//------------------------------// // Beneath a Radiant Southern, Cross // Story: Woundsalt, Mother Bucker. // by OneUppington //------------------------------// “So... how much did he give ya?” I embarrassingly whisper into the orange pony's ear the amount. Her jaw races towards the floor. “Oh Sweet Celestia... that's a lot of bits.” “Yeah! Obviously a lot of bits!” Page got me to Sweet Apple Acres after a quick detour to the library to keep my copyright to my poems secure in a mattress. Only on the way from the library did he have the decency to tell me how much is on the card. The number's big. Really big. Ludicrously big. Oil Company big. Apparently, although Printed Mint preferred to kill off The Canterlot Horn rather than to expand the magazine outside the city, he released The Boys From the Corner to the entire world in a heart beat. That's Rich Pony Logic for you. Rich Pony Logic that worked, however. Everypony ate it up, especially in counties which Equestrian isn't a first language which is very surprising. In it for the swears, I assume. The Element of Honesty shakes her head in amazement. “Hoo-hoo-hoooooo Dawgy! Talk about a change of fortune! What the hay are you going to do with that kind of money?” “I-I don't know. I don't even think I should even have this kind of money. I wrote proses against ponies with this kind of money! I've now got the bit-count similar to those bunch of pompous buck-wits who wouldn't know their tail-hole for their mouths!” “Well, you ain't gonna turn into those ponies. You're smart enough to know where your mouth is.” She says with a smile that looks like it's about to say something witty.“You keep usin' it enough.” I turn to look towards the trees. “Maybe you're right, AJ. It's just that... I feel like I sold my soul to the Hasbro unknowingly.” “...Has-what now?” “Hasbro. You know, the Tale of Faust? Selling her soul for wealth, fame, and power?” Apple Jack seems curious. “Is this you right now or the magic?” “... You know what? It could be the magic. I've been referencing a lot of things recently; I was quoting Star Crosser to Twilight's Owl late last night, wrote something about a detachable horn and it turns out there is a blueprint, then I said something about a monkey centaur to Fluttershy which I have NO idea where that's from; probably not important anyway... It's kind of scaring me how much of I'm saying I don't know of, actually.” “What, you mean you didn't quote literature before you knew about the Crus- I mean, the condition?” “Oh I have, it's just that before I thought it's just me being an intelligent bastard. Now that I know it's because I'm unintentionally pulling it out of my magical ass, I feel like my intelligence is a lie.” Apple Jack giggles silently. Not a bad giggle. It's definitely better than Printed Page's. “You seem like a smart fella to me, magic or no ma...” she pauses as if she has seen something behind me. “Oh, for the the love of... Pinkie's behind you and planning on surprising you again.” I turn around quickly to see the pink pony armed with a balloon and a pin. “Awww, Applejack! Why'd you ruin it?” “Because he's not here for surprisin'! He's here for some friends!” The orange Apple (...heh.) grunts as she turns to me. “Sorry Salt, it's just that since that outburst yesterday she got some idea into her head that you don't know how to... 'be surprised'... So she got her mind set on teachin' ya.” “...Seriously?” “Yeah. Don't worry, something will distract her from it eventually.” Eventually? BUCK THAT. Try right now. “Hey Pinks. I'm guessing you have your own special time for me, is that right?” “Yep! Yep! Yepperoonie! Tomorrow Afternoon, you are all mine! I'm going to show you the Sugarcube Corner, the Cakes, the BABY Cakes! Ooooooh they are so-” “Right okay. Well, you know what will be nice tomorrow afternoon?” Her blue eyes stare at me blankly. “What?” “A party.” The blue eyes widen. “A party? Y-you want a party?” “Well, I figure that a party is a good place to find friends. That is what I'm here for, right? Making friends?” Wow, the look on the pink pony's face right now. It is as if I had shown her the universe. I turn to see Apple Jack as she gives me a look I can clearly read. It says, “You are one clever son of a bitch, and I love what your devious mind had created.” I wish I could get that look more often. “OH MY GOSH, YES! IT WOULD BE PERFECT! IT'LL HAVE YOU THERE AND SOME PONIES YOU MIGHT ALREADY KNOW THERE SOME PONIES YOU DON'T KNOW BUT CAN BE GREAT TO KNOW THERE AND wait...” Pinkie ponders. “What would the party be for? Birthday? Anniversary?” “Um... It's for... It's for...” Shit, Pinkie's got me there... uh... AH I KNOW! PINK! “A Cute Mitzvah redo!” Both ponies look at me like I said something stupid. Well, admittedly I did say something stupid, but it's stupidity I can explain. “Beg ya pard'n?” “Well, you know how it's a Cute-ceañera for fillies but a Cute Mitzvah for