Getting up on the wrong side of the bed
You're pretty bleary as you wake up. It's dark, way darker than you can remember your room being. Normally even with your cheap blinds pulled shut there were at least street lamps to contend with. Blinking sleep out of your eyes, you manage to at least get one coherent thought together: I have to go to the bathroom. That in mind, you swing your legs out of bed to get up.
Your floor had been covered in many things since you moved in, chief among them being clothing and used dishes, but you don't remember a solid piece of smooth hardwood being on the list. You reach down to let your hands do some fact checking for your feet, and sure enough it's solid wood as far as you can reach. Not entirely empty though. You feel yourself knock something small over, and you fumble to pick it up and try to identify it. ...A candle? Why is there a candle in here? Oh gross, what was this sitting in? It takes you a moment to realize that the seeming bottom of the candle, as well as now your hands, are covered in some sort of tacky liquid. Feeling around on the ground, you identify a line of it the substance. Feeling that it's not that wide, you stand back up and step over it - managing to step right into some other patch of the stuff. Cussing, you stumble a bit before banging your knee on what feels like an oddly low end table, and by the sounds of it knocking some heavy objects off. Sitting there and rubbing your bruised knee, you can't help but be a little vocal.
"GODDAMN I AM DONE WITH THIS! WHAT THE HELL MAN!" Your sleep-addled brain has, at this point, decided that this is some roundabout, overly elaborate prank from one of your roommates. You've also decided that you're going to acquaint him with the business end of your cast-iron frying pan.
At this point your roof opens.
Well, not exactly your roof as you quickly realize, but a door that was way higher up than your roof should be. As light filters in, you see that you're not in anywhere that even resembles your room. It's all wood, and with the exception of your bed all of the furniture is way too low. Before you can speculate as to why there's some sort of big fancy circle around your bed with candles, you hear a voice from the now open door, speaking in a language that you've never heard before. Looking up, you see a small purple face looking down at you, a horn parting the creature's hair. You feel as though you should know who or what this is, but like a dream that you try to remember, the more you think about it the less you can remember. Blinking in confusion, you look back up. "Hey, can you understand me? I've kinda got a whole lot of questions that need some answering."
The purple creature brightens at this, and begins talking animatedly. It points to the circle around your bed and continues to yammer on in whatever language it's speaking.
"Uh, okay? I can't actually understand a word you're saying. You wanna do charades on this one, or..." you barely start your second sentence before the creature smacks itself in the face. Staring at you, it's horn starts to glow, and it suddenly feels like your ears just popped so hard that someone else should have heard it. More than a little bit painful in fact, and it leaves you crouching and clutching your head with a loud ringing in your ears. As your hearing comes back, you can hear the creature again, but this time you can understand it.
"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! That shouldn't have been painful, that was just a simple translation spell! Are you okay?" You groan a bit, and looking around you see that the creature- unicorn! it's a unicorn! some part of your brain yells at you- has come down the stairs and is looking at you with big, concerned eyes. You stand back up, nodding at her- it definitely sounds like a her, now that it sounds like she's speaking English. You're certain that you know her, and it feels like her name is on the tip of your tongue. "Sorry, this is bugging me so much. Have I met you? I mean I think I'd remember meeting a tiny purple unicorn, but you seem super familiar."
She raised an eyebrow at you. "No, I've never seen you before. I don't even know what species you are or which plane you're from- though I bet I could figure that second one out without too much work. Anyway, my name is Twilight Sparkle! Who would you be?"
You open your mouth only to realize that you actually have no idea. At first it feels like the mother of all brain farts, but as you continue to think you realize that you can hardly remember anything. Deciding to handle things one at a time, you decide you'll need a placeholder name. You're about to tell her that your name is Anonymous before the mental image of a retarded twelve year old at a computer flashes through your head for some reason. Shuddering, you scramble to think of something else. You realize that as you stall, Twilight is looking progressively more concerned. Right as you're about to try to sell her on your name being Mister Doubtfire (again, you're not sure why) she pipes up.
