• Published 3rd Apr 2013
  • 37,293 Views, 6,994 Comments

Five Score, Divided by Four - TwistedSpectrum

As a fan of the show, I always loved Rainbow Dash and her cutie mark, but I never wanted it to appear on my leg! Now that it has, all sorts of things are getting weird around here. I'm a guy, not a mare! Cartoon ponies aren't real... right?

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3. Hair, what did I ever do to you?

Chapter 3: Hair, what did I ever do to you!

I rub my forehead. “Dude, I’m as confused as you are. Let’s think about this logically, when did this all start?”

Jack rolls his eyes. “Oh, haha, very funny. Drop the act, Dave, this has your name written all over it. I made fun of your stupid Dash tattoo, then you slap me with this Applejack one and do god knows what to my hair.”

I point at my thigh in the general area where my Dash cutie mark is. “I told you, I didn’t do this! I wouldn’t prank myself dumbass. Do you think I want hair like this? I look ridiculous! Besides, you left my house with normal hair; that changed at your house, not mine. Why not point fingers at Evan, he probably pranked both of us!” I cross my arms, satisfied at my own logic. It has to be Evan, he is the only one left. I mean, if not him, who?

“Evan isn’t here, he’s halfway to Chicago by now. He’s attending this huge agriculture convention that Chi-town hosts every year.” Jack sighs, but calms down a bit. “After I left your place this morning we went straight to the airport to drop him off. Then I drove the car back the to the farm, and I have been alone ever since.” Jack walks past me goes over to my fridge. His gait seems off, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

“So you were home alone all day, and your hair just changed on its own?” I scratch my head, that doesn’t make any sense. However, it’s the exact same story I have, so I can’t really protest the authenticity of his claim.

Jack leans into the fridge and rummages around, occasionally stopping to move his hair out of his eyes. “Yep. I noticed the hair around 3pm or so, right after I noticed the tattoo. Which, by the way, what the fuck. You would have had to take my pants off to put that tattoo on me. You slipping me roofies now or something?”

I shake my head again. “Look, that wasn’t me. But you said you didn’t get that cutie mark until 3pm? Then why did I get my cutie mark last night? I think it’s safe to assume that both the cutie marks, and both our hair changes, are related. The hair happened at about the same time, so the cutie marks should have appeared at the same time too.”

Jack returns from the fridge with a bag of apples and tosses the bag on the table. “First off, it’s not your mark, it’s Rainbow Dash’s. Secondly, I don’t know exactly when AJ’s mark showed up on me. I saw it when I took off my jeans, but I was wearing those jeans for about 24 hours. It could have happened anytime yesterday. Apple?” He holds out his hand, offering one of the fruits.

I accept it. “Okay, that still doesn’t explain our hair. We’re talking ourselves in circles here,” I think aloud as I munch away on nature’s candy. “To solve this, we need to figure out the motive. If we can figure out who would want to do this to us, then it will be easy to figure out the how, and the why.”

“Mmmhm, I still say the biggest mystery is why Applejack. Pranking you with Rainbow Dash is obvious, even the random guy that comes by to pick up your garbage probably knows you’re obsessed to death with her. But then there’s me, why the blond hair and apple mark? Honestly, I never talk about Applejack to anyone.”

Only half paying attention I nod. “Yeah, she is a useless pony”.

I am quickly brought back to attention by Jack closing the distance between us as anger flashes in his eyes. “Damnit! What, you’re quoting Discord now? I am not useless!” I look up and cower a bit. Jack is furious, holding one fist in the air and seemingly ready to strike. What the hell did I say to set him off? And, wait a second, what did he just say?

“Dude, Jack, calm down. First off, I’m sorry. Second off, umm, think back on what you just said.” I stand up and take a few steps back in case he gets violent again.

Jack pauses and lowers his fist. “You, you called me useless. Sorry, I just snapped for some reason. I think I’m just under stress, none of this shit is making any sense and it’s getting annoying.” He turns around and walks back to his seat. I am about to correct him and bring up the fact that I never said he is useless, but his gait distracts me again. I watch it for a few seconds, and it clicks: He is walking with his heels off the ground.

“Are you trying to sneak around? I mean, what’s going on there,” I ask. Jack looks back at me with a blank stare. I point at his feet. “You’ve been walking around on your toes this whole time.”

Jack looks at his feet, then looks over at mine and stares for a few seconds. He sighs and sits down, going back to eating the remains of his apple. “Yeah, well, you’re doing the exact same thing.”


