How My Little Dashie Should Have Ended · 4:04pm May 23rd, 2017
Anon was preparing to leave the house with his daughter—Rainbow Dash—in order to go see a flight show together, when he heard a knock at the front door.
Worried about the unexpected visitor, he asked Dash to go to her room while he took care of it. Once he heard the door shut, he calmly asked who was knocking. An elegant, yet strong female voice asked if she may come in.
Anon wasn’t sure if he was still awake or if he was dreaming when he opened the door. Standing there, was the radiant and majestic Princess Celestia.
They stood there, staring into each other’s eyes for another second.
Anon knew what this was about. He always knew this moment would have come, eventually. So he did the only thing he knew he could do.
He did his best Liam Neeson voice. “You're not going to take my daughter away from me.”
Then he pulled out a gun and shot all his bullets in Celestia’s head.
Or,
Anon was walking down the empty road of his town, mourning about his even more empty life. He decided to use a different route to return home that time, for a change of pace, a little something different from the normal path he was used to. That part of town was hit the worst; only a few houses still stood, and none of them occupied. It truly was a sad sight to see. Then again, it was really the only sight he could ever see.
Or so he thought.
He saw something unusual; a stray cardboard box in the middle of the sidewalk.
He walked past the box, barely giving it a glance. Nothing about it caught his attention right away and he forgot about it the same moment he got home.
I mean, come on. It was just an ordinary cardboard box in the middle of the sidewalk. Why would anybody look inside of it?
Well, except for a hobo.
Or Scootaloo. Which is the same, actually.
Or,
Anon returned from work with some groceries, set them into the kitchen, and walked into the living room. Once there, he found his Dashie sitting on the couch, watching an episode of MLP.
His heart sunk... and he dropped the keys he was still holding. They clanged on the wood floor; if she didn't know he was home before, she knew then.
“Since when?” Dashie asked, no emotion in her voice.
“Dash…”
“Since when you knew about this?”
“I…”
Dashie turned to look at him. She had been crying, and her mane was in even worse shape than normal.
“SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING A SHOW FOR LITTLE GIRLS?”
On the verge of tears, Anon opened his mouth to defend himself… only to stay silent, when his brain processed her words.
“…What?” he asked.
Staring angrily at him, Dash slowly shook her head from side to side. “You disgust me.”
“Is that seriously your biggest concern?”
“You’re a grown up man watching cartoons for girls,” said Dashie—like the problem was obvious—before turning back towards the TV with a scowl. “And I guess now I finally know why you can’t get yourself a female.”
Anon failed to understand what she meant. Or refused to.
“What?” he asked again.
“Just look at this.” Dashie pointed a hoof towards the TV screen. “Broadway musicals, rainbows, only characters who are nice, stylish, and friendly… more rainbows, unicorns, even more rainbows…”
“That’s rich, coming from you.”
Despite Anon had mumbled it to himself, Dashie spun her head towards him at the speed of rainboom. He had been just a little too loud.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.
Anon sighed in resignation and decided he might as well get over with it. “Well… rainbow mane, tomboy, brash, athletic…”
“I was born this way!”
“And you’re on the right track, baby.”
Anon couldn’t hold a smirk as Dashie stood on her four hooves, snorting smoke. “I’M STRAIGHT!”
“Suuure…”
“I am, you jackass! AND I CAN PROVE IT!”
>>FORWARD>>
Anon and Rainbow Dash laid down under the sheets of the bed, both looking up at the ceiling in silence. And naked. There was a fog of shame so thick inside the room that Anon asked himself if he could actually cut a slice out of it with a knife.
With a courage he could not believe she possessed, Dashie broke the silence first.
“Well, technically that wasn’t incest,” she offered.
“Great. So it was just an interspecies bestiality,” said Anon, with a blank voice.
Dashie hemmed, climbed off the bed and headed away.
“I think I’m gonna live in the woods for a couple of days, until we live this down. And… let’s just never speak of this again.”
“Yeah, good idea.”
Or,
Dashie flew inside, finding Anon while he was simply having a beer and relaxing on his couch. She was that age during which one pony would start making questions to find her place in the world, and she just had one more for her dad.
“Dad, what’s the meaning of life?”
