Site Post » Reviews... Round 30 · 7:02pm Oct 31st, 2013
Is butiful day in Ponivil. Sun is the shyn, and all bird tweet. Raybow wing no brake, is smile story.
Tiwli the alleycon princes walking step down. Twili said, her freinds deded becaus alleycon princes is imoral. Silly I trik! is smile sroty, k. So I sed, Tiwilig walking step downa nd sudely us= the Luna princes!
Titlte say Hi pricnes good mornig i mean not good morning beczuse nEw Lurar Repubic! and the the Luna say, “Twilight! Twilight, thank the stars. Please, lend me your ear. We are in terrible peril!” and twight lol n say wut you cra cra.
“Blast, it’s gotten to you too,” Luann worry on her lipp and then also she, “It seems that through some foul magic or twist of fate, you and I have become entrapped in purposefully terrible fanficton!” (I’m sry is my 1nd stroy plsz be gentl :()
“Furthermore, it is a shoddy attempt to parody poor pensmanship, and such a trope was tired before mine banishment.”
‘’’”’oka but secretbutt fun how i hlep i rite ur sistr deer prnicase Cialis? “Nay, Twilight Sparkle, I am afraid that
my sister’s magic will be no avail.” she say n luk @ lin braake omfg 2meta. “Already, this place’s foul magic threatens to overtake mine self as well. No, our only hope is this.”
An theyt both wign boner lol and they kiss smoosh and salvia omy so hawt ponepone. plz liek fav subsrcib
“Heathen! We did no such thing!” Her faec red lik tomahto hehehe. Is the prefect crime no 1 suspec cuz bcuz Luma an TwiSpackl are not mie luvahs she jussa girl mair a’say ima 1.
but the n her horn and she 3 storie. “Please, Twilight Sparkle, you must read fanfiction. Good fanfiction. The stories I have chosen just might be enough to save us, but simply selecting them is not enough. You must read them! Read, for the fate of all of Equestria rests in the balance!”
Adn then Toilet Speark and then she what do! plzx liek fav subtstcrib and (A/N if i get 20 liek i continu sotry and if i get 50 like i make this in2 clopfic alos plz i need covur art)
ROUND 30
STORY 1
The Liar, by ChoppersTopHat
I’ve often felt as though the number of people in this fandom getting really experimental with the delivery of their stories—or, at least, doing it well—has been drastically lower than what I’d like it to be. That’s why it does my heart good to see ChoppersTopHat’s attempt here; the unique mechanic in The Liar’s structure isn’t something I’ve seen done before, and it works wonderfully to boot. The story is given to the reader in paragraph-sized chunks, but every chunk takes place chronologically after the chunk to follow. The effect it has is Doctor Who (think Library River Song) or Memento or Slaughterhouse-Five–esque, to a degree: you’re introduced to characters and concepts just as their relevance in Trixie’s life is waning or ending, and the last time you read about them is the first time that Trixie encounters them. Half the fun as I read was seeing these reverse arcs come together and lose their vagueness.
As far as the story itself went (set apart from its delivery), that was enjoyable in its own right. ChoppersTopHat had an intriguing take on Trixie and her life, and there’s little more that can be said that you shouldn’t just go and find out for yourself. The cast was well-characterized in most every case, and no aspect of the plot felt purposeless. I could say that the narrative style leaned towards Tell over Show, but the backwards structure made the notion of Show vs. Tell almost meaningless, as we’re shown the repercussions of events before we’re told what the events are.
If I had a complaint about The Liar, it would be that in those times when the perspective shifts from Trixie’s to any other character’s, the story’s structure makes it even more confusing than it would have been in a more mainstream piece. Apart from that, the flow was just fine, the prose wasn’t overbearing, and the editing was certainly passable—mechanical flubs were minor, and can’t hold a candle to what The Liar has to offer in terms of an experience.
