Diary of an Aspiring Tyrant

by SugarPesticide

Entry Nineteen

July 9, 1000 ANM

Despite the pleading and coaxing of Sister Dearest, I am proud to say that she failed to coerce me into the dreary nonsense of the day court again. I told her that under no circumstances would I be required to take the brunt of the common pony's problems for her, nor would I allow myself to suffer the endless monologues of "me, me, me" that so distracted me from my own pursuits, which are of course of far greater importance.

"You only talked with two ponies yesterday, Luna," she said patiently as we strode through broad hallways of more window than wall. "And it seems unlikely that ... what was her name again? Tripsy? It's unlikely that Tripsy will return anytime soon after your nicely-done distraction."

"True enough," I conceded. "But is it not also true that the insanity wrought by an entire day's worth of ponies will easily eclipse that of even those two ponies? How you manage to put up with is something I cannot understand, but I am quite happy to leave you to those devices. I would much prefer to wait until I can resume my sleepless ways. It is more fitting that I lead the night court and not that of the day, is it not?"

"If you really feel that way, I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do." She gave me a nuzzle, much to the confusion of the guards standing at either end of the passage. "But please consider it, all right? I had a whole glorious thirty minutes to myself yesterday, and it would be wonderful to have even that short time again."

"What were you even doing, sister? I find the idea of you participating in that vile sport of tennis with Mi Amore Cadenza highly amusing."

"No, I was only spending some time with Philomena upstairs. Really, Luna, there is no reason not to indulge myself in a little simple resting, without having to worry about anything. You should try it sometime." She winked at me cheekily and strode off.

The reminder of my need to lie in bed and do nothing stung, and for a moment I was tempted to retreat to my quarters and do exactly that. Yet the importance of my goals could not be denied. My proper stature would return to me sooner or later. For now, I must implement my schemes while I cannot be seen as much of a threat.

With the nitroglycerin shipment still awaiting me at an uncertain point in the future, there was little for me to do but return to browsing the library. It is a marvelous place with marvelous secrets, for it provided me with the concept of Nitroglycercute, and who knew what else it might have in store for me?

I happened another massive tome in the forbidden section which caught my eye in its brash glory, all black leather and red ink and hideous green and purple illustrations. Titled So You Want to Be an Evil Overlord?, it appears to have been penned by an accomplished albeit anonymous pony who knew quite a bit about the pitfalls of setting himself up for conquest. True, I may not be evil, but I certainly wish to be an overlord (overlady?), so it is already halfway useful to me. The subject matter is, naturally, intriguing regardless of how the situation is considered.

I immersed myself instantly into its first chapter, which discussed the issues involving face-concealing helmets in the dress code of the legions of tyrants. In all honesty, this was an issue I had not yet considered, for the use of mask-like apparel seemed obvious, and its lack, conversely, appeared counterintuitive. How could my loyal subjects protect their precious faces from the zealous strikes of rebellious forces? Or, of more pressing importance, would it not be more appropriate to strike fear love into the hearts of my foes with the vast armies of faceless ponies?

Yet upon further reflection, the text's point grew clearer. If my loyal fighters seemed too intimidating, they might press my foes into discovering a strength fueled by desperation. But surely there was no reason for me to abstain from wearing such a helmet. Why should I not be adored from afar, despite physical closeness? Empress Luna, benevolent tyrant of the Lunar Republic, would allow only a select few to behold her radiantly brooding face.

I decided to put this idea into practice. Stealing to the garage, I stealthily approached Mi Amore Cadenza's bicycle and claimed her bright pink helmet for myself. The guards seemed mildly concerned at my actions as I retreated back to the palace, but as they made no move to halt my progress, I paid them no heed. In any case, where would they perceive a threat in the sudden repossession of mere headgear?

