Onward sailed the Elements of Harmony, their tiny and ridiculously inadequate craft storm-tossed on the roiling sea. Wave after wave crashed over the bow as thunderclouds above and merciless ocean below conspired to end their journey.
“Eep!” cried Kindness, hiding under a gunwale. She quivered in paralyzing terror next to Generosity, who refused to lift a single freakin’ hoof to help for fear that her precious mane would get mussed. As usual.
Laughter stepped bravely and absolutely uselessly to the railing and made epically funny faces at the thunderhead, her expressions a catalog of contortions and clown-y stuff. Somehow the winds failed to laugh and blew harder than before. “Wow,” she mused, “tough crowd!”
“Gee, imagine that!” quipped handsome and dashing Loyalty. “Say, Magic, you foxy little egghead, can you magic this storm away?”
“Not this time, you gorgeous hunk of pony perfection!” gushed Magic, her sweet little rain-slicked flank looking particularly hot. “My magic is suddenly and inexplicably ineffective against this weather! If only some brave pegasus would save me, I would be hers forever!”
“Done and done, sweetcheeks!” Awesomely epic fight music blared from the heavens as Loyalty leapt into the skies, her rainbow trail a beacon of hope and amazingness for all ponykind. Before her skilled hooves the stormclouds fled in panic, the hindmost kicked into wisps of harmless cirrus by Loyalty, who totally aced the job by shaping the rest of the clouds into her cutie mark in, like, no seconds flat.
Landing on the ship’s deck with her usual unmatched flourish, Loyalty flexed her wings in the spreading sunlight as the heavens themselves opened to congratulate her. Magic rushed to her side, throwing her hooves around the stunning mare, making that face she makes when Loyalty knows she’s totally getting lucky the second they’re out of danger.
Finishing her thank-you-for-saving-all-our-flanks-again makeout session with Loyalty, Magic trotted to the ship’s wheelhouse and gave the other Elements a four-hour lecture on the history of lectures about storm lectures, because, you know, when you’ve just barely escaped with your lives, that’s the first thing on your list of ways to pass the time while you dry off, right? While she was blathering on and on and fraggin’ on, Loyalty motioned to Generosity to join her at the stern.
“Oh darling, dearest,” she droned in that whiny voice that I have no idea how Fluttershy can stand, “I couldn’t possibly frou frou hoity-toity hooficure Prench dainty doily yadda yadda yadda.”
Loyalty rubbed her temple, looked around to make sure Magic’s lecture had successfully bored the rest of the Elements to sleep, and promptly kicked Generosity over the railing. She landed with a ‘ploop’ and mercifully sank below the waves before she could inflict another of her beauty tips on the rest of the Elements.
Magic looked up from the thousand pages of lecture notes which she somehow manages to pack on every single frelling trip we take and scratched her cute little head. “Loyalty, have you seen Generosity? I was hoping to lecture everyone at least once this trip.”
Loyalty shined her hooves and stared ruggedly out to sea. “She lost a false eyelash overboard and dove in to get it. I’m sure she’ll be fine. She said she’d tread water for a couple of weeks and wait for us on the return trip.”
Magic’s eyes glazed over at the awesomely azure sight before her. Blinking a few times, she muttered, “I somehow believe every word you just said.” Magic’s humongous brain usually turned to oatmeal around Loyalty, and today was no exception.
Suddenly the sea rumbled around them, threatening to shake the boat to splinters. The Elements fought in vain to keep their balance on the rain-slicked deck, except for Loyalty, who can, you know, fly. From out of the depths a scaly head exploded, borne on a vast coiling body bristling with terrible spines. The sea-serpent’s scales glistened in the sunlight like … like …
“Plates of iridescent armor, forged in the fires of some crystalline abyss?”
Yeah, totally! The towering beast roared with a deafening cry, circling the little ship as its occupants cowered in fright before its evil evilness. Except for Loyalty, of course, who glared at the great beast defiantly.
“Shucks an’ tarnation!” exclaimed Honesty. “Gol-dangit, y’all! Ah cain’t buck that there critter. It ain’t no apple tree, ya know, sugacube? Maybe if’n it comes closer, Ah kin chuck mah hat at it!”
