Change

what if something happened a long time ago without your knowing involving your marefriend being replaced with a duplicate? would you be angry? depressed? confused? Colgate has experienced all three...

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 10
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Perteks

Perteks #1 · Feb 20th, 2013 · · ·

Wait uhh i readed it already.
I said whats going on?

And what you gonna do with it? Continue or not?

dormagio

dormagio #2 · Feb 20th, 2013 · · ·

I like it.

Sagacity

Sagacity #3 · Feb 21st, 2013 · · ·

Your description is a good example of where it would be better to show, not tell. The idea behind this literary principle is to let the reader experience a story instead of having them reading a summary about it — i.e., instead of telling us that Colgate "has experienced anger, depression, and confusion", show us how she feels through imagery. How did she act? In whom did she confide?
Not sure if it's relevant to your story, but this advice is especially applicable to love; a good writer shows how two characters fall in love rather than saying "oh yeah and they gazed into each others eyes and said i luv yoo". Keep these concepts in mind as you progress!

JackleTheKitsune

JackleTheKitsune #4 · Feb 21st, 2013 · · ·

If you do see fit to continue to spin this tale, know that as it goes around the wheel, i will be waiting, for when the thread finally stops flowing, it will be unlike anything but the richest of tapestries. If you still wish to explore this world, i would be overjoyed to follow along.

redmon77

redmon77 #5 · Feb 21st, 2013 · · ·

@perteks
@jacklethekitsune
yes, i have decided to continue this little tail. and yes i am going to elongate it. thank you for the likes btw

LonelyBrony42

LonelyBrony42 #6 · Feb 25th, 2013 · · ·

Redmon, listen to Sagacity up there, I made the same suggestion earlier. This version still needs a lot of work, but it is nice to see this actually on FiMfiction. Go through those comments I gave you and that should improve this story tremendously.

I do like the idea you have going here, though. It'll be interesting to see how you flesh it out.

Jphyper

Jphyper #7 · Mar 11th, 2013 · · ·

You need to either add indentation or add an extra space between paragraphs (or both). It'll help tremendously.

kalash93

kalash93 #8 · Apr 3rd, 2013 · · ·

Kalash93 from Authors Helping Authors. I am about to start reading your story and I will then review it.

kalash93

kalash93 #9 · Apr 3rd, 2013 · · ·

Kalash93 from Authors Helping Authors dropping you a review.

Title: Change
Author: redmon77
Grammar: 6 You made a lot of comma ommissions. I admittedly went through this quickly as my schedule is tight and I just wanted to give you input. Also, SPACE!
Pros
1. This is a new take on the "your lover is a changeling" premise. It grants a new aspect to changelings seldom seen in the fandom. I thank you.
2. The twist was brilliant. Solid feels for love granting redemption, even though you could totally understand why one would not forgive.
3. Your characterization was solid and effective.
Cons
1. Double space between your paragraphs!
2. You do far too much telling and not enough showing.
3. That epilogue was unnecessary. Either put it in as part of a short followup chapter or amputate it entirely.
Comments
This was an enjoyable take on the changeling premise. I really like how the changeling came to genuinely love and develop principles. A sequel with a different couple as told from the changeling's perspective would be quite an interesting treat. I really loved your twist. It went from almost a callous story about revenge to a heartwarming one about forgiveness. I totally understood why Colgate would hate the changeling. But then you showed why she loves the changeling, and that love overpowered the hate in one of the happiest twists I've read in a long time. You did good, solid characterization and a bit of character development in a short story. That's not bad at all. Character development and world building separate the greats from the rest. Now, you really need to double space between your paragraphs. Do this regardless of where you type it up. It makes it so much easier to read. Paragraph spacing can also be used for dramatic effect. You could have done without the epilogue. I would have made it part of a followup chapter or omitted it entirely. It was jarring to have a sudden addition to a supposed oneshot that was quite nicely resolved. Your writing is at least competent and decent. While nothing about it is outstandingly good, this story is both memorable and effective enough to earn it 7/10 flutteryays, which is above average.

I hope you enjoyed my review. Please do me a favor and drop me a review on my story, Reflections (http://www.fimfiction.net/story/85411/reflections) Thank you!