• Member Since 29th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Exilo


E

On the night of the Grand Galloping Gala, Thunderlane couldn't be more annoyed. Dragged to the gala by his CO, he's content to be bitter and moody the whole time. But when he hears a soft melody played by a certain mare, he's intrigued enough to introduce himself to this "Octavia."

She's a nice mare. Sweet and polite, but with what she calls "a roommate complex." Now what could she mean by that?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 87 )

I'm not blaming you, but please stop posting the same story to two different folders. Read the rules of the group please. You aren't the only one, but now every time I see it I am going to say something.

2572262 I'm sorry, I didn't realize. Most groups actively encourage you to post in multiple folders. Also, if you have a problem like this, please contact me via note.

2572318 Good cough?

2572317 Alright I'll be sure to keep that in mind. Anyways, my bad.

2572323

Not as such, no. Check the link.

Well, I always love a good story with development of characters.

I'm going to delve right in.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2572344 OK, just a general post: please keep personal responses reserved to notes. I would actually like it if the comments on this story were for the story so I know what to improve.

Based on a quick glance of your fic, I assume it's a Vinyl Scratch/Octavia ship story. That's great.

That is no where close to this fic. In fact, this is a deconstruction of the typical relationship that Octavia has been portrayed with. OK, the titles are the same, but had I called the story Ballad, Encore, or Intermission, someone else would have been complaining. There are only a finite number of music-related titles. This is planned as the first part of a series, hence "Overture" will be followed by "Intermission" will be followed by "Curtain Call" will be followed by "Encore."

I really hope you haven't thumbs me down or reported me for stealing your idea. Based on a quick glance, aside from having Octavia and the title, our fics have nothing in common, and I am confused why you even felt the urge to bring it up without doing proper research into my fic.

Again, any future complaints, please contact me via note.

Comment posted by SuperGiantRobot deleted May 13th, 2013

2572382 You don't own the title Encore.

I'll ask you once to leave my page quietly.

2572345 Considering the response so far, I'm not completely sure if this is sarcasm or not.

If not, please do tell me what you think. I would like to shoot for EqD.

2572402

This is not sarcasm, I kid you not, but excitment of a book-a-holic.

I'm 1/3 into the story, pretty good so far :3

For future reference, I downvote a story if I feel it deserves it, not to be a dick. I need something a bit more concrete than 'I don' like the title', so don't assume the worst. :scootangel:

2572459 Unfortunately, more than once I have had people down voting me when it's clear they haven't read the fic. I don't mind downvotes, I just want to know the reasons so I can improve.

Not that I can hope for that. Worked so hard on this one and it's already getting slammed, and no one will tell me why.

2572506

You and me both! You should see my new story, it's even worse :fluttershysad: Anyway I added this to my read later so I will be checking it out soon! :twilightsmile:

I must say that I enjoyed this story

.Although, you could add an extra row between when starting in a new row (just to separate it a little).It is more appealing to some people(don't know why).The last problem i have is that you don't mark the change of scenery or longer time passings.

All in all, this is an interesting plot and I can't wait for more.

(this is an example of what i meant when I said 'an extra row')

Alas, Nightwish is singing sweet tunes into my ears and a fine ale is running down my throat, and then I have to see this rating and those comments. It's a beautiful night, let's talk about the story and what I've seen.

I saw this with a 1/2-rating in the section for the new fictions, and somehow this thing caught my interest. Partly by the short description, partly by your profile. Despite the tendency of the ratings I wanted to throw a closer look onto this. Before I've read the first word, I already had multiple points where those two downvotes could have come from. The first thing is the description, that holds barely four lines that are informing me about the actual story. You used the rest of the lines to inform me what you intended with this story, what you wanted to write and what you want the readers to do after reading. All those points could and should have gone into the a/n. Just give me a view into the story and let me decide whether to read it or not. Those points can be dealt with after I consumed your creation.