Afternoon approaches quickly, and things just get more frustrating. I want to sit down and reason out what’s happening here, but Jack just refuses the acknowledge that this is anything serious. To him, this is all some prank or something. He’s just too stubborn to reason as I try to tell him something serious is going on. “Come on Jack, hair doesn’t grow this fast, nor does it change color on its own. This isn’t possible!”

He stands up to stretch. “I know, that’s why this is all obviously a joke. You just admitted yourself, this is impossible, so I’m not going to worry about it.”

I facepalm and Jack leaves the room. I have absolutely no idea what it going on, but I have a bad feeling it’s only going to get worse unless we can figure it out. I rub my neck, and try to think back to high school biology. Is rapid hair growth a disease of something? No, that doesn’t make sense, and it wouldn’t explain the cutie marks. I stand up and head over to my room. I should spend some time of Google or something and try and figure this out, maybe it's some crazy virus or... something?

Ring Ring

I turn around and spot the ringing cell phone on a table in the hallway. It’s Jack’s phone, so I turn and yell for him. “Yo, AJ, your cell is ringing over here!” Where did that kid go anyway?

“Answer it, I’ll be right there,” he yells back from across the apartment.

I look at the incoming call, it’s from Evan. He is supposed to be in Chicago for some farm convention thing, right? I pick up the phone. “Hey Evan.”

“Oh hey, dude, where’s Jack?”

I yawn. “In the other room, she should be here any second.”

There is a slight pause. “Ah, I see. Well, no worries. Just tell her that my plane landed and I’m safe at the hotel. I’ll be home in five days, as planned.”

“Sounds good, have fun out there,” I reply as I hang up. Something odd nags at the back of my mind, but, before I can give it any thought, Jack shows back up. I toss him his phone. “Your brother said he landed safe. Everything is fine in Chicago.”

Jack nods. “Sounds good. Well, it’s 4pm, I’m going to go take a quick little siesta before dinner. Wake me in 30 minutes?”

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it.” I say with a wave.

Jack yawns and heads back to the living room to collapse on my sofa. I drum my fingers on my desk and try to think of what to do to get to the bottom of this. It is really hard to focus, I'm stressing myself out from trying to figure out the impossible. Maybe I should take a shower to relax a bit?

I move to my bathroom, lock my door, and start undressing. Halfway through, I pause in front of my mirror to check if any other weird things have popped up. So far so good, nothing new here, just my long mane and my cutie marks. I shake my head and mumble to myself, “Mane? What the hell brain, it’s just called hair.” I shake my head and look at myself again, noticing I’m still standing with my ankles off the ground for whatever reason. I take a moment and focus on trying to get my heels touch the floor. And after a few seconds of effort, I manage to get both feet flat. There we go, all better now.

Or... is it? My balance feels really weird standing like this. That doesn't make any sense, though, why would it feel strange to stand with my feet flat on the—. “Hey! I thought I told you guys to stay on the floor,” I scowl at my heels. Only ten seconds or so have passed, but in that time my feet have decided to automatically revert to standing on my toes. Blah, whatever feels comfortable, I guess.

Shaking my head, I lean closer to the mirror to check my hair. Hmm, come to think of it, I didn’t think my hair was this colorful in the morning. I thought my hair was just slightly tinted when I got up, right? Well, not anymore, the tips of my hairs now form a bright, vivid rainbow pattern. I immediately recognize the pattern and I bite my lip. Gah, this is going to be really hard to hide if it gets any more colorful.

I shake my head. Screw the shower, I need a nice, long bath. As I wait for the tub to fill I think back on everything that’s been going on around here. Things happen for a reason, right? So, what’s the reason for making Jack and I look a little bit like the cartoon horses from a show that ended five years ago? This makes no sense! Damn it, why did Jack have to be an Applejack type character! I need a Twilight Sparkle type person here to figure this all out for me. Someone smart who read books on all this stuff, not just a random farmer.

I raise my eyebrows. Hey, wait a second. Jack lives on a farm, Applejack lives on a farm. Why the hell didn’t I make that connection before? Well, now we know why the prankster is working to make Jack look like Applejack. They are making fun of him for being a farmer! Duh! I smirk, Jack isn’t an apple farmer though, his family mostly grows corn. Clearly, whoever did this prank didn’t do their homework properly. That’s actually a pretty big hint, the prankster must not know much about the show.

