Forgotten Bookcases

by Cynical

Youth

Forgotten Bookcases
By M3lancholy

The darkness cools
Once warm seas
The island a prisoner
To watch the others pleas

Youth

Sometimes I wonder what everyone else thought when I locked myself away. I wonder whether they'd pity me for being unable to let go, or whether they'd ignore me, leaving me to my depression. I say that I wondered… I already knew what five ponies would have had to say to me.

Applejack would have told me to remember that I still had a job and that job needed to be done.
Rarity would have insisted on a trip to the spa to calm me down and 'release my inner Zen'. Whatever the hell that meant.
Fluttershy wouldn't have said anything much, she would have enveloped me in a hug, assuring me that everything would be fine.
Pinkie would have thrown a party for one reason or another, maybe even for no reason.
And finally Rainbow Dash, who would have tried to be supportive in her own way, would have shrugged and said, 'Work with what you get.'
That motto was quickly becoming a favourite of mine.

One thing that I could never fathom, was just what Celestia felt beneath that poker face of hers. What she'd felt for me after I'd been abandoned and isolated. I wondered whether she felt sorry for me, for putting my faith in my friends, or whether she felt contempt for the very same thing.

Celestia did manage to teach me one last lesson before she left mind you,
She taught me that trying to persuade someone who is in a major depression to do something was completely pointless.
I should know…
I did know.

~~~~~

It was two days later. I'd tried talking to Dash whenever I could, trying to regain some semblance of the Dash that I once knew, the brash and cocky mare that I'd known for my whole stint in Ponyville, yet never finding it. She remained inconsolable and unreachable. Not that I blamed her, she was still having trouble accepting it all I think… that she'd never be able to fly again. And to that end, I'm not sure what I, or anyone else for that matter, could do.

I asked Dash if she wanted me to send out letters to our friends, to see if they could help or could come and visit us.
She replied a negative, saying that she didn't want our friends to see her like this, to see her flightless and broken.
I tried to convince her that none of our friends would ever be that judgemental, but to no avail. She insisted that she wanted no letters to be written, asking for advice or visits, then adamantly refused to take in any of the consoling words I had for her.
Rainbow had always been stubborn like that.

During the two days, we hadn't settled down into a routine yet, but it looked like it was only a matter of time as I awoke in Dash's bed each morning, my attempts at comforting her seemingly successful, and went to make breakfast. As the toast was down, I went back to Dash's room and knocked on the door, my voice still cheery from the usual euphoria of comforting Dash, and returned to the cooking breakfast.

She would then wander in moments before the toast popped up, saying nothing to me as I hummed happily to myself, hopeful that today would be a new day. I buttered the toast and added some chocolate spread, then some jam, honey, cream and peanut butter with the practiced ease of someone forced to do so by a marefriend with odd tastes.

I then made my own breakfast, usually a bowl of porridge or cereal, and sat down with Dash, my expression usually light and cheerful at the start of the meal, and by the end of it after a few failed attempts at starting the conversation, my expression would have reverted to that of a glum pony. And from there the day would continue, I would leave Dash to her grieving while my heart went out to her, yet I only ever tried to break her out from her depression when the mealtimes came around and I offered a few passable attempts at conversation starters.

Yet all the while, Rainbow remained resolutely mute. She simply ate her meals and then went back to her room, to write in her leather-bound book. I know that because I once walked in on her writing. It was the only thing so far that's managed to get a response out of her, albeit a negative one. She snapped the book shut and hid it behind her back, shooting me an accusing glare.

I fled.

What else could I do? I never spoke to her about it; it seemed too sensitive a topic to bring up. Added to the fact that I think my relationship was walking on eggshells at the moment, I foalishly attempted to ignore the problem in the hopes that it would go away.
How stupid that was.

Today was the same; I walked another knife edge, this one so much different from the edged I once longed to walk. Where falling meant losing Dash from me, yet there was no end in sight, nor a widening edge for me to find a balance. There was a reprieve that day though, and it came in the form of a knock at the door.

I went to answer it, my spirits gloomy as per the normal. I opened the door to see a blast from the past.

