On the Strategic Advantage of Speaking Really Fast in the Field of Law · 7:21pm Oct 6th, 2020
Twice a week, I’m immortal, and my brain contains the entire fucking Universe. Alternatively, I die. Zero middle ground.
Let’s talk about stress, exhaustion, and the need for a creative outlet. But, you know, in a funny way.
I’m going to explain the main thesis of the last twelve months of my life in two bullet points. They go like this:
- To become a judge of law in Spain, you must first pass an exam, designed by the Supreme Court. Only it’s not an exam. It’s a competition.
- Over the years, the students have developed a winning strategy, which in turn, completely changed the metagame.
And here’s where it gets dumb. And I mean, really dumb.
See, the baseline idea sounds good enough. Every year, like clockwork, the Supreme Court releases the syllabus, a list of every topic included in the exam[1] and then, some months later, they host the exam itself. Only, there are a lot of candidates, and you have to make sure they really, really understand what they’re talking about, and the Supreme Court is always busy.
So it’s not a written exam. It’s an oral exam. Way faster, way easier to see if the students understand the topic.
[1] Some folks worry about this, because it takes a normal person two-to-four years to learn everything in the syllabus. So, there’s always the risk that the syllabus will change in the middle of your studying, and thus everything you’ve learned will be useless.
Ninety nine percent of the time, you really don’t have to worry about this. Every year, the syllabus is a variation on “The entirety of the Spanish legal system”, so ultimately, no effort is wasted effort. Just grab the Criminal Code and go to town, mate; it’ll work out in the end.
Immediately we see the problem: if it’s an oral exam, pausing to think or doubting yourself is going to make you look bad, it's going to lower your score. The trick is to talk with absolute confidence, no pauses, no hesitation, no ‘uhms’ or ‘ahms’, don’t repeat any word. But then, you’re not explaining a topic anymore, are you? If you want the best score, and you NEED the best score, you’re now giving a speech. That's what the exam is truly about. Who gives the best speech.
Only, that doesn’t test knowledge. That tests memory. You gotta learn your lines like an actor, in the literal order you’re going to give them—that’ll give a much cleaner exposition, and you’ll get a better score as a result. You might have no fucking idea what you’re talking about, but if you repeat it like a parrot in just the right way, then that’s it, isn’t it? That’s all you need.
But then the Supreme Court went, holy shit. There are so many candidates, and so much to say, only so many hours in a day. You need to force a time limit; the oral exam can’t go on forever. So let's do this: every candidate gets exactly one hour, to the second, to make their case. Here’s five topics to talk about straight from the syllabus, here’s sixty minutes, go off.
So now it’s not just about memorization, it’s also about speaking very fucking fast.
Because, like—we’re memorizing the entirety of the Legal Code. That’s so much content that you can’t really give it justice in just one hour, you HAVE to omit some stuff. But the more things you talk about, the more depth of knowledge you're demonstrating, the better your score is. After all, technically, the task you’re given is to explain everything you know about a certain topic.
Which means that over time, the judge exams have evolved to where we are today: candidates don’t learn the law. We don’t study the meaning of what we’re learning, we just need to use pure rote memorization to be able to parrot everything as fast as humanly possible. Five topics per hour, yes? That means you need to cram, on average, 3,200 words in 12 minutes. That’s around 4,5 words per second—but mind: that’s if you never hesitate, or pause to, you know. Breathe. Drink water. Anything.
So it’s more like five words per second. That’s 300 bpm, so, you know. Here's what that sounds like; every beat is one word. Try to talk at this speed without pausing to think, because any hesitation or pause means a slightly lower score, and you’re fighting for your life.
It’s impossible. It’s just—you can’t improvise beyond slight variations on stock phrases; you can’t talk at speeds like these without knowing exactly what you’re going to say way in advance. I mentioned rote memorization earlier, and it couldn't be more accurate; this is pure reliance on muscle memory. You need to be robotic, you literally can’t think about what you’re saying, you’re just repeating sounds to the beat and making sure you vocalize properly so they can understand you.
For an hour.
It’s the funniest fucking thing, holy shit. Like, it’s so dumb. It’s a Monty Python skit. The only requirement to being a judge is being able to speak VERY FAST, even though judges literally do not need to fucking do that, ever, in their entire career. There's zero correlation between the test and the actual work of a judge.
It's so goddamn stupid.
So yeah! If you’re wondering why my content has been so bizarre these last few months—when’s the last time I did one of my signature rambly blogs? The last time I posted any story? Like, February or something? Jesus, it’s October, that’s eight months—this is why! I’m studying, so I can become a judge in the future.
