One Step Forward, Dubsteps back
I put the only thing I’m completely glad I got for free onto Twilight’s desk, placing a tea cup of water at the beak impact zone. I push the head down to the cup and then…
Release.
...
Beautiful. Just… Beautiful. Look at the little guy go. Just bobbing away without a care in the world. I said it before in my Onderlandwah trip, and I will say it again. My incredibly small dream is done and I feel wonderful. I have put a plastic bird on a desk and have it pretend to drink water from a teacup. Thank you Betty, you magnificent shapeshifting wonder-bug.
I look at Page, who is staring at me with a hint of curiosity. “What?” I dare ask with a smile.
“Nothing. It’s just that I… I never saw you so happy before.” Page says, now smiling along with me. “The closest thing I can even think of you being this happy is the first time you rubbed your interview with Satchel Mouth in my face and this blows that out of the water. Did… did she confirm it or something?”
I blink for a moment. “Confirm what?”
“That you and her are related!” He prods at my shoulder. “Don’t tell me you didn’t have that conversation with her?”
Oh shit, I forgot to tell him! Yeah, I should fill him in.
“I did. We’re not. Turns out she’s just a changeling who ran away from her hive.” I say casually. Probably a bit too casual, considering the subject.I don’t think Page would make a big deal about…
“SHE'S A WHAT?”
Wow, I’m a terrible judge of character.
“Relax, man! She’s not doing any harm! She just wants asylum from Queen Chrysalis!”
He was about to yell out a rebuttal, but then something possessed him to think about what I said. “Asylum? You mean… she pissed her off in some way?”
“Probably.” I assure him. “Bet thought the Canterlot Wedding attack was wrong, so she scarpered before the attack.”
“You mean… they have morals?” He asks. He sounds like a prick by saying that out loud, I know, but I can’t hold it against him. I can’t pretend I thought the same when she told me her story.
“Yeah. Turns out that ‘Hive-mind’ we all thought they had is a myth, I guess.”
He looks toward Mister Bobby-bird the Second, as he ponders.
“Hang on. If that were the case,” He eventually says. Something tells me he's not convinced. “Then why did her brethren think that it's wrong? I was there at that wedding, Wound. Those changelings were more and willing to fuck shit up.”
“I’m guessing because the queen wanted to.” I reply. “Bet does make it sound like she rules with an iron hoof.”
The unicorn freezes for a second.
“… Holy crap. That... that must be it.” He nods in epiphany as we continue looking at the bird. “Being forced to do nothing but obey for so long that you will eventually believe that it’s all you can do.”
“Horrible.” I groan. “And if you wanted to get the fuck out of that life, the reputation of it stops you from being yourself.”
"Fuck that sounds familiar." Page mumbles. He probably thought I didn’t hear him, but I did.
We stay silent for a while.
“Say, Woundsalt?” Page eventually pipes up. “Do you know where I can find some powder called Onderlandwah?”
I turn to him. Now why would he want to know about…? Actually, I feel like I already know the answer to the question I was about to ask. “You want to take some for a bit of self-discovery, don’t you?”
“Yeah.” He nods. “I had an appointment with a zebra today to have some, but… Well, due to recent events I think it’s safe to say I missed that appointment.”
I tried to refrain from chortling, to little success. I guess it has been quite a morning for him. “Come on.” I say as I walk away from my brand new knick-knack. “I got some upstairs.”
“Why do you think I should be in the bed when I take this?”
“Oh, trust me. This stuff knocks mother buckers out cold. Something tells me you don't want to be lifeless on the floor again, anyway.”
…
“Thanks.”
I put an estimated amount of the powder in his hoof. I think this is roughly the amount Zecora gave me.
“Okay,” I say. “Any questions before you go have the ride of your lifetime?”
Page nods as he looks at the powder, and then to me.
“How long will I be out?” He asks.
“Uh… I don’t know.” I unenthusiastically whimper. “I only taken this shit once, and I didn’t really keep a check on time.”
The look on his face makes me believe that he is not confident in me playing witch doctor. I better take the edge off by asking him shit.
“So… uh… anything specific you’re looking for inside yourself?”
