• Member Since 29th Jan, 2013
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Exilo


E

Following her humiliation at the hooves of Twilight Sparkle, Trixie is left broken and alone. All alone in the world without a friend to care for her, she descends into a state of depression and remorse.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 22 )

I shall read this forthwith.

2093473 I will be happy to know what you think, even if there are problems, on all my fics.

And I greatly enjoy your new avi.

Alright, I read it! It's good, I actually feel pretty well moved by this. I'm eager to see where you go with it, so have a thumbs up and a favorite.

A few things I noticed.

> By the build (by the moon he was huge,)

This sentence is a little awkward with that mid-though parenthetical phrase.

> What could augment an earthmover?

I'm not sure if augment is the right word to use here. "Impress" might make more sense, as I read it.

> Ursus behind you!

"Ursa's"

> She was shaking and aware of how dangerous a frightened unicorn could be, Jack kept his distance.

This sentence makes it sound like Trixie was shaking and aware of how dangerous a frightened unicorn could be. I suggest "Trixie was shaking. Aware of how dangerous a frightened unicorn could be, [...]"

> "That prissy troll Twilight Sparkle, that's who!"
and
> "fall plot backwards in to!"

You should avoid using internet slang, it makes the writing feel a little unrealistic within the scope of the show.

> "I was a troll, so is everyone else."

Aside from the above mentioned point, this needs to be changed. You could either change that comma for a semicolon, or divide it into two sentences with a period, and change the second half to "everyone else is too" or something similar.

> I deserve all this?!

You should probably stick with one punctuation mark.

> I didn’t summon the Ursur!

"Ursa"


I hope you don't take offense to my corrections; they're meant to help you. It's a good story. Moreover, for a story this long, to have made so few mistakes is admirable.

I'm looking forward to the rest! :pinkiehappy:

2093490 Thank you, I'm very happy with it myself.

As my other comment says, I enjoyed this story a lot! I'm really interested to see where you take this. I've never felt sympathetic with Trixie until I read this, so that's a good sign.

Well done, Exilo!

2093541 No offense taken in any of them. I took your advice on the majority of things. Some of them like the ursa thing, I actually didn’t know how to put that. Funny thing about using "troll" and "plot." The original story had harsher language. I actually changed it to those terms so earn an Everyone rating. I changed "plot" to "rump," since that's at least in the show. But troll... I feel like that can work as a nod to the internet, but at the same time, its possible Trixie (and Discord in Return,) is actually referring to the type of monster that lives under the bridge. I feel like it can work as a fantasy insult.

Thank you so much for the comments. I usually don't make so many mistakes, but EQD is complaining about sentence fragments and runon sentences. I'm trying to change my style of writing, so it might be a bit bumpy.

2093585 No problem. You're of course under no obligation to fix any mistakes or perceived mistakes I point out, and I take it as a compliment that you did.

Keep it up, it's good.

Best. Story. EVER !:raritystarry:
Kweep it up pwease ^^

2095562 I am happy you enjoyed it. I hope you return for season 4.

Well that sure as hell killed my good mood

2101595 I'm sorry. You should know, I'm not a very cheery writer.

2101673 why the loyal fudge would you apologise?

Your goal as a writer is to touch the emotions of your readers which this story without question succeeded with. Feel proud

2101758 He he, Loyal Fudge...

The rejection letters and the lack of attention and the thumbs down kinda wear you down after a while. Sometimes I just instictively apoligize. I do want to fix this one up sometime soon, though. This, The Return and Poisonous Joke are probably the three MLP fics I am most proud of.

Wait a minute, Complete !? It's all I'll get ... did you cancelled the story ? Tell me you didn't just gave up! :applecry:

2115532 This was always a one-shot. If I get more ideas for Trixie, I will write more. I've always liked Trixie, so it's possible.

I feel the need to point out she never met Pinkie in her first episode. Its an interesting story but it more comes off to me as Trixie whining that Twilight has it better than her and that somehow justifies her anger or makes her better. A piece this short can't really be more than something to just show the character and an opinion of that character or how that character feels. Of course she doesn't know everything we know from watching the episodes obviously, so she doesn't know a thing about them and what they're like. How she knows Rainbow Dash is an attention seeker however is something I'm not sure. She didn't have time to really see a huge amount of their personalities.