On my doorstep, there was a pony in a deep blue jacket wearing a peaked cap. She was a pegasus whose wings were slightly smaller than the wings that I'd seen around and her cutie mark was a ring of blue flames. But none of these were as recognisable as the dark purple hair and orange coat that I'd known upon a small filly long ago.
"Scootaloo?" I asked, too surprised to do much else.
"Oh hey Twilight. I heard that Rainbow was staying with you, is it ok if I say hi?" she asked, as perky as I could remember.

I nodded mutely; too surprised to do anything else, I hadn't seen any of the Cutie Mark Crusaders since, well, too long ago.
I stepped aside to let Scootaloo in, I really couldn't think of any other action at the moment. Not that she seemed to find any qualms with simply jumping inside the house and looking around. "So where is she?" Scootaloo asked as soon as she'd looked around and noted everything she needed to.

I opened and closed my mouth for a moment before answering, "She's in the guest room at the moment… door at the end of the hallway." I said hesitantly, not even sure if Dash wanted any visitors.
She thanked me and started down the hallway, not even pausing to ask if she was allowed to… I suppose she took after Dash like that, in more ways than one. I should probably mention that she's been the head of the Lightning Riders, the non-aerial stunt team, for a few years now. I even heard that she made captain a while back.

I dared to let my hopes rise…
Maybe this was what Dash needed, somepony who could relate to her and say that it wasn't the end of the world.
Then again, Dash did have a habit of being overly melodramatic when it came to her flight, both the good and the bad.

I followed Scootaloo after a moment, slipping in through the closing door to Dash's room to find the two of them sat on the bed, facing the fire. Neither of them noticed me as I leant against the wall and listened to their conversation.

"Why are you here?" Dash.
"I heard about what happened."
"That's not what I asked."
"I'm here because I still care for you, you know."
"No."
After that, a long silence followed, neither of them speaking and preferring to look into the fire and let the seconds tick by.

"I guess this is hard for you, losing your wings I mean."
A non-committal grunt from Dash was her only answer
"Well, I mean it'd be hard for anypony, losing their wings, but for you… you had everything resting on them didn't you? Everything. Your work, your hobbies, your hopes and your dreams. I mean, wow. That's got to suck."
"You're not helping here." Dash growled out, still facing the fire, although I knew that if I saw her face, she'd be crying again.

Scootaloo paused, then laughed, such a strange sound for a room this sombre. "No, I suppose I'm not really. But think about it Dash, at least you had a chance to fly the skies and be a Wonderbolt." she said, her voice steady, although I wondered whether her tears might be joining Dash's as she briefly fluttered her under-sized wings.
All Dash could say though, was nothing.
"And maybe this isn't as bad as you're making it out to be? There's still so much stuff you can do on the ground, you can still live, there're even other ways to get that adrenaline thrill you want."

"Like How?" Rainbow spoke, her voice bitter, "How could anything ever replace flying?"
Scootaloo shrugged helplessly, "Maybe something could, maybe skydiving? That might be a way." she offered
Rainbow remained silent again, letting Scootaloo fill the silences how she chose.
"Oh, I know, you can come to a tour session that we're holding tomorrow in the park, that's the Lightning Riders by the way," Scootaloo said, "Maybe you can see that I've lived just fine without wings." she finished with a sad smile.
"You never got to try the skies though." Dash replied in an empty voice. "You were always just a chicken."
It was Scootaloo’s turn to remain silent; I suspected that any tears which she’d been holding in were making their way down her cheeks now.

I slipped out after that, leaving the two the same way I entered, silently and quickly. I had no desire to hear Dash like that, empty, soulless and calculating. So far from the Dash I knew, my Dash. I fled them to hide in the kitchen, waiting for Scootaloo to emerge from Dash's room, which she did after another half an hour, tear-free and stone-faced. She nodded once to me, then left the house.

Then again, if the fact that Scootaloo had turned up today surprised me, this next bit completely blew me out of the water. After Scootaloo left, I went down the corridor to check on Dash, not sure how badly she was feeling after Scootaloo's visit. I knocked on the door, expecting silence, but was amazed when she spoke from the other side.
"Twilight? If that's you, can you come in please?" she asked, voice slightly distant, but present all the same.