"Would you, ah, mind if I check something? Could you please kneel down?" Shrugging and still trying to think of a better name, you crouch. You see her horn glow, and a moment later it feels like someone is gently brushing the inside of your skull with toothbrushes, just hard enough that it almost hurts. For now it just feels rather unpleasant. Mercifully, it only lasts a moment, after which you let out a breath you hadn't realized you were holding. Twilight is giving you a very worried grin. "Care to share?"
She kicks at the ground nervously. "Well, it seems that your species doesn't quite have the natural resistance to magic that pretty much everything from this plane does. Along with that mental probe being way too easy, it seems that the spell that I used to bring you here-" she gestures to the circle, marred by your footprints "kinda poured a whole bunch of raw magic through you. Anyone with any resistance, it would have just passed harmlessly around, but in your case..." she took a deep breath. "...it seems like it kinda shorted out your memory. It's not gone, just kinda shut down. Uh... please don't be mad?"
"But that doesn't make any sense! I mean, before you walked in, I was yelling at..." You stop as you realize you don't actually remember anymore. Someone who sucked, you're pretty sure about that. Nervous, you look to her. "I was JUST yelling at someone. Why can't I remember who?"
"The more your brain operates, especially in a high magic environment like Equestria, the more it's going to try to hide the part of your memories that got hit. It's like an injured animal hiding a wound from a predator."
You sit down on what you dimly realize is a table, but is the right height to be a chair to you. After sitting there a moment, you speak up.
"So... going home. How would I arrange that, exactly?" Twilight's ears drop and she lets out a small sigh.
"That's fair, I don't really have the right to kidnap you, and I guess losing your memories isn't a good first impression. Let me lock in on where I grabbed you from first, I can send you back after that." Her horn lit up, and you unconsciously flinched a bit. "Don't worry, I'm not actually going to be touching you, just your... well, aura, I guess the term would be." After a few moments of this, her horn stops glowing. "Alright, I'm pretty sure I can trace back to the area that I got you from. I'm gonna open a window, tell me if it looks familiar or not. Don't wanna drop you off at the wrong place if I can help it, after all." Mutely you nod. Stepping back, she ignites her horn again, far brighter this time. You're pretty sure you can feel your teeth vibrate as the spell goes off, and as she relaxes a slightly blurry image appears in the air.
It's the interior of a house, and it looks pretty filthy. Laundry way too wide for you has been abandoned on the couch, and the nearby kitchen looks like an absolute mess. As you watch, the viewport seems to move through the house, going past the various people living there- all up despite the darkness outside the windows. Looks like they're at computers mostly, and your stomach turns with familiarity and revulsion as you look at this batch of people that you're certain that you know. As it comes to the last one, he seems to be screaming himself red at the screen, a vein visible in his neck even despite the blur. As the spell fades out. both you and Twilight are silent for a moment.
"So... did that look, uh... familiar?" You look at her, thinking how best to phrase your response.
"Yes, yes it did. It also looked gross and like there were some real jackoffs living there." You stand up from the table, stretching for the first time since you got up. "If it's alright with you, I think I'm gonna stay here a bit before I go back, if that's okay with you. Like, until those people either move out or die from sheer unpleasantness." Looking down at her, you see that she's beaming.
"You're gonna like it here. Come on, let's get some food into you, then we can see about clothes and a name, Mr. anonymous."
You suppress a shudder.
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The main character should be a lot more angry, even though his home life probably wasn't all that great, the logical reaction would be to choose the familiar over the unfamiliar. This story is in grave danger of being infected with the Barney and Friends Syndrome, where the main character just accepts what happens to him without much resistance even though the normal reaction would be otherwise. We can already see this manifesting in his lack of anger from being ripped from his home world, and the pain of the translation spell, along with the hurried acceptance of a strange creature summoning him.
Alrighty, I appreciate the feedback. I figured having amnesia and seeing a rather unflattering view of where he was from would be some justification for that, but that could just be me.
The idea is more or less that the character (you, as it's a second person story) watched MLP and was a brony back on Earth, but now can't remember that along with the rest of their life. As such, the ponies seem really familiar to him as well.
Second person HiE, eh?
Eyyynope.