I'm just not sure if you're trying to get some point across. Was it wrong for Twilight to save the day because Trixie couldn't? Or are you showing that Trixie isn't in a position to know or see what Twilight and her friends (the three she met) are really like? I notice you say you liked the 'so called villain' more than the protagonist. Trixie was more accurately the antagonist of her episode, which doesn't mean just mean villain. Still, I'm a bit surprise by your 'disgust' at her first episode because, well, that's the episode you first see her in and there's only so much that can be done in one episode. Her part to play it that was to help the plot of Twilight learning she shouldn't confuse being proud of what you can do with showing off nor should you hide what you can do out of fear of others thinking you're showing off. That' was Trixie entire purpose and she did it well.

I'm really just confused. Taken as something showing Trixie wasn't in a position before her coming back to Ponyville to have any reasonable way of knowing more about Twilight and how she might feel its good. Trixie is calling an all-around nice pony who has saved the world and purposefully didn't upstage her earlier a troll and whining about how she was given hand outs while Trixie wasn't, as if life was fair like that. But your inclusion of her somehow knowing Pinkie, who lets not forget has also helped save the world, and having apparently seen more of Rainbow Dash than just the space of two minutes in which all the signs point to Trixie enjoying embarrassing her friends (the close up where she narrows her eyes and her general manner imply she's enjoying it) as well as your saying you like her more than the main characters makes this feel like you're saying what happened to Trixie was unfair. She ran off on her own, she wasn't run out. If she had stayed and told the ponies around her who had just come out to find an Ursa menacing the town as Trixie tried and failed to fight it, a creature she earlier claimed able to have vanquished the older version of, what had happened with Snips and Snails bringing it they probably wouldn't do something like run her out or anything.

I'm really not sure what there is to be disgusted about. She acted like a bitch, and yes it could have been her being a showman(mare?) the close-ups and her expression point to her being mean on purpose. I'd just like to finish with ramble by saying I'm not a Trixie hater. I'm not a Trixie lover either. To me she's just a character who served her purpose and was taken to by the fandom enough to bring back later.

Trixie is not one-dimensional, however, I feel your story is a good reflection of this. It was interesting to read and you did well with it. I felt however the need to give you my honest thoughts on the matter.

2123603 Trixie appeared to have set up shop in Ponyville, and was apparently living in there for at least a day. I would assume that she was going around the town making a name for herself, and so had some knowledge of ponies such as Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Keep in mind, Pinkie Pie introduces herself to everyone who comes to town. Although not explicitly stated, it should be clear that Trixie knows a great deal about Twilight Sparkle, far more than she would have known just from her interactions with the episode (say it takes place over the course of one day.) For that reason, I hoped it would be clear Trixie has done her research on Twilight Sparkle. She is aware that Twilight Sparkle was hoof picked by the princess and “got a free ride.” I hoped it would be clear that Trixie had at least been doing her research into Twilight Sparkle and her friends.

Also keep in mind, this is written from Trixie’s point of view, and expressing a lot of her beliefs (be they rational or irrational.) Trixie is upset about how her life has been going (which actually became canon.) She’s not necessarily thinking rationally. In that episode, I think Twilight Sparkle was behaving completely saintly and was one of the episodes where she didn’t do anything wrong. I think AJ, RD, and Rarity were being absolute twats though. Basically, in my view, that episode came down to Trixie being a boisterous performer. That’s her livelihood though. With little (or no) provocation, AJ, RD, and Rarity all go to harass her. Sure, Trixie enjoyed humiliating them, but they were heckling her in the first place. Trixie doesn’t really act aggressively towards other characters, it’s only the hecklers. Its not even like Trixie made a fool out of Scootaloo just to laugh at her. She made a fool out of a trio of heckling jerks who really had it coming. But, because they are the Mane6, it seemed were we just supposed to support them.

What’s interesting is the Trixie’s life is ruined angle actually became canon. Now, I personally don’t think its Twilight Sparkle’s fault and I don’t think Trixie has right to blame Twilight. But, at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair that Trixie’s life fell apart just for being a performer. Again, just because characters make comments, doesn’t mean I support their opinion. If Black Jack (who is my ponysona and basically me as a pony) where in the fic, he would probably poke holes in Trixie’s story. If Trixie actually confronted Twilight Sparkle, Twilight probably would have pointed out the flaws. I can imagine a rather tragic scene of Trixie becoming more and more desperate to blame someone else, but eventually breaking down into tears as she realizes she has to take the blame, (don't worry, Twilight would comfort Trixie.) But this fic is about Trixie, and only providing her side of the story.