The breath caught in my throat as I used my magic to turn the handle and enter the room. Rainbow was still sat on the bed, facing the fire. I joined her, sitting beside her where Scootaloo had sat and joined her in staring into the fire, waiting for her to speak.

"Scootaloo was right." she started, "She said that there's more to life than flying." She sighed, pausing, "I don't have to like it, but she was right"
I didn't say anything, letting Dash get whatever she wanted to say over with.
"I'm sorry Twi, I know I'm being hard to deal with and that this is hurting you. But it's just so hard for me…" she said haltingly, pausing after every second or third word. "But things are going to get better now." she said, her voice steadier and sporting a smile as she put a hoof around my back. "Scootaloo's invited us to their tour tomorrow, to show me that there's more than one way to live."
I simply smiled, putting my own hoof around Dash's back and leaning my head on her shoulder and letting none of my misgivings show.
"I hope you're right."

~~

So the next day, as promised, Scootaloo showed up and took us to the park, where a stadium had been set up. Scootaloo walked straight up to the entrance, me and Dash in tow, and simply nodded at the bouncer who showed us all in. Once inside, we could see that numerous ramps and a few carts were placed in a seemingly haphazard way. Me and Dash both went to find our seats, chatting about what Scootaloo could have planned. It was a relief for me to see Rainbow as perky as she was again; she was happy and vibrant, and as close to her old self as she'd been since the accident. It was truly amazing to see.

Once we reached our seats, a VIP box at the head of the stadium, we sat down and waited for the show to begin, keeping the chatter up as the rest of the stadium filled, then overfilled with so many ponies that the stewards had to stop letting them in. I chuckled at that, Scootaloo had definitely found fame in something she loved to do.

We didn't have to wait long after the stewards closed the entrances, Scootaloo coming out on stage in her daredevil outfit, a khaki jacket with the name 'SCOOTALOO' tattooed onto the back with the inscription of 'Captain' just above it, the logo of the Lightning Riders emblazoned on the front of the jacket. She looked like she was having the time of her life down there as she reached the microphone and started to speak to the crowd.

"Welcome one; welcome all, to the Lightning Riders Equestrian tour… Ponyville edition!" she called to the crowds’ approval, several of them screaming something unintelligible at the stage. "As some of you know, I lived in Ponyville, long ago." a pause, and another round of approving noises from the crowd. "And while I lived there, there was one pony who taught me all I needed to know to be where I am today." she said into the microphone, the response this time slightly muted.

"I'd like to ask Rainbow Dash, my fillyhood role model, to step over here and see the show that she helped create in her own way!"
The crowd became silent as they processed this new piece of information; I glanced to my side to see Rainbow with tears in her eyes. I gave her a prod.
"Go on, you owe it to Scoots to see what she has planned."
She nodded to me, a smile on her face, contrasting her damp eyes, and she opened the door we'd come in through, and made her way down to the centre of the stadium.

When Rainbow appeared, the muttering stopped as everyone focussed their eyes on her, inevitably finding their own way to the absence of her wings. The muttering started up again, this time much more fervent and noticeable. I looked at Dash as her ears fell, her pace slowing down and becoming a funeral walk.

Then one pony, somewhere in the stadium, stamped their hoof against the floor, then another, and another, until moments later, the whole stadium was filled with the cheering ponies from before, the difference this time being that they were all calling out 'Rainbow Dash' this time. I saw my Dash steel herself and walk up to the stage again, her confidant swagger back along with her smile.

Rainbow embraced Scootaloo on stage while the crowd cheered, then she moved to the microphone and started talking,
"So, uh- hey everypony…" she began, then took a breath, noticeably steadying herself. She glanced to me, and my smile seemed to bolster her confidence, "So- uh- sorry everyone, I don't have a speech or anything, so I'm going to keep it simple. Thank you Scootaloo for this, thank you for getting me out here." she paused, looking around before turning back to the mic. "Sorry, that’s all I've got. Enjoy the show I suppose." Rainbow took an uncertain step back, turning back to where the VIP chair was situated, meanwhile Scootaloo stepped up to the microphone,
"So without any more delays, speeches or whatever, we bring you…"
A pause.
"The Lightning Riders!"