Concealing myself in my chambers, I cast a mighty spell to summon shadows from the dark corners beneath my bed, weaving them like silk across the lower circumference of the helmet. This created a beautiful flowing veil, which concealed my face wonderfully when I donned the helmet, though my vision was somewhat impaired by the translucent blackness. Of course, practice navigating myself throughout the palace with this obstruction would be required if I wished to maintain any dignity. With all the pride of a lion leading its pride, I emerged again and began my haughty walk throughout the castle, adorned with my latest proud creation.

My first encounter was with an inordinately loud suit of armor. It crumpled before my might, and in my pleasure I marched off past a serving maid, who uttered a strangled cry and tossed her tray into the air in her haste to flee the scene. Two out of two had already spiritually prostrated themselves before me, so it was with the greatest of triumph that I made my way to the next area, with the crash of metal and porcelain ringing behind me.

I next found myself in a dimly lit room, so I still have little idea as to what exactly occurred there. All I know is that I found myself crashing into a wall six times, while the gasps and panicked hoofsteps of those within retreated from my presence. Still my presence could not be denied, so I stalked after them with all the grace I could muster. The veil billowed in my face as I launched myself after the slowest of the lot, who nevertheless deftly sidestepped me and caused me to collide with the door. Shaking myself, I pursued him through out into the throne room. The chase was on!

"What are you doing with my helmet?"

Something clasped around my hooves in an ungentle fashion, swinging me suddenly upside down so that I hovered lightly above the floor. Gravity sent my veil fluttering down above my eyes, and I noticed with no small consternation that it was an infuriated Mi Amore Cadenza who had halted my progress.

She marched me into the dining hall, where Sister Dearest paused in her campaign against a plate of broccoli to watch as we ungraciously approached. "Your sister," she stormed, with the trace of the Royal Canterlot voice still heating her tone, "has taken what's mine!"

"I see," her mother agreed, unperturbed. "Luna, would you mind returning Cadence's helmet to her?"

I sighed and took it in my hooves, pulling it up past my horn in a manner not unlike another helmet I had once worn. "Very well," said I, resigned. "If you truly must refrain from sharing your goods with me, Mi Amore Cadenza, be a dear and do so elsewhere."

That pink princess lit her horn briefly, and the veil vanished in a puff of light. "I don't even want to know what you were doing," she said flatly. "But you know there are better ways of getting my attention!"

"Oh yes." I smirked, trying to salvage some small victory from this embarrassment. "There are indeed better ways, Mi Amore Cadenza ... highly profitable ways."

With a frustrated groan she marched away, pink helmet in tow.

"Luna," Sister Dearest said kindly, "if you really want to learn how to ride a bicycle, why don't you just say so? It would save a lot of arguing in the palace."

I really must be more subtle in my methods, I suppose. Still, it was an educational experience, for it taught me clearly that no number of masks can hide one's own self-respect. I shall take that tome more closely to heart, and it will teach me all it knows. Things will look up, I know they must, but I must admit that I likely cannot accomplish this completely on my own.

Comments

[Obsidian Ink]

Oh lordy... poor Luna, i wonder when she'll finally realize she'd best just give up and go with the flow? (hopefully never, this is hilarious!)

[Meowy]

3131776

I think she sees Twilight as a threat

[BarrenBaron]

Is it bad I more or less see Luna as either Yzma/the Brain and Blueblood as either Kronk/Pinky?

[blazikenking]

3135985 Pull the lever, Blueblood!

[Apocalyptic Fries]

3135985 If Blueblood ever turns-out to have made a signature dish that Luna secretly loathes, my money is on the Yzma/Kronk analogy.

[ActionPony]

Luna manages to completely misunderstand the Evil Overlord list. You really should have continued this plotline, I want to see how No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field larger than my head could be so thoroughly mangled.

Luna really has a gift. No other could miss the point of anything so completely, utterly, and with such lack of common sense, and yet Luna has so far managed to do so twice: chess and now the Evil Overlord List.

[Kage no Brony]

5452685

Consuming large energy fields is out of the question, but a legion of small ones is entirely acceptable.

*kaboom*