• Member Since 12th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 12th, 2014



When a new colt moves into Ponyville, what affect will he have on the lives of the Mane Six? What secrets is he hiding? How will the girls react when they find out? First fan-fic I've ever written! So please be nice and leave a comment! Constructive comments are especially appreciated! Thank You! ^_^

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 42 )

Ok, you've got a pretty good idea here, not very original, but good nontheless.

A few things to work on:

1. Numbers. When you write prose, never add in numerals, always write them out.

E.g: "Can you do that? Can you explode 2 times?"

fix: "Can you do that, can you explode two times?"

2. Punctuation. You seem o miss out a lot of commas, especially in your speech.

E.g: "I am Stphen pony of Equestria" he shouted his voice echoing loudly throuhout the hall.

Fix: "I am Stephen, Pony of Equestria," he shouted, his voice echoing throughout the hall.

This makes it easier to read, as well as allow you to add pauses or breaks in speech, to add affect or just because that's how the pony speaks.

3.O.K. It's spelt "Okay" In Prose.

4.and. Don't ever begin a sentence with and. Ever.

5. More speech. I only add this because you seem to miss out some things.

E.g: "Hi" he said, smiling.

Fix: Hi," he said, smiling

Gotta have that comma ," :scootangel:

Anyway, my critism is over. Wasn't too shabby, just fix up the things I mentioned and you should be right as rain. Have fun!

I find that whenever someone asks for constructive criticism in their description/author notes, I'm always rather inclined to go ahead and offer my thoughts, for better or for worse. Now, I certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (Since apparently I've unintentionally done that in the past), but fair warning: You asked for criticism, so that's what I'm going to give.

In terms of mechanics... You know what, I just saw that Taranasaurus actually gave a very good explanation there. (I can edit my comments now! Thank you Knighty!) I second what he/she said; you need to work on your commas more and a few other areas. Shouldn't be too hard, just need to spend a few minutes reviewing grammar rules. I've been in exactly the same situation.

Moving on, your writing style, while clearly that of a rookie author, does have promise. Unlike so many other first time authors I've seen on this site, you do have a decent grasp of "show vs tell," a skill crucial to every good writer; you give fairly detailed descriptions, making it easier for me to picture the story in my head. That said, I would encourage you to go into more detail at some points, mainly when introducing a new character or setting. (For example, when introducing your OC, don't just tell us his mane and coat color. Give us an idea of what he's built like, his height, his muscles, etc. You also might want to tell us what his cutie mark is.)

I won't really comment on your character development yet; it's only your first chapter, so there's plenty of room for that in the future.

However, I have to say that your plot, or at least Fluttershy's actions, feel a little... off. Considering the fact that Fluttershy is portrayed as being scared speechless by any stranger she meets (Nicely downplayed by introducing Abigail as a conversation starter), I find it rather hard to believe that she would then invite said stranger into her home, give him her food, and would then accept his help with her job.

So, all in all, you've certainly got promise, but putting in some more hard work and thought can only help you. I'd advise getting a proofreader, or at least someone to bounce ideas off of. As it stands, I'll rate this story at 3.5 stars, but hopefully I'll get to increase that rating in the near future. Good luck, and welcome to Fimfiction!

everything he just said.

Oooh, intriguing. I'm gonna follow this to see what happens. However, I suggest getting a prereader/editor. Stay away from the chans for the moment, because they are brutal. I know a few editors who excell at helping new authors. If your interested, I suggest

Need a little more charicterization on thr OC and make sure u keep fluttershy acting like... well fluttershy. This is better than most the the first time storys that i have read. This has promis, im gonna go ahead and track

this seems like a pure no violence no rape story. I like It :pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

:flutterrage: bitch you better not make a move he is MINE .:twilightangry2:hell no

no, wait, what!!!!! Well i guess it's logical. {weird waters}

another love triangle!!!!

This is going great! I'm hoping that Twilight and Sunny ends up together once agai, as it is most logical and fitting.

Nah RD makes more sense :fluttercry:

oh! school couple! soo sweet. sunny and twi seemed like a very good couple

it has been a day and i'm tired of waiting for the next chapter. hurry up!
I hate cliffhangers

Hey there guys! Just here to ask those who comment to read my blog, as I respond to your comments there.

*looks at NinjaStar91774* - I'm sorry for not updating sooner, it's just that I've just started some really important exams. I have 6 of them and I literally just came back from finishing off my first one an hour ago (My house is a ten minute walk away from my school!). So I have been busy. I will be putting my the blog responsing to comments for Chapter 3, and then I will post Chapter 4 up.

I should also warn you I have the rest of my exams coming up. So there will be times where I am unable to update daily. I hope you understand. :twilightsmile:


Go assertive, less nervous Twilight. You got this babe! :twilightblush:


Read your comment in Vinyl Scratch's voice. Then i realized I had no idea what her voice would sound like. The realization of this made me sad.:pinkiesad2:

D'aawww, that's adorable.

I wonder what happened to Twilight that made her the way she is today? Maybe something sinister happened at the dance....

(Must. Resist. Urge. To. Come. Up. With. Gruesome. Death. Scene. For. Twilight's. Mom.)