In any event, even if you don’t like the concept of a sad Trixie, or if you don’t like Trixie at all (Don’t tell that to Alex), you should really read this story. ChoppersTopHat executed this unique brand of storytelling wonderfully, and you should definitely read it, if only to experience it.
Beyond that, the story’s actual content was quite solid. Each paragraph presents a short, significant snippet of Trixie’s life that has led her to this point. We learn how Trixie grew up from a young foal struggling to survive to a traveling showmare. And the how is the key part. We’re shown many important steps along the way, the most important being the…mare she met after leaving Hoofington. Not only was this mare instrumental in developing Trixie into the mare we saw in Boast Busters, but a couple hints followed by a casual name drop indicate she was quite instrumental to the history of Equestria itself. As a sucker for world-building, this bit made the story quite sinister, especially given the method of storytelling.
Up first is a sad Trixie story written by ChoppersTopHat. The Liar starts off simply enough, but I didn’t pay too much attention to the description before I started reading it. This turned out to be a mistake, as I quickly became confused a few paragraphs in. I was lost, so very lost. And then I realized what was going on, what ChoppersTopHat had pulled off. I no longer cared what the story was about. I no longer cared about the characters. I just wanted to experience this unique (for me, at least) method of storytelling.
Oh lawd, it’s been a while since I’ve done these. You miss me?
If I had a nickel for every time I've done a Seattle's Angels review that involved saying “this is <popular theme> done right”, I'd probably have... I dunno... 20 cents? That would be pretty useless. I probably should've asked for more than a nickel per. The Liar would apply, technically, by virtue of being a “sad Trixie backstory done right”, but that's less important than what it does from there. It tells a story with purpose.
The Liar gives us a backstory on Trixie. Motivation. Characterization. Sure, we do find things like that Trixie was an orphan, but again, this isn’t just Sad Pone Bingo. This backstory serves to build toward a greater whole; the Trixie we saw in Boast Busters was the tip of the iceberg… and deliberately so. While certain aspects of this backstory may go a bit farfetched and clearly into “only in fanfiction” territory, it’s still a solid tale that takes some positive creative licenses with Trixie’s character. (Hint: see title.) It’s the kind of stance that can really make you reevaluate a minor character, and cast some of their actions in a new light. I’m reminded of one of my previous reviews, suddenly.
Now, I can’t really avoid mentioning this fic’s unique format…
You thought I was gonna use Memento, didn’t you? Admit it.
Reverse chronology is a tricky but rewarding format, and I definitely give ChoppersTopHat credit for attempting something of that nature. It does indeed work to some effect here… but by the end of the story, I was left wondering if the story wouldn’t have been just as served by going in regular chronological order. While I can recall one or two minor twists that were served by this device, some of the bigger “reveals” of the story were in fact revealed two or more times, and by the end (beginning?) of the story, it lacked that sort of rug-pull moment that you might expect from this format. That said, it still did serve to slowly unravel the mystery of Trixie’s backstory, so by no means was it ineffectual or anything of the sort.
All said, this was a nice character piece in normal terms, and the reverse chronology gives a neat twist that you’re unlikely to see much of on this site. Would definitely recommend checking this one out.
STORY 2
Selling Out, by Kaorin
There are many, many stories out there that go for the same general format as can be found in Selling Out: a character we know and love reflects on his or her past, including the friends that have passed away and times spent with them. Far less common, though, are the times when this plot structure actually does something for me, but Kaorin has managed to make it work here. One of the most oft-seen issues in the structure is a lack of anything interesting happening in the present, with characters just kind of moping around or visiting a gravesite or performing some great, symbolic, and astoundingly obvious action. That isn’t the case here; rather than being isolated and brooding, we see Luna interacting with a world that’s mostly moved on without her, and what she’s doing is sad, hilarious, and interesting all rolled into one. The focus really is on and around the present time here—that’s the key difference.
