"That's what I want to talk to you about, just step into my office." He gestured to the open door with a wing and slightly worried smile. "I think that there might be a problem with your paycheck this week."
The grey pony looked down at the floor the entire time that she walked into the office. She looked up at Boxxy with her golden eyes wet with tears, and rightfully so! He looked down with a comforting smile and led her in. "Don't worry, I'm trying to help you." With that, he shut the door behind them leaving the main room in complete silence.
Oh, did I say complete? I should say mostly silence, for as soon as the slam resonated through the post office, the only sound that could be heard, was the slight buzzing of the electric lights, and the soft ticking of a clock in Ditzy's work station. The voices of Ditzy and her boss were so muffled from his office, that it was almost as if they were not there at all.
In the center of the room, a pile of boxes sat on a low table, ready to be sent out to the various corners of Ponyville in the morning. As peaceful and silent as any box could be asked to do so when unattended. Suddenly, one of the boxes shifted slightly. It was an ever so slight movement, one that could almost be missed if it wasn't for the fact that it had done so again moments later.
The rouge package jumped off the table and landed on the hard tile floor with a sickeningly loud thud, followed by moaning. "Ugh, I thought she would never leave. Where's my pocket knife?" The voice said with a muffled voice through the box. A blade pierced the skin of the box, making a neat cut along the tape keeping the package closed. Soon, the flaps were free to spill it's contents out. It was a pony. "AHAH! I knew shipping myself would work! Come along Gold Digger!" He called out cheerfully to another box on the table.
The other box shifted, and soon enough burst open to reveal a dull yellow mare. She groaned for a few moments as she kicked her way out of the box in a rush, grumbling under her breath the whole time. Finally, after several moments, she pulled a purse out of her box and glared at the earth pony before her. "Cheapskate, I can't believe it! You are a billionaire, and you wouldn't pay the ten bits to ride the train?!"
The green stallion grinned from ear to ear, "For your information, I saved three bits shipping us to Ponyville! Besides, everypony rides the train."
"Everypony rides the train for a reason, it's safe! I've been stuck in that box for two days just to get from Canterlot, to Ponyville! We could have been here two days ago, in comfort! I mean, I have cramps in places I never knew I could get a cramp!"
Cheapskate smiled as he wrapped his forelegs around his wife. "My dear sweet love, don't think of it as torture in a box. Think of it as, an adventure!"
The mare looked her husband in the eyes, and was about to tell him off, when she heard the muffled voices from the office. "Well, I'm going to my mother's house. AND I'm taking the train!" With that, she stormed her way out of the post office as quietly as she could.
"Honey bun, wait!" He whisper shouted to her as the door shut quietly behind her. Cheapskate stood in the deserted room for a few more moments, then began to gallop after her. Suddenly, he came to a stop when he saw a book of stamps. He looked at the stamps for a few moments, then shrugged and took the entire book, and left a single bit coin on the table before leaving after his wife. "I knew I shouldn't have married a pony named Gold Digger." He mumbled to himself before the door shut behind him.
A few moments later, the office door opened, letting Ditzy and her boss out. "Well, I'm glad that we have that straightened out Ditzellia, see you on Monday."
Ditzy nodded as she clocked out, and her boss followed suit. The two trotted to the door, one with a bounce in her step, the other shuffling with a look of exhaustion. As Ditzy grabbed her delivery bag, she noticed a coin. Curious, she grabbed it with a few primary feathers from her wing and exammined the coin with her one good eye. "Wow, a neoclassical bit, this thing's almost a thousand years old, and it looks brand new!" Ditzy exclaimed aloud to herself. "Well, I know a certain antique store that will give me a few thousand newer bits for you!"
THE END
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I detect shenanigans brewing.
I do indeed. Ach! Why did I not like/favorite you sooner?
And I see that TF2 Meet the Scout reference. And I like it. Moar, please.
2911005
You shall have moar soon enough Farseer!
Not as good as other chapters but I still laughed at times.
I remain convinced that soon enough, Discord will write a spaceshipfic.
Discord should get a sponsorship from Fedex or UPS or- no I have a better idea- Maersk.
(lol sponsorSHIP)
The package was a cosmetic? I think you meant rogue
Also, can someone please explain the Discord fic to me? I don't understand it at all, unless if that was the intention.
2911787 Heh, now I want to see FedEx and UPS shipped.
2912142 On a Maersk container ship.
2912163 Hey, could be worse; I once shipped my pants with K-mart.
Wow. He's improving on his writing! Good job Discord!
Sweeeeet.
Like candy, this chapter is!
What is a name? A miserable pile of letters!
But enough talk. Have at you!
Dat Meet the Scout reference. My sides, they hurt.
I went to watch Meet The Scout immediately after reading that reference. And Boxxy.
luv the simpsons reference
DERPY!!!!! But was honestly disappointed by the lack of laughs in the chapter....aww
Dat ship fic, I think I was mesmerized by reading it.
Discord screaming like a filly/girl? Now that's a funny image. I just imagine going something like this...
Team Fortress 2 reference!
(I just HAD to comment that.)
Score: Infinity out of 10
Screwball is the feline philosopher?
From Garfield and friends? Ha! Hahahahahahaha!
And remember, a bird in the hand (bum-bum!) is very unsanitary
Never give up! Never give up that wind-up mouse!
2911990
it's the disagreement we're talking about
if you understand something, i would be worried.
more if you really want to understand.
spend a whole day watching a marathon of old drawings, 60.70s and 80s ... and a little bit of the 90s