I smile at the realization. Evan. That’s who did this to us. He is just clueless enough about ponies to make that mistake. I step into the full tub and settle into the warm water, proud of myself for making that now obvious connection. The water feels divine, and I run my hands over my legs, enjoying the warmth of the water working to relax my muscles. I glace down and see my unexplained cutie mark on both thighs, I smile slightly and run my hand over the mark on my right leg. I didn't know why or how I ended up with this mark, but it was actually kind of cool to have. I close my eyes and trace my fingers over my mark, imagining Dash lying somewhere on a cloud and using her hoof to trace the exact same pattern on her leg.

I smile and continue to slowly rub the mark on my leg, then I bring my left hand up and run it though my new long hair, once again envisioning Dash doing the same thing. My mind wonders to other images of Dash, and an unexpected feminine sigh escapes my lips as I runs my fingers over my cutie mark. Part of my mind asks who just made the girly sound, and another part asks why I’m still rubbing the cutie mark on my leg. Both of these thoughts are soon dismissed though as I just smile and continue to think about Dash and drift off into sleep.


It’s cold. I open my eyes and blink a few times to figure out why I’m so chilly. Ah, I’m still in the tub. But wait, why is the water so cold? I lazily look over at the window, noting that it’s dark outside. Shit. Shit! What time is it?!

I facepalm. I got in here at 4pm, Jack is going to be really pissed when he finds out I let him oversleep by several hours. Urgh, this sucks. Wait, why was Jack at my place again? Oh, right, the cutie marks and the hair! In a sudden panic, I remember that the last time I napped my entire head of hair changed. I just finished another nap, did something else change?

I look down at my hands and arms, breathing a sigh of relief when I see that they are still 100% human. Then I glance down at my body and legs, once again relief floods me as I see that everything looks normal. Then I run my hands over my nose and mouth, phew, still good! Finally, I look down to check one last thing. Yes, my manhood is still looking as it always has. “Phew, dodged a bullet there!”

I chuckle to myself. I’m just being silly and paranoid now. Come on, nothing else could possibly change. I mean, really now, growing longer hair and getting an unexpected tattoo is one thing, but actually becoming a pony? Growing hooves and a fur coat? I laugh. That’s just pure fantasy, magic isn’t real.

Well suppose I should drain this tub and get dressed. I gotta go wake Jack from his nap. Sure, I’m like three hours late, but I still have to go do it. I reach down and pull on the drain, noticing there are rainbow hairs visible near my feet. I tilt my head and speak aloud, “Damn, my hair is longer than I thought.” I reach around to my upper back and try to find where my hair line ends. It stops just below my shoulders, the same spot it ended before the bath. Wait, that doesn’t make any sense. If my hair line stops at my shoulders, how is there rainbow hair down by my knees? I stand up, confused, and feel a new strange sensation tugging on me as it lifts out of the water.

I have a tail.

The sheer ‘what the fuck’ nature of the moment utterly paralyzes me for a few seconds. I stand there, halfway out of the tub, staring down at my... tail? I have a tail? I try, and immediately fail to fully process the situation. My mouth uselessly flaps open and closed as my brain short circuits itself. “That’s... not... human,” is all I manage to say.

I reach out in a daze and grab it, then give it a tug. I really hope it will just pull right off, but that’s not the case. Yanking on it just gives me the most strange sensation, as if someone is behind me and pulling directly on my backbone. I take the tail in both of my hands and run my fingers between the long strands, then follow them as they lead to the bottom of my back. This tail isn’t some party trick, and it’s not just hair. The underside of the base of my tail is solid, and it’s made of flesh, blood, and bone. It’s literally growing out of me.

Legitimately panicking at this point, I step out of the tub and move about erratically. Every time I turn my body, the tail gets whipped around and comes into view. And its just just 'the tail', it's mine. I have a fucking tail! I panic even more and incoherent babble starts coming out of my mouth, ‘‘What the fuck, oh god, oh god, what the fuck.” My mind seems to have recovered from it’s paralysis, is now running overtime. Thoughts in my head form faster than I can make sense of them, and my mouth continues to spew random expletives. “Fuck, fuck, this isn’t Evan’s work! Fuck! Last time I checked he can’t grow tails on people! Oh god, oh god, fuck me. Well, at least the colors are show accurate. Who cares about the colors! How do I explain to people that I’m now part horse? This isn’t possible, this isn’t possible. Oh my god, did anything else change?”

