“So... how much did he give ya?”
I embarrassingly whisper into the orange pony's ear the amount. Her jaw races towards the floor.
“Oh Sweet Celestia... that's a lot of bits.”
“Yeah! Obviously a lot of bits!”
Page got me to Sweet Apple Acres after a quick detour to the library to keep my copyright to my poems secure in a mattress. Only on the way from the library did he have the decency to tell me how much is on the card.
The number's big.
Really big.
Ludicrously big.
Oil Company big.
Apparently, although Printed Mint preferred to kill off The Canterlot Horn rather than to expand the magazine outside the city, he released The Boys From the Corner to the entire world in a heart beat. That's Rich Pony Logic for you. Rich Pony Logic that worked, however. Everypony ate it up, especially in counties which Equestrian isn't a first language which is very surprising. In it for the swears, I assume.
The Element of Honesty shakes her head in amazement. “Hoo-hoo-hoooooo Dawgy! Talk about a change of fortune! What the hay are you going to do with that kind of money?”
“I-I don't know. I don't even think I should even have this kind of money. I wrote proses against ponies with this kind of money! I've now got the bit-count similar to those bunch of pompous buck-wits who wouldn't know their tail-hole for their mouths!”
“Well, you ain't gonna turn into those ponies. You're smart enough to know where your mouth is.” She says with a smile that looks like it's about to say something witty.“You keep usin' it enough.”
I turn to look towards the trees. “Maybe you're right, AJ. It's just that... I feel like I sold my soul to the Hasbro unknowingly.”
“...Has-what now?”
“Hasbro. You know, the Tale of Faust? Selling her soul for wealth, fame, and power?”
Apple Jack seems curious. “Is this you right now or the magic?”
“... You know what? It could be the magic. I've been referencing a lot of things recently; I was quoting Star Crosser to Twilight's Owl late last night, wrote something about a detachable horn and it turns out there is a blueprint, then I said something about a monkey centaur to Fluttershy which I have NO idea where that's from; probably not important anyway... It's kind of scaring me how much of I'm saying I don't know of, actually.”
“What, you mean you didn't quote literature before you knew about the Crus- I mean, the condition?”
“Oh I have, it's just that before I thought it's just me being an intelligent bastard. Now that I know it's because I'm unintentionally pulling it out of my magical ass, I feel like my intelligence is a lie.”
Apple Jack giggles silently. Not a bad giggle. It's definitely better than Printed Page's.
“You seem like a smart fella to me, magic or no ma...” she pauses as if she has seen something behind me. “Oh, for the the love of... Pinkie's behind you and planning on surprising you again.”
I turn around quickly to see the pink pony armed with a balloon and a pin. “Awww, Applejack! Why'd you ruin it?”
“Because he's not here for surprisin'! He's here for some friends!” The orange Apple (...heh.) grunts as she turns to me. “Sorry Salt, it's just that since that outburst yesterday she got some idea into her head that you don't know how to... 'be surprised'... So she got her mind set on teachin' ya.”
“...Seriously?”
“Yeah. Don't worry, something will distract her from it eventually.”
Eventually? BUCK THAT. Try right now.
“Hey Pinks. I'm guessing you have your own special time for me, is that right?”
“Yep! Yep! Yepperoonie! Tomorrow Afternoon, you are all mine! I'm going to show you the Sugarcube Corner, the Cakes, the BABY Cakes! Ooooooh they are so-”
“Right okay. Well, you know what will be nice tomorrow afternoon?”
Her blue eyes stare at me blankly. “What?”
“A party.”
The blue eyes widen. “A party? Y-you want a party?”
“Well, I figure that a party is a good place to find friends. That is what I'm here for, right? Making friends?”
Wow, the look on the pink pony's face right now. It is as if I had shown her the universe. I turn to see Apple Jack as she gives me a look I can clearly read. It says, “You are one clever son of a bitch, and I love what your devious mind had created.”
I wish I could get that look more often.
“OH MY GOSH, YES! IT WOULD BE PERFECT! IT'LL HAVE YOU THERE AND SOME PONIES YOU MIGHT ALREADY KNOW THERE SOME PONIES YOU DON'T KNOW BUT CAN BE GREAT TO KNOW THERE AND wait...” Pinkie ponders. “What would the party be for? Birthday? Anniversary?”