Selling Out is told in a first-person, highly introspective sort of way. This helps it avoid another few issues common to stories with its general structure—those of the incredibly telly, emotionally distant third-person sadfests out there. Here, we have a bottom-level “human” perspective, and while that could also have gone awry if the starring character had been excessively mopey, we instead have a Luna who has suffered losses and endured a great many changes in her life, but is strong enough to weather it. The character and the narration are very strong, and both were a pleasure to experience. Kaorin went into a difficult game with a very good hand.
Something that might be worth mentioning is the weakness of the descriptions. As Luna goes about her business, we’re given very little in the way of information that would help us picture the place she’s at or the ponies she’s with. On the other hand, though, this creates a certain effect that I can’t say I didn’t like: with all of Luna’s thoughts and memories being given to us alongside very little present-time description, I was given a real sense that Luna’s mind was elsewhere and that the situation she finds herself in is just a drop in an ocean of memories she won’t care to recall down the line. As for actual, hard flaws with Selling Out, all I could dredge up that’s worth mentioning were some punctuation problems. There’s very little that’s fighting against the fact of this being an enjoyable story.
Suppose for a moment you were once the ruler of a grand nation. Unfortunately for you, your subjects felt a change was in order. Luckily for you, though, it was a peaceful change. So now you remain, a one-time monarch who now serves as an “honored figurehead.” How, exactly, would you feel about this situation?
Enter Luna and an incredibly well-voiced first person narrative. Selling Out takes full advantage of everything the first person point of view has to offer. It uses the narrative to fully show how exactly Luna feels about her current situation. Moreover, the narration feels like Luna, sounds like Luna, is Luna. By that, I mean that not only does the narration show the readers what’s going on, but it shows how Luna feels about and reacts to what’s happening.
To further explain what I mean by this and just how powerful of a tool it can be, imagine yourself entirely focused on playing through an RPG. Imagine your thoughts during the gameplay. Now imagine them much more cohesive. Touch them up a bit, throw in dialogue and character interactions from the game, and suddenly you have yourself a first person story. Selling Out took that concept and ran away with it, executing it wonderfully, to the point where I forgot I really didn’t like the premise. At all. All in all, this story has about everything I look for in a first person story, even if I hated the premise.
*gives himself another nickel* Stories in which alicorns outlive their friends, a traditionally sad genre, is— *someone runs in and hands him a note* Wait. This takes place in the far future, stars a canon alicorn, and the point of the story isn’t bemoaning the fates of the Mane Six? It’s actually somewhat subverted? Really now… *hands his nickel back in*
So, let’s face it. For most ‘Muricans reading this, stopping and thinking about how Equestria is a monarchy duarchy is a tad uncomfortable. Because liberty! And guns! And mah deep-fried freedoms (with cheese)! So, I mean… converting Equestria into a democracy would obviously be better, right?
I’m really envious of some of the fanartists in this community.
Well, as it turns out, Equestian society is kind of delicately balanced. It also has a couple of immortal alicorn demigoddesses. “Just” swapping around to a different government style leads to some pretty radical evolutions in Kaorin’s vision of the future, and it’s all quite plausible in a bleak sort of sense. We see the kind of changes that might befall this country after an indeterminate number of decades, through the eyes of somepony frozen in time, Princess Luna (who is no stranger to the concept already). While this does invariably focus attention to actions immediately concerning her, she does allow her mind to wander a bit, which gives us a bit more insight into this future. I felt Luna was a particularly interesting pick for this kind of story, because A) Twilight or Celestia or Twilight and Celestia are much more common in this sort of setup, thus Luna offers a bit of a darkhorse pick, and 2) Luna offers a bit of interesting perspective that her sister could not. Indeed, the younger princess makes a number of references to her elder sister, giving us a fair insight into her mind and some of the conflict the two are undoubtedly facing.
