Chapter 9
The train ride east seemed like a good place to relax. Trixie reclined in her seat in the last train car and put her hooves up. After the incident in Las Pegasus, she decided that maybe getting out of town as soon as possible would be a good thing.
The empty package of cookies sat on the seat beside her. They hadn’t been the best cookies ever, but, like Iron Will had said, they were good for snacking. Trixie felt comfortably full and was considering a nap.
Before leaving town, she hadn’t gotten her machine gun reloaded, but that was less of a problem. It would be a quick trip back to Ponyville on the train and Trixie wasn’t expecting trouble.
It’s always the little things like errant thoughts that tempt Fate and make it rub its hands gleefully together and cackle in delight at ruining your day. Actually, that’s a metaphor. As Iron Will could tell you, Fate is an intangible concept that couldn’t do any of those things.
Still, tempting Fate is exactly what Trixie had done, and while Karma tried to intervene with the argument that she didn’t deserve any more trouble, Fate tag-teamed with Irony and set an evil plan in motion.
The next stop on the train route was Dodge Junction. Trixie had been almost asleep when she felt the train begin to slow down. Some ponies got off the train and some ponies got on. The train started to move again and Trixie tried to go back to her nap.
The upcoming station was Appleoosa, about half an hour away. Trixie was just starting to drift off to sleep again when something poked her in the side. “Give me your money.”
A unicorn stallion wearing a black cowboy hat stood there with a knife pointed at Trixie. Her M60 was sitting upright in the seat beside her and with a flick of her magic the buttstock cracked the stallion between the eyes. He stumbled backwards, dazed.
Trixie knocked his knife away and pushed him to the floor. “No, you give me your money.”
“Yes ma’am!” squeaked the pony. Somewhere, Fate watched the scene in confusion while Irony rolled on the floor laughing.
Trixie took a bag of bits from the stallion. “What made you think it was a good idea to get on a train and rob ponies?”
“Well, we were going to get off in Appleoosa and run away,” he explained.
“We,” noted Trixie. “Where are the rest?”
“They’re in other train cars.”
Trixie nodded. She was reluctant to get involved, but either way it looked like she wouldn’t be getting that nap now.
The train crossed a bridge and Trixie hurled the stallion out the open window. He landed with a splash in the water of the river below. Picking up her gun, Trixie started forward into the next car.
She conveniently found the next robber holding an elderly mare at knife point. Trixie clubbed him on the back of the head and he dropped like a sack of potatoes. Stepping over the unconscious pony, she advanced again.
A pegasus with blades on his wings was hovering around the inside of the next car, menacing various ponies. A gigantic blue minotaur seized him by the throat. “Try to steal my stuff? Things are gonna get kinda rough!”
Iron Will hurled the pony towards the other end of the car. That just happened to be where Trixie was standing. She smacked the incoming pony like a batter being tossed a pitch. The pegasus crashed out the window.
Iron Will blinked in surprise. “Oh, hello Trixie.”
She nodded. “Iron Will.”
He crossed his arms casually. “So what brings you to, ah, wherever it is you’re going?”
“Ponyville. I'm going home.”
“Oh. Iron Will is getting off in Fillydelphia.” He shrugged. “Seems like a long way to ride with train robbers.”
Trixie nodded. “I agree. Let’s take care of them.”
Fate and Irony were elbowed aside by Badass.
The mare and the minotaur stepped into the next car. Trixie casually tossed the robber they encountered to Iron Will, and he bodyslammed the pony to the floor. “Two on one; it’s more fun!” Trixie had to agree with that.
The next criminal was tennis-balled between Trixie and Iron Will for a few rounds before falling unconscious all on his own. Iron Will opened his mouth to utter a catchphrase but didn’t manage to come up with one. He shrugged. “It doesn’t work every time. Iron Will was trying to somehow work in a reference to tennis.”
“You got served?” suggested Trixie.
He grinned. “Close enough.”
They cut a swath of destruction through the criminal ranks all the way up to the front of the train. Waiting for them was a rough-looking unicorn that was holding the train conductor hostage. It was pretty obvious from the scars on his body that he was no stranger to violence.
Whoever the stallion was, he also seemed smarter than the other robbers. Having heard the violence coming towards him from the other train cars, he had protected himself with a hostage.
“Don’t take another step or he gets it,” the pony growled, holding a knife at the conductor’s throat.
Trixie and Iron Will stopped. The train began to slow down for the Appleoosa station. If they let this pony get off the train, he would be much harder to track down later.
“What are you thinking?” Trixie quietly asked Iron Will as they stared the pony down.
Iron Will considered that. “Hostage crisis? Take away the knifesis.”
“That was kind of a weak one,” she chided.
He shrugged. “Iron Will’s point stands.”
The two of them walked slowly forward. “Not one more step!” snarled the unicorn, jerking the conductor to add emphasis. Trixie took a mental snapshot of the scene in front of her as Iron Will shuffled sideways to block her from view.