I watched Rainbow from my spot in the stands. For the first time in too long, she looked happy. She looked like she was enjoying herself, I suppose I needed to give Scootaloo more credit, she did know what it would take to cheer Dash up, and hopefully keep her away from doing something silly. I didn't pay attention to any of the fantastical stunts that the daredevils performed, only interested in my Dash and how she was.

I watched her smile and clap at the stage, give a whoop when Scootaloo went whizzing by, and I saw her gaze turn to one of surprise as an almighty 'CLANG' sounded, I looked down to see one of the riders fall into a skid on the ramp, no-longer going straight, he was going at an angle, just as Scootaloo was about to come into its new trajectory, which also included where Rainbow was sat, the same surprised look still on her face as things took a turn for the worse.

And here I was, unable to do anything but watch as both my Marefriend and the pony who'd shown her the way forward get squashed beneath the large bike, right in front of me.

I let out a shout of frustration, my emotions bubbling over and fighting for the attention of one another.
It took me a… well. I can't really say that it took me a second to notice.
Time had stopped around me.

I became aware of my lit horn, my emotions boiling over to the point of being nonsense. I became aware of a shining light, somewhere in my mind amidst the dark thoughts. I grabbed it with both hooves, realising that all was not lost.
'I would not let them die, as my word as Twilight Sparkle. I would not let them die.'
So preoccupied was I that I didn't notice as my mane became weightless and flowed freely above my head.

I trotted down from the stand, making my careful way across the park to where the stand was, and where my marefriend was still sat. A look of surprise plastered on her face, maybe it was because my coat had started turning dark again? I didn't know because I didn't notice at the time. Just as I was about to touch Dash though, a voice rang out in my head.

'I wouldn't do that if I were you.' the voice said, drearily, almost as if it was bored.
I spun around, looking for the source, finding frozen statues everywhere that I looked. "What? Who are you? Show yourself!" I shouted into the still air, or rather… I tried to.
The passage of time meant that none of my shout carried across the air, it remained deep within my throat instead.

'I said, I wouldn't do that if I were you.' the voice repeated, 'As to who I am… how could you forget yourself. I am you Twilight.' it said, its tone almost hurt.
I looked around for another moment, deciding that it was at least not coming from any external influence. "Alright… me… why shouldn't I touch her?" I asked into the immobile air.
The voice let out an exasperated sigh, 'Starswirls sixth rule of influencing time as a singular, if you try to interact with the world, then time returns to normal, allowing your action to take place… you know this.' the voice stated accusingly.

"I- Of course I- How could I forget." I stammered, my world falling down around me again. "So I have to… I have to choose between them?" I asked the still frame.

This wasn't a choice.
This was torture.
My marefriend, or my marefriends salvation.
One choice doomed my marefriend now, and the other in a matter of weeks… What sort of choice was that?

'There is a third option…' the voice spoke up, making itself known again.
"What?" I asked, my thoughts desperate.
'I could help you. I could prevent both from dying here.'
"What do you mean?" I asked, "It's impossible, you said so yourself."
I had the distinct impression that if the voice had eyes to roll, it would be rolling them. 'Hello… magic? If you can grab Dash with your hooves, I can divert your magic to save Scootaloo instantaneously.'

I went through the theory in my head, it was completely sound. During the split second when my magic became ineffective and useless against the flow of time, it could be used to nudge Scootaloo out of the way. I was about to open my mouth to reply an emphatic 'Yes' when I was interrupted.
'If, you agree to do something for me.' The voice said, the tone level.
"Well I assume that because you're me, you want something that is for me and will benefit me as well as you, well, me. So what is it?" I asked.

'You see that rider, the one who is about to smush Scootaloo and Dash?' it asked.
"Yes."
'I want you to kill him.' The voice said simply, still completely level.
"Ye- Wait… what?" I replied, not sure that I'd heard that correctly.
'You heard me. I want you to kill the pony who would nearly end Dash's and Scootaloo’s life due to some silly mistake that he made, a mistake that should never have happened, and a mistake which would cost the two ponies that matter to you at the moment.' the voice explained, a hint of malice entering into the tone as its volume rose, passionate about what it spoke of.

"No." I replied, I suddenly knew whose voice this was, I knew it was the voice of the Nightmare.
'So be it, you're just going to have to choose between the two then.' the voice of the Nightmare said, I could even imagine the smirk it wore.