“Um... It's for... It's for...” Shit, Pinkie's got me there... uh... AH I KNOW! PINK! “A Cute Mitzvah redo!”
Both ponies look at me like I said something stupid. Well, admittedly I did say something stupid, but it's stupidity I can explain.
“Beg ya pard'n?”
“Well, you know how it's a Cute-ceañera for fillies but a Cute Mitzvah for colts?”
“Of course, silly!” Pinkie squales as she pats my head. “I've organised both plenty of times!”
“Yeah, well, the person organising my Cute Mitzvah clearly didn't. Every decoration, every bit of food, even the Luna-damn cake, PINK for a Cute-ceañera! No offence, Pinkie Pie, but for a colt entering into stallionhood, there is one colour you don't want to see in the celebration of that and that colour is-”
“PINK!” Well, I wasn't opening the sentence for someone to finish, but at least Pinkie gets my point. “Oh my gosh, you are super duper right! That kind of Cute Mitzvah will just not do at all! I promise you, Woundy, tomorrow afternoon you will have the Cute Mitzvah with not a single pink thing to see! I'll even paint myself blue!”
“You'd do that to yourself for me?”
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”She states as she waves her hooves around to the... Interesting... ditty. “Ooh! I got to go and get the R.S.V.P. done A.S.A.P! T.T.F.N!”
Before I can reply she runs away... knocking a tree up into the air. The tree then falls back onto it's roots like nothing has happened to it at all.
“I hate it when she does that.” Apple Jack says as she shakes her head. “That Cute Mitzvah story; is it even true?”
“Oh yeah. In Dusty Brush's defence it would be very hard to tell the gender of somepony after you've lit up a 'green and purple dragon.' The only thing that was falsified is me caring about the colour.”
AJ looks at me. “So the fact that you're redoing your Cute Mitzvah is just to get Pinkie out of your mane?”
I smile. “Kind of... Now that I think about it, it would be pretty sweet. Since this is my new life, I figure ending my childhood as quick as possible will be not a bad idea.”
She laughs. “Dash is right. You are a funny guy. Ooh! Speaking of which... About that surge you had in town this mornin'...”
Oh Cadence.
“Now AJ, you know that it's completely out of my control. I take no respons-”
“Oh now, don't you worry yourself none! You didn't say anything wrong! Well, maybe a few more cuss words than there should be, but that's not what I need to talk to you about.”
I turn to the cowgirl. “So what do you want to talk about?”
“Well, Mister Salt, according to Rainbow you were quite a spokespony on sexual equality this morning.”
“Was I?”
“Yessiree! Telling her not to be afraid of what she is or will be no matter what the world thinks!”
“... I didn't offend her?”
Apple Jack shakes her head.
Huh. That's new. I figure I should call it a blessing; the first surge I had in Ponyville and the only complaint is that I should wash my mouth out with soap a little bit.
“Well anyways, if you believe in anything you were preaching, I'm hoping you can help me out in somethin'.”
“Sure, okay. Why not? What's the situation?”
“Well, there's this bar at the Renter side of town. The name ain't comin' to mind right now, but they've been contacting me recently wantin' to serve some of the Apple Family's cider.”
“What's stopping them?”
“Well, usually we take the cider to a company to sell, but that company's has a bit of a strong stance on couples that are a bit 'unusual'... their words, not mine. So they ain't selling unless one of the ponies who runs the place, who is... Well, let's say she's got the best of both fillies and colts, gets some corrective surgery. Preferably, to become all-filly.”
I wince like I had sculled a cart full of Emperor Divekick's sake. I don't know what irks me more, the fact I have a feeling that the bar in question is the SorriNa and the pony in question is Blue Curaçao's squeeze or the company not minding their own business on how she is.
Probably the latter. Fuck, I hate big business.
“So you want me to yell at these mother buckers until they submit, or...?”
“Oh trust me, I'll handle 'em.” The apple bucker said through closed teeth. “In fact, I'm gonna sell the cider to the bar directly from the barn. An' cheaper too, just to get Filthy Rich's pants in a bunch.”
I smile. I would prefer to hand it out for free, but hey. Any protest to stick it to the stallion is good enough for me.
“Your job, however... is explaining it to Granny Smith. She's a bit ol' fashioned, but I can't do somethin' like this without her go-ahead. I don't think I can tell 'er what's what, but I'm as sure as the the sun comes from the east you can. Will ya do it? Please?”
