when the thing you love most is taken away from you what can you do to hold on
Chapters (6)
Derpylicious
Joined 11th Feb, 2013 ·
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Hii there xD looks like you need some editing grammatically :P but other then that, keep writing. You'll do good kid
Ok which one sounds better?
"We will be late!"
Or
"We'll be late!"
Try to make your dialogue flow better than it is, coz it won't sound right if it doesnt, but thats about the only mistake I saw in this apart from-
Why would Rainbow Dash say that if Scootaloo never asked?
also
another part where the dialogue doesn't flow right, "Oh come on I'll be fine! nothing bad will happen! (so stop crying!) "
anyway I'm gonna fave this and see where it goes
"No! I'm staying (here)!" she glanced at Scootaloo. "I'm family."
2206505 thank you I will edit it I just get a lot of bad reviews and I am scared of spelling something wrong
also thank you for faveing! (I get bored quick so updates are very quick)
2206434 that is possibly the best comment I have ever had! have a pinkie pie:
Well, the plot is pretty great. But I suggest you seek a proofreader. ;3
2207102 I have a proof reader now actually! I sent this to her and she was like "must...correct...everything" so yeah....
she is mentioned on the first page actually in authors notes.
(also yes I do have a "great plot")
I know your fic just came out but, Is it all wright if I put it on youtube @ http://www.youtube.com/user/LordMinionz?feature=mhee
WARNING: I'm not a professional at this
2208193 yes, ye it is I am really happy you love my story that much!
(send me the link when you are done!)
*squee* have a derpy:
I'm having some problems Give me a minuet
The first read of this made by me.
@ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bx8hNPodJ1g
2207484
...
I didn't mean it like that.
2208822 I know I just have a VERY dirty mined (I had to)
2212505 You don't have a dirty mind, you have a sexy mind
Newest chapter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXh3z6XFoLQ
2214110 oh thank you
Derpy do you have a skype, I want to see the chapters also an editor for my story
2220865 I don't have skype at all, plus I would be really bad editor as my grammar is REALLY BAD.
Before I read fix grammar mistakes an dmention me
Newest Chapter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDwQedzxRh0 Also The Next two chapters I will be reading together
2239751 thanks for doing the readings. if it was me I would already be bored of doing it
2240338 Well I like reading, Also you still need to make an account And subscribe
2241247 Like I say, I will (me and my friends are forming a brony band so we will need you tube soon)
2243376 Brony band?
2245448 yeah...I am the singer and my proofreader plays flute and our other friend plays saxophone, we are called three fillys and a juice box
2245593Well weird, but if you need art I can supply
2245662 thanks, but I have got someone to do all that stuff, I just really wanted to be a brony musician (this stems from me being a mandopony fangirl)
Well good luck
2251132 thank you!
I'm sorry to inform, but my pc gets blue screen every 20 minuet and has a vireos that stops me fro going to youtube
2262416 please explain to someone who has no idea about computes.
Ah, oh, um, I'll get this out tomorrow Derpy
Well um, Very good work on this chapter,
Let's hope for another great chapter,
Orchid another great job on editing.
And yes, I have no CutieMark.
Not because I haven't found my talent but, Because
I chose not to be limited by a mark that tells me what to do
for my vast amount of talents.
I just started t make the audio to video so, this will go up in the morning
At 10:00A.M (U.S./Canada Mountain time)
It is up Story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXy2-NfrPy8&feature=youtu.be
2316427 thank you! thank you so much!
have a bug mac:
Let's see... your story has only a little over 2,800 words despite already having five chapters. Even ignoring the rating, that's a big red flag right there. After having read it, I must say this would have been an amazingly epic story if you had actually put some time and effort into it.
With as much story as you have, your word count should be at LEAST ~15,000 words (around 3,000 words per chapter, give or take a few). The plot wasn't just rushed, it was loaded into a gun and fired like a bullet. It's not nearly as hard as it sounds to write that much.
Now the grammar. Just because you have a proofreader doesn't mean your story has good grammar. Your biggest problem is capitalization. You and your proofreader don't seem to have even the slightest idea of how it's supposed to work.
You two need to read FiMFiction's writing guide.
I love the plot you have going here. That's why I'm so disappointed to see it mishandled so badly. I really want to see it turned into a REAL story. If you can make it happen, I'd be more than happy to come back with something much more positive to say.
2398471 well the reason it is rushed is just that I have nothing more to say, I babble too much...and believe me you would much less want to read my babbling.
2400418 Maybe you should give babbling a try. If you can get yourself to stay on topic, why not?
Derpy, I feel as if I've done bad with this fic, so I'm going to be rereading it. As well as that, may I help you with some grammar errors, I feel if I can give this a bit more polish, then I can help it a lot.
2400476 you are right! I will try that.
2416631 I am crap at grammar I know that so any help is GREATLY appreciated.
Actually, chickens (Roosters, more specifically) are capable of flight for a short period of time.
2594834
...
...
...
chicken run lied to me...
sad just sad if i ever see that queen again i will kill her for this
oh goodness, chrysalis is up to her hive mind tricks again *gasps and faints* bleh