"I- I can do both. I'm Twilight Sparkle." I said, my confidence bolstered as I said it.
'Twilight Sparkle, EX-student of Princess Celestia' the voice started, throwing in my old title as an added barb, 'Do you know the timings for such a feat? After the spell drops, you will have less than half a second to nudge poor little Scootaloo out of the way, It takes full concentration to do it properly.'

"Shut up. Shut up. I can do this… I can do this." I muttered, whatever boost my confidence had had previously now forgotten.
'Just so you know. If you go for both, then you risk all three of you, so no pressure.' the Nightmare said cheerily. I gritted my teeth, trying to ignore its constant voice.
'Can you imagine what it's like to die like that… being squished until your eyes pop out of your skull and all your bones shatter simultaneously? And imagine what sort of life you'd have if you survived something like that. Forever to live a cripple and on life support forevermore. And then there's the-'

"Alright." I spoke without realising it. My brain already trying to dispel the images that the voice had wrought.
"Alright… I'll do it."
'Excellent, all you need to do is stop is heart from beating, but why am I telling you this, you already know how to do the task.'
"Shut up… just because I agreed doesn't mean I have to like it." I replied, new images springing to mind, these ones more specific to the task at hoof.

The voice of the nightmare laughed inside my head, manic peals of raucous mirth echoing around my head.
'Oh but Twilight, just you wait. Just. You. Wait. Anyway, down to the task at hoof, when I say so, I want you to grab Scootaloo in your magic, saving her whilst stopping the riders heart, then I can grab Dash and run.' the voice stated, all business.
"No, I'll grab Dash, you take Scootaloo, I don't trust you enough to give you Dash." I said to the thin air,
The mirthless response came a moment later, 'As you wish. You will still stop the drivers’ heart though.' the voice instructed.
I nodded.
The Nightmare grinned through my teeth.

'Let me run through this again. On the count of three, you shall grab Dash and stop the riders heart, I will not move to save your friend until I can feel that you have cast the spell'
I nodded.
'Then let’s begin.'
'3'

I wondered what my friends would think of me, doing this now, preparing to kill a pony in order to save two.
It was for the greater good, that was it.
'2'

Maybe the Princesses would understand my predicament; maybe they would have helped me, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Maybe they'd just throw me in a cell and deal with me like that.
'1'

And what would Dash think? Would she thank me for saving her life? For giving her a third chance? For killing a pony to do it?
Or would she yell at me for killing a pony in order to save her, that I should have remained honourable and saved Scootaloo? I just didn't know.
'0, go!'

Too late, I'd have to do it and live with the consequences, I felt my horn light up by some unknown force as my hooves found their way over to Dash, lifting her up bodily and shoving her out of the way, preparing to release the spell on the rider as I did so, then I hesitated, looking at his heart, strong, beating, and given to another. I could see it, the same way that a person walking around an empty house might get an idea of the occupants’ lives. I saw that he had a wife and three children, all of whom depended on him for their upkeep. I couldn't do it. Not like this, to this pony with so much to live for.
Then the magic died.
Then the rider hit Scootaloo.

I winced as I heard the shatter of many bones and saw Scootaloo launched sideways out of her bike, a look of surprise still plastered on her face. I sent out a sliver of magic to direct Scootaloo's fall to Earth to a safer one. Then turned to where the rider was still falling.
I was mad; my mane was billowing around my head, ashen grey with small slivers of magma twisting their way throughout occasionally.
He'd just done that.
He'd just crashed into Scootaloo, the only pony to get Dash out of her shell lately.
The only other pony to come and check on Rainbow for that matter.

And he'd just smashed into her.

My eyes flashed bright white as I reached out and stopped his heart.

I felt nothing.
No remorse, no horror at what I'd done, no sense of righteousness, nothing.
I felt nothing as my coat, mane and eyes all reverted back to those of Twilight Sparkle.
I felt nothing as I turned to where Scootaloo now laid, on a bale of hay, with her back bent at an odd angle.
I felt nothing when the world came crashing back around me, when the medics stormed the track, going first to Scootaloo, then to the corpse in the truck.
I felt nothing when I found Dash, yelling at the top of her lungs to see the captain of the Lightning Riders as she was hauled into the ambulance.

I felt nothing.