It’s incredible, trust me. I’m the single most boring person in existence right now. I spend six days a week trapped in my own room memorizing the legal code and then repeating it without thinking, as fast as possible. Day in, day out. There’s 325 lessons in the syllabus; I’m 124 lessons in. This is it. This is my life.
Ultimately, I understand what I’m talking about, because otherwise memorizing it is impossible—I do, after all, have a degree in Law. I speak fluent legalese and have basic knowledge of everything I’m learning. It’s just, now I don’t just need to learn what the law says, I need to be able to recite the actual, literal words in the law.
(And then recites it, at 300bpm, and do not hesitate.)
I can’t do this by myself, obviously. Twice a week, I visit a magistrate [2] and then I recite the last few lessons I’ve learned. He helps me with the schedule, listens to me rattle for a while, and then points out formal mistakes and inaccuracies in my exposition. I call this whole process “wizard school” in private, and there’s zero irony in that. I’ve got classmates of sorts, and the first time I heard them recite their lessons I pretty much shat myself: 300bpm, no pause, no breathing, just twelve minutes of someone quoting the law as literally as humanly possible.
[2] All magistrates are judges, but not all judges are magistrate. A magistrate is basically a judge who can work with other judges in a Court of Law. Like, think a pokémon evolution line, please? Right. Magistrates are Wartortle.
And I fucking mean that last bit. You have to be as literal as humanly possible. Once you’re done reciting, the magistrate gives you a couple pointers, and it’s stuff like “Hey, you said “this, this and this, and this”, while article 13 says “this, and this and this, and this. Be careful with that.” You change one article, one preposition, one fucking letter, and dude catches it on the fly and throws it back to your face.
Wizard school, I tell you. Absolutely exhausting, insane amount of mental effort.
I kind of like it.
And it’s not that hard.
I’m going to say something that’s anathema in the Spanish Legal System—anyone can become a judge. Anyone can memorize shit like this. The first month is horrible, it feels like it’s genuinely impossible to remember all this stuff to such a literal level, and to keep the candle burning every day. But practice makes perfect [3], and like, it’s a matter of mental resistance and stamina; intelligence is not fucking needed. Hence me being good at it.
[3] It’s a well-known fact that London taxi drivers’ brains have an enlarged posterior hippocampus, because of all the raw memorization they need to do to pass their legendarily stupid exam. I’m happy to inform that Spanish judges’ brains are like that too.
I understand it’s somewhat egotistical for me to say this, but frankly, unlocking a larger brain by doing the stupidest fucking thing in existence might be the most in-character thing I’ve ever done.
But you know. It’s a lot of material to learn. Two to four years of studying, and it’s theoretically possible to hold a job while you’re doing this? But then it’ll take you more than eight years, because it’s quite taxing.
So, that’s the trick, right? That’s where they get you. Can you afford to do something that’s actively financially draining and have no job for two to four years? No income whatsoever? No? Then you can’t be a judge.
It’s not a matter of intelligence. It’s a matter of money, class. It always is. We can’t have poor people getting funky with the laws, man; you gotta make sure only the right people make it. It would be easy to change the way the exams work so they’re more accessible but harder to pass, but literally why the fly fuck would they do that.
I’m massively privileged, to be able to simply dedicate my life to this while more or less managing to pay the bills, because my sister and father have agreed to help me in the meantime—so you won’t see me complain about it.
Doesn’t mean that I’m not tired as fuck every day, though, once I’m done studying. My schedule is a bit difficult to understand, but tl;dr, I have one day off—Saturday—and then two afternoons during which I don’t study—Tuesday and Friday. Every other time of the week, I’m cramming like crazy.
It’s difficult to produce content like this. I’m simply too tired; even if I’m good at it, and I’m good at it, five hours of non-stop memorization leave you borderline comatose. It’s exhilarating; you literally feel yourself understand everything and learn things faster than you’ve ever thought possible.
And shit, when you nail it? When you go to the magistrate’s house after all this effort, and he goes “Okay, Aragón, tell me everything there is to know about marriage”, and you say everything there is to say, keeping the beat, no hesitation? It’s such a high. It’s pure adrenaline. In that moment, I’m immortal—my eyes and tongue have gone to Hell and come back carrying treasure, my head contains every secret known to man. I can punch God in the face and come back victorious.
When you don’t, though. When have a bad day and you fuck up the lesson. Jesus. You feel the ground give in under your feet. Sometimes it’s actively hard to come back home; you’re dedicating so much time to this, you’re killing yourself over this, and you have nothing to show for it. Waste of time, waste of resources, waste of money, waste of effort.