The second source could be the tags. There is a 'Romance'-tag, the protagonist is Octavia, but instead of Vinyl Scratch there is only Thunderlane to accompany her in the character-list. Some people can be thin-skinned when it comes to their favorite shipping being attacked.

The third source was revealed when I actually opened the story. You chose a rather classical way of editing without empty lines. While this works on paper, the internet can be surprisingly sensitive if you are only separating the speakers with new lines. If there are more than five to ten lines connected without an empty line cutting through they call it a wall of text and are immediately in a bad mood. In your case it's perfectly readable because you have a smart way to keep it clean without using those empty lines. Good for me, less scrolling. But other readers may don't check for the execution of this style before judging it.

Since I am on the editing-track ever-since, let's stay with it. While reading through this sole chapter, I was almost a bit surprised how flawless it was written overall. While the missing empty lines suggest something else (I don't know what weight EQD is giving them), there are only few mistakes in punctuation and grammar. To be more precise, your grammar looks flawless for me. The punctuation had few week-spots, like the first semicolon, what I would prefer to be a comma instead, or your habit to place the period inside the brackets if they are standing at the end of the sentence. In this case, the period is set behind the brackets. Punctuation marks inside brackets only modify whatever stands inside the brackets, that's why you can (if you want!) set an exclamation mark into them without having to capitalize afterwards.

And finally there's the execution of the story itself, which doesn't earn any of the four downvotes that came in to this point. From the beginning to the very last sentence, everything felt just in place, nothing was rushed and you didn't include any informations that seemed to be too much (of which I could learn a thing or two from you...). Even if I am not that much into Octavia fictions, from what I've read so far I can tell that your characterization hits the spot quiet well. Of course she is a background pony without voice, but the character you gave her was developed fine, and the way she turned against the poor Thunderlane in the beginning is completely understandable for me. I immediately felt a bond to her. Also the way you shown her relation with Vinyl doesn't seem to be against the cannon (fannon? I always throw them together...) too much. But again, that's a detail that would require a closer look before a judgment.

Thunderlane on the other hoof seemed to be carried a bit too much by... instincts. In the beginning he was swearing against all the earth walkers, being a rough sportsman as we would expect it from Rainbow Dash. But as soon as he gets into the fresh air with Octavia, he changes into a magnificent gentleman, treating Octavia better than any Unicorn of Canterlot's high society could. I don't deny that a beautiful mare can have such an effect on a stallion's mind, but in my opinion his start was a bit too harsh for that. Maybe that's just me...

Somehow, the part with Jack, especially the fly-off of his companion, seemed to be a little bit rushed. A few more lanes for the lady couldn't have hurt imo.

And as for Vinyl, I only can say that I am glad that you chose the end you chose. Personally, I can't see Vinyl being downed by few hours absence of her best friend, especially not after everything we heard. Yes, the second ending is totally reasonable, but I still prefer the original one by far. It adds a sweet taste of sadness, what I absolutely adore.


I guess that is everything I have to say so far. The rating is definitely not proportionate.


Carpe noctem,
--Chaodiurn

2572684 Yes. Added the rows between the paragraphs. I was editing the fic for that, but I don’t like how it looks myself. I think it makes the text look too spacey. But… *sigh* Four thumbs down… possibly for that…

I do think of other stories. You can probably guess how the story would go from the sequence of titles:

Overture, Intermission, Curtain Call, Encore

But it’s not easy to continue writing when you’re getting slammed.

2572745
Don't worry, at least you are not stuck with idiots that thumb down because of a few grammar or spelling mistakes(without reading the whole story,just the first 3-4 sentences).

I know how you feel, some people just don't wait to see more than just the first chapter or the prologue.

Look at it from the bright side, you have more thumbs up than thumbs down( or more reads or thumbs in general than me.

