Finite

by Blue Blaze {COMET}

Chapter 1: End

It was the end of the world.

The ruins of Canterlot were crumbling on itself. It wasn't long before the supports holding the city stable on Canter Mountain would crumble under intense weight. Tall building, once proud and mighty, were now a heap of crushed concrete and stone. Entire blocks completely disappeared under the influence of evil forces, exposing the rotting sewage underneath the tarmac. Streets that were once teeming with life were now utterly wrecked, making it nigh impossible to traverse the once beautiful Equestrian capital. Remnants of carts and surplus were scattered beneath the wreckage of what used to be the marketplace. Even after thirty gruelling minutes after the attack, the dust was still settling over the deserted state. Thankfully, most of the ponies had been escorted out of the city by the royal guard though the old Equestrian tunnels, and found safety in emergency camps at the base of the mountain. However, those that failed to follow the evacuation were not so lucky.

The attack was swift and unexpected, a deadly combination for the pony race. It all started miles away from Equestria, where the remnants of King Sombra were somehow brought together and fused, reviving the once dead evil ruler. With his newfound strength, he brought down the Crystal Empire, despite the power of the Crystal Heart and the Crystal Ponies. His dark energies were sent forth into the peaceful pony kingdom, where Princess Luna sensed something wrong in the Arcane Rift. Her suspicions were right when later that fateful day a messenger told them of the Crystal Empire's fate. Shocked, both Princesses readied the Equestrian Army, which hadn't been used in a century, as well as sent a squadron of guards to secure the embodiments of the Elements of Harmony and send them to the capital. Before the main six could even get there, Queen Chrysalis launched a surprise attack on Canterlot, crippling much of the city. Without the power of love from Prince Shining Armour and Princess Cadence, they had no effective defences. Twilight arrived at her hometown in shock to see it partially in ruins before they had a chance to act.

It was a perfect storm. The chaos during the invasion allowed Discord to break out of his prison and join the havoc that was Canterlot. He caused as much destruction as ten-thousand changelings have caused. With their goal in mind, the main six rushed to get to Castle Canterlot. But the villains knew better. They were smart. They did the only thing that would prove absolutely fatal to the kingdom: separate harmony. Twilight quickly lost sight of the others while running through the castle gates as Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy went into hiding and Rarity and Pinkie Pie fell to the depths of the Crystal Caverns underneath the great city. Not even half an hour later after the initial attack and the capital was without a doubt lost.

Then it happened. As much as Princess Celestia fought for her ponies and her land, she was helpless as she watched the combined powers of Queen Chrysalis and Discord turn her sister into the Nightmare once again. The three of them quickly overpowered the sun goddess, without the ponies below even getting a lick of sense what was transpiring in the castle. Once they locked her royal highness in her own ball of burning mass, the three continued to stomp what was left of the biggest city pony history has recorded.

The rest of Equestria wasn't so lucky either. Entire cities were wiped out with one order from Queen Chrysalis or Nightmare Moon. Manehattan was not a mere shell of the glory it once held. Ponyville ceased to exist after what kind of sick, twisted things Discord did to it. The Crystal Empire was once again being enslaved by the same ruler that enslaved it a millennia ago. Non-populated areas of Equestria were either on fire, dried up under the influence of Sombra's life-sucking crystals or had wild beasts ravish the area in a rage. One by one, the pony species was slowly getting endangered.

In a refugee camp south of Fillydelphia, a total population of 50 000 ponies huddled up to make a small settlement, consisting of many tents. Royal guards that were present in the camp were stretched out to their maximum, keeping post on all eight directions of the compass. Family members were shouting out for their kin, having been separated during the confusion of the raid. Hunger and thirst dominated the crumbling species. There was not enough food. Not enough clean water. Every single positive thing was crushed into little tiny bits by the four forces that continued to wreck havoc across the land.

Some ponies lost hope. Some ponies gave up. Some ponies already kicked the bucket in despair. But a very few selection of ponies held on. They looked forward and upward, believing that sometime soon, they would be saved by a force not known to ponykind. They were looking up to the sky, hoping that Princess Celestia would appear to shine light on the situation. Some believed that the Elements of Harmony would suddenly appear to save the day.

