Diary of an Aspiring Tyrant

by SugarPesticide

Entry Eighteen

July 8, 1000 ANM

I meant to further my crusade in the research of nitroglycerin today, but at breakfast Sister Dearest pulled my attention away with that saccharine coaxing of hers. It would not do, she claimed, to have a princess of Equestria lounge about like a pompous cat while the servants carried out all of the work. It would undermine the meaning of her position, after all, for what good is a princess who does not directly run her kingdom?

"And besides," she added as an afterthought, "such a habit would force the land to transform into a bureaucracy, and I'm sure you remember how much I detest bureaus of any kind. They create more problems than they solve, and in the end there's only a lot of angry ponies without any answers. Change is best instigated by one who has seen and understood every side of the problem, not just those she personally prefers."

"This philosophy is all very well and good," I said dryly after swallowing another forkful of waffle. Waffles are a most noble invention, and I must make it my duty to retroactively knight their creator. "But where are you going with this train of thought, pray tell? Surely you understand that I am not yet restored to my former glory, and am therefore unbound from any serious obligation of political workings until such a time comes upon us?"

"On the contrary! The sooner you resume your royal duties, the easier they will become when you have reached your proper size. Practice makes perfect, little sister. I was actually thinking that you might be interested in running court for the day."

I nearly choked on my water. "Court? You mean your bright and shimmering day court, which you have apparently run unceasingly since my indiscretion? Why should I not restore the night court instead?"

"I was thinking about that," she admitted. "But it seems like you've gotten into the habit of sleeping through the night, and I wouldn't dream of disturbing your schedule."

"'Tis not an error on my part!" I fumed. "I am weakened, and require respite. That such respite occurs during the moonlit hours is an unfortunate coincidence. Nevertheless, I suppose you will badger me until I agree to this ridiculous scheme. Are you really so desperate for a vacation?"

She shook her head, smiling. "Don't think of it as a vacation, Luna. 'Vacation' implies an extended absence, and that will certainly not be the case. Think of it as more of a rest."

"A rest, is it?" I grumbled, eyeing the puddle of maple syrup staining my plate. "And what of my resting? Am I not entitled to an unambitious goal of regaining my strength?"

"You'll only be sitting in the throne, listening to ponies talk about themselves. It's not as if you're competing in a marathon. Just be sensible, and it will be easier than you ever dreamed."

I certainly was dreaming half an hour later, sitting on the great throne in a languishing state with my poor wings mashed uncomfortably against the back. My wish that Blueblood might rescue me from this unimaginable torment remained far from granted, and the chatter of the kiwi-selling pony remained a constant drone in my ears.

"... but Lemon Hearts's stall still takes up exactly two feet of my space at the market, and of course she's getting additional business thanks to her expanded base of operations. Therefore, your highness, I respectfully request a loan of two thousand bits to refurbish my property and buy more supplies for my farm."

"Why do you not request a loan from a bank instead? I may not be entirely familiar with the minutiae of modern-day society, but I feel reasonably assured that in this one aspect things have not changed."

"Well, the banks never listen to my story. Princess Celestia does, and she understands the things I'm going through right now. I've told her this before."

"Yet she is wise enough to withhold any investment. How many times have you come begging for money?" I glanced through the mare's record. "Six, is it? Why did you not discover the futility of this endeavor after the first time?"

At least she had the presence of mind to look properly abashed.

"Hear my decree," I stated proudly. "In the future, you shall not seek any loan for the purpose stated, be it from my sister or any other pony. Instead, you shall approach this Lemon Hearts and, speaking in a quite cordial manner, respectfully request that she remove her goods from your area. If what you say is true, the increased selling space will provide enough of a profit increase to render any requirement for extra kiwi-planting equipment negligible."

She nodded thoughtfully, then rubbed her chin and frowned. "But what if she says no?"

"Then undoubtedly your patience will have reached its end, so you cannot be blamed when you masterfully squeeze the juice from her own lemons into her eyes before the entire marketplace."

Perhaps it was my imagination, but I thought I saw her shivering as she departed. I am not certain as to why. The season is summer, and the chill of icy winds is yet far off.

She was swiftly replaced by a rather boastful unicorn clad in foalish magician's attire. Somehow she managed to drag an entire stage into the throne room, and upon leaping onto its creaking planks demanded that Sister Dearest emerge from wherever she was hiding so that she could witness a show of spectacular splendor.

"Princess Celestia is unavailable today," I told her. "Instead, you may discuss your matters with me."

"How dare you!" she shrieked in a voice so sour that for a moment I wondered if this was Lemon Hearts. "The Great and Powerful Trixie did not travel to the palace to speak with some puny pretender! Bring out the princess, maid, before Trixie blinds you with her magical might!"