2572688 Holy Hay, an actual review! In the comments section no less!

I dislike writing summaries, and I dislike reading summaries. A similar point to why I don’t have lines between the paragraphs, I dislike it. But… you gotta make your customers happy. I will try to add a more detailed summary, but I feel the summary should be something short and intriguing. But… eh. And… of course, the shipping. Though, I’ve long recognized if I wrote Orphaloo fics, and shipped Mac and Shy, I would get a lot. It’s just… so hard… Why the buck is a franchise based around love and tolerance filled with dweebs?!

As far as the brackets thing, I base all my grammatical rulings on the the Associated Press Stylebook. It makes it very clear about brackets, so not sure if there are rules that I am not aware of. It’s possible I’m using a different set of rules (the stylebook is for writing news articles, not fiction.) But I don’t think either is technically wrong.

Octavia’s relationship to Vinyl doesn’t go with the fanon, where Octavia is portrayed as hating classical music and Vinyl is her savior. I was aware I might get slammed for having the audacity to do something different.

Thunderlane’s reactions stem from several things. I like developing the conflict between earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi. I would also explain Lane’s reactions as him just being annoyed at being at the party. I mean… I hope it’s clear Thunderlane isn’t meant to be a genuine racist. It’s more… you go to China your first time, and you just don’t know the customs sort of thing… Also, I think he just realized Octavia… is broken, and she NEEDS someone like that. He would certainly act different around Rainbow Dash. My personal views of the three species also influence him. I always imagine the pegasi as being very fiery, very passionate, and living by instincts. So, that influences the pegasi.

I am happy you liked the ending I chose. That went through lots of drafts. Originally, I really sold Octavia’s emotional disgust and bitter hatred for Vinyl, hidden behind a smile and the same dialogue. I changed it to leave it more ambigious, but (having been the Octavia in this relationship) Octavia is crying deep down, she just won’t allow Vinyl to see it.

2572791 It's just... I spent extra time on this fic, extra planning, joined groups, submitted it to groups, got feedback from beta readers. I really though this would finally earn me a spot on the Feature Box. Then to get slammed by it (possibly because the description and the format) just... hurts...

2572827
Sorry for spamming your comment section, but i just noticed that this story has sad in the description.

Please don't tell me that the pegasus dies!! I like the plot and would not like to read how Octavia got her heart crushed (although I already know that something similar will happen).:raritydespair::raritydespair::raritycry::raritycry::raritycry::raritycry:

Don't worry about it this is just the first day, you have a lot more to write and I am sure that it will appeal to other people .Just give it time and don't make us waiting for the next chapter for too long.:rainbowhuh::pinkiehappy:

And can I ask you why isn't chat working and where can i find people willing to be beta readers.

2572802
Well, I don't know how news articles are handling it. But basically, the Penguin's Guide to Punctuation sets the period after the bracket if the clause inside isn't independent.

Grammar Girl wrote: "If the words inside the parentheses aren't a complete sentence, the period, question mark, or exclamation point that ends the sentence goes after the parenthesis."

So, yeah. The other points I can accept without any further discussion. :moustache:

2572880 Thunderlane? No, he wouldn’t die. Had he gotten… a bit further with Octi, maybe, but in future fics I would like to develop them having a friend relationship, and Lane really being an object of support for her. The sad description might be a bit subtle, but the ending, in my view, is chilling. Subtle, but chilling, and heart breaking.

This will be a series of stories probably, not chapters. I don’t know when, or if, I will ever get to Intermission, but we will see.

I really wanted this one to get onto the Feature Box, and now there is no hope considering the time. So… *shrug*

And for betareaders, I just have some personal friends who glimpsed it.

2572745

Hey, I've been doing this for two years, and the closest I've gotten is high sidebar, even considering four of my stories made EqD. Fame doesn't neccesarily equate to fortune.

Hmmm, 2 Likes and 2 dislikes...I MUST DISTURB THE BALANCE

*taps like button*

"YEAH"

I really loved this one-shot :pinkiesmile:

I read this along with another one-shot where Spitfire dies...yeah I was in a bit of a depressed mood when I read this..there was also a third story I read prior to this stories release, though I don't want to delve into that story much, it's about Trixie in the future...