Some, prayed for a hero to appear.

-----

During the attack, most sane ponies bolted out of Canterlot Castle. The various chefs, maids and messengers ran for their lives as soon as Nightmare moon blew a hole in the west castle wall. Now it was an eerie place because of its sudden emptiness. The bright white walls were tinted with dust and dirt, the cobblestone floors ruined from all the destruction. The beautiful coloured windows that once sat in the throne room were all shattered, a very symbolistic act for the fate of Equestria. Some halls completely caved in, trapping anypony who made a wrong turn. The prisoners of the dungeons, to their joy, were mysteriously released by a black mist. Their newly acquired freedom was crushed when the Queen of the Changlings grabbed them to add to her army. A harsh cold wind blew through every sort of crack and crevice of the stone, chilling the location something fierce. The once bustling building was now a wasteland of near extinction. No pony was to be seen miles around the fallen landmark. No living creature with a lick of sense left would even dare try to traverse the danger that was held inside.

No pony, save for one.

Running for his life, a brown stallion raced down the halls with unbelievable speed. He turned every corner without error, keeping his momentum through the bend. Every chair, table and door that stood in his way were simply blasted aside with his pure physical strength. Fallen debris were no match for his strong set of racehorse legs, leaping over the obstacles like a professional athlete. Although his breath was laboured, he continued onward, not for his goal, but for his life. A large swarm of changelings were chasing him at an even pace, their wings rapidly buzzing in the air. The earth pony could count dozens and dozens of them hunting him down, chasing until he ran out of breath and could sprint no longer. He had to keep running. He just had to.

He reached the outermost corner of the castle to find most of the wall missing from its place. Through the hole it left he could see the smouldering remains of Canterlot, and what was left of it. Ignoring the appalling sight, he took a harsh left before the fury behind him could catch up. Suddenly, large gaps appeared in the floor, dropping off to a pile of rubble dozens of meters below. Falling was not an option. Taking a deep breath, he calculated the trajectory of his jump with his speed and angle. As he reach the edge of the floor, he launched himself, soaring over ten feet of nothingness before landing square on a patch of floor that was still holding up. Like a mountain goat, he leapt from his spot just as the stone beneath his hooves began to crumble. He landed with all four hooves on his next target twelve feet away. Keeping velocity, the brown pony jumped from ledge to ledge, finding proper footing and continuing on his path. He could still hear the loud rush of Changlings right on his back.

For the first time in long, he laughed. He was beating the savage insects! A mere earth pony like himself, with no wings or magic to assist him, was beating a swarm of fifty! He was winning! A mortal, against all odds, was playing the cards correctly onto the table. For once, it seemed like life was going his way. Reaching the end of the hopping section, the nameless one landed a perfect ten on the strip of floor. With no time to congratulate himself, he dashed forwards while hugging the wall as it slowly curved left. Taking a good look ahead, he realized that once again the ground was missing, and in its place was a gaping hole that was at least fifteen feet across. He burned a burst of speed, readying his legs for the quickly approaching obstacle. Within moments he reached the end of the rope, and with all his might, took off the cobblestone.

He soared. What seemed like an impossible jump was now made all too easy with the kind of hang time that the earth citizen managed to create. Without a doubt he was going to match the gap, easy-peasy. He shouted in excitement, the thrill of adrenaline flowing through his veins. There was no was that life could stop him now. He was free as a bird. It reminded him of the time that gained pegasus wings and soared through the heavens, visiting the various Pegasus cities. But this time, he didn't need Pegasus wings. All he needed was his own willpower. He gleefully allowed himself to fly as necessary, taking the wind beneath his metaphorical wings and letting it flow through his messy brown mane. The refreshing cool breeze was inhaled through his lungs, rejuvenating his circulatory system with new fresh air. After a moment, he took a break from admiring his adventure to open his eyes a tad.

What shocked him the most was a sudden cloud of cotton candy floating up from the depths.

