Diary of an Aspiring Tyrant

by SugarPesticide

Entry Seven

June 27, 1000 ANM

How is it the saying goes? "Don't shoe your mules before they run"? "Don't feed the pigs before they're hungry"? What connection there is between common farm animals and wise old aphorisms, I cannot hope to guess. Surely there are no philosophers hiding in the dank rafters of barns, witnessing the dull activities below with eager quill set to parchment. Valuable life lessons are not to be found in hardship, but rather in comfort. This fact should be obvious to all but the farmers, I believe.

In any case, the events of the day were as follows. I was putting the finishing touches on my marvelous machine, which I was quick to call the Candycute — the term was put together with "candy cane", its key component, and "execute", which provides the appropriate suffix. Not only is it a catchy name, but it is unlikely to have been chosen for anything previously ... no doubt because its straightforward and purposeful nomenclature would strike terror and awe into wary bystanders.

Just as I prepared to pour the liquid magic over the crushed candy canes, my bedroom door flew open to reveal none other than Mi Amore Cadenza, who was wearing a rather flat hat and a determined expression. "I knew it!" she crowed. "I knew you were up to something, Auntie Luna! Now put down the flask and ... um ..." Her determination melted into confusion. "What exactly is this something that you're up to, anyway?"

("Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." There is the statement!)

"You dare suspect me, foal?" I asked in an equally blustering manner. "The validation of your suspicion does not excuse its existence. Hear me now as I explain, in lavish detail, exactly what this glorious apparatus is meant to accomplish! I trust you will pause in your righteous crusade to hear my illustrious voice expound to you the meaning of the Candycute."

I suppose I should have actually mentioned the purpose of my device earlier in this diary, if only for the sake of clarification. Essentially, dousing the crushed candy with magic would infuse it with great power, activating the device's transformation into a large mobile metallic gingerbread house with the capacity to annihilate an entire planet. Obviously I would put its marvelous power to less destructive use in conquering Canterlot with the Magic of Sugar, which, as the scholarly texts I have perused since my return have agreed, has a wild and unpredictable potency at the best of times and may lead to catastrophe in the wrong hooves. Fortunately it was being harnessed by my hooves, a fact in which I take the utmost pride.

I fear love that I may have extended this information to its fullest in my explanation to Mi Amore Cadenza, to the point of prattling on to her for the space of half an hour regarding the exact physics on which the Candycute was designed to run. Had I not paused for breath at that thirty-minute mark, I might have gone on for even longer, thereby missing the simple fact that she had brushed past me and was now in the process of carefully dismantling my marvelous machine.

"Have at thee, wench!" I snarled, in part to cover up my embarrassment. I brandished the flask of liquid magic impressively, or would have done so had it remained in my horn's grip. Indeed, a quick glance about the room revealed that my niece had already corked it and insulated it in the safety of one of my luxurious pillows, which she had tucked carefully underneath her wing.

"There!" she exclaimed, pulling out a fatal screw. The entire structure shuddered, then collapsed with a thunderous crash into a pile of metal and shame. "Now Equestria is safe from your greedy hooves. I knew you were up to something, Auntie Luna, I just knew it! Mom's going to get you good for this."

"'Tis impossible," I cried, wrenching the pillow triumphantly from her grasp. "You may not know this, Mi Amore Cadenza, but Sister Dearest is a 'just' and 'fair' ruler who will never punish others based on hearsay. To do so would be heresy."

"My name is Cadence!"

Her use of the Royal Canterlot Voice startled me. Could she, in fact, have worthiness for the throne deep down within her pampered heart? The question plagued me for a moment, after which I realized she had snatched the pillow back and was galloping out of the room. I sprinted after her, desperate to get that piece of evidence back. Memory half-shadowed played at the edges of my mind, a time of silent screams as eyes no longer mine stared across endless silver plains. I could not be banished again. My reputation should wither and die first!

Such was my reasoning. Later, when Sister Dearest and an entire platoon of servants found us engaged in our merry battle, I wondered if perhaps I had been too hasty.

"It's good to see you two having a friendly pillow fight," Sister Dearest chuckled, plucking the pillow out of Mi Amore Cadenza's mane. The flask of liquid magic fell from its plush form, and my own magic was hasty to catch it before it was noticed or else given the chance to destroy the entirety of the palace. Fortunately, everypony else failed to notice this. "But maybe a little less roughhousing to go around, hmm? I daresay you've given the maids a heart attack with all the feathers you've flung everywhere."

There was a twinkle in her eye I did not like, so I took my leave as soon as equinely possible with my hidden cargo in tow. I could feel Mi Amore Cadenza's eyes burning twin holes in my back. And why should they not? I had made her into a laughingstock with this discrepancy, which was nearly sufficient recompense for the destruction of the Candycute.

She will try to reveal my scheming again, I am sure of it. I shall simply have to learn to live under the same roof as a second nemesis. Not even spoiled Mi Amore Cadenza has the ear of Sister Dearest, it seems. There is hope yet; my safely preserved flask of liquid magic has assured it. I only now need to formulate a new plan ...

Comments

[Ms_Fruit_Bat]

Oh Lu-Lu, why you so cray-cray?

[Derpy_Dragon]

The Candycute makes me think of Sugar Cube Corner with robot legs and party cannons. Pinkie Pie would pilot it from the roof while laughing maniacally.
"There will be no escape from this party."

[blazikenking]

2843867 I want to see that now.

[khatre]

2843867
Don't forget the Megas style sound system.
80ies rock or wubs .. it dont matter. the Candycute will still need some base

[ForSpite]

Sigh. At least wait until you've activated your doomsday weapon to explain it, Luna. Ideally, you wouldn't be explaining it at all, of course, but I understand the temptation.

[BlueNinja]

Luna needs to read the Evil Overlord list, and not for inspiration!

[AdmiralTigerclaw]

I had to stop mid-entry to find a suitable conglomerate for Adorable and Diabolical.

'Adorabolical' is thus born.

[DerpedRainbow]

Aww, don't worry. You still have eleven rolls of duct tape and a cardboard box. You'll be fine.

[Black John]

I fear love

That's so freaking cutesy it makes me sick. SICK.
I love it!

[Zubric]

Just as I prepared to pour the liquid magic over the crushed candy canes, my bedroom door flew open to reveal none other than Mi Amore Cadenza, who was wearing a rather flat hat and a determined expression. "I knew it!" she crowed. "I knew you were up to something, Auntie Luna! Now put down the flask and ... um ..." Her determination melted into confusion. "What exactly is this something that you're up to, anyway?"

Not going to lie, but this made me think of Phineas and Ferb for some reason