Diary of an Aspiring Tyrant

by SugarPesticide

Entry Thirty-Five

October 4, 1000 ANM

Mi Amore Cadenza is a stupid pony.

I love her, certainly, as one can only love a perfectly pink niece. But she has gone too far this time. In her infinite cunning and guile, she has arranged matters so that my downfall might be hastened to the fore. How can a pony be so sly and so stupid at the same time?

Events occurred thusly: I was emerging from the Bat Cave, already frustrated at Micah Jayfill’s stubborn refusal to break upon watching the film Malus Aforethought, when I was approached by Mi Amore Cadenza. She wished to complain about her little talent, and as her dear mother was busy with court as usual, she apparently required my ear in which to vomit her words.

“There’s something odd going on today,” she remarked. “I sense a disturbance … it’s as if there’s a leak somewhere, and love energy is slowly seeping out of reality. Like a hundred hearts cried out in terror and were gradually silenced.”

“It is nothing,” I lied serenely. “You are too paranoid, my niece. You had best be sure that such an attitude does not lead you into a spiral of insanity and hatred, transforming you into a host for a demonic monster that seeks to draw all of Equestria into its own heart.”

She took a step back.

“Do my words of wisdom offend you?” I asked, bristling.

“Well, I wouldn’t say they’re offensive,” she said tentatively. “But you’re kind of insistent that everything is fine. What are you up to?”

“What am I up to?” I repeated, bringing a hoof to my heart. “Mi Amore Cadenza, you wound me. I may be a schemer of the highest caliber, but that does not mean I am ‘up to’ something every hour of every day.”

“And if you think ponies will actually buy that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.”

“I dislike bridges,” I told her haughtily. “It is far more difficult to maintain them than it is to simply burn them.”

“Yes.” Her voice was perfectly even. “Thank you for that gripping insight, Auntie Luna. You’ve definitely assured me that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is happening.”

I beamed. Success was mine!

“Anyway,” she said, “I’ve been looking through this book to see if Starswirl knew of something like happening a thousand years ago.” She inclined her head toward the flashy saddlebags draped over her back. “Apparently not, but’s it’s still an interesting read. Although the unfinished spell kind of gives me goosebumps.”

I pondered on what she was babbling about for a moment, and the answer clicked neatly into place. Of course! That senile stallion had experimented with the forces of nature, unnaturally extending his life from the Time of the Three Tribes to after the banishment of Nightmare Moon. Whatever became of him? I have seen neither hide nor hair of him in the last few months, although there seems to be a wing of the library named in his honor. Perhaps he is dead. That would be surprising, but not a great deal so.

I considered the unfinished spell at the end of the journal, and I grinned. “Mi Amore Cadenza, might I peruse that miniature tome? It would likely be of interest to see how magical theory has evolved since the last millennium.” My hoof reached out eagerly.

She took another step backward in response. “Why do you want it?”

“To read, of course. That is generally what one does upon obtaining a book.”

“You’re up to something,” she clarified, eyes narrowed.

“Ah, of course.” I rolled my eyes. “And you, who have just read it, are undoubtedly quite aware of the many nefarious plans I can concoct with the use of such spells as the Two-Second Laundry Miracle. And Iris knows the havoc an aspiring tyrant could wreak with magic that transforms cow’s milk into goat’s milk.”

“There’s still the Amniomorphic Spell,” she protested, though she was cornered.

“You need not worry in regards to that. My plans do not revolve around restructuring embryos, fetuses, and the like.”

She gave me a skeptical squint. I stood firm. Eventually, she exhaled heavily. “Okay,” she said, and with her magic extracted the journal. “I guess you were there the last time somepony attempted it, so you know that it would be a terrible idea.”

“This is true,” I agreed, seizing it in my levitation field. “The less is spoken of that dark day, the better.”

“That means as long as you have that book, you have to stay away from pregnant mares at all costs.”

I shuddered. “What sort of monster do you take me for?”