"WHAT???" he screamed before landing in a sugary mess. His mouth was filled with the delicious taste of solidified corn syrup, melting in his mouth as he took it in. However, a distinct sourness was present in the taste. He pulled his face out from the mess and stuck out his tongue, not wanting to have gotten a taste test in the first place. The panicking stallion flailed his hooves about, trying to break free of the sticky substance. After struggling for a second or two, he deemed it to be of no use. He was stuck to the material whether he liked it or not.

A low chuckle to his right grabbed his attention. Tilting his head, he watch as a ungodly figure rose from somewhere beneath the cloud. It cackled at the poor pony's displeasure. He covered his mouth, trying to save face for what rude crime he committed. As if teasing the victim, he looked away before bursting out into laughter. The stallion frowned at the creature's snake-like tail, which dragged upwards into it's brown torso.

"John!" the stallion yelled, trying to get it's attention. "You fink! You can't do this! This is insane! Gah, I swear, as soon as I get out of this flipping' thing, You're dead meat!"

The draconequus merely scoffed at the pony's banter and floated away towards the distance, searching for other pony targets to torture. The brown character swore under his breath, his frustration announced to the wind. He knew that discord was going to bite him in the butt sooner or later. It just so happened that it was, in fact, sooner. The sound of rapid-fire wingbeats behind him drew his alarm again. He twisted his neck around with some effort just to spot the hoard of Changlings quickly homing in on him.

"God damn it."

-----

Rainbow Dash wiped off the mucus off from her muzzle. That last punch she received quite literally knocked the snot out of her. But she wasn't out of the fight yet. Her opponent, dark as she might be, was standing tall and strong, a malevolent grin plastered on her lips. Her wings out, the Shadowbolt taunted Rainbow to approach her with a waving motion from her wingtips. The tomcolt snorted, dragged her hoof along the ground and charged right in.

Not to far from her, Applejack was in a tussle with another shadowbolt. The two rolled on the white cobblestone floor, both trying to get on top of one another. The farm pony bit on the soldier's leg just before she was flipped over and slammed into the pavement. The shadowbolt, sitting on top of the earth pony, shook her hoof in pain and wound up for a punch just to get beaten to it by the apple expert. Applejack bumped her hips upwards, ejecting her target while it was dazed from the direct blow to the face.

They were underground, in a secret train tunnel that was tucked away beneath Canterlot Castle. The three mares had no idea where they were, and in fact had no idea that the princess had a private train station just for her. The fact of the matter rose questions from them, but they soon forgot them after getting attacked. The station was certainly more fancy than the public transit, with waxed tile floors and everlasting lanterns that hung on the walls of the station. Everything was much more cleaner, with not a piece of trash to be seen, a definite hint that the platform was seldom used and was upkeep much better. Oddly enough, the chief engineer of the project decided to name the newly build junction after his favorite sandwich shop.

The ceiling was relatively low, but still high enough to support a tall standing goddess. Still, Rainbow Dash could not take the fight to the air, lest she want to hit her crown on the ragged concrete above her. The tracks were a standard size and were lain right beside the platform, as all the other train stations that the ponies had seen before. The one difference that they noticed was the unlit tunnel that covered the entrance and exit of the platform, and that it stretched for was seemed like miles, never ending.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy watched the battle evolve from the eastmost wall of the station. The meek Pegasus shivered against the cold stone, both from chills and from her unsurmountable fright. It was like they told her all those years ago. One day, she would be attacked and would surely die if she refused to accept her destiny. Now, her friends were taking major damage from some of Nightmare Moon's top class soldiers. Her chest tightened and her throat went dry. She didn't want to accept it, but there may be no choice in a few seconds. It was fight or flight, and there was no chance of running away. Energy began building in her lungs and she desperately tried to contain it with hyperventilation. She didn't want to do it. It would mean hurting others It would mean possibly hurting her friends. All she wanted to do was to find Twilight in Canterlot Castle, but at this point it might as well have been a lost cause. She didn't want all this violence to occur. Everypony was fighting and she couldn't do anything about it.

Her next breath made her head light.

"Oh, now look what we have here!" a female voice called to her right. Fluttershy squealed and shifted her head in the direction of the sound. Standing on the train tracks a few feet away from her was another Shadowbolt, who appeared out of nowhere. "Seems like somepony likes to play the bench warmer!"