So, we do get this interesting insight into the near future, and what led us there, and then… it just sort of ends on a quip (a comparatively tame one, compared to earlier in the fic). A few commenters encouraged the idea to be expanded upon, and at first I agreed: now that we were built up, we should go somewhere with it. But upon reflection, I actually sort of dig it as-is. It gets in there as a vignette, makes its case in 2.4k, and gets out of the way. When writing the reviews for this round’s fics, I actually had the easiest time with this one, simply because it is so focused.
Granted, the story is marked incomplete, so we might yet have our wish. But even in it’s current form, it’s a neat little vignette.
I have a bit of a personal relationship to this story; it was an entry into a competition that I also entered a fic into, at the end of which Educated Guess and I wound up tied with each other. I read it at the time (sans epilogue), and recall having liked it. Reading through it again for this review, I might say that it doesn’t quite live up to my memory of it, but it’s still undoubtedly a worthy read. I’ll just say right out that it’s a companion to a story I’ve never read, but I suspect that only really impacted my enjoyment of the story’s recently posted epilogue; the main story feels a lot more contained and cohesive.
The King of Kings has a prevailing tone that almost makes it feel like an old parable, though the focus on telling a story over delivering a message goes against that. Still, it feels appropriately antiquated in a number of ways: the narration is direct, the dialogue has touches of archaism, and the setting screams “moral lessons will be learned here.” The main character, Ozylandura, is a noble from a land foreign to the one we’re used to, and he’s lost his kingdom and most of his youthful, angry convictions. See what I’m talking about? We’re at the end of a journey that’s taught Ozy some very valuable, parable-appropriate lessons, and though we aren’t directly taught all that much ourselves, the tone of it all is played to great effect in order to deliver some quality world-building.
Hard errors in The King of Kings don’t extend beyond a tiny handful of typos, and I don’t really have much to say in terms of larger, more subjective issues. I felt a bit disconnected from the events, I suppose; I’m coming in at the end of a journey that I haven’t seen the buildup to, so mentions of past events, the changes the main character has undergone, and the state of the country have little to no emotional impact on me (though they’re not without at least some intellectual impact). It actually gets a bit excessive in that regard in the epilogue, with a decent number of new characters and concepts being brought up and left barely explained, but the main story is better about that. Something to remember, though, is that this is and was always meant to be a short story, and I feel it gets across what it was meant to: world-building is what’s important here, as opposed to emotional investment.
Oh boy! Yet another story from the World-Building Alliance!
And this one’s kind of a weird one. It dashed all my hopes and dreams, but after I got past that, this story actually ended up quite solid. Ya see, for the longest time, it had only one chapter. And that one chapter was fantastic. Educated Guess took Ozymandias, one of my favorite poems, ponified it slightly, and made it the basis for his world-building. And it worked out splendidly. In just under 4k words, he set up a rather well thought-out universe that had me really excited to see where he was gonna take it. It worked really well as an introductory chapter to a larger tale.
But that “Incomplete” tag that sat there for so long made me forget how I felt when I first read the story. When I first read the story, I thought it was a one-shot. So when I finished that first chapter, I was quite satisfied. All the world-building and all the setting up had been developed enough to the point where it could end right then and there, and it would be a wonderful story. It was only when I noticed that it was marked as “Incomplete” that I started to build up expectations for it. And those expectations were pretty spectacular.
So the roughly 1k word ending came out, and I read it. And it didn’t turn the story into the grander tale I was expecting. But if I remove all those built-up expectations and return once again to the mindset of, “This is a one-shot,” the epilogue, while not necessarily adding much, does further develop the world and provide a bit of context for what was going on. Sure, if it was always going to be a one-shot, perhaps this epilogue was unnecessary. But so long as you’re in the one-shot mindset, this story turned out to be pretty solid. It’s certainly worth reading for its strong world-building alone.
Seriously, trekking through the desert without any water has got to suck.
