A New Arrival!

by BlackSpire

A New Arrival!

It was a cold, crisp autumnal morning. The sound of all of the creatures of the Everfree Forest and the rustling of the coloured leaves as they were blown by the wind were all that could be heard as a lone unicorn colt was out exploring what was now the surroundings of his new home. He had a shining yellow coat and a fiery red mane with orange streaks. Along side him was his pet, an Alaskan malamute, named Abigail.

"This sure is a lovely place isn't it Abigail. Much quieter than Manehattan don't you think?" he said whilst using magic to throw a tennis ball across a field.

Abigail responded with a loud bark whilst chasing after the ball before getting distracted by a butterfly and chasing after it instead.

As he chuckled at his companion's antics he used his magic to pick up the ball. After, a few moments of watching Abigail hopelessly try to catch the butterfly he spotted a cottage further down the path he was walking on.

"Hey Abigail! It seems like we've got a neighbor. I'd say we go introduce ourselves."

At this she turned her head and ran back to her owner's side.

"O.K last one there is a rotten apple!" he exclaimed before galloping off towards the cottage.

Abigail barked angrily, clearly unhappy with her owner's head-start before chasing after him.

When they arrived at the front gate of the cottage, they clearly saw that the person who owned the cottage was an animal lover with a chicken coop, several rabbits, a falcon, an eagle, a flying squirrel, a bat and many more creatures playing around in her front yard. As he walked towards the front door Abigail by his side all of the animals stopped playing. Some ran off scared from the presence of a new face. Others just stared as he reached the door and knocked.

"J-just a minute..." he heard a quiet voice answer. Shortly, after the door creaked open only a little with a pony looking to see who it was. "Y-yes...uhm..h-how can I...h-help you?" she squeaked out.

He had immediately noticed her sky blue eyes and couldn't help but lose himself in them for a moment. Quickly, realizing he was probably slightly creeping the already shy pony out he quickly began to speak, his face flushed in embarrassment.

"O-oh I'm so sorry if I disturbed you in any way...it's just that...I recently moved into the neighborhood...and I saw that you lived right down the road from me...so I thought I'd introduce myself. My name is Starbuck Sunrise but most people call me Sunny," he ended with a smile and held his hoof out for a hoofshake.

At this the shy pony felt she could trust this pony a lot more and so proceeded to fully open the door revealing herself. She had a yellow coat, with a long pink mane and tail along with three butterflies as her cutie mark.

"M-my name's Flu-Fluttershy." she nervously replied with a smile of her own whilst reaching out slowly and shaking it lightly.

Suddenly, Abigail barked out feeling left out of the discussion.
As Fluttershy turned her eyes to see Abigail she immediately gasped before immediately squealing, "Oh Wow! She's so beautiful! Is she yours? What's her name? How old is she? How did you get her coat to turn out so fluffy and shiny? What food does she like?..." she continued on asking questions whilst Sunny just stood there stunned at just how beautiful Fluttershy was. Meanwhile, Abigail was simply loving the attention Fluttershy was giving her. As she rolled onto her back whilst she rubbed her belly.

Snapping back to reality again Sunny quickly answered "Oh...uhm yeah she's mine. Her name's Abigail and she's going to be 5 in a couple of weeks time. I use shampoo and two conditioners when she needs a bath and she pretty much eats whatever I give her although mainly it's just normal dog food. Plus I think you should stop giving her so much attention it'll only boost her ego to even bigger proportions!"

At this Abigail barked at Sunny annoyingly and gave a small growl to emphasize her point. At this both ponies chuckled and continued to talk about animals in general for a good half an hour whilst, playing fetch with Abigail.

He then continued "So I guess you really like animals then huh?"

"Oh yes I do love animals especially taking care of them." she said as she stopped playing with Abigail.

"Yeah I could guess that."

"Really how?"

At this Sunny nearly facehoofed before motioning with his head to the front garden where all the animals were all going about their own businesses.

"Oh right." Fluttershy said sheepishly, slightly embarrassed at her silly question.

To break the awkward silence both of their stomachs groaned out loud. At which both ponies held a small blush.

"Ah damn! I was so busy giving Abigail her morning walk that I forgot to even have breakfast!"

"Oh I was just about to make my own breakfast before you...uhm...knocked."

"Oh I am so sorry about that! Would you like me to leave so you can get back to having your breakfast?" he said with a small hint of guilt.

"Not at all. In fact, would you like to come in for some breakfast?" she asked quietly whilst looking at the ground, before realising what she said and added, "Uhm...that is of course if you want to?"

"W-well I don't mean to be a bother..."

"Oh it's no problem at all!" she said quickly as if she was desperate for some more company.

"Well...O.K. then!" he said with a smile as they both went into her cottage.

As Fluttershy quickly made some daisy sandwiches and some chrysanthemum tea for the two of them, Sunny looked around the house to see some cages with injured animals with wrapped up appendages and could even see a mouse moving around the house with a tiny wheelchair and cast.

'Wow she really does care for a lot of animals I wonder how she does it all herself?'

His train of thought was then broken by Fluttershy calling to him rather quietly "Breakfast is ready. I'm sorry it isn't a proper breakfast but this is what I normally eat!"

"Oh it's no problem anything is fine with me! Thank you very much for making this for me" he said gratefully as he quickly got to his seat at the table with Fluttershy.

As they ate they continued to talk more about each other. Fluttershy learnt how he came from Manehattan and left because he wanted to leave the busy and stressful lifestyle of the big city and move to a more quite and rural place like Ponyville. She also learnt about how he was a music and song writer and even offered her to come round his house some time and play some of his own songs for her.