"Pretender, you call me?" I snapped, flaring my aching wings. "Grant my visage with more than a cursory glance, and tell me: who is the superior here, little pony?"

Her blue face turned as white as her mane. "P-princess Luna? Oh, well, this is new. I merely wanted to speak with the highest authority of Equestria, not her little sister. Send her out here to meet me, won't you?"

I gritted my teeth. "What you would tell Princess Celestia, you may repeat to me."

She tossed her mane, the color slowly returning to her cheeks. "Hmmph. Trixie doesn't wish to tell anything. She merely wants to show Princess Celestia the wonders of her prowess, as she has done consistently for the past several weeks! When you are as accomplished a mage as Trixie, perhaps you will understand how much she deserves to secure a place in Canterlot Palace!"

The insufferable pony then launched into what could charitably be called a performance. Fireworks skipped across the air, nearly catching several tapestries on fire in the desperation to relay tall tales. Vases found themselves devoid of flowers. Clouds spun in midair, drenching the carpet with their sweet tears.

Several minutes of this nonsense passed before I found my patience sufficiently sapped, and I leapt to my hooves in my eagerness to confront this upstart. "That is enough! Pray tell, what is the purpose in this waste of time? Cease your practicing and make haste with the bulk of your performance!"

She paused in her boasting, a look of puzzlement flitting across your face. "What do you mean? This is Trixie's performance. Don't you quiver in awe at the great and powerful feats of magic I can accomplish?"

I burst out laughing, not heeding her indignation. "You boast of this? This is but foal's play!" I gasped, wiping a tear from my gracious eye. "The jesters of ages past were far more competent in their magic. At no point did they resort to petty parlor tricks such as these."

"Jester?" she snarled. "I don't want to be your jester, you ruffian! I want to be court mage!"

My humor vanished as quickly as it had come. "Listen, you imbecile! Of all the unicorns I have ever encountered, your prowess ranks close to the bottom of them all. Few ponies can impress me, even in this day and age, and you were unfortunate today to be met with honesty rather than kindness. Pack your horse-cart and depart from my sight."

She huffed, undeterred by my anger. "But what, 'pray tell', would impress you?"

"Ask not for specific statistics. It is not as though I keep a list of the most accomplished mages of the land under my bed," I lied. "Nevertheless, there is but one mortal pony whose magic I fear ... I love. Her smallest feats put your most valiant efforts to shame, and to antagonize her would spell utter defeat. You, however, have earned no such luxury. Now depart!"

"One pony?" she repeated, a sly look coming into her eye. "And where is this one pony who dares to affront the Great and Powerful Trixie?"

"She resides in Ponyville, of course, but ..."

I trailed off, witnessing in disbelief as the stage was packed and whisked off in record time. What possessed that braggart unicorn to ask such questions I shall never know, but at the least she has removed herself from my precious mane. At the least I shall never hear of her again.

Not yet had noon come, yet I was already exhausted, so I removed myself from the throne room. How Sister Dearest can negotiate with these common ponies is a mystery for the ages, and I shall fittingly let her deal with such situations. Night court will undoubtedly be less of a hassle, but for now I shall take my rest early. Surely Blueblood will not mind terribly when I miss our appointment of chess lessons. Do we not have all the time in the world?

Comments

[SpaceCommie]

"Then undoubtedly your patience will have reached its end, so you cannot blame me when you masterfully squeeze the juice from her own lemons into her eyes before the entire marketplace."

Oh, Luna.

[Seether00]

Umm.. I don't squeezing lemons into people's eyes is considered an acceptable course of action, Luna. Also, poor poor Trixie. So that is why she went to Ponyville.

[Reeve]

the idea of Luna being indirectly responsible for so many of the mane six's escapades is absolutely golden

[The Great Derpsby]

"Ask not for specific statistics. It is not as though I keep a list of the most accomplished mages of the land under my bed," I lied.

/facepalm
And she probably thinks that's the best hiding place in the world, too.

But eh, who knows? Maybe Celestia really won't look at the stacks of folders sloppily hidden under her little sister's bed, to be pulled out whenever she's alone and lonely. Princess has needs, you know.

[Meowy]

"One pony?" she repeated, a sly look coming into her eye. "And where is this one pony who dares to affront the Great and Powerful Trixie?"
"She resides in Ponyville, of course, but ..."
I trailed off, witnessing in disbelief as the stage was packed and whisked off in record time.

Luna...

[Magical Trevor]

3122117 I admit, at this point, I don't remember if Luna hates Twilight for that, or respects her highly as a mage, and sees her as a potential ally, or if she's a threat to be taken care of later.