~~~~~

And that's where I truly lost control.
I lost control over my emotions, my power, and my mind.
And though I didn't know it then, I lost control of a lot of other things too.

But that's a story for another day.

I will say that I lied within this chapter.
When I killed that Stallion.
When I took my revenge on him.

I felt…

Good.

Author's Note:

Exams are over and I have no excuse for the late post, especially as it only took me an hour and a half of downtime to finish it… yeah.

Anyway, lets recap:

Twilight's losing a battle with her sanity
Rainbow's running out of reasons to continue living
Scootaloo is likely to have just canned it

Story summed up in three lines… not sure if good or not.

Anyway, that was chapter 5, the next chapters should come out much quicker than before as I've worked on small parts of them in the midst of working on other chapters and various oneshots.

Also before anyone starts raging about OOC stuff, I have two reasons/excuses:
1. Ten years have passed since canon season two. Ten years is a long time. A lot can happen.
2. Rainbow is suffering from depression, which can make a lot of people, or in this case ponies, unreasonably and unwilling to see sense.
3. Because I wrote it like that.

There you are, two… no wait, three reasons.

Comments

[Desol]

Hrm. All told, I like the chapter, but not too keen on how the Nightmare is written. Maybe it's just me, but it seems too melodramatic, too cliché villain. I've never really been one for the evil-voice-in-the-head with proper dialogue, I guess. Not really a major thing though, just my personal preference. Either way, nice to see another chapter on this and to continue seeing Dash's recovery and Twi's downward spiral.

[Cynical]

2036181

Thanks for the comment, I guess what I was trying to do was to make it sound like the side of Twilight which has truly lost control, look at the two parallels so to speak and use it as a guide to how far she has left.
Yes I did just make that up on the spot, but it's actually true.

Good news though, she's not going to have that voice in the head for much longer.

[Desol]

2036652 I understand, yeah. Like I say, it's not exactly a bad thing, I just find that proper dialogue from a head-voice feels cheesy. S'just me :P I feel kinda sorry for Twi, too. She killed the stallion in the end anyway and didn't even get Scoot's life out of the deal.

[martyr_yoen]

i am preparing for the feels

[Cynical]

5852421 Mostly forgotten I think.

It's probably unlikely to be continued for that matter - at least not in the near future. This frankly isn't a very good story and looking at it is not good for my health. If it ever does get continued, or at least seriously considered for continuation, it'd either be re-worked completely, or completely destroyed from here.

Yeah... it's pretty much gone.