OKAY, back to the subject at hoof, I really liked the emotions expressed in this one and I liked the cute mushy (yes, I call them that from time to time) moments and the emotion that this one-shot raised to me was...a bit more complicated than usual.

I really like the alternate ending and the ending itself. The development of the side(ish) character: Vinyl Scratch, in the alternate ending is really...well, awesome, though I did expect that sort of ending as the one used in the story than the Author's notes...and my reactions to the ending used in the chapter itself...is pretty mixed beyond my comprehension...

I'll give this a

"Read it, it's pretty good"

A following watcher,
-The Watcher

2573579 Maybe I can use the alternate ending sometime in the sequel, though it would have the tragic twist. Vinyl would be breaking down, and Octavia would calmly tell her "Too little, too late."

I'm happy you enjoyed. I really was hoping this one would carry me to the feature box. May still try for EqD, but I just don't feel the same pride in this story I had.

2573634

It's alright to feel pride, it's alright to feel joy over your work...but alas, fate has stricken you down a few inches...I just know you'll rise up again one-day:pinkiehappy:

T.T.F.N.
(Ta Ta for now):twilightsmile:

This was pretty great! Wait, no. It was really great! I did find a few grammatical errors while readingL

He was transfixed, so much so that only when the mare opened her eyes and met his gaze, he realized he had been starting.

I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be staring. :twilightsmile:

I can’t tell?”

Should end with a period, not a question mark.

Vinyl wouldn’t even notice until the rents due.”

rent's

It was really short too and felt a bit rushed. If you stretched it out a bit (maybe even multiple chapters :pinkiehappy:) It would be quite awesome. But keep up the good work! This goes right to my favorites list! :raritywink:

Hey, you may want to check out my story if you have some time, it's actually kinda similar to this one in the sense of the relationship between Vinyl and Octy: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/100686/broken

One more thing: HOW DOES THIS HAVE 5 DISLIKES?!?!? :flutterrage:

2577388 Thank you for the proof read. Changes have been made.

As far as the dislikes... I really thought, and really hoped, this one might finally earn me a spot in the Feature Box. Who knows? People complain about the formating (I dislike putting spaces between paragraphs), people complain there isn't enough summary, people don't like fics where Octavia is with someone other than Vinyl, someone was complaining I had copied his title. I was really hoping this one would be well recieved, now I don't even want to try for EqD since they'll just hammer it.

2577490

Well, some people on FimFiction are just REALLLLY biased. I think people are gutting my AJ romance story because she's with someone other than one of their crazy shippings. :facehoof: I don't think the EqD people will be as biased, do you? :applejackunsure:

2577509 In case EqD is reading this, I'll just leave it at I have had extremely negative experiences with them, many of which have just left me crushed. If you would like to read some of the response letters, I have put them in my blog posts. Or if you would like to talk in notes, send one over.

That. Was. Awesome. Y U make me feeeeeeel...? :raritydespair:

2581835 I like sad.

Sadly, sad doesn't sell.

:fluttercry::raritydespair::pinkiesad2::applecry:

