Chapter 2
I woke up to the sound of birds chirping. As I look around I decide I should stay in the shadows until I know if its safe. Hopping from tree to tree I see a barn in the distance. Upon getting close I hear sounds of people. Figures farmers would be up at the crack of dawn.
I launch myself on to the tree closest and hid myself in the leaves. As I watched I could hear speaking from inside the barn.
"Well Mac looks like were ready to start apple-buckin."
"Eeyup," said the voice I assume to be Mac.
What in Earth is applebucking? I watch ready to see the two farmers when out walks...a pony?!?
Im serious to talking ponies with what appears to be tattoos on there hips come out and start kicking the trees, making apples fall off and I could here a squeel of pain. My poor, poor babies.
Figuring I had seen enough I head towards the town from earlier. Most people were still asleep so I managed to sneak straight into a park in the middle of the town and climb a tree.
With a little bit of coaxing the braches entertwined to where no one could see me and no one could climb up. By now the sun had risen and people... no wait ponies were starting to come out of their homes.
The first that I see is a purple mare with a tattoo of stars on her hip. She comes to the park with a stack of books floating in the air surrounded by a light covering the horn on her head.
Soon after I realize shes being followed by a strange lizard creature that walks on two legs and is carrying a scroll and feather quill, like in the Harry Potter movies. Then they began to speak.
"Well Spike it looks like are experiment on the mass excelloration of electrons in the nuerons of a subject caused by compleye discombobulation is complete," said the unicorn.
"I didn't understand a word you just said Twilight," said the lizard. Yeah me and you both.
"Spike you silly little dragon, lets go home."
Wait.... Did she just say dragon? What mess have I gotten myself into. Later on an explosion sounded as a giant crater is created out of nowhere. Nobody seemed even slightly fazed.
"Sorry everypony!" yelled a voice as a blue pony with a rainbow mane climbs out, oh look shes a pegasus, Im not going to even bother being surprised.
"Are...are you alright Rainbow Dash?" said a worried pegasis with yellow fur and pink hair.
"Yeah Flutters im fine, how're you?"
"Good but I really must be going, there's a poor little bear who broke his arm and I need to care for him, not to mention the beavers whose dam was destroyed in that storm."
I could tell I would like her, she knew the beauty of nature. It was nearly five hours before anymore ponies came close enough for me to here them. Sometime in the afternoon a very fancy looking mare with a diamond tattoo came along apparently scared that shell get dirty wined her entire walk.
After then nothing happened except three kids doing a bunch of random things while yelling 'Cutie Mark Crusaders!' and I was ready to tuck in for a nap till nightfall.
I slept for three hours untill I heard screaming. I woke up to witness a gargantuen lion with wings and a scorpion's tail. It was a damn manticore. It was closing in on those three kids from earlier and I made my move.
Jumping out from my hiding place I charge the manticore from behind quickly pull out my Jō staff and will it to become steel. I bash the beast over the head from behind and it fell to the ground. Jumping to its front I blocked with my staff as it swipes at me.
I grab my bow and launch an arrow into its chest. The blow doesn't even phase the beast. Deciding to kick it up a notch I shoot it with a barage if flaming arrows. Rearing back in pain he begins to fly in hopes of gaining the upper hand. To bad he didn't know he was fighting the wrong girl.
Willing the air around me I shot up far above him. Changing my staff to the densest substance known to man, I hit him with 8,000 billion tons of pure quark-gluon plasma falling at him going 20 miles an hour.
The beast falls down smashing a mile deep crater. I run down to find the creature in one piece and knocked out. Talk about a hard head. I lift up the crator and flatten out the ground. I then form a stone cage around him and send it flying to the middle of the forest.
I check to look that the kids were okay when I realized that about three-hundred ponies were staring at me. "Sup?" Well so much for staying undercover.
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ok kinda curious who gave me the diwnvote and why
IF SOMEBODY HAS A PROBLEM WITH THE STORY TELL ME WHY AND I CAN LEARN FROM MISTAKES
Found some spelling errors you might wanna fix. Also, maybe tidy up the sentence structure.
Example: Sorry everybody!" yelled a voice as a blue pony with a rainbow mane climbs out, oh look shes a pegasus, Im not going to even bother being surprised.
Try: "Sorry everypony!" yelled a voice as a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane climbed out. By now, I wasn't even surprised as this place offered yet another pony, wings or not.
Just a suggestion
First infinite arrow hax, now elven hax? Way too many hax, man.
2079040
once a hax is made it cant be undone
2079040
besides nature powers can do that
2079069
They can! I must learn them and become...
Nature Man!
2079082
the most powerful worst named hero of all time!
Why is this not tagged as comedy?
2080264
because although there are humorous moments its not supposed to be a comedy
Hi there! NATOstrike, reviewer with WRITE here to… well, review. Let’s not beat around the bush too much and get right to it.
We’ll do my favorite part first… grammar!
1) The first thing that really jumps out at me during my quick preliminary scan-through of this story is a problem with verb tenses. There are many places in the story where you jump back and forth between present and past tense, sometimes within the course of a single sentence. For example:
Upon closer inspection, this is a problem that is quite prevalent throughout the entirety of the story. It would be advisable to choose one tense or the other, and then stick with it.
