• Published 23rd Feb 2013
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The Adventures of Trixie if Her Father Was a Badass Alien - totallynotabrony



After some irresponsible age spells, radiation exposure, and adoption, Trixie is...changed. Rated M for machine gun.

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Chapter 3

The hot dusty air of the desert felt heavy on Trixie’s face as she slogged through loose sand on her way to the railroad tracks. At first, leaving Fort Horse to the west seemed like a good idea. She had no idea what Starburst was doing in town and had decided not to find out.

The desert was not a pleasant place. Out here, there was nothing to grow and few ponies living in the area who wanted their weather delivered. No pegasi ventured into the heat and cloudless skies.

Trixie took a sip of water. She’d applied a basic rain repellent spell to the inside of her hat and was using it to carry water. As it turned out, the canyon walls were great for vert skateboarding, and she’d ended up carving a path quite a ways down the gorge. When she finally ran out of speed, the river at the bottom of the canyon provided an inviting place to get a drink and prepare for the next leg of her trip.

According to a railway system map, there should be a flag stop along the tracks somewhere. It was used for merchants and the meager number of locals that lived in the desert. It was not a real station, but had facilities for refueling the steam locomotives, including a water tank. If Trixie’s calculations were correct, she should be able to make the journey without trouble.

The loose sand had long ago rendered the skateboard useless and she slung it on her back with the M60. Trixie continued to plod along, careful not to spill the water she carried. The constant—though small—amount of magic she used was beginning to worry her slightly. For a while, Trixie traded off by carrying the inverted hat in her mouth.

She’d taken her medication earlier in the day and was thinking perhaps that another pill might be a good idea. Zecora hadn’t said if the dosage should be proportional to the amount of radioactive magic used, but Trixie was sure that more wouldn’t hurt her. It would cut into her dwindling supply, however.

Trixie had just about convinced herself to pop a pill, when she spotted something shiny in the distance. It was difficult to make out, but was on her intended path, so she kept walking forward. A few minutes passed. It looked like some sort of vehicle.

With a start, Trixie realized that it was the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. She couldn’t fathom what in the world it was doing out here. After checking her machine gun, Trixie cautiously advanced.

The Flim Flam Brothers were resting in the shade of their machine, looking disheveled and anxious. They both glanced up when Trixie came into view. Her appearance instantly changed their mood.

The two stallions got up energetically and launched into a song that was marred by their dry, scratchy throats.

I’m Flim, he’s Flam and we’re two of a kind.

I’ve got the looks, he’s got the mind.

Could you help us out, we’re in a bit of a bind.

We’ll reward you with our efforts combined.

“What exactly would that reward be?” asked Trixie. As the two stallions grinned, she added, “And don’t say sex!”

The Brothers looked crestfallen. “We…um,” struggled Flim, his voice dry and rough.

“Uh…” added Flam, rather unhelpfully, swallowing hard in an attempt to cure his parched throat.

Trixie looked back and forth between the two of them. “Nevermind. What seems to be the trouble with your machine?”

“We have a bit of a fuel problem,” explained Flim.

“There seems be a certain quality it’s lacking,” added his brother. “Or rather, it’s the quality of being lacking in general.”

“You’re out?” asked Trixie after a moment to translate in her head.

“Well, more like we’ve simply left our supply in the last town,” explained Flam.

“Along with our monetary finances,” amended Flim.

“You’re too poor to afford it,” said Trixie flatly.

“We…er…” They hung their heads. “Yes.”

Trixie was not one for charity. In her previous life as a showmare, she had never really possessed anything she could give away. In addition, giving the Brothers money out here in the middle of the desert wouldn’t do them any good.

However, Trixie doubted even Valiant would just leave them out here to die. She sighed in resignation. “Come on. I’m headed to the next train station.”

Trixie swore the two of them almost burst into another song, but couldn’t summon their voices. She begrudgingly gave them some water. Her hat was empty before she managed to get it back.

Flim smacked his lips. “That sure hit the spot.”