Anon looked towards her and smiled. “Well, we have to do what we have to do. Even since you came into my world my only purpose in life was to take care of you, Dashie.”
“Yeah, ok. But what do you do while you’re not taking care of me?”
“Let’s see…” Anon started doing some sort of count with his fingers. “I wake up, go to work, work the entire day, come home, go to sleep. I wake up, go to work, work the entire day, come home, go to sleep. I wa–”
Suddenly, he stopped.
Dashie apprehensively looked her father as he remained sitting with his left eye twitching madly and a strained smile all over his face. After a few seconds, he stood up and resumed just as suddenly as he stopped.
“I wake up, go to work, work the entire day, come home, go to sleep.”
He walked into the kitchen and put a lighter and some bananas into his pockets. “I wake up, go to work, work the entire day, come home, go to sleep.”
He opened the oven, smashed it, and ripped the gas cylinder out of it. “I wake up, go to work, work the entire day, come home, go to sleep.”
Dash followed his father as he walked out of the house—smashing the front door open—but she stopped in the doorway as he climbed on his car. “I wake up, go to work, work the entire day, come home, go to sleep.”
The engine roared proudly and the wheels shrieked against the asphalt when the car shot towards town at an insane speed. Dashie remained in the doorway, looking towards the direction where the car has disappeared. She remained impassive even when she heard a faint explosion and saw a cloud of smoke rising from the distance.
Then, she shrugged. “Meh. Might work for him, but I feel like I should do something cooler.” Pondering about that, she went inside.
BUT THIS IS HOW IT REALLY SHOULD HAVE ENDED,
“I'm so sorry Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight. “I...I honestly wish there was another way to do this. I wish I didn't have to do this. But…”
“Can't…” started Dashie as she looked Anon, “can’t he come with me?”
Twilight shook her head, unable to keep eye contact with her friend as she cried before her.
“Rainbow Dash,” started Princess Celestia, “he cannot–”
“That’s a great idea!”
Everypony turned their head to stare with surprise at the single human in the room, who had just turned his sad grimace into a full radiant smile.
“It is?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Anon nodded eagerly. “Yeah! I mean, if you all managed to get here by yourself it should be doable, right?”
All the ponies looked at each other with dismay, searching to sort one of them to answer him. Once they were done with the glances, Celestia spoke.
“Mister Anonymous, I think you’re not being rational right now.”
Anon looked her with a deadpan. “I have a name, you know?”
Celestia blushed and looked away from him. “Sorry. But still, you should reconsider all the implication of moving in another–”
“Look,” he cut short, “I get where this is going. I do. But trust me, I am literally a disillusioned grown up man with no social life who closed himself inside his job-house routine and spent his last fifteen years into raising an alien daughter which could have been just a projection of his innocence.” Anon paused and scratched his chin. “Actually, that could be quite a plot twist. What if you all disappeared leaving no evidence behind, and…?
“Anyway… so, if she leaves my sanity could go down into shreds. Besides, she has always been my only source of happiness into my dull gray world of sadness. Because trust me, this is one shitty world full of sadness.”
Princess Celestia sighed. “It’s just that our world was not made to house you. I can’t see in any way how you could possibly fit–”
Suddenly, Twilight beamed with an idea. “I know! I could change him into a pony.”
Twilight’s proud smile died the same moment Celestia’s sight fell on her. Anon remembered the time her mother had looked him like that, when he had tried helping her finishing her paintings. Unfortunately, he had done a poor job.
…He was five at that time.
Princess Celestia took a deep breath and calmed down.
“Listen, Anon–”
*coff* “Not my name.” *coff*
“–I’ll be blunt. You don’t belong to Equestria, and I don’t want to risk ruining it because you are not happy with your own world. Just accept reality and go on, like normal people!”
“Aw, come on… I even raised Dashie, and I think I did it quite right.” Anon joined his hands and did his cutest face. “Couldn’t you consider it like a successful test? Please?”
“No.”
Dashie leaned against him and did her best puppy eyes.
“Please…”
“Nnnnn…”
“Please…”
“rgh…”
“Pleeease…”
“Aaargh!”
