Onward sailed the Elements of Harmony, their tiny and ridiculously inadequate craft storm-tossed on the roiling sea. Wave after wave crashed over the bow as thunderclouds above and merciless ocean below conspired to end their journey.
“Eep!” cried Kindness, hiding under a gunwale. She quivered in paralyzing terror next to Generosity, who refused to lift a single freakin’ hoof to help for fear that her precious mane would get mussed. As usual.
Laughter stepped bravely and absolutely uselessly to the railing and made epically funny faces at the thunderhead, her expressions a catalog of contortions and clown-y stuff. Somehow the winds failed to laugh and blew harder than before. “Wow,” she mused, “tough crowd!”
“Gee, imagine that!” quipped handsome and dashing Loyalty. “Say, Magic, you foxy little egghead, can you magic this storm away?”
“Not this time, you gorgeous hunk of pony perfection!” gushed Magic, her sweet little rain-slicked flank looking particularly hot. “My magic is suddenly and inexplicably ineffective against this weather! If only some brave pegasus would save me, I would be hers forever!”
“Done and done, sweetcheeks!” Awesomely epic fight music blared from the heavens as Loyalty leapt into the skies, her rainbow trail a beacon of hope and amazingness for all ponykind. Before her skilled hooves the stormclouds fled in panic, the hindmost kicked into wisps of harmless cirrus by Loyalty, who totally aced the job by shaping the rest of the clouds into her cutie mark in, like, no seconds flat.
Landing on the ship’s deck with her usual unmatched flourish, Loyalty flexed her wings in the spreading sunlight as the heavens themselves opened to congratulate her. Magic rushed to her side, throwing her hooves around the stunning mare, making that face she makes when Loyalty knows she’s totally getting lucky the second they’re out of danger.
Finishing her thank-you-for-saving-all-our-flanks-again makeout session with Loyalty, Magic trotted to the ship’s wheelhouse and gave the other Elements a four-hour lecture on the history of lectures about storm lectures, because, you know, when you’ve just barely escaped with your lives, that’s the first thing on your list of ways to pass the time while you dry off, right? While she was blathering on and on and fraggin’ on, Loyalty motioned to Generosity to join her at the stern.
“Oh darling, dearest,” she droned in that whiny voice that I have no idea how Fluttershy can stand, “I couldn’t possibly frou frou hoity-toity hooficure Prench dainty doily yadda yadda yadda.”
Loyalty rubbed her temple, looked around to make sure Magic’s lecture had successfully bored the rest of the Elements to sleep, and promptly kicked Generosity over the railing. She landed with a ‘ploop’ and mercifully sank below the waves before she could inflict another of her beauty tips on the rest of the Elements.
Magic looked up from the thousand pages of lecture notes which she somehow manages to pack on every single frelling trip we take and scratched her cute little head. “Loyalty, have you seen Generosity? I was hoping to lecture everyone at least once this trip.”
Loyalty shined her hooves and stared ruggedly out to sea. “She lost a false eyelash overboard and dove in to get it. I’m sure she’ll be fine. She said she’d tread water for a couple of weeks and wait for us on the return trip.”
Magic’s eyes glazed over at the awesomely azure sight before her. Blinking a few times, she muttered, “I somehow believe every word you just said.” Magic’s humongous brain usually turned to oatmeal around Loyalty, and today was no exception.
Suddenly the sea rumbled around them, threatening to shake the boat to splinters. The Elements fought in vain to keep their balance on the rain-slicked deck, except for Loyalty, who can, you know, fly. From out of the depths a scaly head exploded, borne on a vast coiling body bristling with terrible spines. The sea-serpent’s scales glistened in the sunlight like … like …
“Plates of iridescent armor, forged in the fires of some crystalline abyss?”
Yeah, totally! The towering beast roared with a deafening cry, circling the little ship as its occupants cowered in fright before its evil evilness. Except for Loyalty, of course, who glared at the great beast defiantly.
“Shucks an’ tarnation!” exclaimed Honesty. “Gol-dangit, y’all! Ah cain’t buck that there critter. It ain’t no apple tree, ya know, sugacube? Maybe if’n it comes closer, Ah kin chuck mah hat at it!”
Kindness peeked out from under a tarp strung between two barrels of gunpowder and squeaked, “Is it, um, a flaky chaos god or some little forest creature I can use the lotta-freakin’-good-it-did-against-Discord ‘stare’ on?” Loyalty shook her head, her +5 Mane of Uniqueness waving gallantly in the breeze. “Oh, well, I guess, if it’s, um, okay with you, then, Eep!”
Loyalty rolled her stunning magenta eyes as a brilliant tactical plan unfolded in her razor-sharp mind. Lifting the dripping tarp and twirling it into a tight bundle, Kindness and gunpowder and all, she spun it around and around, hurling the pitiful pony package toward the ravenously fangy creature. Naturally, ‘cause it was Loyalty’s plan, the monster fell for it and gobbled up the entire bundle, which it swallowed in a single voracious gulp, burping gunpowder and yellow feathers.
Loyalty launched off the deck to a trumpet fanfare, weaving in and out of the creature’s snapping jaws, circling tighter and tighter until it wavered and swayed in dizziness. With the fiend temporarily stunned, Loyalty sped into the sky, a rainbow contrail marking her … her …
“Marvelous ascent to the lofty heavens?”
Exactly! At her apogee, she turned, leveled a hoof toward the massive scaly brute, and shouting her catchphrase of “Who’s the mare? I’m the mare!” she dove toward the ocean with unbelievable speed. She felt the familiar shock cone forming around her, and mere seconds before impact, she pulled up triumphantly as her …
“Sonic Rainboom split the air and detonated the gunpowder barrels, sending the foul creature’s viscera raining down over miles of uncharted ocean?”
Totally! Victorious, naturally, she lit by the ship’s wheel as Magic rushed to her side and proclaimed Loyalty’s undying magnificence and irresistible sexiness. Loyalty turned to Laughter and Honesty and raising one stupendous eyebrow, asked, “Shouldn’t you two be out looking for Kindness and Generosity?” Balloons and Hat nodded blankly and jumped overboard, disappearing under the cruel sea as Loyalty held Magic close and …
Twilight stood in the bathroom doorway, hooves crossed and eyes squinting. “Dash, why is the Element of Magic grinding its jewel against the jewel on the Element of Loyalty?”
“GAH!” Rainbow leapt out of the bathtub, panting, soapy water covering the walls as bubbles floated gently through the room. “How … How long have you been standing there, Twi?”
The unicorn’s muzzle showed the slightest hints of a budding smirk. “Oh, long enough.”
Dash’s ears drooped soggily and her eyes shot wide. “Please, please, Twi, don’t tell the Princess I was using the Elements as …”
“Bath toys? Well, okay,” she grinned, “under one condition.”
“Anything, Twilight!”
“Pick them up, and stand aside.”
Quickly gathering five soapy necklaces and a waterlogged tiara, Dash stood up and waited. The single word she heard from Magic was one that echoed through the sleepy Ponyville night and would one day pass on into legend.
“CANNONBALL!”