'Round the Corner, 'Round the Bend
“… WITH A PINEAPPLE!” I hear myself finish.
Sounds like a traditional, angry surge greeted the sudden appearance of Pinkie Pie. Fair enough, in my opinion. It should be well established information by now, especially to her, that surprising me is like wearing a tie dye t-shirt at a funeral; a dumb fucking thing to do and you deserve the vitriol that is bound to go your way.
Before I even dare look at Pinkie, I turn to Vinyl Scratch. I think I should explain myself about what just happened. “So yeah, that was a surge. I’m guessing it’s not too different with Aunt Rain.”
“Yeah.” She nods. “Just replace threats of putting fruits up places fruit shouldn’t be with suddenly appearing storm clouds and it’s just the same. Also, it doesn’t make those nearby blue.”
“Huh? What are y…?”
The ending of the question never left my muzzle because I finally looked at the eccentric surpriser. By looking at her, I remembered what she had promised me about this Re-Cute Mitzvah. No Pink. She even said she’d paint herself blue. I never thought she would actually do it, but… here she is. In all her hair-sprayed, body-painted wonder.
Bluey-Pie.
“No, Vinyl. I painted myself like this for Woundsalt’s Cute Mitzvah, see?” She stretches her leg to the disc jockey in a very elastic fashion. “No pink at the Cute Mitzvah. Right, Salty?”
I nod my head in ‘agreement’ as I mime the words “long story” to the DJ.
“Ah… okay.” Vinyl smirks… shit, I wish I can smirk like that. “About this Cute Mitzvah thing, actually. Is this going to be a short party? Because the guest of honour and I have a tournament to go to later tonight.”
“Ooh! Sounds fun!” The party planner perkily peeps. “I did plan this party to go to bed-time, but if you two want to leave until then you can. No biggie. Twilight only was in her own ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party for like a minute and fourteen seconds give or take an ad break.”
Ad break? What the fuck does she mean by…? You know what? No. I’m not even going to question it. I feel like it just raise more questions. That way madness lies. In fact, don’t even give it any indication that she said anything out of the ordinary. I feel like this is the best way to deal with Pinkie Pie.
Sandbagging her silliness.
I mean let’s think about it. The last time I decided to follow along with Pinkie was Tuesday when I talked to her at the private party and gave her my two cents. It left me having a world-collapsing panic attack and a new surname. The second time I faced Pinkie Pie didn’t have to be separated to yell expletives. Why? Because I sandbagged the silly. She wanted me to have lessons on taking a surprise yesterday, I made sure to distract her with this Re-Cute Mitzvah. Thanks to me sandbagging Pinkie Pie, I’m not tied to a chair right now with balloons and paper bags popping in my face. This is my strategy. Sandbag the s-where did she go?
“Ooh! One of these things! I love these things!”
Oh goddess, she found Mister Bobbybird the Second. She’s nodding along with him and everything. This might be a good way to test my strategy.
“Pinkie, leave it alone!” I yell at her. “I only got it about half an hour ago!”
“Aw, okay…” She says, ending the activity. Great! It works! “Who gave this to you anyway?”
“Some pony in an arcade named-”
“Salty Bet?” she interrupted. Of course she knows about her. Probably had a party for her and everything. “Ooh! Are you two related? I was thinking she could be a sister or a cousin or maybe an aunt because sometimes aunts can be very y-”
“That’s what I was in her arcade to find out.” That’s it, Woundsalt. Interrupt the long dialogue. Don’t give her a running jump into the deep end. “And before you ask, no. No relation.”
“Oh. Oh well! No offence to her, but that pony’s a bit of a weirdo, anyway.” Says the painted blue pony bouncing around the place… So yeah, she would know what a ‘weirdo’ looks like. “I went to her place for a sleepover this one time and all we did was play video games! And yet I felt drained the next morning!”
… Of course she did. Pinkie Pie’s just full of happy. I bet to a changeling like Bet she’s a fucking smorgasbord.
“Well then,” Vinyl Scratch says, keeping the painted Pinkie Pie from moving around too much. “To party?”
“Uh… yeah, I gu-”
“TO PARTY!” The party planner formerly known for the colour pink yells, as she pushes both of us out the door.
“Oh…”
“Pinks,” Vinyl says, interrupting what could have been the fifth song since leaving the library. “Maybe all these songs be better in front of an audience more than just us two? Like, at the Cute Mitzvah or something?”
“Oh! Right!” the recently blue one squeals. “A few songs would be perfect after the glass breaking part! I love that part!”
I can only smile at Vinyl as we continue on. Thank goddess she thought of that; my ears are killing me.
“Seriously, what does she put inside her to be this mental?” I whisper to the DJ.
“Yeah, she a bit much some times.” She whispers in reply. “But she does know how to throw a party.”
I nod a little bit before changing the subject. “Vinyl, I got a bit of a confession, actually. I didn’t really know Neightalian. Magic possessed me.”
“Oh, so that shit yesterday was…? Dude, that's awesome. You have Neightalian magic?”