Twice a week I go to the magistrate’s house to recite my lessons, and as I said at the start, there’s only two options: I become endless and drink from the primordial well, or I become ash and dust and die with my regrets intact. Zero middle ground.
So like, I mean, not a bad way to pass the time. It feels masochistic when I describe it like this, but I do, genuinely, like Law. I studied it for a reason! I find it fun to understand the underlying logic behind every legal code, the intricacies of every regulation. It’s stimulating, and I’m good at it, and there’s so much to learn and so much room for improvement. It’s great!
Oh yeah, it’s also hilariously harmful.
Like, one of these days, I’ll have a heart attack, and I genuinely won’t notice. Fun stuff.
Here’s the thing, though; I do considerably worse in my studies, and in life in general, if I’m not making something. If I’m not creating, if I’m not developing a pet project on the side.
A while ago a friend suggested I might be a workaholic. I laughed at what I saw as a funny joke; I consider myself quite lazy [4] and the idea of being addicted to work is bizarre. But, y’know, when I mentioned it to my father, he didn’t laugh. He kind of went, “Yeah, it’s been a thing for a while.”
[4] I know you might be getting a different impression based on everything I’ve said up till now, but also consider that most people study eight to nine hours a day to get this shit done, and I’ve streamlined my process so I get it done in three to five. And I’m really favoring the “three” side of that expression, to be honest.
So like, I’m efficient, but I’m efficient out of laziness. I want to spend as little time working as possible.
And I went, eh, ah? Sorry?
And he went “You're always working on something on the side, you can't go without it. Else you don't sleep or have nightmares." And I went, wait, you knew that? So I've been like this for a while, then? And he went "Yeah, it's why we signed you up for the conservatory as a kid. To give you something to do with your free time.” And I was like, oh, that’s a—that’s something I didn’t know, actually. “No?” No.
Then I went, so you think I’m a workaholic? And my father was like, “Literally the only times you’re not studying or drawing that comic are when you’re sleeping or eating”, and I kind of stopped talking. And went back to drawing my comic.
I think addiction to work might not be quite it, though; a lot of people have expressed this utter fear of not being productive, this feeling of dread whenever they’re not “using their free time right”. I’ve gotten to the point where I just give myself homework; I tell myself I’ll beat a videogame or finish a book in X days, and so whenever I’m doing that, I’m working towards my goal and it doesn’t trigger my anxiety.
So who the fuck knows, really. Thing is: I need to keep myself busy. I get anxiety attacks otherwise, I stop sleeping, and overall it’s not fun (and it hurts my studies).
So why haven’t I posted any goddamn fics or blogs in such a long time, then?
Weeeell. Here’s where it gets tricky, and I get very lucky. See, it’s just—I’m mentally exhausted when I’m done studying. I’ve said that before, but it bears repeating, because holy shit it’s so draining, it’s like someone’s sucking my brain juices with a sponge. And writing is such a mental task.
It’s tiring. If I get into it, I get into it—I can hyperfocus like it's no business; catch me getting diagnosed with ADHD one of these days and see nobody getting surprised—but reaching the point where I can sit in front of the computer and start writing is monumental. I still do it, but I’m slow, because I have to rewrite and edit extensively on account of my brain being too burned out to get things right on first try, and—
It’s a process. It’s going on, I’ve got like 13k words clocked out for what I assume is going to be a 30k word project, but it moves at a glacial place.
And then there’s the comics.
Not gonna lie, it’s such a stroke of wild luck that the comics are well-received and nobody complains about me producing them en-masse, taking a more personal, paused pace with the fanfiction in comparison. It makes this so much easier, and it frees me of any kind of additional source of stress.
Because drawing comics? Not tiring at all. There’s still a lot of writing going on into those; the art is just a medium, I’m ultimately still telling stories and jokes. But while the script takes time and energy, the lion's share definitely goes to the drawing—I might spend 5 minutes tweaking Human Twilight’s dialogue so it's just right, but then I'll spend 20 minutes drawing her hair only, and 50 more when it comes to the hands.
I don’t know if drawing pictures uses a different part of the brain or what, but I've got the energy to do it when I can't write. Plus, I can zone out when I’m drawing, I can just play music and spend five hours sketching seven Rarities, and I will barely notice it. Hell, it'll help me relax, it’ll help me sleep; it feels like I'm productive, but it’s still very chill. Writing doesn’t let me do that. I love writing more than I love myself, you know this, but it doesn’t bring the relaxation I need right now.
