Salty Towers
“So yeah, I got these contact lenses that makes my eye colour red.” Bet speaks as she puts a key into a ticket counting machine. “They hurt a little, but you know. Details are important when it comes to False Salting.”
“I guess as much.” I smile. “How much detail do you have to put in though? Like, do they forgive you for not painting over your cutie-mark?”
“It depends, really.” She says as she opens up the box. “If you’re making it clear you’re out for fun and shit they’ll forgive you for wearing something over it like a pair of pants or something, but if some stallion is claiming to be you or somepony’s on a paid for date, they better make sure they got the quill’s on the right angle; a few degrees off and they’ll look at you like you just puréed a kitten.”
We both snicker as she takes the tickets out. I look over to Page, as he puts a few bits into a racing game for him and a brown-coated colt in a propeller hat to face each other in another derby. The kid’s up 2-0 already.
I know I should get started talking about family matters right now, but I got to say I’m glad she requested to just talk to me a bit to calm her nerves down. It’s calming me down a bit too, admittedly. I know I came to her all cool and shit but deep down I was nervous as a cockatrice next to a mirror. I do need to know what goes on in the mind of a pony who wants look like me, anyway. Especially, as it turns out, Salty Bet here is actually in one of those look-a-like dating services.
“So, why are you even in one of those dating services, anyway?” I had to ask.
“Honestly? It’s the cushiest job in the world.” The filly declares. “Go to a place with the contact lenses, call the client a douche a few times, have dinner which the client pays for, see a movie where the client pays for the ticket, then do a little apology about calling them a douche, give them a little kiss and bam! Not hungry for the rest of the week!”
“That’s it?” I question. “I was expecting something a little more sinister than that. Like, it turns out to be glorified prostitution or some shit.”
She giggles awkwardly for a moment. “Well… I’m not going to lie; some Saltettes take it to the bedroom. Someponies want to live their fan-fiction fantasies, unfortunately.”
I wince. Just had to say it, didn’t I? Just had to open my bucking mouth.
“Not you, I’m guessing?” I ask, praying that she shakes her head.
She does shake her head. Thank Cadence! My possible family member is not a prostitute. No… wait, the look on her face…she’s thinking about something. Something’s up.
“You see that machine over there?” she eventually asks, pointing a hoof to a direction.
I look over where she points to find, without a doubt, the newest machine in the place. It’s sleek design of a giant robot face engraved onto the giant box of metal to ensure whatever a pony does inside of it is serious business. Its sleek stainless steel chassis opens up revealing the bearded unicorn with a look of euphoria planted on her face. He walks out and hugs the machine, rubbing it with his left hoof and slobbering on the thing.
“Hey!” Salty shouts. “No drooling on the mech simulator!”
This made Lava Beard jerk his head up and walk away with a dizzy state. Bliss must be in this machine.
“Got it from the owner’s son from the company in charge of sending these things from Neighpon to Equestria. That’s the only one that’s here so far.” She smiles. “I let slip to Jitterbug I ran an arcade, he decided to give me that as payment. The agency I work for genuinely believe I should give him at least a night for something this expensive and… Well, he is a cutie and I do like the guy…”
Ah. I seem to have caught her in a dilemma. I think she wants some advice. She doesn’t know she’s asking advice from the stallion who only had his first actual date yesterday, does she? Ah well, I should at least put in my thought.
“Well, if you like the guy you should drop the act and tell him that you do.” I utter, shrugging. “Anything that happens after that, it’s all down with what you two want.”
She looks at the machine as she ponders.
“You know what? Yeah… I’ll tell him. I mean, it shouldn’t be weird, right? Even if…”
She turns silent as she rolls the ticket back to the counter.
“Mister Wound… I know you’re here for answers about your family. And It's an honour that you came in here.” She says as she opens the door to get it. “But… I’m sorry, there are no answers here.”
Before I ask what the fuck she’s on about, she looks into my eyes with her wonderful gr…
Green.
Green? They were yellow before. Why are the gr… Oh!
Oh…
Oh…
… Fuck.
“You’re a changeling?” I whisper in amazement.
She nods as the eyes return to the yellow she had before. I can’t believe it. All of this suspense, all of this emotion… for a bucking changeling. I can’t bucking believe it… No wait… Yes I can. Now that I think about it, it would be a little too easy, wouldn’t it? Having an answer to at least one of my problems plastered on the front of an arcade? No… that’ll be just handing it to me on a silver platter! And that would be the only handing the universe gave me on a silver platter I would actually be happy about!
…
This is because I foretold the plot twist, isn’t it?
Well fuck you too, Fate. Next time, give me a good curveball to knock out of the park.
“So… I guess those contacts don’t exist then.” I say with as little disdain in my voice as I can muster. In the bug’s defence, her only crime so far is having a similar and I’m willing to guess false name and the ability to change her body on a whim.