Trixie acted like a bitch, sure. But really, all of the Mane6 act like bitches on a regular basis, with even less reason than Trixie. The characters are actually disgusted with Trixie because she is boasting and we, as the audience, are supposed to dislike her too? And then immediately after, Rainbow Dash comments how she adores boasting and she proceeds to heckle someone just trying to put on a show. Trixie was just trying to make a living. The Mane6 frequently act horrible, and no one calls them out on it. It’s an aspect of the show that I really dislike and that ruins a majority of the shows for me.

Just because I love Trixie (and Gilda, and Lightning Dust, just putting it out there,) doesn’t mean I don’t recognize the flaws. But when characters suffer a disproportionate amount to their crime (if there was a crime at all,) I can’t help but feel pity for them. At the same time, three seasons of the Mane6 never getting called out for all the shit they do gradually turns me away from them.

2123796 I don't really agree with your conclusion. There's not enough evidence to support it as something that should be taken for granted but can be taken as headcanon or part of a story's basis on an individual basis. I also disagree with the assumptions you're making, because they are assumptions. Its perfectly valid for you to use them as your story while I wouldn't.

They were expressing their opinions but they weren't shouting it in her face. The only one to be loud was a single 'boo' was Rainbow Dash. Her general manner wasn't that of a 'boisterous performer' since she started off her reaction by calling them ignorant and then going to on say she's better at magic than all other unicorns. I've seen performances. You don't react to hecklers by saying they're stupid and you're better than them. You do it by showing what you can do and proving them wrong. She did that in a manner which was purposefully humiliating AND she didn't prove her claim to be able to do better anything they could do. She didn't even attempt it, she just used her magic to embarrass them. They didn't 'harass' her until she said she could do better than them and just generally be rude. It just comes off as her demanding respect. I don't support heckling but aside from a single boo from a single pony she didn't need to draw attention to it in such a way. It was a crude and heavy handed method of dismissing the hecklers as well. The best performers are smooth about it and do it with much more style.

I also don't see many performers of any sort coming out and saying they're the best in the world/country. They can say they're good, or they think they are or that they won a certain award but she's baselessly coming out and saying she's better than a third of the population of their nation. She's either being arrogant or has chosen to use a bad style of persona while on stage.

I also think its very, very stupid to claim you can defeat a giant star bear when A) the star bear actually exists and B) you're in the town on the border of the forest full of monsters. What if somepony challenged her to prove it? Its just not very smart.

My confusion about the difference between the character's point of view and yours was mostly muddled by her apparent knowledge of things I didn't think she'd know (since as far as I know she'd just rolled into town and showed no signs of recognising the Princess's student and Element of Magic for who she was) and your stated preference to preferring her to the main characters, but that's been cleared up now.

The mane 6 do act badly often but they do their best to fix it by the end of the episode, they don't run off. Or it was frankly bad writing like with the cake episode. Trixie did run off, admittedly after trying to stop the bear. If she stayed and things were sorted out she'd be in a better situation. Instead she ran off, not trying to take any responsibility. Yes, most of the responsibility lies with Snips and Snails who were complete and utter idiots, but she does have some responsibility for leading them on like that.

Still, I do feel we have both made good points and this has been an interesting discussion. I'm rather in favour of your story more because it doesn't bash the mane characters like some Trixie fans do and I'm not talking just about the heckler thing, with them focusing on negative aspects of a character. I personally think the main problem with the Rainbow Dash being as braggy as Trixie is that Rainbow Dash has friends who remind her when she's being arrogant and she makes claims she can do things she actually can or is trying to do. She never claimed to be able to beat up a giant star bear.

Trixie doesn't deserve hate or such, but I don't particularly like her either. She can be a useful character, although I have to admit I've given her rough treatment in my current story where she plays a small part in it but that's not because I dislike her. I am..neutral on her. My favourite are RD, PP and Spike, who finally got some more love even if one episode made him incompetent. There's some bad writing for you.