Most unicorns could not use magic on things they couldn’t see. Twilight Sparkle could, and she had tutored Trixie a little bit in the art. Going by what she remembered, Trixie’s horn glowed. Iron Will’s bulk blocked the magic from view so the criminal stallion wouldn’t suspect anything.
With a jerk, Trixie pulled the weapon away. Iron Will ducked as the knife split his hair when it went zooming overhead. Trixie may have put just a bit too much force on it.
Undeterred, Iron Will grabbed the criminal and held him down in a faceplanted position until the train stopped. It blocked some of the pony's rough language. Once in Appleloosa, it did not take much to summon the town sheriff, Silverstar.
The lawpony was very surprised. “Are you aware that you just captured Stabby Hooves, the most wanted crook in the west?”
Trixie had heard the name before. With a moniker like that, it was hard to forget.
There was a reward for his capture. Trixie and Iron Will split the money between themselves. Badass nodded in satisfaction with a job well done. Everypony except Stabby Hooves was happy.
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Stabby Hooves... Tell me he's not related to Derpy.
I don't know why but "Stabby Hooves" made me laugh.
2455730 *nods soberly* He's the black sheep of the family, they don't talk about him much.
Also I suspect fate may still be a touch miffed.
And in the end, Comedy returned to wrap up the narration.
2455797 Ahh... Stabby... You know, he used to be a medical student? Wanted to follow in his Uncle's hoofsteps. Sadly, though, he just couldn't take the pressure and went insane. His real first name is actually "Tender."
2458588 *nods sadly* Maxwell went the same way. He looked up to Tender so much, when he left...it was like something broke inside him. He picked up that silver hammer trophy and it was like something switched off in his head.
2458916 *shudders* Yeah, do you remember Flimsy and Strong, the wonder twins of the family? It still haunts me to this day when I think about how they died... Teleporting into a wall?
And then, their father, Sticky Hooves, he just... He just...
*chokes back a sob*
Why did he put a plaque beneath their heads?!
2459377 *Takes hat off and presses it to her chest* They were so young and so beautiful.
*puts an arm around and hugs gently* There there, we all have to grieve in our own way. As well remember they were posthumously given those awards for helping advance the medical science in the field of spontaneous teleportation. I'm sure many an over eager young colt or filly is walking around today thanks to them.
2463734
Unfortunately, Derpy is the only sane member of the Hooves family. And what a gruesome death Scaredy Hooves had. Falling into a pit of lava after her brother pushed her off of that cliff. Luckily, though, Derpy had thrown muffins at the murderer to make him fall as well.
2464003 Shifty Hooves is still the worst, in my case. Always stealing people's shit.
...
... Literally...
2464114
Want to know what their mother is thinking right now?
Mama Hooves: "Why, oh why, did I have all them foals?"
2464170 "... An' why did I have them with mah cousin, Tipsy Whooves?"
2464239 In her defense nopony had told her about the hyperfertility curse Discord had cast on the family...Or how the princesses had only succeeded in causing it to only manifest among first cousin couplings.
She never should've believed him when he said the reason he wasn't at the reunions was because he was such a distant cousin *Shakes head sadly*
(TnaB I'm so sorry we've taken over the comments like this but thank you for being such a good sport. I may or may not be planning on getting a family hooves commission...)
2465944 Right you are, my friend... Right you are...
( Should we be writing a fic about the Hooves family? I think we've covered enough of them.
2465944>>2465980 You should be writing this fic. The two of you plus me for editing would be great.
2466183 I wouldn't mind that, but I gotta finish the one-shot that's due by the end of the month. I want to finish it before then, y'know.
Best train robbery ever.
2466251>>2466183 I'll totally help brainstorm as long as I'm not expected to string sentences together prettily.
Are you game folks?
2471711 I can string sentences together rather efficiently.
2472302 *Squee* Now the hard questions, do we want this to be mawkishly comedic or actually tragic? I'll throw up a gdoc and pm you the link.
2472587 .... Could we even do something not-satirical with me on board?
Stabby? Really.
Wait, you can be arrested for being gifted at something you don't lke in equestria, like fighting.
I mean, what if your named something to do with rape and your cutie mark is rape.
A crime will be displayed for all to see
......
6032818
Well first off, if your cutie mark is rape that implies that you had to rape somebody to get it and would therefore be arrested for the actual rape rather than your cutie mark.
On the off chance you somehow managed to get a cutie mark like that without actually commiting the crime— and somehow knew what it meant anyway— nobody would know what it actually meant aside from you. If they did know you'd probably be the but of a few jokes at best and shunned for something you couldn't control at worst. Probably not arrested.
Of course, if you're name had a direct relation to the crime in question, you'd probably disliked just for that if it accompanied your cutie mark as well.
As The Thing might say,