2) Next is paragraph structure. It’s not too bad from the mechanical standpoint; you don’t cut paragraphs in awkward places in the narrative. The formatting is my concern here. As others have alluded to in the comments here, an indented and double-spaced structure is preferable in electronic media. The reason there is no extra spacing between paragraphs in print-media is to save on printing costs; we have an unlimited amount of vertical space here on the internet, make use of it. Also, the indents are not consistent. I would recommend writing without indenting, then use the ‘indent paragraph’ button within FiMfiction’s story editor (that’s how I do it).
3) Punctuation… specifically commas. More specifically, dependent clauses and interjections which require the use of commas. Here’s a link explaining comma usage with dependent clauses, and here’s a link for interjections and the punctuating therein. They can explain it a lot better than what I would do… just roll with it.
4) There are a few instances of homonym confusion. Such as: to/too, there/their
Alright, now that the grammar review is out of the way, let’s take a closer look at the story itself—which is, I’m sure, what you’re really after.
5) After reading the story more thoroughly, I’m sorry to say that it appears you have a Mary Sue main character on your hands. You may want to take a long, hard look at Charlotte as a character.
That is quite the damn arsenal. Probably too much, as it makes your character far superior to nearly anything she may come across in Equestria.
8 trillion tons is an absolutely mind-boggling amount of mass to be throwing around effortlessly.
Also, she gives a manticore a viciously merciless beatdown without so much as breathing heavy, which brings me to my next point:
6) Morally Hypocritical Protagonist:
From the first paragraph of the first chapter:
Besides the obvious questions of how did she do this, or why does the reader care that she did this, it brings up an even more serious problem concerning your character...
From the end of the second chapter:
I’m still scratching my head a bit at this development.
7) The Pacing is lightning fast. We’re two chapters in and I still know next to nothing about the protagonist, other than she’s a hypocritical, OP, environmentalist. There’s no feel for her as a person; at this point, she kind of just feels like a tool for advancing the plot.
Slow down a bit, take the time to describe what she’s feeling, emotionally and physically. If—as a reader—I’m going to invest the time to read a story, I need to feel some sort of connection with the main character.
8) The descriptive narrative is severely lacking. When I read the passage about the avalanche, I had to stop and Google ‘Antarctica’, because I’ve always been under the impression that it’s relatively flat (learn something new every day).
When Mother Nature is introduced into the story wearing a green dress as camouflage, due to the ordering of the descriptions I thought we were still Antarctica. It’s not until the next paragraph that we are told the scene has changed location. Small things like this can really work against the overall flow of a story and break the reader from the story quite easily.
The Verdict:
1.5/5
Is it salvagable? Yes.
It needs work. The premise seems interesting enough (even though I'm not really one for 'X dies and is sent to Equestria'), and taking the suggestions I've left here to heart would likely do this story a world of good. Also, a couple of prereaders and a decent proofreader would do you a great service. If you aren't already a member of the group Proofreaders and People Willing to Proofread, join up and reach out to some of the people on their proofreaders list. Don't get discouraged if a few decline to take on the job, keep looking.
—NATOstrike, WRITE Tactical Grammar Cruise Missle
2085390
epic foreshadowing
I appreciate your input and will take the advice to heart as I work on future chapters, and future stories
It's a little quick,some would say rushed, but it is still wonderful none the less.I am looking forward to the next chapter.
Decided to give an in-depth review (aka asking a load of rhetorical questions about every single part of the story in hopes of making you think) of the story so far, because I have a lot time to kill.
Sorry if I come off a little insensitive, also. Also, I'll put any typos I see in bold.
Usually people use the first sentence to draw people in, to add a spark of mystery that will make people want to read on further. Not that you have to, just saying that you might want to consider it.
So obviously this person is important or prosperous somehow. Does he/she have political ties? Did she make a petition? Is she an prestigious advocate for animal preservation? Is her expedition being funded? Is she with anyone? Is it being televised? Is it for research? What is his/her gender? Who is this person?!
Okay, so it's Mother Nature. Who, essentially, is mother nature in this story? Did she create nature? Does she control everything? Is she god? Are there more gods like her? Is this a multiverse thing, or are they just separate planets? If they are just separate planets, how come the Equestrians didn't discover this planet yet, if they haven't?
Isn't mother nature the master of nature? Are they talking telepathically, or did the tree grow a mouth? How does the tree know who this person is?
Wow, I guess you could say that's a very giving tree.
When did she learn to do that? Hopping from tree to tree is really, really hard, you know.
Do ponies look like real life ponies to him/her?
Wait, was she just sitting in some tree all day? Isn't there a universe she has to save or something?
Wait, where'd the manticore come from? How did she not hear the screams/roars that must have preceded this?
She can control the air now? What constitutes air? If she can control the air, can she talk to it too?
For someone who loves animals, he/she sure wrecked that Manticore. It's almost as if the manticore didn't directly provoke him/her in the first place, and he/she didn't give the thing any time to explain itself or to fully grasp the situation. But that'd be silly.
I refuse to believe that anything coulda survived that.
So there you go, I asked a whole shitload of questions for you to consider, because I have a very distorted view of how reviews work.
So, do I think this story can be saved? Yes, definitely, but I highly doubt that the massive rewrite that would be required will ever come. Word of advice- calm down. You need to add less action to this story and more descriptions and explanations. I've read the whole thing so far and I don't even know the main character's gender yet.
2453869
There is a REASON this hasnt been updated, I threw it out the bucking window and told myself that I shall never speak of this again. I didnt however bring it down please read this it was taken down do to some new rules but I still believe this is a half decent story tell me what you think.
here