Still, overall I salute you for your story and your wonderful reply, its great to get non-rapid defenses like sometimes happen. I think I enjoy your reply and compiling my own more than the story itself. Thanks plenty, I feel I've made my points well enough now and I'm not seeking to try changing your mind.

2124108 As far as performers coming out and saying they are the best in the world, I see that all the time. In Professional Wrestling, you get a lot of boisterous personalities, and they are hugely over with the crowd. Ric Flair and Bret Hart immediately come to mind. They are popular enough to be considered some of the best showman in the industry. But any popular bad guys (Hulk Hogan, the Rock, the Miz, etc.,) all act like this. Yes, they are meant to be the “bad guys” (or “heels” in wrestling terms,) but they are hugely popular because they are fun to watch and they have great verbal skills. Then you have musicians claiming they are the best fiddle players, athletes claiming they are the fastest alive. Trixie’s stage personality wasn’t all that different than what we see (and enjoy) in the performance industry, because it is a performance. On top of that, the crowd was adoring Trixie, so she was doing exactly what she was supposed to do: entertaining ponies. There are also comedians who poke fun at the crowd.

If the identity of the Bearers of Harmony is common knowledge is always a muddled subject when I write. On the one hand, they have been in public using the Elements of Harmony. Beyond that, on a weekly basis, they seem to pull off incredible feats. The “Sonic Rainboom” episode, for example, Rainbow Dash pulled off a mythical feat by shattering the visual spectrum, and saved the lives of one civilian and three Wonderbolts while she was at it. How did she have to apply for the academy after that, AND take their lip? It also seems that Twilight Sparkle being a student of Celestia’s would be common knowledge, simply because Celestia has addressed her as “my student” in public multiple times. And of course, there’s the fact that they have saved the world at least four times, one of which was public enough to warrant a stained glass window in a palace. It’s nearly impossible for me to believe they aren’t well known (unless Celestia makes liberal use of mind wiping spells, which is a theory I have heard.) Considering in the canon, Trixie was shown to be focusing all her frustrations on Twilight Sparkle, I really don’t see why it’s a jump that Trixie learned more about the mare who humiliated her, especially since this fic could be taking place any time within the year span between her canon appearances. Lastly, Trixie was implied to be close to Ponyville, as in the "Ponyville Confidential" episode, they mention Trixie. She must have been close enough that a local newspaper would write about her. Of course considering how popular the Mane6 are, it does not makes sense 1) Rarity hasn’t made a name for herself and is still struggling, 2) Rainbow Dash still has to prove herself as worthy of entering the Wonderbolts, 3) Applejack’s farm isn’t a national tourist attraction and she still have financial worries, 4) any other problem that has even been associated with making a name for themselves or somehow being popular. Maybe Celestia really does mind wipe her whole empire every morning.

While Rainbow Dash did never claim to be able to beat up a star bear, she repeatedly said she could take on a dragon. She then proceeded to piss off the dragon, which was a threat to Ponyville when it was asleep, to say nothing of what it could do when it was awake. She also did it without knowing for sure if the dragon could be calmed down by Fluttershy. Trixie, by contrast, didn't actually antagonize her monster. A couple of twits decided to go anger a giant star bear. Rainbow Dash... oh... RD. I love you, but geez...

2125377 Heh, yeah RD isn't the most cautious of ponies. And you are quite right. I still easily prefer Rainbow Dash to Trixie but you are correct. I think I've just read a few Trixie oriented stories which have turned me off them and I was letting those preconceptions affect how I was looking at your story, for which I apologise. I honestly just don't see what all the fuss about Trixie is. She served her purpose as a one-episode plot and then was liked enough by enough of the fan base she came back. Or maybe they always intended it, I don't know. Although I do think Dash would have kept trying if the dragon advanced on Ponyville whereas Trixie fled.

The problem is I probably see more performance comedy than other kinds in those they tend to self-deprecation or being humorously conceited. I know a number of comedians who pick fun at the crowd but the difference is most of the time they get the person they're using to laugh as well rather than feel put down because its all part of the joke, they know its not serious. Trixie's targets were not made to enjoy her show, just humiliated. That at the very least means she'd be getting a bad reputation among her targets and anypony who is friends with the target which is a bad idea in a small town. I still think Trixie's stage personality is arrogant and not at all one I'd want to watch. She seems rather....sneer-y.