“Y… yeah.” He coughs a little. “It’s a little hard for me to put in words.”
I got a feeling this is about a certain filly named Croissant and her note that dropped out of his wallet when I picked it up. Maybe if I twist his front leg a bit. “Let me guess. A filly?”
He giggles. “You found Croissant’s note in my wallet and jumped to a conclusion, didn’t you?”
Crap, he saw through me. “Hey, it fell out, alright?” I confess. “Don’t fucking sass to me when your nine-year-old wallet can’t hold sh... jumped to a conclusion? Meaning I got it wrong in some way?”
He puts his hoof to his mouth. He knew he messed up and regretting it.
“Alright, fine.” He eventually grumbles. “This is about her. She’s a…”
…
She’s a what?
She’s a what?
Shit, that hoof he put on his mouth… that wasn’t the one with the powder on it, was it? That would explain why he hasn’t finished the sentence and has his head droop onto the pillow like it was magnetised to it.
…
Fine then. Go fuck yourself, Page.
… I hope you find what you’re looking for.
I close the door behind me with a light thud and a heavy sigh. It’s getting close to the afternoon, now… almost time for the Re-Cute Mitzvah of the century. Why do I have a feeling I’m not going to like it? Well, besides from the fact that I’m a cynical asshole? I bet it’s because of Pinkie Pie. She has proven to me that she is very eccentric. I don’t like eccentric ponies. They scare me. It's like they are one hair straightener away from turning me into baked goods and wearing my skin like it's a hoodie... Something tells me that I just referenced something my magic has read that I didn't again. Whatever the buck it was, I do not want to know.
I hear the door below open up. Time for me to face the music.
…
Huh.
Looks like I’m facing a different kind of music.
It’s Vinyl.
“Hey.” She cheerfully smirks. “Thought I’d come and talk to you before the party.”
I smile. She definitely seems happier than when I saw her last.
“Hey… Look, about last night…” I start.
“Nah, nah. No need to apologize. It’s cool.” She assures me. “Just caught me by surprise, that’s all. About that though, if you're okay in answering… Do you know how she died? I got the full story from Dad, and… well, I feel like you don't have the full story and should.”
“I didn’t… at first.” I better explain my dreams to her. “I dreamt up your dad’s letter last night. It’s what they do; find a bit of information in the world that has been written down and show it to me. Out of all the words my magic knows the definition of, privacy apparently isn’t one of them.”
“Heh.” She chuckles. “Well, it saves me telling you, I guess… Shit, dad mentioned the trombone didn't he?”
“He did. No need to fill me in, there. I know about that too.” Oh sweet mother of Cadence, I wish I didn’t. “Dreamt up Saint Diamond Heart’s confession the night before.”
“Ah… yeah…” She whines with clenched teeth. “Any prophetical dream of yours not about my family?”
I couldn’t help but smirk. “Well, I dreamt the Chariotora Document Luna released yesterday. And that’s the only three I ever had so far.” You know, this talk of dreams is tickling my curiosity of Rain Coat’s dreams. “What about your aunt? What were her dreams like?”
“To be honest? They’re really weird.” She says, with a hoof to the back of her head. “She keeps having the same one every night where this pony in a suit stands in front of a map of Equestria with a plastic-like smile on his face as a bunch of symbols appear on the map as he says how the weather is the next day... wait, you only had three dreams so far? Why's that?”
“My magic kept most of the symptoms on the down low because he was worried if anypony found out I had CMC, I'd be off to a lab. My psychiatrist seems to have had connections to the some folks your grandpa knew.” I say as she nods in understanding. I got to keep asking about Rain. “So... the same dream every night, huh? Same pony just standing in front of a map talking about the weather for all of her life?”
“Yeah. Fucking torture, right? The more I think about it, it's no wonder she went nuts, you know?” Vinyl sighs. “And good luck talking to somepony about it; especially in Darwhinny. The place is almost a bucking ghost town.”
“So why did she go there?” I ask. “To hide from the ponies who would’ve put her in a lab?”
“M…Maybe…?” She says removing her shades to wipe one of her eyes. Something tells me she’s about to cry on me again. “I’m… I’m sorry man, I know you want to know as much as you can about her but can we change the topic, please? I thought I can handle it, but...”