I always disclaimer statements like this by saying that I’m not the most well-read individual on the site, but King of Kings did a lot of things that I don’t see much of. Opening with freakin’ Shelly (and indeed, deriving some of the initial premise from this piece). A character wandering the desert, thus depriving us of set pieces (mostly). The main character is aged, and much of him is revealed through flashbacks. A very healthy amount—especially for such a short piece—of worldbuilding, pulling from Judeo-Christian, Arabic, Greek, and probably a number of other sources I missed. The mysterious elements of the plot’s main drive—the entire reason that our main character Ozylandura travels to the Valley of Kings to meet the goddess Harena—is not even given a proper address until the epilogue, where even then it is treated in ominous and obscure fashion.
It makes for a wonderful piece of original fiction.
This is largely a matter of taste, because many others, my peers included, find it to be a terrific piece of world-building. And I suppose I don’t disagree with that statement. I just felt that the pony connection was stretched thin at parts. External real-world references are not a problem—indeed, canon is loaded with them, especially Greco-Roman—but mentions of worshipping the Lord drew a wince from me. Being set in the Super Distant Future does give you a giant reset button with which to reshape how a new civilization might emerge, but that’s a double-edged sword as you don’t want your work to feel too disconnected. The main characters are even referred to as horses (anyhorse, etc) instead of ponies, those this might’ve been a Saddle Arabian reference.
Don’t let the “not enough pony” rant confuse you, though. I did enjoy these piece. Weighing in at only 3.8k with a 1k epilogue, this piece is surprisingly dense. It does a lot with what’s said, but also what’s left unsaid, which is a very difficult task to learn in an amateur writing circle such as ours. The epilogue required a few rereads to disseminate all the information from it, and while that is a dealbreaker for your lite reader in search of feel-good fluff, occasionally a piece that you can really sink your teeth into is exactly what you’re in the mood for. Indeed, I suspect that there were a number of allusions to this fic’s companion story, and after having my curiosity piqued, I’m tempted to check it out. Isn’t that exactly the kind of reaction you want?
Burraku_Pansa sits hunched over a sheet of paper, a red pen in hand and a dark sneer on his face. “Sun is the shyn… The sun is shining, and… ‘all bird tweet.’ Really.” He looks up and fixes a judgmental stare on Pav Feira. “Really.”
“I told you, it wasn’t me!” Pav holds up his hands defensively, leaning backwards so as to avoid the brunt of the scathing look. “Csquared wrote the intro this week!”
“Csquared,” Burraku repeats, deadpan.
“Yeah. I mean, it had TwiLuna, so…” Pav looks to the edge of the room, scratching idly at his neck. “Couldn’t have been me, right?”
“So Csquared, one of the the most vehement anti-shippers in the Angels, wrote it instead. That is what you want me to believe?”
Csquared stares quietly at the floor, her hands fidgeting and wringing out her trademark Santa hat. “Pav lives a life of sin,” she murmurs.
Burraku wads up the “fanfic” and chucks it over his shoulder. As Pav wails and scrambles after it, Burraku turns to Csquared. “What’ve you got?”
Her pensive mood melting into a grin, Csquared puts a stack of papers on Burraku’s desk. “We’ve got a bunch of new story recommendations! Looks like the group is really going strong.”
“That’s great,” says Burraku with a nod. “And I just got off the horn with—”
Pav stops digging through the trash bin in the corner. “Off the horn?” he snarks. “Who even says that anymore?”
“People who know how to write,” says Golden Vision as he enters the heretofore undescribed room. He takes a seat next to Csquared and nods to Burraku. “You were saying?”
“I was saying that I got off the horn with RBDash47. He says he’ll be able to make it on this weekend’s livestream as our special guest.”
“Dude!” Pav cheers. “What time is it?”
The others share a look. “It’s TBD,” says Csquared. “We’ll make a forum post when it’s locked down, but… you can’t make it. You’ll be washing your hair then.”
“Damn my Samson-esque hair,” Pav says with a sigh.
Huh. First time seeing a new blog post just as it is posted.
Fascinating.
I found this post offensive. That is most certainly not my avatar.
