I was born in November, on a Monday, I was named Regal Prism and I became a Prince, I had few friends, two of which actually talk to me, Golden Ingot, a Golden Body, with a slightly tainted gold mane and tail, and Electric Blue, a Light Blue Colt with a electric blue mane and tail.
We were all happy, Equestria was normal, and you are about to see a slice of my life.
Special Thanks to: Flutterkip, my editor and helper.
Teh_Engineer, For a Thesaurus and Editor.
Chapters (2)
Just so you know this is going receive a lot of downvotes, no matter how well it's written, for two reasons:
1. Alicorn OC
2. Ponymaker image
Those are two giant red flags in this community that says "Don't read this story"
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This comment section is gonna be good... I can feel it.
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2480254
I agree, and add chapters of 500 and 1000 words, and you have a recipe for disaster.
Okay, let's review this story.
First of all, you kind of lost my some of my interest by making your character an alicorn, while there is no reason for him to be one. He could have been a pegasus from Cloudsdale, a unicorn from Canterlot or an earth-pony from Manehattan and nothing would have changed.
Him being an alicorn from royalty (a relative from Celestia even) doesn't add anything to his character. It doesn't make him more identifiable, it makes him look more like an overpowered protagonist. Maybe take that in consideration.
Another problem is that you like to switch between telling your story in the present, but later go with past. Stick with one or the other, because it kind of ruins the flow of the story when you don't know if it happens now, or happened in the past.
Speaking of flow, I get the weird feeling you're trying to tell the story in a slow manner. I could be mistaken on this, but if this is the case, your doing a poor job on it. Part of what makes a slow moving story entertaining, is the fact you go into extensive detail about things.
An example: Johnny felt the fresh breezes from the forest touch the insides of his nostrils as he stepped out of the car. He turned to see the love of his life do the same, while taking her own sniff of the forest distinct smells. Both turned to look how the autumn trees let their leaves touch the grass, which seemed to dance a loving seranade in the soft afternoon wind.
Perhaps not the best example, seeing I myself am not that great of a writer, but you can see I go into a little detail about the things they encounter. It feels like you are trying to move slow, but only writing it in just a little over 500 words and a little over 1000 words. That's not how it works. Slow storytelling means longer chapters as well.
Is there anything good about this story then? Sure, your spelling is alright, didn't see anything wrong.
But besides that, this story just bored me. It didn't have anything interesting going on (yet), the characters aren't as much characters as just ponies we see in the background (beside your alicorn OC which shouldn't be one) and you move too fast in a story that seems to work better if it was slow.
Sorry, but this will get a thumbs down from me.
Author I am disappoint
2480511 Yes, I am sorry, I am not a good writer... Please don't hurt me.. *cowers*
I'm sorry guys... If you want I can just delete this story, I knew I was going to get hate...
2480542 You don't have to delete this story, but as I said before, you really need to work on your writing skills. Don't think that just because people react to your story like this, that they hate you as well.
No one is perfect, especially in the beginning. See your first story as a lesson on how people on fimfiction react towards things like alicorn OC's, length of stories etc. You know what? I'll give you some tips to help you along.
1: I recommend writing stories about the original characters first. Writing OC's is a lot harder than it looks, especially if you don't know the reactions people can give. Just write a story about your favourite pony from the show in a funny or adventurous way. And never, and I repeat NEVER, write them out of character. Because it shows how little respect you have for the source material.
2: Look for a proofreader/editor. Just because you have one editor and helper (Flutterkip), you shouldn't think he/she can do everything. Look for more experienced proofreaders and editors. I'm sure there are some who'll help you. (Don't ask me though, I'm not an experienced editor)
3: Alicorns. Don't do them, unless you want hate or know how to pull them off wonderfully. As I stated in my review, you didn't.
4: Think both inside and outside the box. What do I mean by that? Don't go outside the boundaries of the already established world. Don't break rules that are already made, unless, for example, the world hasn't been explored enough. If you want an example, check out my story 'Melody of the Night'. I want to work in the already established world of ponies, but create a different world for the dragons.
And last but not least, 5: Take criticism and laugh at the comments. Constructive criticism is always useful. Don't be an arrogant bastard and say that you wrote it for yourself alone and you don't care about grammar. It's a public site, others would want to read it too, you know? Also, if there are any harsh comments with a video or picture attached to it for comedic affect, don't treat it like they want to destroy your whole life. They are having fun with you and you should have fun with them.
I hope this helped you a little. If you have anymore questions, ask away.
Guys, we all know this... Read it if you think it'll be interesting, don't read it if you think it isn't.
So yeah...
Why can't people learn that we don't like stories with Alicorn OCs? I don't mind Ponymaker coverarts, but sweet Jesus!
An alicorn OC.
Oh, goody.
>Alicorn OC.
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>A relative to Celestia.
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>Saves Equestria from NMM.
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>Two chapters, total word count = 1590
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A big fucking can of NOPE heading your way, bud.
Here's some advice - lurk more on this site. Read others' stories, get some inspiration going beforehand. To be a good writer, you need to read as well. And I read a lot. I mean, you seriously have no idea how much books I've read over the years.
So, uh, yeah. That's my advice to you.
Alicorn OC? Lots of dislikes? Sorry mate, i'm not going to bother reading this story.
Also, two chapters with less than at least 2500 words combined? Yeah, i can see that it's a weak story from miles away. You're getting my downvote already, mate.
Oh dear. This is not going to end well.
