• Member Since 14th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 6th, 2015

Somepony New


In the culmination of a storm, Alex White encounters Twilight Sparkle on his way home after a particularly disastrous week. When Twilight uncovers the truth, it shakes her to the very core. But her crossing the veil has alerted an ancient enemy from a hidden history; one that even the Elements were unable to defeat in ages past.

As one storm ends, another begins. With Twilight's faith tested and a daunting enemy lurking in shadows, she will need the Elements to overcome it all... but will it be enough?

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 11 )

I do hope Alex explains Murphy and his damnable law to Twilight.

I wouldn't want to be the object of Twilight's wrath right about now. :twilightangry2:

I like it. It has a lot of potential.

Your wording is perfect, the pacing is good, the grammar and spelling are impeccable. Give dem cookies to dem proof-readers.

The only thing that bothers me is the calmness of Alex. He's taking this very, very lightly. At first it made sense, he thought he was delirious. But now, after so much time and a good night's sleep?

I also noticed this is a re-written version of the story, I never read the first one. But I expect big things from this one.

Flesh out your characters even before introducing them. Set a conflict and develop it.

It's too early for me to give any kind of verdict. I'll be watching this.

This is interesting, at first I was worried that this would be just another HiE or even a pony on earth, and yes though it was one of those things it still displays a good quality of writing. I am interested to see what your interpretation of Twilight thinks of this world as well as how the story will develop. I will be watching this with keen anticipation.
A question though, is Celestia in your story a troll or is this another of her confusing life lessons which eventually turns out to be redundant? If you do not wish to answer that's fine just keep writing and I will discover the answer later anyway.

As to what Naden said I agree, Alex should be a little more in shock with Twilight standing right there in front of him, he being a normal person and not a lunatic like myself. Also wouldn't Twilight lose her ability to preform magic without her horn? It would be more amusing to make it so they had to come up with a way to hide it, after all a Unicorn without her horn is just an Earth Pony right?

2360695, 2362267

Thank you for your feedback. You needn't worry, the issue of the calmness of Alex, as you put it, is revisited shortly. :twilightsmile:

As for the removal of Twilight's horn, it isn't really gone. It has melded into her new, current form. Unlike Evening Star's, which was removed entirely, however that does not necessarily mean the change is devoid of drawbacks. :trixieshiftright:

And Celestia's behavior? I am pleading the fifth on that. You will be able to decide for yourself soon enough. :scootangel:

2278323, Thanks for your continued support. I hope you are enjoying the re-read.

Well, that's a turn toward the sinister.

The plot thickens...

And now to the point of the story, where we meet the badguys, always a pleasure, lets see how they develope.

Alright, shall I start?
First: It seemed a little empty to me but then that's what happens when you try to fill out the bones of a story, don't feel bad about that even the best writers in the world do it, its called filler!

Second: Twilight's reaction to the aforementioned Bullet fan, though amusing, was flawed in some respects and a little too sugary for Twilight's personality, though I will forgive this too it would probably do you well to consider revising that part and tweaking it a little... just a little, also it felt a little rushed.

Third: Alex seems to be a little too blind at Twilight's ability to be smart, if it were me I would consider editing that a bit too, after all is Alex actually that simple? I feel the manner in which he displayed his personality in earlier chapters betrays this, makes him a little less intelligent then he seemed to be.

A bit of a downer in my opinion...

Otherwise keep it up! And please, throw in some more Twilight / Human interactions, the availability of much LOLs is near boundless!

2819207 I believe I know what you are speaking about.

This chapter had a HUGE amount of exposition that I decided to deep six. That left the framework for the scene that I had that I had to rework entirely.

The part about Twilight being to sweet here is actually ironic (at least to me). The original version had her being much more direct and dismissive of the teen, but it felt out of character completely for her and my prereader agreed with me. I guess I may have taken it a bit too far in the other direction, but I assumed Twilight would be more than capable of putting up a front when dealing with a mild irritant.

Alex isn't so much questioning Twilight's intelligence, per se, but her ability to be savvy. I have personally found that most individuals that are highly intelligent seem to lack street smarts. Perhaps I used improper descriptions when setting up the scene though. I forced myself to rush this out a bit faster than I would have liked because I have been tied up with school work for the past two months.

I will give it a more thorough examination in the passing weeks and possible edit a few lines to better portray the events to fit in character, but it will not change the actual events that occur.

The sign of any true author is to adapt without altering the original premise. I still like the story though, it intrigues me. :pinkiecrazy:

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