The Madness of the Material Mare
“[Hello, my name is Woundsalt.]”
…
“[Hello, my name is Woundsalt.]”
…
“[Hello, my name is Wound] - Urk! Oh, will you stop that and get to Rarity’s already?”
“Right! Right! Sorry!”
I’m in the library looking in a mirror and was practising my Neightalian, before my magic took himself to end the session. I better get going, anyway.
As I open the door, I feel even more nervous about the date. Granted, the major problem’s out of the way, but I can’t help but to feel nervous. That’s natural though, right? Nervous for a date? I never done anything like it before; what with the fact that I am pretty much a biological freak of nature. Don’t think fillies want to go to your place if your place was in a fucking orphanage too, I bet.
Oh Goddess, I can see the boutique from here. I’m surprised it didn’t catch my eye when I walked from the chariot yesterday. It’s huge! It’s exquisite! It’s… making me depressed for equinity, actually. Some unicorn selling clothing to a very nudist civilisation having such a magnificent shop and home, and yet the earth pony that sells fruit to vegetarians has to make her house out of her own trees. If I didn’t have the threat of my face having a hoof-sized hole if I even dare to touch a bottle, I would say it’s enough to make you drink.
What makes me less depressed and more stunned, however, is the realisation that we have such a very decorated and lavish place in Ponyville, and yet Twilight Sparkle was living in a tree.
Granted, that time was back when she was just a student. Celestia’s personal student, however. You’d think having your title have ‘Celestia’s personal’ in front of it gets you the fanciest house in town and NOT a tree. I hope she doesn’t move back in that tree now that she’s an alicorn. That’ll just be silly. She would at least have something beautiful… Like the same tree, but made out of crystals!
… Nah, that’ll look ridiculous.
Ah to hell with it, now is not the time to discuss living conditions of a pony who isn’t even here. My new tux awaits!
…
Where the fuck is the door to this place? I seriously can’t find it! There is just too much going on visually that I can’t even comprehend an entrance into the place! Wait, wait, I see some purple rectangle… I think that could be a door, but it could be just a heavily decorated piece wood with diamond shaped windows just added here for the mise en scene or some shit.
Only one way to find out. Knocking.
Okay, Woundsalt. We didn’t get much of a good reception on your first door knock, but this time there isn’t a squirrel with a phobia of woodpeckers on the other side. Prove it to yourself that you can do this. Deep breaths.
*Knock…*
The purple rectangle moves open.
…
Oh right, it’s a shop. Doors in shops are usually unlocked and easily operable for the public.
Fuck!
I open the incredibly fancy door into the incredibly fancy boutique to ring the incredibly fancy bell that tells the incredibly fancy unicorn, who was giving an incredibly fancy letter to an incredibly fancy swan, that something not incredibly fancy has arrived.
“Ah, Woundsalt. Darling!” Rarity says. “Do you mind keeping the door open? Odette here is just leaving.”
I stand aside as the swan walks outside, turns around to bow at a waving Rarity, spreads its wings and makes a beeline for Canterlot.
“Such a fantastic creature…” The unicorn sighs as the bird flies away. “Anyway darling, is everything alright? I thought Apple Jack would be accompanying you on the way here.”
“She’s… on a bit of a self-discovery mission right now…”
“Her too? My word, first Rainbow Dash and now dear Apple Jack. Whoever next? I don’t think Pinkie Pie gave any attention to-”
“Well, AJ’s not in the same way as Rainbow Dash.”
“Oh? So what is she exploring?”
“Well…”
Should I tell her that right now as we speak her friend is on a drug-induced journey to discover she’s a stallion stuck in a mare’s body?
… Nah. That sounds like a red flag to me. Plus, I don’t want to freak her out. It’s kind of bad enough I had to witness some Diva freakouts during my time at The Canterlot Horn. Hoo boy! Let me tell you, Hell hath no fury than a Neighponese artist getting accused of getting her success from her dead husband. That being said though, Peace Lover is a magnificent mare who didn’t need that abuse from Printed Mint.
“… You know what? I hate to clam up about it, but I’ll leave it to her to say. It’s pretty life changing.”
“Ah, yes of course. How gentlemanly of you, Mister Salt.” Rarity smiles. “Now darling, I know you can’t really control the condition, but my sister and her friends are upstairs. I know it’s a promise you aren’t likely to keep, but please try and censor yourself, okay?”
I nod and close the door behind me. “Got it. I’ll try to keep the CMC in order.”
“Are you guys talking about us down there?” I hear echoing from the stairs.
“No, Sweetie Belle! You girls go back to whatever you three are doing up there!”
“Okay! Okay girls. Let’s put on those headphones!”
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Coltrean Pop enthusiasts! Yay!” I hear two other fillies shout from inside some room up above us.
Heh. What kind of name is Cutie Mark Crusaders?