She's much better now thanks to her redemption episode where the amulet pushes her from just being a jerk (I still think she went too far and enjoyed putting others down too much) into being a mind-influenced villain, but its not like I'm holding the character responsible for that. The fact she thought using a magic enhancer would prove she was better just defeats the point of it but that's another issue entirely.

Oh, on the ponies not knowing them, I chose to think of it more as 'its a cartoon and this stuff happens because its not perfect' than "Celestia secretly rapes her subjects' minds" but then I've never been a fan of Tyrant!Celestia. Frankly I want a Celestia episode and I prefer her to Luna. Woops, going off-course,

Err....hope I'm not filling your story's comments with this slightly now deviating conversation.

2125612 I have no problem with off topic comments. I enjoy the conversation.

I... HATE Tyrant Celestia stuff. It was, at one time, maybe kinda funny. It's gotten past the point of beating a dead horse and you're turning the horse into glue. I write extensively about Celestia being a positive influence in the world and am presently working on a fic that shows a very human side of her. Like... get this, she's actually emotionally devastated not only that she was forced to send her sister to the moon, but that she couldn't protect her baby sister. And she's still struggling with the immense guilt!I know! Shocking, right? I actually enjoy poking fun at the Tyrant Celestia stuff. Within my personal lore, there are factions who depict Celestia as a tyrant, ranging from people who genuinely believe it to comedians making jokes. She tries very hard to keep a smile and take it with good humor, but it's portrayed that it deeply hurts, either subtly when she's alone or other characters commenting on how much a struggle it is for her. A fic I am presently trying to get accepted by EQD shows Celestia is an extremely positive light, and her complete willingness to sacrifice herself for the protection of her subjects. She also kicks a ton of ass later in the story.

Luna is my favorite by a nose, just because I though "Luna Eclipse" was the funniest episode in the series, but having written Celestia more, she's a very, very close second. In fact, it might be to the point that the two share the number one spot, and it's more my mood on that day of which I like more.

I don't really think Celestia would mind rape them, it was just someone once offered as a theory. I think what would be interesting is, since the show only focuses on the Mane6, Equestria is actually much more frequently in danger. The Wonderbolts actually are even more competant, you just don't see it.

2125646 That is fantastic to hear and I totally agree with you. I think I'm going to hit the watch button just so I can read that when its up. Or is it up yet? I'm going to check because I would love to read it. I really do think it must have torn her apart to do that to her own sister and imagine her guilt about not seeing something was wrong sooner, even if there were perfectly good reasons why. That wouldn't matter and she'd have spent a thousand years with every single pony she knows eventually dying while the one pony who would be a constant in sealed on the moon, a shadow on its surface mocking her every night. It would be hell. I miss my brother and he just lives in another state, imagine losing a sibling for a thousand years.

Related to that are stories where they have a 'soft tyrant' so to speak Celestia and present Luna as better or something, or just better out of the two. There are a few out there. Unless I really hate a character for some reason and that reason in usually smugness (oh god I hate smugness, nngh, it infuriates me. A Smug Snake/Smug Super, if you're fluent in TVTropes. Its also where I learned the meaning of "Heel" as something other than part of my foot) I prefer to not assume bad about them. I'll be honest I just prefer stories with happy endings even if it takes a while to get there. Unless it Warhammer. I'm all about the dark for Warhammer but its a setting MADE for dark. MLP....not so much.

Still, oh, I want to see this story of yours soooo much.

2125668 Well, I have a fic called The Return which portrays Celestia in a very positive light. A "Big Good" in the world: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/81285/the-return

The one that has more emotion for Celestia is chapter 2 of The Face in the Mirror: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/83385/the-face-in-the-mirror

The first letter is my OC, Black Jack, commenting on what Celestia has done, and even starting to suspect she might be a tyrant. Part 2, which I am writing now, is Celestia's letter of response. I am trying very hard to portray her as very human and give her insights into various things. I think, some times, she might have to be a tyrant, but it's something she does with a heavy heart and only because it really is for the greater good. I can't say when chapter 2 will be up, but hopefully soon.

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