Fluttershy gasped, energy building within her breathing.

"Now we can't have that, can we?" the Shadowbolt cooed, making fun of the meek Pegasus's vulnerability. She jumped up onto the platform and approached the prone yellow pony. "Everypony needs to participate, otherwise it wouldn't be fair for the others."

Fluttershy held her breath, struggling to contain the aura and terror inside.

"Well, I guess I'll have to make sure that you participate in this little drill of ours." the embodiment of darkness taunted. She slowly approached the shivering animal caretaker, making sure to absorb all the negative emotion she was emitting.

Fluttershy's mind went hazy as oxygen stopped flowing to her brain.

Muhahahaha…" the Shadowbolt cackled, raising her front hooves high as she prepared to strike.

Fluttershy could only hear her calmly beating heart while time slowed down for her. She didn't want to do it…

Rainbow Dash knocked her opponent away, sensing danger. Looking behind her and over Applejack, she saw her childhood friend cornered and about to get pounded in the face. Applejack, save for the moment, took a glance over her shoulder to check what the problem was. Her eyes widened at the situation.

Fluttershy took a deep breath in…

FLUTTERSHY!" Rainbow screamed just before the Shadowbolt planted her hooves into her friend.

"FUS RO DAH!"

Thunder rocked the room. The figure in front of Fluttershy was blown back by the sheer volume of the voice. Peebles fell from the ceiling as a wave of dust flew away from the source of sound. The room violently shook from the force that was applied. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were seemingly unaffected by the loud noise except for their manes and tails blowing in the wind, but their opponents were thrown off their hooves too. The three Shadowbolts hit the far wall with a splat, trying to wrap their heads around on what hit them.

Time returned back to normal as light filled back up into Fluttershy's eyes. By the looks her friends were giving her and the position of the Shadowbolts, she could put the pieces together. She started to panic, more than usual. She wasn't supposed to do that! Why did she do it in the first place? It was forbidden! What would the princesses say if they found out? They would send her straight to the moon! What had she done?

Fluttershy didn't have nearly enough time to process the thought before a blast of orange light shined from the nearby hallway perpendicular to the west station wall. The sound of fire filled the area, followed by the blinding shine of flames coming from outside the room. A pillar of fire shot from the corridor, riding along the wall that the Shadowbolts slammed into. The evil servants didn't have enough time to scream before they were burned to a crisp. The inferno extended into the far tunnel wall, the flames licking the top of the train tracks. When the survivors opened their eyes after the lightshow, all that was left of the Shadowbolts were smouldering piles of ash.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked cautiously towards the doorway. What had caused the air to spontaneously combust like that? The answer clear when coughing came from the hallway. Out stumbled a brown stallion with a messy black mane and tail. The ends of his hair was smoking after jumping out of frying pan and almost into the open flame. He seemed to be trying to clear his lungs from smoke after the dangerous stunt he pulled in such an inclosed space. After a few seconds he opened his eyes to observe his new surroundings. He only had to take one good look at Rainbow Dash to know exactly where he was. He slightly dusted off his legs and cleared his throat before saying:

"Oh. Hello."

Author's Note:

So Here's the 411 on this story:

"Finite" is a re-make of a comedy story that I made about a year ago. The original story was supposed to be a break from my main story, "Chronicles of an Unknown World" I wanted to be silly writing, so I decided to write the story in a comedic aspect. Unfortunately, I had no experience writing comedy in the past, and as a result, most of my jokes were forced, not funny and broke the fourth wall wayyyyy too often. For some vague reason I cannot remember for the life of me, I started to make the plot bigger than it originally was. When I was done, I realized the sheer potential the story had WITHOUT the comedic aspect. So, I vowed that one day I would go back to this story and re-do it without all the cheesy jokes.

And that's what exactly I've done. "Finite" is the result. I hope you're strapped in for one wild ride!

Number of video game references: 2

First one's quite obvious. The second one on the other hand...

Comments

[Blue Blaze {COMET}]

NOTE:

I deleted all previous comments because I wanted a fresh start on this story, with nothing from the past to compare it to. Heck, if it wasn't against the rules, I would have probably re-submitted this story anew! I bet the admins wouldn't have even noticed. Never the less, I just in case the off chance that they DO notice I don't want to be responsible for breaking a rule of the site.

