davster1209
Joined 19th Jan, 2013 ·
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its Sirius
Major mistake: epilogues go at the end of the story. This is definitely a prologue, not an epilogue.
2446698 Thanks It must have slipped my and my editors minds.
2446721
There's quite a number of punctuation and capitalization errors. You might want a new editor, because your current one doesn't seem to be doing their job.
2446787 I rushed into getting the first chapter done and didn't give him a chance. Should I just take it down or edit it now. He did the prologue and half of chapter 1. He's also a great writer.
Whether you take it down or just fix it later is up to you. Though you might lose some potential readers if their first time reading the story is full of mistakes. Editing needs some time to happen, and rushing it isn't a very good idea.
2446843 I did reread my chapter one, it wasn't that bad because I couldn't find much problems. Do you mean my grammer or maybe I have my " " 's are set up? Thats were i have the most problem. But besides that the read doesn't seem to difficult, I've read stories with worse punctuation then this one and was still able to enjoy it.
Thanks for the feed back
Your grammar, your spelling, your tendency to not always capitalize I or I'm, your frequent skipping of punctuation at at the end of quotes, a bunch of small things.
You really don't ever want to leave spelling and grammar checks up to yourself, since you'll miss stuff you think is right but isn't.
I'd say to copy/paste the chapters into Microsoft Word and let its spellcheck help you out then you can edit some bits that you intentionally want to keep.
2447160 thanks, that will save me a lot of time
>grammatical error in title
>description in title (why?)
>self-proclaimed greatness
Could use work
2447160
>it's
And here's a great example of why relying on spell-check is a bad idea
2449457
I never said I used it for comments now did I. Just a small typo, yeesh. :L
2449457 Self proclaimed greatness? I', not trying I'm saying I'm new and un-experiences. I'm not trying to act like I'm great and I don't even think I'm that great. If your talking about the story, the only part that might be doing that is Josh when he was messing around
-thanks for the feed back
2450820
>"it has a great story"
-davster1209
2451283 O, ok that. I ment it wasn't a pure clop and it had a unusually long story line mixed with clop here and there. I hope that clears up any suspicion of being egotistic.
Its a good story keep up the good work bro
2456603 Thanks for the first positive
I'm actualy eager for next chapter...sure, your grammar isn't perfect, but that doesn't mean it's a bad story.
2467090
Finally someone wanted to read my story, I thought everyone hated my story 
2467537 Of course, just because a story has some spelling errors, and grammar mistakes, doesn't mean it's bad. This isn't a site for professional writers, just like youtube isn't for professional filmmakers.
2473753 *slow clap
DAS! I missed it. I meant to read when it came out but ended up getting sidetracked like I usually do (Isn't that a surprise huh?) Indeed a very good story, probably better then most of the crap I write yet for some reason the crap I write gets on the front page and I just sit there and think 'Fuck... this is not gonna end well.'
I would just take out Josh he sounds like a guy who would just take advatage of Rainbow or twilight and that would end the friendship between him and the main charater. I'd have his family move so it less of a berden.
On second thaught the police should get Josh for possion of drugs. Its alot faster than him moving and with teens like them that think there worthless wast of space they would do stuff like that.
2494112 I'm going to keep josh around he's to important to the story
2500931 Sounds good.
Guy: Cinderella! You've dropped your glass shoe!
Cinderella: Ain't nobody got time fo' dat!
Alright, I'll have to post some criticism. Hopefully constructive.
First of all, you should probably get a prereader. Sometimes it is slightly more difficult to make sense of a sentence. And you definitely need to rewrite the first switch to Josh's view - half of the sentences is still in 3rd person view and it make Josh look like he has multiple personalities.
Secondly, this chapter feels a little too rushed. You don't become suicidal after a girl who you know for a day and whose only display of romantical affection towards you was a peck on a cheek gets kissed. Unless he was on verge of breakdown long before this.
Finally, the dialog after he jumped seems a bit off. They are awfully calm and chitchating for such a grave situation. About bleeding out - in five minutes he would be long since dead and the cliff wouldn't probably be very high. If it was high enough so they would have to search for him, bleeding would be the last of the problems.
Otherwise I enjoy the story. The concept of them coming to study this world and slightly trailing off is very entertaining. I hope some of my points will be helpfull.
2512586 Thanks for the feed back, I'm actually quiet embarrassed about the crappy chapter, I tried to make it sounded like the character was depressed. And he isn't killind himself over the girl, He's killing himself over the friend that betrayed him. The sense of losing everything was enough to put him over the edge.
I will be bringing it back to the whole Twilight studying humanity, but its suppose to be a moral lesson that she didn't know that human's like to keep there loves to themselves instead of mating with multiple mares like in equestrian's male/female ratio.
They weren't chit chatty there focused on saving there friend and fighting won't help. Josh is more of a "tough guy" so when he knew that he might be able to save his friend he calmed down. Twilight know's that a bad fall isn't usually a death threat, Like when Rainbow Dash crashed and broke her wings. But she was upset from him being so sad/angry over something she caused.
I hope this insite clarifies the chapter
Also I did feel rushed, sorry for trying to move the story along so quickly. I felt that I was moving too slow.
OMG I WAS READING HALF WAY THROUGH THIS AND WHEN I READ JOSH KISSED TWILIGHT, I WAS SO ANGRY I WAS ABOUT TO PUNCH A FUCKING WALL. GOOD ENDING, I CAN'T WAIT FOR ANOTHER CHAPTER!
2513780 OMG SOMEONE ACTUALLY LIKED MY STORY
, you sir have me the push to keep going after being told I have 1000 mistakes
2514108 No problem man just keep at it, I don't care about mistakes I only care about the story. I FUCKING LOVE IT BY THE WAY.
2514108 Sorry I sounded so resentful. I didn't try to be mean and now I feel bad about that
You clarified the suicide thing very well, it makes sense to me now. Keep going 
Jus..just
sad
2515167 It's fine I'm just a little insecure about my first story, Sorry I didn't clarify in the story, I tried to motion the intentions many times.
2516242 Don't worry the story isn't over yet, just stick with it man it will get better
Btw to anyone who see's this, did the video link work? Also do you guys mind if I drop music in the story to set the mood, or just for the convenant's to have the characters listen to some music.
If so please tell me what kind of music would be preferred
:
2516429 ok I will wait.
2516852 Its pretty good I think I know how I'll use it
My favorite part is when Cyrus tries to fix his noes! "I know what to do, I've seen this on TV." I laughed my ass off at that.
My second favorite is when Twilight and Dash jump into his bed in their underwear because of the storm.
2519196 I'm very happy you liked my story. More then you know, this being my first story I'm happy people are enjoyed it.
2514299
dude your so beast.
That was So alsome
2521339 Dam right
Man... I feel so bad. Everyday when I got home at 9pm after working close to 14hrs I was like "I shall edit for you" then I got up stairs to my room and passed out (My bed smells like dairy barn now and my mom is PISSED!) So sorry it took so long to edit, great story and can't wait for more... actually I can wait... I'm exhausted and a cow kicked my knee back so I'm sitting here like "Ow... fuck my leg."
2522395 What was your favorite part?