There’s a second, cuter element to this artistic obsession, too: with writing, I find it very hard to judge my own improvement, if I’m improving at all. With art, though? Motherfucker, even if my drawings are barely passable still, I can see how far I’ve come with half a look. Sunset Shimmer appears in two comics: number five, and number eight. Only four months apart from each other.
And in just four months?
Talk about a glowup! I started with very, very rudimentary art; any improvement is easy and yet feels massive, because I’ve got that much room to grow. I suppose, once I reach the point where my art is actively nice to look at outside the context of a comic [5] the situation will change, but so far? Fuck, I have such a fun time drawing. It’s such a stress reliever.
[5] The best thing about comics is that if the readability and the flow are good enough, the art feels much better than it actually is. I’m aware some of you will be reading this and thinking “Hey, your art is not that bad! You’re underselling yourself!” And I love you for thinking that, you’re lovely, but I also know that you remember my pictures better than they actually are.
The comics are good. The pictures are okay at best. I’m just very good at fooling you into thinking I’ve got talent. They teach you that in Law School and it’s only a crime if you get caught.
The creative process is interesting, too. I need to make a blog about drawing comics one of these days. I really want to explain the way I make them—mostly because I’m convinced I’m doing everything wrong, and it’ll be really funny to see everybody’s reaction at the utter incompetence. Did you know I didn’t fucking use layers at the start?
Yeah! Just, draw it all in one layer, sketch and shit, and then erase the extra lines. For real. It’s the artistic equivalent of copypasting the letter ‘e’, and hitting ‘ctrl+v’ every time it shows up, instead of, you know, hitting the ‘e’ key. It’s that level of stupidity. That’s the level we’re operating at.
But, y’know, that blog will have to wait. I want to be a bit better at the craft before I go around flaunting my ignorance. I want to keep pushing myself artistically a little first, get more comfortable with my own skills. Draw a couple more comics, get this wheel turning, produce a new comic a month on average, keep the rhythm for a bit. Let’s buy the cow before we start drinking the milk, etc, etc.
So, yeah. I’m not going anywhere, I’m still here and I’m finding creative outlets—I’ll keep producing content to keep you entertained and keep myself sane. But I’m only human, and I’ve got my own limitations, so if you want Aragón writing, you’ll have to wait more than usual. The entire Spanish legislation won’t memorize itself, after all.
If you like my comics, consider joining my Patreon. It makes it easier to justify spending so much time in them, and it helps massively with the frankly ridiculous amount of financial pressure I’m going through right now. But if you can’t, I hope you can at least read the comics, and enjoy them, and have fun during the five minutes you spend in their little world. I hope they help you navigate the hell that is life right now.
Heaven knows they certainly help me.
I'm somewhat infamous among my friends for speaking really fast, which means that, on the flipside, I'm actually very good at the whole "talk to the beat" thing. Fuckin' natural over here, who would've thought that could've counted as a talent.
Like, I actually have to willingly slow down in most of my recitations? Five words a second feels slow when you're full of adrenaline like that. I once hit an average of around 7,5 words per second, and my instructor chastised me because I was, and I quote, "literally undecipherable." It's great.
As an American, my immediate reaction is: how is this not a TV show.
I bet a Dominican could pass that test easily. If you’ve ever heard a Dominican talk, you’ll know it’s like if a machine gun could speak Spanish.
All jokes aside, I’ve heard you talk on the Barcast before, you’ll do just fine.
You joke, but... legally speaking, you're only a criminal if the judge says you are. If the justice system never gets involved in the first place, you're golden.
I don't know the exact point where I became utterly convinced that Spain will be a much better place when you are a judge, but I think it was somewhere in the section about the comics. Rock on, dude!
The judge exam feels like something Douglas Adams would slip into a Hitchhiker's Guide story. That kind of unflinching commitment to something that looks absurd from the outside feels very Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
In my experience, that's the best kind of efficiency. People who improve the system are usually the ones who aren't okay with fourteen hours of backbreaking labor a day.
... Wait, you haven't been diagnosed with ADHD yet? I had you pegged from one in-person conversation.
Real fans listen to Aragón at 1.5x speed.
I completely understand the drain your current routine is imposing on you. Here's hoping you come out the other side with what you want. And alive. That part's important too.
Judge Aragon...
Excuse me, this is going to take some time to comprehend. And maybe some beer.
God I would burn out so fucking fast if I tried to do as much as you do. I think I’d last about half a day.
Guess that’s a large part of why you’re so successful though.