I love this portrayal of Octavia, its beautiful, and its finally given me a voice for her. you know a voice I can use when I read/act out the stories outloud (yes I'm weird like that :twilightsheepish:) I mean she's one of the bg ponies we hardly ever see so people just take their own license on her personality but its always taken upon very lightly and rarely focused on; writers prefering to go more in depth with Vinyl's personality and relationship with her. Thats why I really love how you wrote this, you dig pretty deep into Octavia's personality and give us a much bigger and descriptive picture. I like Thunderlane being in here to, its a nice touch and definitely something that sets it apart from the other Octavia stories, you used him to help expand on Octavia and at the same time showed us your take on Thunderlane.
It's different, and I like it. you took your time weaving the story; it wasn't too fast or too slow, it moved along fine and the dialogue was beautiful. very smooth and realistic, in terms of how one normally speaks. great job on it, although I wish you would've maybe made a few more chapters about Octavia and Lane afterwards. Even a chapter about how Thunderlane reacts to Octavia just disappearing by the time he wakes up; this could turn out to be quite an amazing multi-chapter story, but it also works as a one shot :) The character development is wonderful, though the part by the punch bowl seems a bit, idk out of place?... the transition into it was fine and it gives us a chance to learn more about Lane's thoughts on the whole Gala and how he feels everything is unfair. I think its rather more the dialogue with the female pegasus that makes the scene awkward but then we wouldn't be introduced to Jack and too me I feel that's important giving us a feel to how Thunderlane see's himself in the world; as a big tough guy who doesn't like being outdone, so showing us how uncomfortable he feels being outmatched by an earth pony is pretty important with the development of the story and his personality. It emphasizes how smitten he becomes by Octavia, an earth pony of all things. But I guess every story needs a slightly awkward scene to get things moving and set the stage for something bigger. Like I said before you did a great job with Octavia, I'm not much for OctaviaxVinyl or any of her shippings at all, but the way you showed us how sad she is and hurt she is by Vinyl's "betrayal" it helps us to bond and immediately my heart went out to her I felt bad for her and I understood how she felt. You had spot on, her cautiousness to Lane, I'm glad you didn't have her become like instantly in love with him (cuz that's just corny) it makes her more believable. A lifetime of being overlooked and overshadowed your best friend does that and most people glaze over that or just completely misinterpret it; being constantly used by others just so they can get to her friend is something she has learned, so she'd rather not associate with anyone at all.
I could go on and on about how great this is, and how much I love it, but I'm going to have to stop myself here. Overall amazing job, one of the best MLP fanfics I have read and the final straw that made me make my account. I give you a 4.8 out of 5! :heart:

2591229 Thank you. This was a great response to come home to. I worked hard on this fic, and I am happy someone enjoyed it.

People have commented on the "punch bowl" scene. I am going to add to it when I have more time/motivation. Mai (the pegasus) actually introducing herself and giving her name would be a good start. And I would like to do a part of Jack leaving to tend to his duty, and Lane questioning Mai about her relationship with him. Her explaining her idea of love and friendship might help change his rather bitter disposition.

I prefer writing one-shots, but I also like doing sequels to one-shots or such. I might do a sequel, or add a chapter to this. As I said to others, I do have other ideas for Octavia. Now we have "Overture." Then we would have "Intermission," which... perhaps you can infer what might happen, and I might incorporate the alt. ending into it. "Curtain Call" would be next, and then the finale would be "Encore." But considering this fic's reception, they might be a while off, if ever at all.

EDIT: Added a bit more dialogue to Mai's conversation. May add some more.

2591229

You also voice character's when reading?!

I thought I was alone :pinkiesad2:

Comment posted by Leapingriver deleted Jun 8th, 2013

2693401

Yay!

Too-Engaged-In-The-Story Bookworms.

Or T.E.I.T.S. B-worms... That sounded weird :twilightoops:

(I like voicing angry dialogues... Especially outrage ones :3)

Comment posted by Leapingriver deleted Jun 9th, 2013

2694604

Though I mostly voice mine when it's just a casual conversation... Those are cool to voice:pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Leapingriver deleted Jun 11th, 2013

2698076

I just like hearing their make-shift voices. GO VOICE-OVER'S:pinkiehappy:

2706363

Wait, why're your comments deleted?

2706756
I deleated them. They were not deleated by Exilo. I didn't want his comment section to be full of conversation not pertinent to his story, so I deleated them.

2720721

... Very plausible reason, fellow brony/pegasister.

:moustache::moustache:

I love this story dude, it really touched my heart. The whole 'putting up with a friend because you love them thing'...makes sense. Cheers dude. Have a mustache: :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

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