I would like to know how you all decide what stories to review. Cause there are several stories I would like to see done, and maybe someday, even have a story worth reviewing as well.
1469350
We either find them somewhere on the site in our own time, or we get them from the recommendation thread
Very happy to see The Liar getting its due here. It and Bubbles are arguably the best first-wave fanfics the MLP community produced, yet the The Liar doesn't have nearly as much fame. This fic definitely shows how to use a narrative device as more than a irrelevant gimmick.
>Titlte
I mean, where you even trying at this point?
Also, what the hell? Why didn't you guys tell me you were reviewing a Trixie fic?
...great. Now I'm thinking about To The Moon again.
1469406
Blame Pav for everything.
Okay, trying to read that "Story" at the beginning hurt my eyes along with my OCD. It was pretty funny though.
Obviously the intro is this week's greatest literary achievement.
Her Majesty Csquared is back? Bitchin'.
And Burraku_Pansa is a reviewer for this round... Where have I heard that name before?
Oh yeah, that. So, temporary guest reviewer or newest addition to the group?
If parodies of bad writing went out of style a thousand years ago, how long ago did meta-jokes go out of style?
I didnt read all that
what was it about
1469475
As if I didn't already.
1469547
You didn't get that when I was in the last podcast? You wound me.
That one.
1469627
...Then why comment if you didn't read?
1469676
Had to make sure.
1469681
No, that was Santa Csquared. This is 'Her Majesty' Csquared. That is a subtle, yet crucial distinction... unless of course I'm completely mistaken.
1469681 Heyo Square my friend. Nice to see you making meaningful contributions to the fanbase :p I'm still a bit jelly you got level 30 so fast in smite xD And that legendary Artemis, it figures because she is all you would ever play but still. Ah well I'm catching up! 11 masteries and level 26 I'll be in ranked soon enough :D
Even Luna was speaking incorrectly. You used mine twice when the correct word would 8e my. (Yes, I know Luna was still supposed to 8e speaking Old/Middle English, 8ut mine was only used in situ8thions wh8re an would also 8e appropri8. i. e., when the next word 8egins with a vowel sound.)
1469925
Well, Luna did notice that it was affecting her too.
And that's the third time I almost died laughing.
Who wrote the HORRIBLY spelling/grammatically/punctuational incorrect very short story up there? Whoever made it, I give it a big thumbs down!
Utterly lost it at "Cialis".
Am I the only one who read the intentionally bad parts of the intro in a thick Russian accent?
Some really good gems this time! Oh, and the stories were cool too.
Seriously though, The Liar is legendary-tier. It was around when I first started fanfic as "that backwards-written one" that people were trying to find to no avail. I can't think of a better hidden gem.
1470011 I used to write like that when I was little, and so did you. Even though it was a horrible story and I stopped reading it halfway, that person tried their best, or intentionally failed. So what? It's okay to make mistakes. It's how you learn and grow. Now please, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. You're only bringing this on yourself.
Hmmmm..... one fic I'd recommend checking out on here is one called "A Minor Variation". It's incomplete, but good thusfar. Interesting perspective, that's for sure.
1471464
This one? The one that has over 7k views? Yeah, that's outside of the range of the Angels. We're looking for things that haven't gotten that kind of exposure.
1470969 WOAH THERE! I wasn't trying to be mean. I just wanted to know where that story came from. Are you the one who wrote it?
1471924
...Uhhh... You read the outro, right? That should tell you everything you need to know.
1471924 I wasn't trying to be mean, either. I was just pointing out the fact that it's not very nice to say things like that, even if they meant to make it bad for the sake of humor. No, I didn't write it. I can spell, use grammar and use punctuation correctly. I'm sorry if I've made you upset in some way. I've got to stop criticizing people. It's gotten into a habit, now.
God help me...
1471929 What's an "outro"?
1472413
The opposite of an intro.
1472794>>1471929 i want more intro so-bad-that-its-good stories.
The beginning...GOOBY PLZ