Kindness peeked out from under a tarp strung between two barrels of gunpowder and squeaked, “Is it, um, a flaky chaos god or some little forest creature I can use the lotta-freakin’-good-it-did-against-Discord ‘stare’ on?” Loyalty shook her head, her +5 Mane of Uniqueness waving gallantly in the breeze. “Oh, well, I guess, if it’s, um, okay with you, then, Eep!”
Loyalty rolled her stunning magenta eyes as a brilliant tactical plan unfolded in her razor-sharp mind. Lifting the dripping tarp and twirling it into a tight bundle, Kindness and gunpowder and all, she spun it around and around, hurling the pitiful pony package toward the ravenously fangy creature. Naturally, ‘cause it was Loyalty’s plan, the monster fell for it and gobbled up the entire bundle, which it swallowed in a single voracious gulp, burping gunpowder and yellow feathers.
Loyalty launched off the deck to a trumpet fanfare, weaving in and out of the creature’s snapping jaws, circling tighter and tighter until it wavered and swayed in dizziness. With the fiend temporarily stunned, Loyalty sped into the sky, a rainbow contrail marking her … her …
“Marvelous ascent to the lofty heavens?”
Exactly! At her apogee, she turned, leveled a hoof toward the massive scaly brute, and shouting her catchphrase of “Who’s the mare? I’m the mare!” she dove toward the ocean with unbelievable speed. She felt the familiar shock cone forming around her, and mere seconds before impact, she pulled up triumphantly as her …
“Sonic Rainboom split the air and detonated the gunpowder barrels, sending the foul creature’s viscera raining down over miles of uncharted ocean?”
Totally! Victorious, naturally, she lit by the ship’s wheel as Magic rushed to her side and proclaimed Loyalty’s undying magnificence and irresistible sexiness. Loyalty turned to Laughter and Honesty and raising one stupendous eyebrow, asked, “Shouldn’t you two be out looking for Kindness and Generosity?” Balloons and Hat nodded blankly and jumped overboard, disappearing under the cruel sea as Loyalty held Magic close and …
Twilight stood in the bathroom doorway, hooves crossed and eyes squinting. “Dash, why is the Element of Magic grinding its jewel against the jewel on the Element of Loyalty?”
“GAH!” Rainbow leapt out of the bathtub, panting, soapy water covering the walls as bubbles floated gently through the room. “How … How long have you been standing there, Twi?”
The unicorn’s muzzle showed the slightest hints of a budding smirk. “Oh, long enough.”
Dash’s ears drooped soggily and her eyes shot wide. “Please, please, Twi, don’t tell the Princess I was using the Elements as …”
“Bath toys? Well, okay,” she grinned, “under one condition.”
“Anything, Twilight!”
“Pick them up, and stand aside.”
Quickly gathering five soapy necklaces and a waterlogged tiara, Dash stood up and waited. The single word she heard from Magic was one that echoed through the sleepy Ponyville night and would one day pass on into legend.
“CANNONBALL!”
Egghead and Featherbrain
Egghead and Featherbrain
One is a genius
The other's...
Damn, I got nothing.
From that day forth, Twilight was forbidden to cannonball ANYWHERE by Princess Celestia.
Freaking epic.
"For shame, Rainbow Dash! A lady does not 'yadda yadda yadda'."
THat was actually pretty funny, although a bit difficult for me to follow.
At first I was all Wut?
Then I LOL'd.
Brilliant work.
PS: I lied. I LOL'd the whole way through.
Dashie... oh boy, I could not stop laughing. Especially when Generosity got thrown overboard!
Twilight took that rather well!
This was the funniest chapter so far!!! :D
2028329 a different type of genius? a morron?
This was so hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing!
And then you fu(k1ng killed Fluttershy.
Overall, still hilarious. I love when she boots Rarity off.
2028476
Best part.
So, the Element of Loyalty demonstrates this on a daily basis by not actually indulging her urges to watch all her friends drown or get eaten by monsters (except for the one she's banging, of course).