Of course, I had no interest in casting the Amniomorphic Spell. The casualties are the least objectionable result of its successful completion. While it is of simple construction, it tampers with primal magic in a manner that is archaic at best, so in this age it is borderline impossible to cast accidentally. I am certain that nothing will go wrong.

No, my plan was far cleverer than that. I waited until Sister Dearest had finished her dreadfully dull court session for the day, at which point I approached her before supper. She gave me a tired smile that nevertheless promised the gentle embrace of sunlight. Somehow I resisted the urge to flinch.

“Sister,” I began, “if there were a spell that might spread a giant web of misery, what would you do to prevent it from corrupting the universe?”

She eyed the journal in my grasp. “I’ll give you a benefit of a doubt and assume you’re not suggesting the Amniomorphic Spell.”

“Do not be dense,” I scoffed. “I refer to Starswirl’s unfinished spell. Surely you remember his warning that casting it before its completion could result in catastrophic consequences? Nevertheless, I fear that … I love that it is only tentatively held together. Given enough time, it could affect all of Equestria.”

“That is certainly possible.” She remained serene, much to my disappointment. “What do you suggest I do?”

“Send it to a pony you trust,” I advised. “Preferably a very intelligent pony who is skilled in magic.”

She pried the journal into her own magic, studying it with a slight frown as she tilted it back and forth. “I have an idea on who you’re referring to,” she said, eyes narrowed in thought. “And it seems a reasonable plan. Starswirl mentioned once that it was a spell designed to affect destiny, and if such a spell might one day overturn all of Equestria, it’s important that we prevent that.”

“Exactly!”

“It reminds me of something else he mentioned not long after Nightmare Moon was banished. He hinted that completing the spell could complete the spiritual maturation of a pony, marking her or him as a candidate for undergoing the Rite of Ascension.”

My smile was suddenly painful. Very, very painful.

“Twilight Sparkle as an alicorn … this is a genius idea, Luna!” She actually danced in place for a moment, so overwhelming was her glee. “Of course some ponies might object, but undoubtedly they will see that it’s for the best. Oh, she has to be prepared for it first, so perhaps in a year or two. The Magic of Friendship will teach her. It’s perfect! The royal family has been so small for millennia; it’s about time we had some new blood to make things fresh again! Thank you for being wonderful, Luna.”

I continued to smile. I could hear my teeth grind like stones.

When supper began, I declined to join Sister Dearest, preferring to retreat to my chambers to contemplate how my brilliant plan had backfired so horribly. Of course, it only took a few minutes’ reflection to understand that all of this was Mi Amore Cadenza’s doing. Why else would she have given me that book?

It was all her doing. I should have known. She is perfectly aware that Twilight Sparkle is the one pony who could ever hope to grind me into the dust for good, given time and experience. With her friends, she is unstoppable. I had hoped to dissolve those friendships with a wise application of rearranged destiny; what I accomplished instead was the single easiest way to collapse every last one of my plans.

Mi Amore Cadenza is a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid pony. Surely such a stupid pony would not notice if a few dozen cockroaches found their way into the blender when she makes her smoothie tomorrow morning.

Comments

[Nothing Productive]

“Sister,” I began, “if there were a spell that might spread a giant web of misery, what would you do to prevent it from corrupting the universe?”

What a coincidence! I posed my door that very same question that one time I was high!

[Daedalus Aegle]

Evil Luna is not Best Luna, but is still a most excellent Luna

[ForSpite]

“Sister,” I began, “if there were a spell that might spread a giant web of misery, what would you do to prevent it from corrupting the universe?”

Probably keep anyone from casting it and burn all existing written copies, I guess. No, no, your plan to hand it to someone to study is much better, Luna.

I do wonder exactly how much Celestia is 'on to' Luna. And I love fear your idea that being cured of a possessing entity doesn't really fix the problems that led to it, since things like being overshadowed by her sister don't just go away (if anything they're probably worse in the modern age, what with her thousand year absence making people forget she existed in the first place.

[ActionPony]

Sarcasm, Luna- do you speak it?

[Beta Bookworm]

4382657 gamer luna is best luna