“No.” She groans in sympathy. “Look, I know I lied, but I’m supposed to have a cover, here, Mister Salt. I don’t really want everypony to know who I really am. The Canterlot Wedding Attack hasn’t really made being a changeling popular in pony towns, even though I didn’t have any part of it.”
She looks around in disgust of herself. I’m guessing it’s a little embarrassing to reveal you’re a changeling. I have a few questions, though. Like how she just said she had no involvement with that changeling attack; the only day I was happy to live Westside. None of those motherfuckers got near the orphanage that day. Can’t say I blame them.
“You weren’t in the attack? Why? Are you exiled or some shit?”
“No, I ran away.” She coughs. Clearly talking about this is making her feel awkward. Shit, it’s making me feel awkward hearing it. “I caught wind of the assault and didn’t want any part of it. I mean, it was a little unethical, wasn’t it? That sort of invasion during what would be a time of peace?”
I nod. Wow, this is quite a moment I’m in… I keep hearing, especially after the attack, that changelings are all controlled by the same mind; a ‘Hive-mind’ as it were. What I’m also told is that Hive-mind is also a giant dick, which would explain why they did attack at the wedding. So, seeing this one actually say that she was against the grain, putting her morals in front of her colony, and deciding to leave that world behind her to come here… This is eye-opening stuff.
“So, I came here,” she continues. “We read common pony literature to blend into Equestrian society when we want to spy and such, so your work and its fanbase is well known about around the hive. In fact, I won’t be surprised if it turns out I’m not the only one using Saltette dating programs for some cash and something to… eat.”
“Not hungry for the rest of the week, huh?” I ask light-heartedly. I think it’s safe to say what she meant by ‘eat’. Devouring emotions out of hapless clients; you cheeky, little insect. Well, Fair enough, I guess. It is for her survival. It’s not like there’s a place around here that serves emotions on the cheap... Unless of course the McClownface Happy Meal actually contains happiness. Which they do not.
She giggles a little. “Yeah… And before you ask, no. I don’t leave them in zombie-like states like what the Queen did to Prince Shining. Just enough to make them feel queasy in the morning and think they hit the wine a bit too hard, that’s all. They’d be fine by lunch, give or take body weight.”
I nod in hearing this. Time for me to ask another question. “So, why a name like Salty Bet? Isn’t that just asking me and other ponies to go and investigate some relation? I mean, you know of me, right? You know I’m an orphan…”
“Not at the time.” She blushingly says. “At the time, I only thought it was a little cute to name myself after the poet that talks about a world without a royal ruler as I walk away from a world with a royal ruler. I didn’t really consider the consequence of sharing the name until somepony did eventually ask about it. I told him that I just didn’t know whether or not there was a relation and bring up some bullshit that I’m worried about finding out because it could pull out some skeletons in the closet If I did.”
…
“You were planning to feed me that same bullshit when I went in here, weren’t you?”
She looks away, cheekily smiling.
“Yep… sorry.” She puts her hoof in mine. “But I sort of see now that you're excited about getting somewhere with your search and… well, no point letting you walk down a dead-end path on something this important, right?”
I guess that’s true. I got enough cock-teasing in my life as is, in my opinion.
“Well… Miss…?”
“Peon No. 241543903… Yeah, I prefer to be called Salty Bet, nowadays. Or Betty.”
Betty it is.
“Miss Betty, I thank you for being honest with me.” I say with a smile this creature deserves. “You may not answer my family matters, but I’m happy you ex… Oh sweet Celestia… Say, how much for that?”
I point my hoof in the direction to the object I want her to see. An object high above the back wall. I have a feeling that it must be worth a lot of tickets; and by Star Swirl the Bearded’s pubic hair, I will pay and play at any or all these machines to get it!
…
“You know what?” Salty Bet says looking at the object. “I don’t want to see you heading out of here empty-hooved…”
“…You can have it.”
Page looks toward me as he walks around the store. I’m willing to guess his adversary on the Daypona machine went on home or to a worthier foe.
“So? How did it…?” He stops because he sees what I have in my hooves. “What in the name of Tartarus is that?”
He asks the question as he looks towards the gift of the changeling. I don’t know what happened to my old one, but since I’m in this town making a new life…
…I’m starting it with a bird that dips its head repeatedly.
“His name is Mister Bobby-bird the Second.” I told Page Presser, probably with the biggest, shit-eating grin I had in my life. “And he wants a drinky-poo.”
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*snort*
What?
5689172 You... you want to elaborate on that a little?
5689174
Sorry.
Aaaw! Betty seems so nice! I wouldn't mind seeing more of her in the future. Maybe be Wound's new friend or something? He at least seemed to understand and get along with her.
So you literally teased us for an entire update, to then just say nope. You are secretly an ass hole bent on torturing your readers aren't you?
The Equestrian dream.
Few manage to achieve it.