I pause for a second as I realize that last thought is the most logical one. I know I already looked myself over in the tub, but I better make sure there aren't any more surprises. I turn to face the mirror, and thankfully, I really don’t see any other changes. Well, other than my hair, which now is a perfect replica of Dash's mane. I raise my eyebrows in shock. It’s completely and utterly rainbow colored. I mean, this hair is so colorful it puts a Crayola advertisement to shame. I don’t even know how it’s possible for hair to be colored this bright. Well, I guess it's not really human hair anymore, is it? I might as well start calling it my mane now, it's certainly shaped like one. I turn sideways and look at the contours of it and notice how it's growing down out the back of my neck. Yep, that's a mane. Well, at least it matches the tail perfectly, I guess. Okay, so full color hair, and a tail to match. Dear god what the fuck is going—.

The tub finishes draining and makes a very loud suction sound as the drain takes its first breath of air. I flinch in response to the sudden sound, and then feel my ears turn and swivel backwards as they move to localize the noise. Wait, did my ears just... swivel? My mind connects the dots. “Oh... oh fuck.”

I gingerly turn back towards the mirror and raise my hand up to feel my ears. They are mostly covered by my crazy mane, but I spot the tips of two cyan colored, equine ears. I freeze as I look at them poking through the top of my head. Strangely, the first thought that comes across me is, 'I could totally rock a cosplay contest right now.'

I use my hands to part the hair and get a better look at my ears. They are true to life pony ears, fairly thin, flexible, and ever so slightly moving in response to sounds from the apartment. They are covered in thin cyan fur which thins out right where it meet my head. I bite my lip for a moment, I suppose I should be thankful for this mane. If I was bald, I would look unbelievably creepy with these ears right now. The hair really hides them well though, it’s hard to even notice the ears unless you really look for them.

Not wanting to miss anything else, I take one final look over my body. I check my body all over, and then get all the way down to my knees and legs. I start to feel pretty confident that I won’t find anything else, but then I get to my feet. My feet themselves are fine, but I can’t say the same thing about my toes. My middle toe looks way larger than it should be, and the toenail is way thicker than normal. A word floats across my mind telling me what I think it’s becoming, but I just swallow the lump in my throat and try not to think about it.

“Well, that’s just a wonderful turn of events,” I spit out with sarcasm. Thankfully, walking isn't an issue, but I’m still doing that raised ankle thing. I try forcing my heels back on the ground, like I did earlier, but that’s simply not possible anymore. My muscles simply don’t respond, and I realize I literally can't get my heels to touch the ground. I should probably be concerned with this fact, but I’m still a little distracted by the frickin horse tail that is now part of my body.

“Think. Think. Think.” I say as I tap on my head while I pace around my bedroom, still naked from the shower. I should really get dressed, but I have to admit, I kinda liked the feel of my tail flowing freely between my legs. It should feel totally alien and scary, but for some reason it doesn't, in fact, it actually feels kind of comforting.

I return to my futile attempts at trying to understand the situation. “This is far beyond the scope of any sort of prank, far beyond the scope of, well, anything really. Pretty much every aspect of this is impossible.” I arrive at my desk and see the Fiona’s birthday plushie of Rainbow Dash sitting there. I pick it up and look it over in my hands. It really is nice a plushie, perfectly show accurate. I look back at my reflection in the mirror and then back at the plushie. An amusing thought crosses my head. I stand the plushie on the ground next to me, then get on all fours right beside it, and compare the two of us in mirror.

“That’s, pretty fucking surreal,” I mumble to the empty room. The cutie mark matches perfectly, of course, but so do my eyes, my ears, and my hairstyle. When I’m on all fours like this, my crazy anime hair really does look like a perfect replica of Dash’s mane. My ears poke out from it and are much more visible now too. Then, at the far end, is my new tail. For whatever reason, I think I'm actually growing a little fond of it. I mean, the fact that I have a tail worries me. Yet, if I was given the option to remove it, I think I would prefer to keep it. I don’t know, it just feels nice. I return to a sitting position and scratch my chin while I stare at my curious reflection.

Well, on the bright side, when Jack wakes up he is finally going to have to take this whole thing seriously. I don’t think there is any use denying what is going on anymore. On the not so bright side, well, I’m pretty sure this is all going to suck.

I enter the living room and notice Jack is still sound asleep. I laugh to myself thinking about how his entire world is going to turn upside down as soon as I wake him up. This should be fun. I kick the sofa. “C’mon, wake up, Applejack!” I say, grinning ear the ear at my intentional name choice. I don’t know why I am in a good mood, but I am. I should probably be feeling a mix of terror and fear after just finding out I am no longer 100% human. But really, I just feel a bit confused and strangely elated.