…
Cutie Mark Crusaders…
…
“Sure, this Cutie Ma- I mean, Confused Magic Condition might not be a decent dinner conversation…”
…
Confused Magic Condition…
…
“What, you mean you didn't quote literature before you knew about the Crus- I mean, the condition?”
…
CMC…
…
“Yeah, w-we’d better give you the full name. Just in case we c-confuse it with a-anything else.”
…
“OH FOR THE LOVE OF MOTHER FU-”
“I’m sorry.”
“Oh no darling, it’s fine! They already had their headsets in listening to that Psychic Blast single, so they didn’t hear anything! If anything, I should be the one apologizing. I thought someone already filled you in on the coincidence by now.”
I smile knowing my surge hasn’t poisoned some youths’ mind… In Ponyville. What I made my younger ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ at Saint Diamond Heart’s learn I shall never know.
“So anyway, let’s get started preparing you for your date.” Rarity says as she takes her last hoof from the steps. “Starting with your Neightalian dilemma…”
“Oh! Um… [I’m afraid that’s not much of a dilemma anymore.]”
She froze. “Was that… I thought you said you didn’t know any!”
“I didn’t. But AJ called round Zecora, she told me to lick some powder and after one hallucinogenic trip later, I became a walking talking translator guide.”
“… So you can control your magic now that you’ve taken Onderlandwah?”
“Well, not exactly control. The surges still happen, as you seen bef-” Hang on. Did she just…? “And how do you know about Onderlandwah, miss Rarity?”
She nervously giggles and looks to her right for a few seconds before shooting me a serious look.
“This stays in the boutique.”
I nod in fright as her horn glows to open a drawer from one of the many cabinets to quickly lift up a similar bag to the one Zecora gave to me, only to drop it back into the drawer and close it again.
“I only took it once, and it was just after Twilight’s Ascension.” She says in a very unhappy tone. “I was stuck on a design for a wedding dress for the entire month, so when I told Zecora about it, she gave me some to get rid of the Artist’s Block. Quite a journey. How was yours?”
“Nothing much. Just a white void with a few objects that reflected my past.”
“Pity.” She says looking upstairs, with a look that tells me that she clearly didn’t tell her sister yet, nor plan to. “Anyway, I found the design, made the dress and sent it to the bride-to-be in Cumreign. The big day’s today. I bought the bag off Zecora, in case of there being more times I’m stuck.”
…
“Okay.”
She looks at me.
“Okay? That's all?”
“Well, according to Zecora the powder’s not addictive. And from one artist to another, Miss Rarity, I know of many a pony in our field that used more dangerous stuff for inspiration. Satchel Mouth, Grungy Spirit, Bat Bite, Pearl Earing…”
Ack! Again with the hugging!
“Oh, Woundsalt! Thank you! It feels good to get it off my chest!” She, seeing that I'm grinding my teeth at the moment, lets go. “Maybe I can talk to my friends about it after all!”
Wow, how come I feel like these girls are learning from me, besides from the vice versa like I am supposed to be doing?
“No problem. Can we go back on topic?”
“Oh yes! But of course!” She leaps in front of an obscenely purple curtain “Now, about your suit…”
She flings open the curtains with a flash of her horn. What was behind the curtain was an army of mannequins of roughly my shape and size, sporting multiple pieces of clothing and accessories of many different colours.
The unicorns smiles slyly.
“You don’t mind if we mix and match, do you?”
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I enjoy the fact that the ponies are using "powder" for inspiration.
4824461 Well, they sure as hell ain't getting green and purple dragons. This ain't a Spike Clopfic!
Now I really want to see Pinkie using that stuff.
4825172
I don't.
I don't think she could survive that.
4825464
4825172
One lick and the corner would need to be cleaned for weeks. And the babies would need counselling.
I got something else installed for her, though, don't you worry.
This chapter made me laugh more than it should have.
I don't know why but i feel like its going to be a greaaaat daaaaay!
4831776 Glad to be a part of it.
4825699 Oh see NOW I'm excited
4927268 Yea
no I'm pretty sure there's something wrong in those last few sets 
something
Only caught two references. One was already in the previous chapter, and the other was
. The Swann Princess. The original was good, the sequel was okay, and the threequel sucked.
4947593
The whats now?
Wait, there were references? Oops.
now i want to play cards for equinity thanks... and i got the last reference.Doctor Who really best story ive read
...Is this a reference to John Lennon and Yoko Ono?
Because you're street smart.
THE VOW I MADE WAS FOR HEEEEEEEEER!
God, I hated that when I first watched it, but my sister loved it. I made her watch the black caldron and Rupert, she made me watch the swan princess. Once I started cheering for bad guys, though, it became so much easier to tolerate.
Well cocaine is a hell of a drug
Why can't I hold all these references?