• Member Since 11th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 21st, 2016



when the thing you love most is taken away from you what can you do to hold on

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 46 )

Hii there xD looks like you need some editing grammatically :P but other then that, keep writing. You'll do good kid :moustache:

"Scoots! Scoots!" Rainbow Dash gasped shaking the filly awake "Come on! We will be late!"

Ok which one sounds better?
"We will be late!"
"We'll be late!"

Try to make your dialogue flow better than it is, coz it won't sound right if it doesnt, but thats about the only mistake I saw in this apart from-

"Oh come on I will be fine! nothing bad will happen!" giggled Scootaloo misunderstanding the crying.
"No, its good crying, it's liquid pride, I have waited so long for this moment, and now its here!" dash said smiling with glee.

Why would Rainbow Dash say that if Scootaloo never asked? :rainbowhuh: also

"Oh come on I will be fine! nothing bad will happen!"

another part where the dialogue doesn't flow right, "Oh come on I'll be fine! nothing bad will happen! (so stop crying!) "

anyway I'm gonna fave this and see where it goes :rainbowkiss:

"no, I am staying." she glanced at scootaloo. "I'm family."

"No! I'm staying (here)!" she glanced at Scootaloo. "I'm family."

2206505 thank you I will edit it I just get a lot of bad reviews and I am scared of spelling something wrong

also thank you for faveing! (I get bored quick so updates are very quick)

2206434 that is possibly the best comment I have ever had! have a pinkie pie: :pinkiesmile:

Well, the plot is pretty great. But I suggest you seek a proofreader. ;3

2207102 I have a proof reader now actually! I sent this to her and she was like "must...correct...everything" so yeah....

she is mentioned on the first page actually in authors notes.

(also yes I do have a "great plot") :duck:

I know your fic just came out but, Is it all wright if I put it on youtube @ http://www.youtube.com/user/LordMinionz?feature=mhee:heart::pinkiegasp::rainbowlaugh::rainbowkiss::rainbowhuh::rainbowdetermined2::duck::facehoof::rainbowwild::raritywink::pinkiehappy::flutterrage::derpytongue2::applecry: WARNING: I'm not a professional at this

2208193 yes, ye it is I am really happy you love my story that much! :twilightsmile: (send me the link when you are done!)

*squee* have a derpy: :derpytongue2:

I'm having some problems Give me a minuet

I didn't mean it like that.

2208822 I know I just have a VERY dirty mined (I had to)

2212505 You don't have a dirty mind, you have a sexy mind

Derpy do you have a skype, I want to see the chapters also an editor for my story

2220865 I don't have skype at all, plus I would be really bad editor as my grammar is REALLY BAD.

Before I read fix grammar mistakes an dmention me

Newest Chapter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDwQedzxRh0 Also The Next two chapters I will be reading together

2239751 thanks for doing the readings. if it was me I would already be bored of doing it

2240338 Well I like reading, Also you still need to make an account And subscribe

2241247 Like I say, I will (me and my friends are forming a brony band so we will need you tube soon)

2245448 yeah...I am the singer and my proofreader plays flute and our other friend plays saxophone, we are called three fillys and a juice box

2245593Well weird, but if you need art I can supply

2245662 thanks, but I have got someone to do all that stuff, I just really wanted to be a brony musician (this stems from me being a mandopony fangirl)

I'm sorry to inform, but my pc gets blue screen every 20 minuet and has a vireos that stops me fro going to youtube

2262416 please explain to someone who has no idea about computes.

Ah, oh, um, I'll get this out tomorrow Derpy

Well um, Very good work on this chapter,
Let's hope for another great chapter,
Orchid another great job on editing.

And yes, I have no CutieMark.
Not because I haven't found my talent but, Because
I chose not to be limited by a mark that tells me what to do
for my vast amount of talents.

I just started t make the audio to video so, this will go up in the morning
At 10:00A.M (U.S./Canada Mountain time)

2316427 thank you! thank you so much!

have a bug mac: :eeyup:

Let's see... your story has only a little over 2,800 words despite already having five chapters. Even ignoring the rating, that's a big red flag right there. After having read it, I must say this would have been an amazingly epic story if you had actually put some time and effort into it.

With as much story as you have, your word count should be at LEAST ~15,000 words (around 3,000 words per chapter, give or take a few). The plot wasn't just rushed, it was loaded into a gun and fired like a bullet. It's not nearly as hard as it sounds to write that much.

Now the grammar. Just because you have a proofreader doesn't mean your story has good grammar. Your biggest problem is capitalization. You and your proofreader don't seem to have even the slightest idea of how it's supposed to work.

You two need to read FiMFiction's writing guide.

I love the plot you have going here. That's why I'm so disappointed to see it mishandled so badly. I really want to see it turned into a REAL story. If you can make it happen, I'd be more than happy to come back with something much more positive to say.

2398471 well the reason it is rushed is just that I have nothing more to say, I babble too much...and believe me you would much less want to read my babbling.

2400418 Maybe you should give babbling a try. If you can get yourself to stay on topic, why not?

Derpy, I feel as if I've done bad with this fic, so I'm going to be rereading it. As well as that, may I help you with some grammar errors, I feel if I can give this a bit more polish, then I can help it a lot.

2400476 you are right! I will try that.

2416631 I am crap at grammar I know that so any help is GREATLY appreciated.

chickens cant fly so why should I?

Actually, chickens (Roosters, more specifically) are capable of flight for a short period of time.

chicken run lied to me...

sad just sad if i ever see that queen again i will kill her for this

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