"Okay, Vinyl. I got you. I got you." I say as I... hug her. I didn't even think about it, my front legs just went up and did it. It's... alright, I guess. I got no complaints on this hug. It's not like the two with Octavia but... hey, it's not like this hug is for me.
...
"Wound, as much as I know you're trying to cheer me up here, can you..?" She says wiggling. So it isn't just me.
"Okay. " I whisper as I let go and think of a new topic. It's not like I have a range of topics to ask her about now, anyway. Let's go with the one not involving threesomes. “So, what’s the plan for this rap thing tonight? I guess I should write a few things down.”
“If… if you want. You don’t particularly have much of a competition on your hooves, though.” Vinyl sniffles as she fixes herself up a little. “As much as she tries to talk a big game, Hater D’s not exactly what you call a wordy individual. She’s still pretty new to rapping according to all that I can dig up about her. Really the problem is her Diamond Dog DJ, Grandmaster Flint. His jams pretty much carried those two to the finals. You can leave him too me, though. I’ll just keep it at an easy tempo for you to rhyme on.”
“Alright, if you say so.” I grumble happily. “Just a heads up, though. I’ve never been on stage before, let alone rapped on one.”
“Dude, don’t sell yourself short. We’ll be fine.” She giggles. “If you can make poetry, then you can easily rap. Besides… I managed to eavesdrop a conversation between D and Flint. She’s under the impression that you’re a False Salt and already written down some jabs of you being a fake. Just imagine the look on her face when she discovers that it’s really you?”
“…Okay, I am imagining it. It is glorious. One issue though. How does she not know it was me?” I ask. “Doesn’t me verbally ripping her into shreds last night prove who the fuck I am?”
“You’d think so, right?” She says, giggling louder. “But since you were wearing your pants she doesn't believe you. You even gave her your bucking name and she... she...”
We couldn’t hold in the laughter. We just couldn't. Fucking A, what a stupid griffon! I told her who I was and she stills think I'm a fake and is going to get all kinds of embarrassed at this thing!
Our muzzles touched.
…
Well, we might as well ask about that elephant in the room.
“Hey… look, I asked Octavia about a rumour I heard about…”
“Yeah, she told me you heard it.” She nods. “she also admitted to messing with you a little. Kinda unfair, but hey. All part of the game.”
I blink for a few seconds. “Game?”
“Yeah… look, we heard that rumour a while back.” Vinyl explains. “we tried fighting it, but rumours about how ponies get their freak on in the Renter Strip is hard to go away. I mean, don't get me wrong; the Renter Strip is a good spot to if you're open about yourself and that's awesome, but when a rumour comes out about you being a certain pony who likes to have it in a certain way, good bucking luck getting rid of it. Celestia knows we tried, Wound. Eventually we thought ‘buck it, let’s make a game out of it.’ One of us dates a colt for about three dates, then we say what is or isn’t going on and judge his reaction. If he’s keeps his cool whoever was dating him has free drinks at the SorriNa on the other’s tab. If he reacts to the reveal badly…”
“Then vice versa?”
“Bingo!” She says, putting her hoof on my nose. So the cellist was just fucking with me to judge my character… unless the rumour is actually true, then she was only semi-fucking with me. I have to wait until the third date to find out the truth. Alright, I can get behind this. Gives me time to know her… or them.
“Well, thanks for filling me in. Or at least, half-filling me in.” I say as I get myself up from the ground. “So… what now?”
“Well, for one thing…” Vinyl Scratch smirks. It’s not one of her best, but damn it’s up there. “I think the pony behind you is going to take us to a party.”
“Huh? What pony be-”
“SURPRISE!”
“GAH! PINKIE FOR FUCK’S…”
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WHAT HAVE WE DOOOOOOOOONE!?
Wait... what time zone are you in? Its noon on the 31st here.
5805982 It's 4:00 AM. April 1st here. Couldn't sleep, so I decided to pop it up early.
I just saw the description and title change, and I can't stop smiling. Poor Page is getting screwed this time.
and a Drinky-Poo our god shall get!
all praise our lord and saviour Mister Bobby-Bird the Second!