He learnt about Fluttershy's friends, how she came to earn her cutie mark and how she lived on her own and took care of the animals mostly by herself with some occasional help from her friends.Even after both had finished their breakfast they lost track of time and talked for a couple more hours enjoying each other's company.

"Oh my is that the time we've been talking for 3 hours now!" Sunny spoke slightly shocked.

"Oh my! I s-sorry if I've kept you away from something important..." she squeaked slightly upset.

"Oh no you haven't kept me from anything important. It's just I wanted to finish unpacking all my things today so I'd have free time tomorrow!" he said reassuring her.

"Oh that’s alright then."

"Anyway it must be pretty hectic taking care of all of these animals on your own. I'll have finished unpacking everything by the end of today, so if you'd like I could perhaps give you a hand sometime?"

"Well I am quite busy but I don't know. I mean you just moved here! I wouldn't want to be any trouble to you."

"Oh it's no trouble at all! After all I take care of Abigail all the time I don't see how hard looking after other animals could be? And you could most certainly use the extra pair of hooves."

"Well...if you want...could you maybe come by tomorrow...to help with getting the animals ready for hibernation in the winter?" she asked nervously, before adding, "Only if you want to of course?"

"Sure what time?"

"How about ten o'clock?"

"O.K. I will definitely be there! Now I need to get home and finish unpacking! I'll be back tomorrow!" he said as he was seen outside the door by Fluttershy with Abigail followed behind him as he walked down the path towards the gate.

"Great" she called out rather quietly and couldn't help but smile at such a nice and kind-hearted pony.

"Oh and one more thing before I leave!" he called out as he was on the other side of the gate turning around to face Fluttershy.

"W-what is it?" Fluttershy asked worried Sunny may not come anymore.

"Smile more!" he yelled with a big grin on his face, "You have a beautiful smile, don't be afraid to show it more often!" and with that he turned around an walked off with Abigail following close behind him.

They both left a stunned Fluttershy, with a small blush across her face. She walked back into her house excited about finally having someone else to help out with the animals who enjoyed them almost as much as she did. Before, she went to the kitchen she stopped in front of the mirror and thought back to Sunny's last words. She couldn't help but smile at herself, before giggling and going back to clear up the plates and start her work for the day.

Comments

[Taranasauruso_o]

Ok, you've got a pretty good idea here, not very original, but good nontheless.

A few things to work on:

1. Numbers. When you write prose, never add in numerals, always write them out.

E.g: "Can you do that? Can you explode 2 times?"

fix: "Can you do that, can you explode two times?"

2. Punctuation. You seem o miss out a lot of commas, especially in your speech.

E.g: "I am Stphen pony of Equestria" he shouted his voice echoing loudly throuhout the hall.

Fix: "I am Stephen, Pony of Equestria," he shouted, his voice echoing throughout the hall.

This makes it easier to read, as well as allow you to add pauses or breaks in speech, to add affect or just because that's how the pony speaks.

3.O.K. It's spelt "Okay" In Prose.

4.and. Don't ever begin a sentence with and. Ever.

5. More speech. I only add this because you seem to miss out some things.

E.g: "Hi" he said, smiling.

Fix: Hi," he said, smiling

Gotta have that comma ,"

Anyway, my critism is over. Wasn't too shabby, just fix up the things I mentioned and you should be right as rain. Have fun!

[HeirApparent]

I find that whenever someone asks for constructive criticism in their description/author notes, I'm always rather inclined to go ahead and offer my thoughts, for better or for worse. Now, I certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (Since apparently I've unintentionally done that in the past), but fair warning: You asked for criticism, so that's what I'm going to give.

In terms of mechanics... You know what, I just saw that Taranasaurus actually gave a very good explanation there. (I can edit my comments now! Thank you Knighty!) I second what he/she said; you need to work on your commas more and a few other areas. Shouldn't be too hard, just need to spend a few minutes reviewing grammar rules. I've been in exactly the same situation.

Moving on, your writing style, while clearly that of a rookie author, does have promise. Unlike so many other first time authors I've seen on this site, you do have a decent grasp of "show vs tell," a skill crucial to every good writer; you give fairly detailed descriptions, making it easier for me to picture the story in my head. That said, I would encourage you to go into more detail at some points, mainly when introducing a new character or setting. (For example, when introducing your OC, don't just tell us his mane and coat color. Give us an idea of what he's built like, his height, his muscles, etc. You also might want to tell us what his cutie mark is.)

I won't really comment on your character development yet; it's only your first chapter, so there's plenty of room for that in the future.

However, I have to say that your plot, or at least Fluttershy's actions, feel a little... off. Considering the fact that Fluttershy is portrayed as being scared speechless by any stranger she meets (Nicely downplayed by introducing Abigail as a conversation starter), I find it rather hard to believe that she would then invite said stranger into her home, give him her food, and would then accept his help with her job.

So, all in all, you've certainly got promise, but putting in some more hard work and thought can only help you. I'd advise getting a proofreader, or at least someone to bounce ideas off of. As it stands, I'll rate this story at 3.5 stars, but hopefully I'll get to increase that rating in the near future. Good luck, and welcome to Fimfiction!

[BonXsig]

127754
everything he just said.

[Brony Z-Ro]

Oooh, intriguing. I'm gonna follow this to see what happens. However, I suggest getting a prereader/editor. Stay away from the chans for the moment, because they are brutal. I know a few editors who excell at helping new authors. If your interested, I suggest
[e-mail]

[UselessRambling]

Need a little more charicterization on thr OC and make sure u keep fluttershy acting like... well fluttershy. This is better than most the the first time storys that i have read. This has promis, im gonna go ahead and track

this seems like a pure no violence no rape story. I like It

[FauxFox]

Overuse of words is another thing, whilst was getting repetitive. Words of kindness and friendly kindness of course, love the story!