There's a perfect storm of "NO" heading towards this story.
1) Alicorn OC. - Bad writer! Bad bad writer!
2) Ponymaker image - Cheap and lazy as hell.
3) First time writer - Not necessarily bad in and of itself but typically not good.
4) Random capitalisation. Only proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences should be capitalised.
5) Grammar issues - You had an editor. They should have caught these.
6) They go to Ponyville to the library for some reason. Are there no libraries in Canterlot?
7) First pony they meet is Pinkie Pie - Cliche story writing 101.
8) Short chapter length - first chapter under 500 words and second chapter barely more than 1000? You need to write more. Give us more to work with.
9) Second pony they meet is Twilight Sparkle - Cliche story writing 201.
10) Twilight's colour is wrong - you say she's magenta. That's a kind of pink. Twilight is typically referred to as purple or lavender.
11) Another of the mane 6 is the next pony they meet - you do realise there is more than just these six ponies in all of Ponyville right?
You're hitting a lot of the cliches and tropes for bad story telling which makes me wonder if this is serious or if you're just trying to write a trollfic. My suggestion to you is to go back and read some of the top rated stories and see what makes them work.
Okay, it's cancelled... I am tired of all this hate... No more of it.
So go on.. Leave me to die in this hole.
Okay so, I obviously know everyone hates Alicorn OCs, and I am making changes, so please tell me it's better that way...
2482097
Learn to differentiate between "your story sucks now go die in a fire" and "your story doesn't work and here's why".
The first is hate, the second isn't. You're hitting on just about every cliche a bad story can have but you can change this and you can improve it. Now that you know these things, you can work on your story and hopefully turn some of those votes around.
Okay, I am going to try and get 2,000 or more for you guys, maybe it would be a bit better?
My editor doesn't seem to want to do it, so if you think words need to be worked on, blame him, I am sure he is very busy though with more important things.
2485143
The length of these chapters is only part of the problem. In saying you're going to simply write more will only fix the issue of length. It won't do a thing for the rest of the issues such as the grammar, the cliched plot or the overall story. You need to work on this as a whole taking care to see where you're at your weakest and where you can improve.
Yes, write more but long chapters do not necessarily translate to quality chapters. I want you to take a look at Austraeoh. It's a great story with small, condensed little chapters. Typically the chapters are under 1000 words but it's just the pure essence of a story. All the fat and gristle and unnecessary things have been trimmed away leaving only the juicy story bits behind. I'm not saying for you to write something like that, but unless you have skill you need to write longer chapters. Give us more to work with.
2481171 Oh and, about the library, they decided not to go to Canterlot libraries.
I mean, it is good to try somewhere different, you know?
2661364
Why? You need to have a reason for your characters to do anything. Right now they go to Ponyville to the library there because, "we could go down to Ponyville and find something to do, and maybe go to the Library, the libraries here aren't really interesting, and I am sure they have much better books down at Ponyville". Why does Ponyville have better books than in Canterlot which is the literal capital of Equestria. You'd think that such a great place would have the best books. It would be like living in New York City and instead of going to the Main Branch on 5th and 42nd, you take a train all the way out to Newark to their public library and say that the books there are better.
If you want us to believe this you need to have a proper reason. For example, they need a specific book and go to the library to get it but are told that the only available copy of this is in Ponyville. And there you go.. They now have a reason to go to Ponyville and your story hasn't suffered from a massive plot hole.
2662095
Another thing is the fact that a trip to Ponyville by train is not done in a few minutes. Watch Mystery on the Friendship Express, it take a whole night to go from Ponyville to Canterlot by train. And so ...
They cannot go to Ponyville overnight, or else their parents are going to be worried.
When writing a story you need a coherent timeline too.
2666068 The butler said that when they stayed, not when heading to Ponyville.
Sorry for the confusion.
2669009
But my point stand.
If the parents are going to be worried if they stay in a friend house for longer than sundown, I don't think they're going to be less worried when the kids go to another town overnight without telling anyone.
2669024
Yeah I see where I messed up.
But I can't/won't fix it because A. Too lazy and B. It'll change like 50% of this story.
2669044 My counterarguments to your weak reasoning are as follows:
A. If you are too lazy to change this story in any way, delete it and be done with it. It would rid this website of a few wasted kilobytes of memory and we'd all sleep sounder knowing that this didn't exist.
B. This story needs to be changed. Period. Fifty percent isn't even enough. You need a near complete retrofit here. It's not getting better and there is absolutely no sign that it is going to stop getting worse. Just end it. Refer to Counterargument A, located above for your convenience.
And now, my further comments will be directed towards the complete turnaround of this story. This comment was merely to voice my opinions. I will only do so once, provided you don't give me cause to continue ranting.
2677315 Yeah I probably should, I am still surprised how this even got past submission, I will delete it SOMETIME... Because I just have terrible skills, and my Editor is not willing to help me anymore.
2480589
I mildly disagree with that don't write out of character if it's a pony from the show, because what if they don't have an established character? There, you can go out of your way to make a personality. And, it IS alright to go out of character if you only do it a tiny bit and not something dramatic. Hell, I'm writing a story where Twilight is going to change in character completely because of a certain turn of events. So sometimes writing somewhat out of character still shows respect for the show because you're willing to try something different with a character and extend them a tad.
I agree with the other stuff though.
2677315 Thats kinda harsh isn't it
2839124
You picture is hilarious.
I love it!
2839133 Thanks!