“Indubitably,” replied Flam.

Trixie placed the soggy hat back on her head. She was rather cross for not getting a drink before the water disappeared, but pleased to have a nice damp hat to combat the desert heat.

The two stallions recoiled at the sight of her wearing the hat. “Trixie! What are you doing here?”

For her part, Trixie wasn’t sure if they were suffering from hallucinations that prevented them from recognizing her without the hat, or if the Flim Flam Brothers were just rather stupid. She rolled her eyes. “Clearly, I’m saving your lives.”

The Brothers glanced at each other in confusion.

“No evil magic?” asked Flam.

“No hostage taking?” inquired Flim.

“No freaky mutant tomfoolery?”

“No mare-on-mare action?”

They looked rather hopeful at that last one. Trixie gave the Brothers an impatient look. “No.”

She turned and kept walking towards the railroad. After a moment, Flim and Flam followed along.

“So, ah…” began Flim.

“You aren’t really what we expected,” finished Flam.

“Good.” Trixie kept walking. By some small miracle, the Brothers remained silent for the next few hours. The three of them eventually reached the small junction where a water tank and coaling chute were positioned. A few ponies were already there, waiting on the train.

The three new arrivals helped themselves to a drink and settled in to wait for the next train. Flim and Flam kept glancing at Trixie, but were apparently still too intimidated to speak.

Trixie mulled over the problem of Starburst for a while. Long-running grudges had kind of been Valiant’s thing, not hers. While she wasn’t nearly as murder-prone as he, Trixie made the decision that if she saw Starburst a third time, then it might be wise to start working on a plan to take the grey unicorn out of the picture.

While the Flim Flam Brothers had been slow to recognize her, Trixie wondered if they knew other ponies in the show community. Getting their attention, she asked.

“Although salesponies and magicians typically don’t interact, I do believe we’ve heard of Starburst,” commented Flam.

“Word does get around,” agreed Flim.

“Terrible presentation.”

“Horrible choice of colors.”

So they had actually met her, thought Trixie. “What else do you know about Starburst?”

“She’s kind of pushy,” recalled Flim.

“And not just in bed, added Flam.

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Do you know any reason why she would want to challenge me to a magic duel?”

The two stallions traded glances. “Aren’t you the pony who Princess Luna sent to low planetary orbit after collaborating with the Crystal King and burning down parts of Ponyville, but you came back and attempted revenge by holding the entire town hostage, kicking out Twilight Sparkle, and engaging in robot combat?”

That was a surprisingly specific accusation, but it was also true. Trixie nodded.

The Flim Flam Brothers glanced at each other again. “Then we have no idea why Starburst would have a death wish about trying to fight you.”

Trixie had noticed that it didn’t really matter which one of them was speaking and had mostly stopped bothering to remember who was who.

They all sat there for a while longer before the train appeared. During that time, the Brothers put on a demonstration for everypony at the station to promote a miracle product called Snake Oil. While most of their claims for its use were bogus, Trixie discovered that it was actually an effective lubricant and bought some to oil her gun and skateboard wheel bearings. By the time the locomotive came to a stop the two stallions had collected enough money to pay for tickets.

As the train departed, Trixie got a seat as far from them as she could and drifted off to sleep as the passenger car rocked gently on the rails. Hours later, she woke up as the train began to slow down for arrival Mustangeles, a city in southern Gallopfornia.

Trixie had never been to the city before, but knew enough about it. There was such a mix of ponies living there that none of them would look twice at her purple hat and cape. She had decided to spend a day in Mustangeles before heading north for San Bransisco. The hills in the northern city would be excellent for speed skating.

Outside the train station, Trixie mounted her board and kicked off. The sidewalk was crowded, but she was able to keep up with pony-powered traffic in the street.

Down at the end of the block, the line of vehicles came to a stop at a red light. Trixie paused to have a look around. There was a billboard a little further down the street which she gave a cursory glance and suddenly snapped back to. It was a picture of Starburst. A line of text read Have you seen this pony?