“I would say more of a Trottingham kind of guy, he's just connected to all of literature so of course he's a smart a-”
“I can speak Neightalian!” Pinkie yelps from ahead of us. A little rude, but I guess she said it to be part of the conversation.
“Can you now?” Vinyl Scratch asks the previous pink pony.
“Uh-huh! Well, some plumber I know taught me a word!”
Not exactly learning a language, but hey, it’s a start. We wait for her to say this word.
“[Vagina!]”
We regretted to wait for her to say this word. Or at least, I did. Vinyl just quickly looked at me to see my reaction. She’s snickering, so it must be priceless.
“It’s pink!” The suddenly foul-mouthed filly giggles.
“Urk! I’m afraid it isn’t. The word for pink is [pink].” My magic states. Clearly, the mystical Mr. Fix-it inside me would want to correct this.
“Oh, really?” Pinkie asks. “Then what did I say?”
“Urk! Apologies, Pinkamena. I do not find you responsible enough to know such information.”
Yeah, I’m with my magic there. I don’t think Pinkie’s mentally mature enough to learn that she said filly-bits in an alternative language.
“Nu-huh! I can be überly-tuberly responsible!” The party-making potty-mouth protests. “I handle knives at the bakery…”
Somepony puts a knife in this filly’s hoof? Seriously?
“I also have to handle the ovens…”
And somepony trusts her with heat-creating devices. Why, oh, why is somepony trusting her with heat-creating devices?
“Oh! And I take care of Pumpkin and Pound Cake! They’re the babies I told you about yesterday. Oooh they are soooo cute!”
AND CHILDREN?! SOMEPONY IS TRUSTING HER WITH BUCKING CHILDREN? THEIR OWN CHILDREN? KNIVES! HEAT! CHILDREN! PLEASE TELL ME I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WORRIED HERE!
“Ooh! Here they come now!” Pie points down the road. Up to our direction comes a blue earth mare pushing along a stroller big enough to hold twins, noticing us and zooming in closer.
“Ah! Mister Woundsalt, I assume!” The realistically blue mare greets me. “It’s an honour to meet you. My name is Cup Cake. Pinkie told me so much about you!”
All I can do right now is look dead in this Cup Cake’s eyes and point to Pinkie, asking a very simple question.
“Are you the pony who trusts this filly with knives, heat and your own children?”
She takes a quick look at Pinkie Pie before looking straight back at me with her reply. “I know, dearie, I know. But you’d be surprised how responsible she can be. Believe me, she’s full of surprises.”
This makes my jaw drop as the pony in question gives me, albeit an action that disproves her point, but a well-deserved raspberry.
“Anyway… Pinkie, I hope you and Woundsalt don’t mind me taking the twins out for a stroll. Just in case anything happens at this Re-Cute Mitzvah.”
“Good call.” Vinyl peeps from behind us. Yes, good call indeed.
“No problem!” Pinkie pronounced. “Anything else?”
“No, that’s all.” Mrs. Cake nods then waves. “Mazel tov on your Re-Cute Mitzvah, Mister Sparkle!”
“Thank… You…” There was something wrong with what she said. What was wrong with what she said?
…
Mister Sparkle.
“Pinkie.” I say with clenched teeth. “Did you tell Mrs. Cake before or after Twilight’s instruction to not tell anyone about the adoption?”
“I didn’t tell her about that. I only told Vinyl.” She says, turning her head around to the DJ. “Did you tell her that?”
“Nope.” Vinyl says. “I figured it’s supposed to be on the down-low. Didn’t even tell Tavi.”
“Then how come Mrs. Cake…?” Pinkie pauses until a look appeared on her face. The look of dread. “Oh no.”
“What?” I ask her.
“Oh no.” She repeats.
“What?” Vinyl asks.
“Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no…”
“Pinkie!” We both yell.
The now panicked pony looks at me.
“I’m so sorry. I was just so excited about the party! I wasn’t thinking straight…
… I put your new surname on the cake.”
I ran to the Sugarcube Corner.
[br]
I don’t know how I guessed that the Sugarcube Corner would be the one house in the village that looks like a gingerbread house, but I ran towards it to open the door. Please, no. Please let it not be true. Or if it is True, please tell me she isn’t there; that she is late so we can get rid of the cake before she gets here. I. Don’t. Want. Octavia. To. See. This.
…
Lo and behold, there it stands. It stands in the middle of the bakery in large, blue letters on a lighter blue tower of cake.
MAZEL TOV
WOUNDSALT SPARKLE!
I stare at the words.
Everypony stares at me.
She stares at me…
… Indescribably in front of the cake…
… Understandably tearing up.
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Well, Pinkie Pie is screwed. On the upside, she will only be exposed to three hours of Wound yelling at her in an actively angry surge. Followed by Salt apologizing for two hours for the screw up of one weirdly angry and worried about seeing him again mare or stallion who purposefully foisted him into the Sparkle family.
Oh shit poor WS (or shoud it be WSS?)
woundsalt sparkle....
...
Mistakes were made.