For some, the Equestrian dream is to live a profitable life of Harmony and Friendship. Others want more out of life; love, knowledge, magic, or happiness. Truly, the Equestrian dream is something ethereal, varying from pony to pony, something always distant, something we all strive for. To strive for this dream is momentous task, and many abandon the quest for the Equestrian dream, sapped of hope, devoid of drive. But for the few that manage to reach for that dream, and grasp it fully to the tips of their hooves...they are an inspiration to us all.
Today, Woundsalt has reached the Equestrian dream. Today, he has finally gotten a Bobby Bird of his own.
Show of hands, who had their suspicions from that line about not being hungry? Be honest now...
5689214
Secretly?
*pulls out ball-gag, swinging it joyfully*
5689239 I stand corrected.
just yes
This is the best shit.
420/10 I dropped my Doritos everywhere.
Awesome plot twist.
random shouting GOI HAVE THE SHINIEST MEAT BICYCLE
5689501
Hi Krieg! I haven't seen you since my PS3 broke.
5689501
YOU ARE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN!
5689239
This chapter gets all my yes! I seriously don't know how you can take almost every FIMfic cliche, the turn it upside down and spin it on its head, to the point that doesn't even seem cliche anymore, it's just plain awesome/ Comedy Gold.
5689571 HELLO
5689786 YES
It's the little things in life that make it worth living. I probably sound so zen that I piss Salty Boy off just by standing here with a zen look, nodding approvingly at his bird.
5689501 Kicks slightly less shiny meat bicycle in shame.
5689850
IS THIS THE BLOOD ORGY I WAS PROMISED?!
5689870 What can I say...
LET'S DIP OUR HEADS IN TACT WITH Mister Bobby-bird the Second!
Mister Bobby-Bird the second wants his drinky-poo. Mister Bobby-Bird the second wants to drinky-poo your blood
YOU WILL FEAR MISTER BOBBY-BIRD THE SECOND, ESPECIALLY AS YOU ARE FORCED TO SAY HIS NAME IN ENTIRETY EVERY TIME YOU WISH TO SPEAK ABOUT MISTER BOBBY-BIRD THE SECOND OR HIS DRINKY-POO
Can we start a cult surrounding this bird? Please?
My lawyer and I have a saying about dead-ends. If it's a wall, either climb it or blow it up. If it's the end of the road, get off the carriage and run. If it's the end of a tunnel and there's a fire-breathing-draconic-beasty hot on your tail? That, is when you pull out the cheat-cards and 'port out of there.
Also, f!$^! FATE! WOO! Love this development! Work that Story Salt!
5689237 Fun Fact? There was a time in creation of this chapter that I still thought of letting Betty actually continue the lie and actually be a spy for Chrysalis. Another part of the lie she would've told Woundsalt was that after the last time her 'mom' visited Canterlot, she wasn't happy. Hint, hint.
HE LIVES.
THE BIRD OF FATE, HE WHO HOLDS ALL OF REALITY IN HIS BEAK, THE LORD OF THE TWELFTH PLANE OF TORMENT...
Wants a drinky-poo.
He's related to Vinyl. Calling it now.
Her aunt is the only other known being with CMC, she's a white mare who dyes her mane, she stands out from the rest of ponykind...
You're trying and failing to hide it, or intentionally showing us and not letting him figure it out, and I love it.
That or this is another twist.
5690090 BOBBY BIRD! BOBBY BIRD! BOBBY BIRD!
The most simple things can bring the most happiness. Enjoy that drinky-poo.
stream1.gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs3/1158198_o.gif
5691376 bet he uses booze instead of water for it
5691437 I'd be more surprised if he actually used water for it.
5691444 you know I don't know where this came from but imagine of during one of his outbursts he accidentally gave it sentience.
5690138
5690090
5689870
5689226
...
Something tells me we found the Helix Fossil of MLP Fanfiction
5691559 Now isn't the time to use that!
5689942 *PULLS OUT CHAIN AXE*YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I... this is priceless!
Goddamn. Another great chapter. Well done.
5691559 Mr. BOBBY BIRD SHOULD RISE AND EVOLVE AS THE SPIRIT BIRD OF WOUNDSALT MOTHERBUCKERS!
For some reason I now want to record the dippy bird that I have then replay it in fast forward to dubstep. Is that normal?
....
Perfectly.
5689501 Whatever you do, do not scream the word poop at the top of your lungs!
5695211PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5695408
*sigh*
5695861 SORRY I JUST HAD AN ENERGY DRINK, AND I'M A SHARK
Here's my honest question, why would Discord betray the elements when he has the largest chaos magnet in the world just one short trip into ponyville. Good job with the characterization of Wound Salt
5696017 A shark?! Oh teh noes! Jaw kidding me right? Sea what I did there?
5696725 Something smells fishy about this situation. Gill someone take a sniff of it to confirm that?
...
Will the puns ever fin-ish?
5696725 all the blue bull
5697601 Yeah... I got to fix the previous chapters.
5696754 these puns could go on a whale longer. But I might just krill someone for this! If I wasn't a Pacific-ist that is.