So yeah.

[Kaf_Kraked_Poni]

Okay, I have the verdict. Your story was interesting in that it follows an O.C. rather than the Mane six directly. I did have trouble following it however because of stylistic and mechanical issues. I am going to assume that this was either written very quickly and posted for editing, or maybe those mistakes just slipped your gaze. I will admit, I was compelled to continue to read to keep up with the events, but I felt that it was a little choppy, and maybe that was because (after reading your description) it is a comedy stripped to a dark, action state. So I would just recommend going over it again and locating the grammatical errors throughout, because there is quite a few of them. The ones pointed out below are just some that REALLY caught my attention and I'm meticulous like that, so don't take offense to any of it. I really do mean to help.

"Even after thirty gruelling minutes after the attack, the dust was still settling over the deserted state. Thankfully, most of the ponies had been escorted out of the city by the royal guard though the old Equestrian tunnels, and found safety in emergency camps at the base of the mountain."

Regarding the bolded parts, the first sentence uses the word 'after' in succession too close to each other. I would rewrite it so that it only uses it once. This is a mechanical error. 'Though' should be 'through'. Those slip, it happens with me too.

"Not even half an hour later after the initial attack and the capital was without a doubt lost."

I'm finding this sentence to be confusing. I see what you mean, but I think it could be worded differently. I won't write it for you, that is your work, I'm just letting you know.

"Manehattan was not a mere shell of the glory it once held. Ponyville ceased to exist after what kind of sick, twisted things Discord did to it. The Crystal Empire was once again being enslaved by the same ruler that enslaved it a millennia ago. Non-populated areas of Equestria were either on fire, dried up under the influence of Sombra's life-sucking crystals or had wild beasts ravish the area in a rage. One by one, the pony species was slowly getting endangered."

Okay, this paragraph I feel can be altered to give it a more natural feel. It is as if there is a fact, then stop. Fact, then stop. Fact, then stop. This is just me, but I would advise to not use this style for this particular paragraph. You are basically trying to give the reader an idea of how much chaos has been spread due to the outbreak. So, all of these sentences share the same topic, and should thus flow better together. Maybe transition better. Also, 'not' shouldn't be there.

"For the first time in long [while], he laughed. He was beating the savage insects! A mere earth pony like himself, with no wings or magic to assist him, was beating a swarm of fifty! He was winning! A mortal, against all odds, was playing the cards correctly onto the table. For once, it seemed like life was going his way. Reaching the end of the hopping section, the nameless one landed a perfect ten on the strip of floor. With no time to congratulate himself, he dashed forwards while hugging the wall as it slowly curved left. Taking a good look ahead, he realized that once again the ground was missing, and in its place was a gaping hole that was at least fifteen feet across. He burned [with] a burst of speed, readying his legs for the quickly approaching obstacle. Within moments he reached the end of the rope, and with all his might, took off the cobblestone."

I just added and/or struck out some grammatical errors.

"There was no was that life could stop him now. He was free as a bird. It reminded him of the time that gained pegasus wings and soared through the heavens, visiting the various Pegasus cities."

That first part...I think that's a splicing error from when you were editing this.

"He gleefully allowed himself to fly as necessary, taking the wind beneath his metaphorical wings."

His wings are imaginary, not metaphorical.

"The refreshing cool breeze was inhaled through his lungs, rejuvenating his circulatory system with new fresh air. After a moment, he took a break from admiring his adventure to open his eyes a tad."

'was inhaled' is odd to use while 'rejuvenating' is present. 'The refreshing cool breeze entered his lungs, rejuvenating...'

"He knew that Ddiscord was going to bite him in the butt sooner or later. It just so happened that it was, in fact, sooner. The sound of rapid-fire wing beats behind him drew his alarm again."

Discord is capitalized and wing beats is to be separated.

