wrestleforever
Joined 20th Apr, 2013 ·
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Get a freaking proofreader
My Mary Sue detector is off the charts. This seriously feels like a Mary Sue self-insert story awkwardly rewritten to incorporate ponies.
So in conclusion, no. Please no.
_
_
Dude, another one? I'll read this through before I start ripping on it but on average a chapter is around one thousand words. Keep that in mind.
2544156 It's a guy just churning out trollfics
Ok, lets actually try to improve. I'll point out basics. By the way I will be copying this if you decide to delete my post
Don't put things in asterisks like that, try something else, maybe like so...
Also I would veer away from the name Jack. Jack is a human name but ponies, in general, do not do human names. Their names are descriptive and can typically tell us about the pony itself if done correctly.
Younger than what? Older than what? Older makes me picture geriatric and younger makes me picture foals. Maybe say her preferred snatching newborn foals from nurseries, fillies from the very playgrounds, or the elderly from where they prepared to rest their brittle bones.
So he sees a cardboard box and thinks, "hey maybe the new shipment of foals arrived?" People and especially ponies don't see a brown box and think there might be a child in there unless there is a reason. Is the box trembling? Is there snoring? Maybe he can see a flash of orange fur.
The only building we have seen in ALL of Equestria that might be thirty (by the way spell out numbers) stories tall would be Canterlot Castle where the royal alicorn sisters rule. Which has not been relocated to Ponyville.
Ok without correcting your spelling or grammar for the most part, there are some pointers of what you can improve within your first chapter.
Mediocre troll 7/10.
And that somepony's you!
2544182 I figured out he's le mastur rusemen when I read his bio:
Hah.
2544199 Hehehe...
Silly trolls...
Judging by the fact that you just love to delete comments, we have a pretty potential fic to be added to "The Chatroom Creators"
2544182
I appear to have been coaxed into a snafu then.
2544257 You have been befuddled by a common trickstinator.
2544263
Le mastur trole 2013
2544283
That should be added to the english vocabulary.
How in the buck do you make a fist with a hoof?
2544304
With the power of magic.
So...you got a feces fetish? Only way I can think of of "shit" being fun.
Also spell that two out.
2544319
Shouldn't you put all this into one single post?
STOP SUBMITTING THESE TERRIBLE STORIES TO OUR GROUP.
YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.
GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
If you did it properly I might have some small modicum of sympathy for you, but you can't even be bothered to join the group, much less actually read the policy. I go nuclear on people who join the group and post a thread with just the story link and no description, so do you honestly believe you've got a shot at getting our help by just dumping stuff on us? Knock it off already. We don't want to do business with you.
You guys again? Don't you guys have something better to do than swamp my inbox with literally over 50 messages?! It's getting annoying, I mean, I can take criticism but you guys are just fucking annoying, seriously, my inbox can't take anymore hate mail!
2544358
No, you can't take criticism. In yesterday's Rainbow Dash story you deleted perfectly legit reviews. Some of the comments here are, yet again, legit reviews. Learn the difference.
2544365wow, that response was fast! Do you literaryjust sit there and wait for me to respond? Sir, you need to get a life and stop filling my inbox, please.
2544358
You know whats fucking annoying? You!
You can't even take criticism. You delete perfectly good reviews.
2544376
No, I actually have the volume on on my computer and whenever there is a new notification it pings. Working as an administrative assistant for a computer programming company means fast typing.
Came back to this guy's profile. See a new story. Head straight to the comments section. images.wikia.com/glee/images/9/95/This-is-gonna-be-good.gif
2544438
Same. It's fun seeing him get butt hurt
2544438
Yup, I'm making home made popcorn as we...um ...type!
For dinner of course.
2544451
This is like a movie.
2544438 I'd be laughing at him if I wasn't busy spitting fire at him. I was having a nice evening, watching Sin City, until he made me delete his stories, change group settings, and wave off editors so they know not to waste their time. Terrible fics make me laugh when they don't try to drag me into them and steal my soul.
>Comment posted by Eldorado deleted at 6:44pm on the 7th of May, 2013 1-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/board/tg/image/1337/20/1337201888483.png
I had more fun reading As I Lay Dying at a concert put on by tone deaf musicians than I did reading this.
fuck, why was this even put into our group?
get your trash out of here.
2544998 I had the same thing happening with One-Shots. Some asshole is on spree. The author of this story, however, is innocent, I assure you.
(This story was just added when he's been offline for about 50 minutes)
i didnt even read the story before giving it my hate.
but now i opened this and read a paragraph. you deserve all the hate youve received. after the first paragraph ive already decided im not going to read the rest of this shit. how did this even pass to be on the site? as in gettting past the admins? its such garbage and isnt nearly written correctly.
So, um, I just need to look at that list of groups this...thing....was put into and in combination with these comments I think I know enough not to read this.
Meh...people got their own opinions.
No
2546301but yes they do my good sir
2544358
Taking criticism well includes taking into consideration what others say. I see that you got rid of the asterisks like some one recommended however the words still fall flat after Normal gave you an improved upon version of the same thing. Also one thing with the name jack there are ways you could technically make that a pony name as long as you add on another word. I would like to edit your next story if you would actually accept what I say.
A
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
>PROOFREADER<
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Is what you need.
I wasted my majestic-ass, limited fucking time for this piece of discarded underwear?
How do you manage to read over your work and feel satisfied with it?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU WRITE THIS FUCKERY AND EXPECT POSITIVE FEEDBACK?! WHAT POSSESSES YOU TO EVEN BEGIN TYPING SOMETHING LIKE THIS OUT?!
2546303
I wasn't replying to you, otherwise I would have hit the reply button
Also I'm a girl
I love how you wrote it to sound like proper grammar, when it still is incorrect
2547782hmm...i'm not sure I really care dear sir.
2549389 Improper use of "I". Should be "me".
2549389
One should care about proper language, be it English or Tagalong.
2549389
)
...Why would you write a story if you don't care about proper grammar?
(And why are you still calling me sir?
You have got to be kidding me...
Haven't you learned that nobody likes this story? Why can't you take a really good book, take in every detail of it, and then compare it to this. After that, write a new fic, and try your best to pour in as much description and originality as possible so you can write a fic that people will like?