Jack mumbles facedown into the pillow. I kick the sofa again. “Come on, get up, this was just supposed to be a nap.” I am eager for him to turn over so I can see his changes.

Jack half turns and starts to sit up. “Has it been 20 minutes already?”

“Uh, sure, let’s go with that.”

Jack bolts upright upon hearing that, and he snatches his phone to check the time. “Dude! What the hell man, it's 8pm! I wanted a 20 minute nap not a full four hours,” Jack turns to face me with a tired anger in his green eyes. Now, I’m wearing a hooded sweatshirt so he can’t see anything out of the ordinary on my face. However, Jack is just in shorts and a t-shirt, so I get to see all of his new equine touches. And, oh god, he looks adorable. Freckles on both of his cheeks, and large brown pony ears poking out the top of his head.

I want to say something, but all that comes out of my mouth is a smile and a soft noise. “Daww...”

Jack is not amused. “Dash, it was a simple request, wake me in 20 minutes.” Seeing him frown with his oversized pony ears and long blond hair is pretty comical, and I have to bite my tongue to stop from laughing. Jack continues his rant, “...and now that I overslept it means I won’t be able to fall asleep on time tonight! And that means when I wake up early tomorrow morning I’m going to be really tired! Seriously, my whole day tomorrow is ruined.”

I am going to rupture a blood vessel suppressing my laughter this much, but I have to keep it up. “Yup, you’re right! Your entire day will most definitely be ruined! Tomorrow is going to really not go as you planned.” My laughter starts to seep into my words, and by the end of my sentence Jack knows something is up.

Jack narrows his eyes. “What, what did you do? What’s so funny?”

This is way too amusing, “Oh, naw, it’s nothing dude. You just got a little something on your face.”

“Oh. Where, over here?” Jack starts rubbing his cheek.

“Nah, higher... higher...” I watch as his hand moves further up his face. “Little bit higher, almost there.”

“Urgh, what is it? Do I have it yet?” Jack says, his hand just inches below his new ears.

I have to pause to enjoy the moment for a few seconds. I take a deep breath, alright, enough is enough. I’m done toying with Jack, and it’s time for him to learn just how fucked up his next few days are going to be. “Right there buddy. Just one more inch up, aaaand there, right there.” Jack rubs the location I indicate and his hand meets fur and a sensitive ear. His face cycles through a dozen different emotions, and he reaches up his other hand to feel his other ear.

“What is... wait... but... oh, you have gotta be shitting me...” Jack's words trail off as a look of panic finally settles on his face. Well, I think he has a pretty good guess at what they are. He leaps up and jogs over to the mirror in the living room, and I walk over behind him and cross my arms. He just stares into the mirror looking at his ears for a good ten seconds.

“They look good on you, Applejack.” I break out a wide grin.

Jack spin around with a mix of confusion and horror on his face. “What? And what are you so happy about?”

“Pfft, I just know I look cooler than you.” I remove my sweatshirt hood and expose my full color mane and cyan ears, which I then waggle and flick in his general direction. What can I say, I have been practicing with them for a bit.

Jack stares in bewilderment at my appearance for a few seconds, then turns back to the mirror. He runs his hands over his ears again. “Dash, what the hell is going on here? We look like freaks!” He turns back to face me, worry showing on his face “Anything else change?”

I tap my chin, remembering that I said I was done toying with Jack. However, rules are meant to be broken. “Nope. Jack, there are no other changes at all. Just the ears. I admit, they are a bit strange, but I’m starting to grow fond of mine. Well, if I ignore the fact that I have to wear a hood in public at all times now.” I frown as I realize I can never walk around in a t-shirt again.

“Urgh, I think I’m going to be sick,” Jack says as he looks at the mirror again. “I need to go splash water on my face and make sure the rest of me still looks the same.”

“Sounds good, I’ll be right here.” I watch Jack leave and enter the bathroom. This is going to be priceless.

“Ten.” I announce to the room.

“Nine. Eight.” I cross my arms and learn against the wall.

“Seven. Six. ” My new tail would probably be wagging furiously right now, but it is wrapped around my leg and trapped in my pants, hidden from view.

“Five. Four.” I smile as I realize that Jack is in the bathroom right now, and once he takes off his pants and looks behind him...

“Three. Two—.”


“Ah dammit, one second off.” I frown, but then immediately smile as the bathroom door flies open and Jack runs down the hall, screaming. He left his pants behind in the bathroom, and his new tail flails in the air behind him he runs.

I yell down after him “So... do you like it?”

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