"They were underground, in a secret train tunnel that was tucked away beneath Canterlot Castle. The three mares had no idea where they were, and in fact had no idea that the princess had a private train station just for her. The fact of the matter rose questions from them, but they soon forgot them after getting attacked. The station was certainly more fancy than the public transit, with waxed tile floors and everlasting lanterns that hung on the walls of the station. Everything was much more cleaner, with not a piece of trash to be seen, a definite hint that the platform was seldom used and was upkeep much better. Oddly enough, the chief engineer of the project decided to name the newly build junction after his favorite sandwich shop."

"The ceiling was relatively low, but still high enough to support a tall standing goddess. Still, Rainbow Dash could not take the fight to the air, lest she want to hit her crown on the ragged concrete above her. The tracks were a standard size and were lain right beside the platform, as all the other train stations that the ponies had seen before. The one difference that they noticed was the unlit tunnel that covered the entrance and exit of the platform, and that it stretched for was seemed like miles, never ending."

I feel like these two paragraphs are dividing information that should be put together. It jumps back and forth between the ponies and the station. Also, you don't reveal in the earlier paragraph that Fluttershy is with R.D. and A.J., though I suppose it was mentioned in the earlier part of the chapter. It's just that it confused me for a moment. Maybe place the scene where Flutters is being useless earlier, like directly after the action between R.D., A.J., and the Shadowbolts. If you want to spread the setting throughout the confrontation, use it as a battleground instead of a backdrop. You did this in the first sentence of the latter paragraph with R.D. and the height of the cave. I guess I'm saying, use it as a weapon in the fight rather than occasionally mention it during the struggle.

TL;DR
I don't know why you wouldn't read it. There are multiple grammatical and mechanical errors. Fluidity is a little rough, but not a distraction. Just go over it again because the few errors I pointed out aren't the only ones. Plot wise it seems like a good story with yes, a lot of potential and I think you can pull that out of it. Okay, Good Writing!

[Blue Blaze {COMET}]

2597983

Thank you very much for reading.

[Scootareader]

All right, this fic seems much more promising than Return of the Inferno! Let's see what went right and what's still wrong here.

First, the lack of a cover picture is a huge attribution to why you wouldn't have much exposure for this story. The picture is supposed to get the reader to bother reading the description, then the description reels them in for the actual story, which needs a decent hook in the form of a description (both short and long), then a decent hook as the story begins (and the part where I become disinterested most easily). Even if your short description, long description, and story hook are all dynamite, you are still sorely lacking in a description picture; thus, your readers never actually bother to open and look at the story you so lovingly wrote. So, you need a description picture... and a good one.

Your long description is actually quite interesting. Your premise isn't incredibly overplayed; I'm finding myself wanting to look more into this, and it appears that you are, in fact, a good author. There's a few grammatical nuances you still missed in the story description, but nothing earth-shatteringly bad. An decent editor would be able to fix it up for you just fine.

I also don't like your needing to explain why you picked a tragedy tag and not a sad tag. The tags are basically what the reader is supposed to feel as they read; if they ask you to explain why you did one tag but not the other, then explain to them why you did so. Simply put, the reader doesn't feel primarily sadness when reading this, therefore the tag shouldn't be sad; if they do, however, feel the tragedy when it befalls the character(s), then you're going to put a tragedy tag.

In your list of characters as well as your short description, I note that you use an OC in this story. Why do we get no name, no description, and no semblance of an idea what he does? That's not mysterious or interesting, that's just boring.

You also have the Mane 6 tagged, implying that they will be playing a large part. It says that they're scattered; this, at least, indicates why an OC is needed. At least you gave him a reason to exist, and I compliment you on creating a decent second OC.

On to the next fic!

[Blue Blaze {COMET}]

4158104

Thank you very much for taking look at this story.

I made this two years after I wrote "Return of the Inferno", so I like to feel that my writing skill has made some kind of progress. As for the main character not having a description, I wanted the reader to make up a picture of what he looked like as the story went on and he did more and more things. I never made the thought that that would make it boring. Thank you very much for informing me.

I remember that this story had it's first three chapter re-written twice and that I originally wanted it to be a comedy. After I wrote the first copy and actually read it, I started to doubt my comedic ability to use timing effectively in writing. Thus, I decided to re-write it into something more dark. I think that's why I justified the tragedy tag in the description.