I kind of want to see him walk up to the cake, eat that part of the frosting-writing, and then deny reality out loud as hard as he can!
"I have no idea what you're talking about, that cake has just as much frosting as it always had. Sparkle? Nah, I don't think I know anypony with that name. Are you sure you're feeling okay?"
Well, Twilight Velvet finally has a grandson. But Nightlight had no boyfriend to scare off.
THAT WAS HILARIOUS!
But slightly heartbreaking.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/5/27/335036__safe_solo_animated_image+macro_discord_reaction+image_popcorn_the+return+of+harmony_dis+gon+b+gud.gif
I can't wait to see what happens
Undeniably wonderful work as always. i love this story. you are #BestAuthor2015
5920850 And we need to be able to read at least half of it
Well fuck
Now, I'm not gonna tell Pinkie that was supposed to be a secret...
... But that was supposed to be a secret.
it's beautiful.... the velocity, the mass, the arc, the perfect placement of the fan... I can't wait...
5920850 I think I'd like it more if it was directed at Octavia, if only to have him have to dig himself out of the deepest of holes.
I can't figure out why she'd be crying though. It's not like it's some Earth shattering betrayal - it's a last name linking him to someone Octavia likely respects (as it seems almost everybody gives Twilight the benefit of the doubt). Living in the same town should at least temper her feelings towards Twilight - she's done loads to help Ponyville even when it put her life in jeopardy (dealing with a dragon, Nightmare Moon, Tirek, etc...)
And it's also not like there's a lot between them to betray yet. She's a huge fan of his, but it's not like she knows him personally all that well.
If this is a "say it ain't so, Joe" type moment, I'm gonna be hard-pressed to find it very credible. Tavi isn't some little kid - she's a thinking, well educated grown up - mature people don't automatically assume the worst and start crying, they ask questions first. Sure, sometimes those questions are loud and highly charged accusatory ones, but they at least ask.
5922544 That should be the story description. Seriously, I don't remember a chapter where that wasn't an appropriate comment.
Can we have a rage-shift blackout? Like, pure rage tuned up to eleven, the whole flame-body spiel, the whole shebang? That would be a believable reaction.
Wait, since when is Mrs. Cake's name Dazzle and not Cup? Wtf?
And I also don't quite understand what's the deal about Octavia seeing that inscription. What does she care? Does she thinkg Woundsalt married Twilight and took her surname or something?
That's why Pinkie wouldn't last long around me before getting sent to the moon by MY STEEL TOE CAP BOOTS!!!
5928911 Was it? I just looked up a wiki that said it was Dazzle...
5921097 Not of the spelling and grammar sense, I hope. If so, PM me, mkay?
5931386 I think in the show they're referred to as Cup Cake and Carrot Cake. Can't really say in which episode it might've been, but I have a strong memory of it being 100% canon and not fan speculation like a lot of other names. Maybe the dazzle thing was another toy mistake... Someone should clarify.
5934818 Wait, someone just fixed the wiki. You're right. Weird, I thought before I went looking it was Sponge Cake. Like a secret jab at her... well, I'm not one to talk of a woman's weight.
5923541 Well it could have happened like a game of telephone. Octavia came by later while everyone who was already there had come up with the assumption that they're married. After asking questioning what she believes are reliable sources she feels hurt from what could be seen through these circumstances as her being led on by a married man and her hero being a hypocritical bastard who was worse than the people he tore into on a regular basis.
Next I see some righteous public surging that digs his grave deeper because everyone else is under the assumption that he was in the wrong for cheating on Twilight and now he's taking his anger out on the person that exposed him. Than someone that is not him has to explain that they are actually the ones in the wrong, most likely either Pinkie or Vinyl while he goes after Tavi. She doesn't plan on listening to reason. Woundsalt is left with a pit in his heart and enough anger to shout some into more pieces than the previous Emperor. Which leads to the Rap Battle. That can go in far too many ways but almost all of them include him tearing the griffin and the diamond dog a new one using words that aren't even in the equestrian dictionary.
5942072
Wohoo, bring it Multiverse!^^
Bad Pinkie!
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/652/941/6a4.gif
NO!
All the white ponies are related, including Double Diamond.
Oh no, ive finally caught up. Noooooooooooo. Make more now pls.
sad face for guilt or something.
5957123 what anime is that?
5967831 I don't really know, but I'll go check.
Found it!
boku wa tomodachi ga sukunai
did I miss an update or something?
5934899 A real jab woulda been naming her Tonne Cake.
6002268 Erm... Read the blog, folks!
6002359 ...I did.
6002395 I know you did. Just telling others. In fact... I should put up a link to it.
6002432 Good idea.
I think you're missing a y there.
I love Salty Bet kappa
Pink Horse. Ya dun goofed!
And of course, nothing goes according to plan...
Nooooo, just no.
Brilliant move btw
Pinkie: Hey Pixel! Do you mind if I borrow your sledgehammer for a moment?
Me: You're going to break the fourth wall again aren't you.
Pinkie: So is that a no?
Oh god dammit