Seems legit.
well at least she didn't use them as sex toys
That was the perfect ending.
The several parts in the story splitting the italicized paragraphs is Twilight giving Dash a suggestion on her descriptive battle scenes, right?
2028831
100% correct. Twilight was standing there almost the whole time, and the un-italicized comments were her suggestions to Dash. RD, of course, was so involved that she never bothered looking up. Twilight, meanwhile, was totally enjoying the show, on so many levels.
Okay, lesson learned. Never start laughing like a maniac while your over-protective lab/greyhound mix is in the room.
RD, feeling a little passive-aggressive today?
Well that was interesting. Those two get up to some weird stuff.
GOD DAMN MY SIDES!!! Holy crap you had me in stitches the entire time! I literally could not stop laughing! That was awesome. That was amazing. That was freakin' awesomazingriffic. God damn. Tears of laughter, man. Freakin' everywhere. A true masterpiece. Aw jeez. Keep up the awesome work, I ain't goin' nowhere.
2028329 An adorable pain?
Is it bad that this is where I went almost immediately?
Well, I always wondered what it would be like if Garth Marenghi were to write MLP fanfic. Now I now. It would hurt.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNfQ0ORwSDM
That was brilliant I loved what RD was doing That was cute when Twi did the cannonball Didn't realize twi had such a big bath tub looking forward to the next chapter
We already know that Rainbow Dash writes SI stories. This chapter confirms that they are SI fanfics and usually very cloppy ones at that.
First paragraph had me smiling, the second had me laughing and I haven't stopped quite yet.
Loyalty, a.k.a. the one who just shoves everybody into the ocean sometimes.
Ah well, it's just bubbly fun times not like an actual novel or something.
I just had to read this again. So much awesome packed into so few words.
I also just love how literally you took the prompt. Truly thinking outside the box on that one, and not for the first time, either.
That, sir, was brilliant. I'm glad I waited until Monday morning before reading this. Now I'm going to be giggling for hours.
1957407>>1959976
Happy to hear you liked it!
1959977
Glad you liked it! Homeworld is one of my all-time favorite games, bar none. Wrote my own mods for it, played every variation of it - just really, really well-done. Don't be surprised if you hear ponies talk about meeting at Tenhauser Gate or sunbathing at Diamond Shoals.
1959992>>1960174>>1960221
Yep! His caretaker is hot and so is her marefriend. All their friends are, too. Really, what's not to like? Twilight's not exactly his mom, though she did technically hatch him, nor is she his sister. Luckily for all of them.
1960014
Had to find a use for Shy somewhere! Maybe I'll fit that ZecoraShy piece in here somewhere.
1960055
True, and Fluttershy too, unless Dash can distract Twilight with the Staff of Nes-Tele...
1960159
Heh. Since adding this chapter, I've started spelling out all the shoutouts, inside jokes, and references like that in all my stories.
1960505
Or Rarity, though she might share joint custody of it with Pinkie.
1960191
Hopefully interesting in a good way, and not in a "funny colored roadkill" kind of way.
The single word she heard from Magic was one that echoed through the sleepy Ponyville night and would one day pass on into legend.
“CANNONBALL!”
Made my day!
I just finished all the chapters in one sitting. thank you for the giggles. I have been laughing almost the entire time.
2028329
The other's rainbow-maned...
Rainbow Dash is best self-insert
what the frell a farscape reference
just don't tell winnowna
I loved this chapter! Hell, I love this story, I have no idea why it took me so long to read it!
Poor "balloons" , "hat" and the other girls... I can only imagine that they have been totally neglected as friends ever since these two mares hooked up! Think the elements of harmony would even work anymore??
there is a book called HIT ME by: Lawrence Block lol right
Twilight is standing with her hooves crossed? Is she on her hind legs? That is an odd way for a pony to be standing.
Wut?
Really?
Uhh...chocolate milk?
Hahaha this made my day!
3609591
Leaning on the frame, legs crossed at the knees. A lot of people do something similar when they dance “The Potty Dance”