AFTERMATH TO DONUT JOE’S WITH THE MANE 6, CELESTIA, AND ANON
Rainbow Dash was sitting next to a green coated pegasus with a blue mane while everypony else was just staring at them. Anon—that became his pony name by royal decree—simply took a sip from his mug and enjoyed the sweetness.
Finally, Celestia talked. “So… how are you doing, Anon?”
“Pretty well. I had some difficulties but by going to Equestria I fulfilled wish every brony has. I mean, this place is kinda awesome.”
Celestia nodded. “And you, Dash?”
“It has been… weird. I mean, now that I remember everything I feel like I went through two childhoods.”
“I’ve heard that you and Bow Hothoof are having a dispute.”
Anon scratched his neck for the embarrassment. “I wouldn’t call it a dispute…”
As if called on cue, a large rainbow-maned pegasus with a purple coat slammed against the shop’s window. “I am Dashie’s real dad!” he shouted.
Anon returned the glare from his side of the glass. “I’ve been raising her for the LAST FIFTEEN YEARS, dude!”
“It was barely fifteen days! She is the pride of my life, find your own!” Before they could end up fighting again, Windy Whistles bit his husband’s tail and dragged him away.
Anon sighed and readjusted his rump on his seat, doing his best to ignore all the attentions he was getting from everypony else.
“He’ll get over with it,” muttered Dashie.
“Ya sure?” asked Applejack.
“He was actually very grateful when we explained all the story to him,” said Anon. “He’s just having a bad case of jealousy, that’s all.”
There was another embarrassing lull, while nopony knew exactly what to say regarding the odd turn of events that had brought Dash to have two fathers and one human to Equestria.
“Sooo… anypony has a finishing line?” asked Celestia to nopony special.
Pinkie Pie scratched her chin. Then, she put on her donut-glasses and said, “I am Pinkie Pie.”
Check first comment for a Bonus scene.
Bonus Scene: Then he pulled out a gun and shot all his bullets in Celestia’s head.
After that, Anon reloaded his gun and looked at her corpse.
He pulled out a pair of shades, wore them, and said, "Looks like you have been taken... off guard."
Somewhere, at that moment, the who started playing.
And for this terrible joke, somebody will look for me, he will find me, and he will kill me.
Number 3 was the best.
Amazing.
oi68.tinypic.com/8xk22o.jpg
This blogpost makes me want to read bestfic again.
Omfg, I'm dying now!
You deserve a follow for this awesomeness!
Have a hot donut! *Fires out of bazooka*
4544785 I'm glad you enjoyed it.
(do you have any criticism?)
4544799 Thank you.
4544802 I consider that an achievement.
4546569 Yummy!
...
Do you take request for this?
4548474 Usually, I do stories I feel will turn out to be funny like this, but I'm open to suggestions.
If you were to propose a story, I would like to take that into consideration.
(Also because I'm not sure what to do after Bittersweet, next week.)
I have no words. So here's an emoji
4548682 I would like it if you did one for my fic, Beetlejuice vs. Discord.
4544034
LOL
"I am Groot."
4548682
I would suggest these (since you CAN tackle big popular loved stories)
The Keepers of Discord
Twilight's Cat-astrophe
Derplicity
Insomnia
The One Who Got Away
Sun Princess
The Stars Ascendent
Sandbox
Spike's Hoard
Paper Promises
The Numbers Don't Lie
The Day The Reading Died
Anyone You Want Me To Be
A Joke Too Far
Chaotic N
EQ 1 Prank Call
Constants
Stardust
Forever Young
Blooming Diamonds
Drifting Down The Lazy River
The Floor Is Lava
The Stolen BookMaud's River
What's In The Box?
I hope that this helps
4554609 Thank you so much! This will be really helpful in the future.
P.S. Actually, it's a reference to Batman. Especially on the HISHE YouTube channel, there's this running 'I am Batman' gag.
Still, have a mustache for quoting best tree.
4554610
Oh! Oops, well, close enough?
Also, Batman is good too.
But if you really want to nail it in...
Do a Pinkie Pie story,
And then end/start with "Because I'm Pinkie Pie!"
[Equestria's First Prank Call and What's In The Box? (Link in previous comment) are good ones]
Discord also works out too.