Oh my goddess, I'm going to give an old mare a heart attack.
“If you want me to, Apple Jack, I'll do it. Just make sure you shove a hoof in my mouth if I cross a line, okay?”
“You got it.”
As we reach the wooden shack which the Apples call home, I ready myself for a debate that will not be written in history. I ready myself for a debate that will not be told for generations to come. I ready myself for a debate...
...with some elderly lady for the right for a tranny who is in a relationship with my childhood bully to sell booze.
Something tells me this is going to be a slobber knocker.
...
I'm ready.
You're fine. As long as you don't post descriptive sex or something, the mods won't notice anything. Hell, they won't even check your story unless someone reports you, and as far as I can tell you've done everything you can to keep your story at a teen rating, what with you separating those chapters with Saltwound's mum and everything.
nah man you're pretty much perfect in the teen sense.Don't worry about it. This is a good story.
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Thanks fellas.
4677393 Well, not really tricked, more assumed incorrectly. You might want to re-read the end of the previous chapter.
When I first started writing, I was doing it without any swearing, and then came to a scene where there was a guy who'd grown up on the street, and was in a particularly painful point in his life after losing someone he'd loved, ranting at someone. I tried several times to write the scene without any swearing, but then decided that for logical character consistency, some swearing was necessary.
If profanity is needed for the story, fair enough, but if it's not needed, don't put it in, simple as that. No one in the show ever swears by the alicorns, so why do it in a fanfic?
4677558 Hmm, I swear I heard them say 'thank Celestia' or 'As Celestia as my witness' on the show... But hey, if those don't count, those don't count.
And the swearing, I believe, is vital to this fic. For Woundsalt and that guy on the street you wrote are pretty much the same, only that painful moment for your character's life is one moment. Woundsalt's painful moment is most of his life. Plagued by something he can't control and it is affecting how others see him, which in turn, how he sees others, and in turn again, how he sees himself. Thus, turning him into the bitter, swearing, unfortunate soul you see him now.
... Kind of makes you wonder where the comedy is, doesn't it?
At the risk of getting a Woundsalt rant, I need to ask a question. How's the next chapter doing?
4720819 Yeah... Doing well, considering it's taking a while.
I've decided to get another character into it because I know Wound would
loathelove to meet them. First time writing them too so.The Pineapple Rice project taking some of the time away from it too... and of course reality, that harsh mistress.
Don't worry, I'll focus myself onto this now.
It's kind of scaring me how much of I'm saying I don't now of, actually.| know of
I wish I can get that look more often. | I wish I could get that look more often.
As for the actual content, you are doing a nice job keeping it Teen by not including the entirety of the rant. As much as I would like to hear, or read rather, what he actually says, I can't fault you for wanting to stick to a certain demographic.
Ha, well done with the reference to the Faustian bargain. I bet most people didn't even know the name for that genre.
There goes the 4th wall. Again.
Dude... there's a fic out there of a futa rarity knowingly infecting a colt (not stallion, as in underage pony) with aids, or the pony equivelant there of. Why gray your follicles over being vulgar?
4677628 What are you talking about? Comedy is tragedy plus time, and he's had his whole life for the tragedy to finish changing into comedy. Most things people laugh at can be pretty messed up when you take the chance to look at it seriously. That's why so many comedians are so depressed. You go up on stage, in front of everyone you know and more than plenty that you don't and have them laugh at your pain.
The rest of this comment has bee redacted due to me going to far. I do not plan to ever bring it up ever again and intend to let the dead rest. He deserves more than that.
You beautiful bastard you bring up the tale of Faust (that my super religious aunt has never even heard of) and tie it into the story as the perfect potshot at hasbro.
I love you.
No homo
little homo
Wordsalt vs Granny Smith.
Forget Super Alicorn Twlight vs Majin Tirek, THIS is the battle of the century.
*Boom* Godsdamnit, there goes the fourth wall.
Why am I thinking the bartender ' s/o is a herm?
6498293 We are all.
~ Neon Lights
That was one of the best 4th breaks I've ever seen.
As Homer would put it
I love getting that look.
Ta ta for now, Pinkie.
Well good on ya.
This is an amazing story.
I can't believe I missed this reference.
And Pinkie's like