In the culmination of a storm, Alex White encounters Twilight Sparkle on his way home after a particularly disastrous week. When Twilight uncovers the truth, it shakes her to the very core. But her crossing the veil has alerted an ancient enemy from a hidden history; one that even the Elements were unable to defeat in ages past.
As one storm ends, another begins. With Twilight's faith tested and a daunting enemy lurking in shadows, she will need the Elements to overcome it all... but will it be enough?
Chapters (6)
I do hope Alex explains Murphy and his damnable law to Twilight.
I wouldn't want to be the object of Twilight's wrath right about now.
I like it. It has a lot of potential.
Your wording is perfect, the pacing is good, the grammar and spelling are impeccable. Give dem cookies to dem proof-readers.
The only thing that bothers me is the calmness of Alex. He's taking this very, very lightly. At first it made sense, he thought he was delirious. But now, after so much time and a good night's sleep?
I also noticed this is a re-written version of the story, I never read the first one. But I expect big things from this one.
Flesh out your characters even before introducing them. Set a conflict and develop it.
It's too early for me to give any kind of verdict. I'll be watching this.
2360695, 2362267
Thank you for your feedback. You needn't worry, the issue of the calmness of Alex, as you put it, is revisited shortly.
As for the removal of Twilight's horn, it isn't really gone. It has melded into her new, current form. Unlike Evening Star's, which was removed entirely, however that does not necessarily mean the change is devoid of drawbacks.
And Celestia's behavior? I am pleading the fifth on that. You will be able to decide for yourself soon enough.
2278323, Thanks for your continued support. I hope you are enjoying the re-read.
Well, that's a turn toward the sinister.
The plot thickens...
2819207 I believe I know what you are speaking about.
This chapter had a HUGE amount of exposition that I decided to deep six. That left the framework for the scene that I had that I had to rework entirely.
The part about Twilight being to sweet here is actually ironic (at least to me). The original version had her being much more direct and dismissive of the teen, but it felt out of character completely for her and my prereader agreed with me. I guess I may have taken it a bit too far in the other direction, but I assumed Twilight would be more than capable of putting up a front when dealing with a mild irritant.
Alex isn't so much questioning Twilight's intelligence, per se, but her ability to be savvy. I have personally found that most individuals that are highly intelligent seem to lack street smarts. Perhaps I used improper descriptions when setting up the scene though. I forced myself to rush this out a bit faster than I would have liked because I have been tied up with school work for the past two months.
I will give it a more thorough examination in the passing weeks and possible edit a few lines to better portray the events to fit in character, but it will not change the actual events that occur.