colts?” “Of course, silly!” Pinkie squales as she pats my head. “I've organised both plenty of times!” “Yeah, well, the person organising my Cute Mitzvah clearly didn't. Every decoration, every bit of food, even the Luna-damn cake, PINK for a Cute-ceañera! No offence, Pinkie Pie, but for a colt entering into stallionhood, there is one colour you don't want to see in the celebration of that and that colour is-” “PINK!” Well, I wasn't opening the sentence for someone to finish, but at least Pinkie gets my point. “Oh my gosh, you are super duper right! That kind of Cute Mitzvah will just not do at all! I promise you, Woundy, tomorrow afternoon you will have the Cute Mitzvah with not a single pink thing to see! I'll even paint myself blue!” “You'd do that to yourself for me?” “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”She states as she waves her hooves around to the... Interesting... ditty. “Ooh! I got to go and get the R.S.V.P. done A.S.A.P! T.T.F.N!” Before I can reply she runs away... knocking a tree up into the air. The tree then falls back onto it's roots like nothing has happened to it at all. “I hate it when she does that.” Apple Jack says as she shakes her head. “That Cute Mitzvah story; is it even true?” “Oh yeah. In Dusty Brush's defence it would be very hard to tell the gender of somepony after you've lit up a 'green and purple dragon.' The only thing that was falsified is me caring about the colour.” AJ looks at me. “So the fact that you're redoing your Cute Mitzvah is just to get Pinkie out of your mane?” I smile. “Kind of... Now that I think about it, it would be pretty sweet. Since this is my new life, I figure ending my childhood as quick as possible will be not a bad idea.” She laughs. “Dash is right. You are a funny guy. Ooh! Speaking of which... About that surge you had in town this mornin'...” Oh Cadence. “Now AJ, you know that it's completely out of my control. I take no respons-” “Oh now, don't you worry yourself none! You didn't say anything wrong! Well, maybe a few more cuss words than there should be, but that's not what I need to talk to you about.” I turn to the cowgirl. “So what do you want to talk about?” “Well, Mister Salt, according to Rainbow you were quite a spokespony on sexual equality this morning.” “Was I?” “Yessiree! Telling her not to be afraid of what she is or will be no matter what the world thinks!” “... I didn't offend her?” Apple Jack shakes her head. Huh. That's new. I figure I should call it a blessing; the first surge I had in Ponyville and the only complaint is that I should wash my mouth out with soap a little bit. “Well anyways, if you believe in anything you were preaching, I'm hoping you can help me out in somethin'.” “Sure, okay. Why not? What's the situation?” “Well, there's this bar at the Renter side of town. The name ain't comin' to mind right now, but they've been contacting me recently wantin' to serve some of the Apple Family's cider.” “What's stopping them?” “Well, usually we take the cider to a company to sell, but that company's has a bit of a strong stance on couples that are a bit 'unusual'... their words, not mine. So they ain't selling unless one of the ponies who runs the place, who is... Well, let's say she's got the best of both fillies and colts, gets some corrective surgery. Preferably, to become all-filly.” I wince like I had sculled a cart full of Emperor Divekick's sake. I don't know what irks me more, the fact I have a feeling that the bar in question is the SorriNa and the pony in question is Blue Curaçao's squeeze or the company not minding their own business on how she is. Probably the latter. Fuck, I hate big business. “So you want me to yell at these mother buckers until they submit, or...?” “Oh trust me, I'll handle 'em.” The apple bucker said through closed teeth. “In fact, I'm gonna sell the cider to the bar directly from the barn. An' cheaper too, just to get Filthy Rich's pants in a bunch.” I smile. I would prefer to hand it out for free, but hey. Any protest to stick it to the stallion is good enough for me. “Your job, however... is explaining it to Granny Smith. She's a bit ol' fashioned, but I can't do somethin' like this without her go-ahead. I don't think I can tell 'er what's what, but I'm as sure as the the sun comes from the east you can. Will ya do it? Please?” Oh my goddess, I'm going to give an old mare a heart attack. “If you want me to, Apple Jack, I'll do it. Just make sure you shove a hoof in my mouth if I cross a line, okay?” “You got it.” As we reach the wooden shack which the Apples call home, I ready myself for a debate that will not be written in history. I ready myself for a debate that will not be told for generations to come. I ready myself for a debate... ...with some elderly lady for the right for a tranny who is in a relationship with my childhood bully to sell booze. Something tells me this is going to be a slobber knocker. ... I'm ready.