5805985
5805982
You are one day early
5806024 I'm in Australia. You guys are going to be one day late.
5806030
and a dollar short?
And lo behold, Page discovers that he is secretly female. He does not like it. When trying to prove that he is male by doing a macho thing, he steps into poison joke thus spawning a sidefiction.
Took me like a minute. I was all like "What the fuck is this story?".
5806038 Well, time is money.
media2.giphy.com/media/CWNCWPvLMJI1q/200.gif
It has been psychologically proven that a male is straight if he enjoys watching two sexy females make out.
My psychiatrist says this is because a man likes the idea of being able to join in.
5806050
Yet money is the root of all evil.
gifs.gifbin.com/012012/1326737497_panda_basketball_head_shot.gif
Your one day early for me and you got me real good...
My reaction was just "Why the hell do i have such a thing in my favourite box?"
Small investigation later and i was laughing at it.
5806055 WAIT! NOW I AM TALKING:
Straight OR bisexual, because in both cases he would like said idea.
5806043
That is an excellent question! I just let my brain become oatmeal when reading it. It's glorious.
5806069 But isn't evil just a perceived negative state in human nature?
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
I was wondering what this was, until I saw the word salt in it. Then I realize what this story was.
when i saw this name i was like WTF!!
5806251
5806244
Yeah. Happy April fools day.
5806274 Good one,good one.You got me.
If this chapter is still here in a day or two, I might read it then.
I take my comedies seriously.
When I saw all those letters in italics I knew there was a code in the description. You fooled me good with the title, man! Happy April Fools to you too!
Great chapter.
When the update came I was like, I don't remember this shit... Then I started reading, and boy was I happy for an update.
Also, damn it Pinkie. You get to hear exactly what WS has to say about you randomly popping up.
Also, it's not even the first of April where I'm at. 2 hours and 20 min left for me.
5806117 But if you're a guy, that means you're straight.
5806422
Yeah I was like that add well
5806422 I was like "What the flying fuck?"
I have 5 hours and 39 min to April fools
Doesn't count to me. Different time zone, f'ers
Uh the hell? When did I favorite this? Time to start reading....
5806843 It's an April Fools joke, I think.
5806892 huh. Weird joke then.
ha! still on the 31st. doesn't count! but you did confuse me with the title change
5806274
Nice April Fool's prank, dude. Almost thought my account got hacked, but thankfully it wasn't...obviously.
BTW, please change the title back.
5806274
Also:
I just realized that the name of this is "Wonderland" with the "wah" sound taken from the front and tagged on the end.
I didn't even see the update, I logged on and saw this on the featured box and promptly busted a gut. When I logged on later though it was off the feature no. So congrats on being featured for all of twenty minutes.
think you just needed "want" here
than willing
"I've"
"could" not "can"
"was"
could either put "is hard to make go away" or reword to "is hard to hide away"
The change in name threw me off a bit but after reading the chapter titles I remembered what it was. Looking forward to how he reacts to the party.
I'll break down my thought process for you:
initial reaction:
"what is this?"
followed by:
"why is it showing that I've read 14 chapters in a story I've never read?"
quickly followed by:
"Was I hacked?"
and then it hit me.... April 1st. Good one...
Yesterday:
Today:
I guess some people did not get a joke.
...
I can't even-
...
What?
5809097 sure as hell confused me, I didn't even remember liking a story by that title
5809097
5809600
Yeah, I didn't calculate on backlash like this at all. Ah well, If they are dumb enough to gather the fact that today of all days is the day that pranks happen then they are dumb enough to stumble back into it next chapter and fall for it next year.
5806288 Nah, it's fine dude. Only the description is part of the joke.
5809113 Yeah, I gave my story a little re-decorating for April Fools Day. I'll be putting it back to normal on the 3rd
Hey! That bird there on the cover! That looks familiar for some reason. I wonder why?
5814433
Ey! Mi Hermano!
5813010 Why indeed!
“Then why did her brethren wanted to do it, then?
Something seems just a little off about that...
5869523 Hmm... let's see if I can fix that up a bit more...
*Clickety Clack*
Better?