2571372
The problem is that this premise has been done..... a lot, so I was trying to offer a fresher perspective. Perhaps you can have a scene where something which makes him angry triggers the anger, sadness and the negative emotions he felt from home and brings back a flood of his memories. Maybe Pinkie Pie bouncing around him and only asking nonstop questions could make him remember someone from the past who was very overbearing. Or perhaps when Rainbow Dash sees him walking with Twilight, she automatically assumes the worse and rushes over, pushing him to the ground and getting up in his face, recalling memories of how he used to be constantly bullied when he was back on Earth, causing him to run away, then hearing Rainbow gloating how she scared the monster away.
You should also make your chapters at least 2000 words long, to be able to better describe the imagery, the scenes, the emotions of the characters.
2574309
I guess I've just got a perpetual fear of winding up writing one of the incredibly long-winded stories that I dislike so much.
Also I suffer from not having anyone to preread my work other than myself :s
2574727 lol why do you hate long stories? If you want, I could be a prereader for you.
2574749
Not long stories, long winded stories. I have some fics I'm reading that have cleared 400k words and are still going, so don't misunderstand and think I don't like lengthy stories! I just get annoyed when people use a page to say what could be effectively said in a paragraph, without managing to add anything meaningful in all the additional space. Add to that the fact that I might be a bit too harsh on myself as to what counts as 'long winded' and...
well, you wind up with short chapters.
Also, gonna be honest, just getting back into writing. Haven't really touched it in months, still gotta shrug the rust off! If you're interested in prereading, I'll gladly throw future instalments your way first before publishing them on here.
2574793 Ah I get ya. Have you read Diaries of a Madman, over 1 million words and still going strong! Actually it would work out better that way if you take your time getting back into the groove of things, since my exams run until the 20th of this month, so I would be limited in time until then.
2574842
That's fine dude, I finished college a month or two ago so I finally have time to get back into this stuff. I'm also gonna try to start up my other story on here, My Little Black Ops. If you're interested in where that one's going, I wouldn't mind shooting you the beta chapters for that too.
2574960 Yep, two more exams and I'll be finished with university. I don't think that other one would interest me as much, never been a big fan of Black Ops, or crossovers fics for that matter.
2574980
I wonder how many potential readers I've lost who made that exact same assumption...
It's not a crossover, and I've never even played any of the black ops games. It's about the Crusaders finding that they have strange and somewhat dangerous special talents, and getting shipped off to "The Royal Academy for Special Talents of Interest to the Crown", and basically trained to be deniable secret agents.
So Black Ops as in the correct usage of the term, not as a reference. I toyed with calling it My Little Secret Service, but it didn't have the same ring.
2575005 I've never played the games either, but like I said, I generally avoid any crossover fics since I wouldn't understand most of the references made in them. Although to be honest, that premise sounds outlandish to me, just can't wrap my head around the CMC being agents lol!
2575021
Well, like I said, it's not a crossover. It's all strictly within the setting, though I may well do some worldbuilding, especially with what I intend to have Sweetie Belle doing.
Anyway, if you're not interested, that's fair. If you give it a skim and decide that you'd be into prereading that too though, lemme know.
2575030 No problem, although I would advise you to try and focus on one story at a time.
Is this story still alive?
2783787
It is, but it's taken a back burner position to a few other leading issues in my life, in order:
1) Moving from one end of the second largest country by landmass to the other
2) Securing my dream job at said other end
3) The other story I have in the works that is substantially better planned out than this one
If you like the idea of space travel but find it just doesn't have enough pony for you, you might enjoy the story I currently have brewing. First chapter is written, I'm just trying to get a bit of a buffer on this one before I start in on it. Like any truly terrifying computer virus, I learn from my mistakes.
I adapt.
I like this story!
Though, he felt it. He could have resisted. Human will (infinite) vs. Twilight's will (certainly not infinite). Sure his brain may explode from it, but most people would say "so?" to such a warning.
4228947
Not sure why you'd assume that human will is infinite, or that feeling it would let you do anything about it. Humans can have strong wills, humans can have weak wills. Human wills have been being broken for thousands of years, either by poor fortune or other humans. It happens.
Also, in this continuity humans completely lack the tools to interact with magic- Even if he can feel the effects, he has absolutely zero capability to make it respond to him. It wouldn't have even hurt him to try to resist, but it would have been about as successful as staring really hard at a door and willing it to open by itself.