Aragon was kind enough to send me a recording of him practicing a lesson once because I questioned whether 5 words per second was actually that fast. It's actually quite fascinating how you can't even, like, parse the individual sounds? Like I don't speak Spanish so obviously I wouldn't understand it, but there wasn't even a sense of there being distinct syllables in the speech. It was akin to a single tone that seemed to randomly fluctuate and if you tried to focus on it you ended up getting a headache. One of the weirder things I've encountered in my life, and I've met Aragon in person.
Aragon, has anyone ever informed you that you are a glorious madman?
Five words in a second? From Russian point of view - are not all southern people, like Italians or Spanish, already speak like that, because You born like that? Like, It is natural.
So, this essay really delivered as promised - it was funny but thoughtful. Thanks!
I tend to think something like this 'evolution of conversation as competition' happens in everyday life - just not to such extreme? I found myself quite easily lost even in fields I know something about in normal (not written) conversation with strangers on the streets - while I think about something they just keep talking! And of course win this way ... both :) and :( (because I can't make my points understanable).
On whole law thing ..I hope you will have some of moment when your personality will save more than just day, but someone.
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion
Hey, man, keep drawing comics, finding time to relax in your stupid busy schedule is very important and I, for one, enjoy them. :D
So the Supreme Court are all Blastoise, right? Or is there another level and they're more Mega Evolved or Dynamaxed or whatever the fuck Pokemon do these days. <.<
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I need this.
ARAGON GIVE ME THIS
Spanish speakers already sound pretty fast to me. It's hard to imagine them going even faster.
It's a good trait, and hopefully one you get to exploit if you're in a career that lets you get away with it. Far too many employers tend to focus more on how busy you look as opposed to how much work you've done.
The more we learn about you, Aragon, the better sense you make.
Go be a judge, yes. That sounds awesome.
And yes, that's privilege, but it's like any revolution: only happens when the bougies are on board because they can afford to do things.
Yes, please. The world needs more Judge Aragon. There is a sort of existential delightfulness to that… and we all could use some existential delightfulness
For fun I tried reading this blog aloud as best I could according to the metronome. I think I stumbled on every single three-plus syllable word and probably half the rest of it too. That took nearly fifteen minutes and it was draining. I can't imagine doing it for three to five hours, except it's actually complicated legal jargon and also reciting it from my mind instead of simply reading aloud and its not once but six times a week for months on end.
I envy your resilience.
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Seconding PresentPerfect's comment - I'd like to hear this.
That is... really impressive. I salute your monomaniacal drive to become a judge by way of legal rap battle royale.
Also, the oboe is probably the coolest band instrument that isn't a saxophone.
Thanks for the fascinating peek into the Madness, and best of luck in the judging.
Meanwhile, to become a Magistrate in England, you just need a weekend seminar.
This means that it's literally harder to become a cab driver in England than to become a judge.
Good luck with creativity and very-fast-speaking-from-memory both!
Words can't do you justice. Unless they're yours.
Say what you want though, your creativity and work ethic are insane. Truly an inspiration to me.
"Judge not, lest ye be judged."
Aragon:
Heh. Heh. Heh.
Wait, after all that cramming, it would be more like, "Heheheh."
I let out a very small audible gasp on reading you just, you just fuckin, drew everything on one layer and erased your sketch lines. Man. On maybe one sketch that might not be too bad but your comics are not short. I'd ask if you're okay but I read the rest of the blog already.
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We noticed this when I saw a friend lower a layer's opacity to do the lineart properly on a second layer, and I went "oh is that how you do it?". Never seen that before. This was after I had already sent them a fifty-panel long comic with extremely overcomplicated designs (for me at least) so we could collab on it. Which I had drawn all in one layer, indeed, deleting the extra sketch lines every time.
They haven't stopped yelling at me over it ever since.
Right after that comic, my other friends told me my art was starting to noticeably improve, like ther was "more smoothness to the lines" or something, and I was like YEAH MAN I WONDER WHY HUH.
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Wait you did up to that one on one layer? A... Are we talking everything everything on one layer or did you have layers for characters and background? I know that the idea of doing something way harder than it needs to be done for an inordinate amount of time aligns perfectly with everything about you I've read in your blogs and apparently also fits your career path perfectly, but still, jesus.
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Fucking funny as it would be to say it's ALL one layer, every character and background piece had its own layer, so it wasn't that insane. Still took literal weeks to make though, but hey, it was very zen overall, so.
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Because smoothness means confidence. (In a lot of things.)
Sheesh, that judge system sounds crazy. And yeah, as someone mentioned, sounds exactly like something Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett would come up with.
Stock·holm syn·drome
noun
I did not know you were trained in music! I learned something new!