140143 what the heck!
in other news......
+150000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 man points in my book! eh - 50 for letting her mom hear. im too lazy you do the math

Pretty awesome, I hope Sunny truly gets back with Twilight. As I can see their relationship is pretty amazing!

"Sunny turned around to the source of the clapping, it was Mr. Cappella who gave a thumbs up"
thats my only problum
good job otherwise


:pinkiegasp: Damn that is actually quite bad! I will correct that right now!

Im just curious ,will Sunny get back with Twilight in this story? :D

Fantastic! I'm glad you decided to continue, or rather ecstatic.:pinkiegasp: Still, poor Fluttershy:fluttercry: but it's better that way, with what Twilight has been through.

Why is this rated 4 stars? It deserves more!:flutterrage:

Overuse of words is another thing, whilst was getting repetitive. Words of kindness and friendly kindness of course, love the story!

duh duh duuuhhh! and the plot thinkens, lol plot

I kinda sorta followed this on fanfiction.net so i'll follow it here.

:pinkiegasp: is right.

BTW: It was cheesy (:pinkiesick:), but I loved it.


If you read the New Years Fic, it will all make sense. :twilightsmile:


As for you, don't get too sad, there is still hope...

I am really enjoying this fic!:twilightsmile:

It is similar to mine, The Newcomer,(Which yo should check out, I bet you'd like it.) but it's definitely not copied.

Tracking, liked, and Waiting for more!:scootangel:

I'm really liking this... And, just a little fun trivial fact: The Hippocampus isn't the part of the brain where memories are stored. It is where they are transcribed from your short-term memory to your long-term memory. :facehoof: I can't believe I just dorked here, of all places...

Can't wait to read the rest!

Thank god this updated. It is too good of a story to go under, never to be continued.
(I still think you use whilst too much.) None the less it is good to see you alive and writing again man!

:facehoof: Wow! I only just checked the bit about the Hippocampus to see what I wrote! I can't believe I wrote that out! The awkward moment when I'm thinking of being a neurologist when I'm older and I get something that basic wrong... Also, I love it when other people dork about science! It assures me that I'm not the only one being a dork! :pinkiehappy:

Yeah I do tend to overuse words a lot of the time. Okay that's it! Aim for me next chapter is to try not to overuse 'whilst' in the next chapter! Which should hopefully be out quicker than this one! :twilightsheepish:

I've actually went off and had a read of your fic! I can see what you mean by it being similar! But, like you said it's definitely different. I actually quite liked it! So I've tracked and liked it as well! :twilightsmile:


Neurologist? Hmm. Respectable choice. I'm only in College, and we're going over memory in my Psychology class (Planning on Minoring in it) so it was on my brain when you mentioned it. :twilightsmile: good to know there is another person who likes to dork it up online! I often feel rather alone... :pinkiesad2:


Well being honest with myself I'm applying to study medicine at university at the moment. So it's years before I decide what to specialise in! So who knows I may end up doing something else entirely! But, the brain has been the part of the body I've always been interested in. SO yeah...

So I guess I was having a bit of a dorky moment when I mentioned that bit in the chapter! Even if it was a bit of a fail of a dorky moment! :facehoof: (I'm never going to live that down! o_O)


Oh, well, still. Medicine is a great career path, best of luck to ya!

Oh, don't take it too hard. Now I'm going to regret mentioning it... heh heh.... :twilightblush:


Thanks! :twilightsmile:

Ah don't worry about it! That was the perfectionist in me talking there...

I'm also the kind of person to forget things like that in a day or two! :rainbowwild:


Damn! I realised I hadn't answered your question personally myself!

To be honest that's still very much open to debate. Because, with the way I write this thing, even I don't know what's going to happen. So honestly who knows?

As for the New Year's fic MsgtLaborin was talking about. That is actually more of an alternate ending to this fic had I (heaven forbid! :pinkiegasp:) been lazy enough to stop writing this fic. I would post it here now, but with it being now three months past New Year's when I wrote it. It just seems a bit late!

So, I'd like to know what all of you guys think? Should I post up the New Year's fic even despite it seeming incredibly late! Just so that you guys can see what would have been had I decided to be lazy. I'll leave that up to anyone here to decide for me! :twilightsmile:

338160 The New Year's fic would be late. But so long as it wouldn't disrupt the plot, I see no harm. Should probably leave an authors note, though.

BlackSpire, I wouldn't post it here. The reason being that it may conflict with a few things you will want to do with this fic in the long run. For instance, if you want Sunny and Twilight's relationship to heal/develop a little faster, the New Years story would be too far off. If you do end up posting it, just think what you want to do with this one first. Don't want to hurt yourself with it.

However, even if it is not officially a part of this story, everyone should still go read the New Years Story AND the Celestmas one as well. They are both part of their own little two-shot and great little reads to get some kind of insight into their relationship. I fell as though I am starting to talk gibberish, so I must stop before I look like a fool. :twilightblush:


This series will now be continued over on my page since BlackSpire has been missing in action ever since he sent me the last chapter. I will also be doing the edits as well as re-working the story arc to be the way it was intended to be (I won't be putting peas in your porridge, but it won't be exactly the same in terms of pacing). Feel free to move on over, and I will get to work on setting up the first chapter immediately.

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