Sometimes, you're not the special pony. Emerald is not the special pony. Between living with his dragon, being friends with an eccentric author, his job, life was not exciting. He dreamed of a different world, one where he was a hero, saving the princess and being rich and famous.
So when his friend ask him to go to the Grand Galloping Gala as his guest, he takes the offer. That's when things started to get interesting.
An odd letter. A death threat. A disgruntled officer. The name.
The Keepers of the Night.
For some, the Grand Galloping Gala is the best night ever. For Emerald, it was the beginning of his journey through a world that few ponies knew existed.
Cover art by James Corck, artist behind the Ask Movie Slate tumblr.
Chapters (11)
Dude.
STOP USING PONY CREATOR!
nobody likes it.
Also, story was bad.
1657296 harsh. Sometimes people who can't draw need to rely on that. Also, I don't think the story was 'bad'. I do believe, however, that he could do better. I looked at his account, and this is actually his first story. I think it's pretty well written for his first.
1657345
okay.
Well, if it's your first story, excused.
If you can't draw, just look something up on Google Images. That's what I do for every single one of my stories.
And sorry if I did seem a little harsh.
Forgiven?
I was planning on getting a commission, but it's taking some time...so I figured I would post it and get a cover picture when it was finished...sorry, I thought I went over all the rules and made sure it was good before it was posted.
And yes, you're forgiven, I'm sorry.
As far as first go, this wasn't half bad.
Well done.
1657376
It's not about the rules... It's that using a pony creator image /looks/ lazy, and is associated with the many many badly written fics on the site.
If you had actually broken one of the site's official rules, there would have been a MASSIVE s***storm.
Anyway, good luck with your story.
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This could actually turn into something interesting with a bit of work, currently the first chapters and many others feel like I am reading the bare bones of a story though, the humor is not bad but could be worked on to improve it.
The issue of HPL.... why is he called by his normal human name? This is Equestria so it seems rather unlikely not to have a ponified version of it, a small issue but could be resolved easily (peculiar parents etc), also feels like its moving to quickly, but that could just be me.
Anyway, I see promise, but it needs worked on to create something exceptional, keep trucking fella!
Remember, The Stars are Right!
Hrm this story looks like it could become rather interesting.
Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything.
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Interesting . . . good grammar, good spelling, reasonable OCs, good pacing . . . at a glance, I suspect the downvotes are due to the now-absent Pony Creator pic. It's not particularly fair, but PC images are usually associated with hack writing around here, so having no cover art is better than that.
I only have a couple of suggestions, as this is actually quite good.
Write our numbers. "Three" instead of "3," for example.
The letter "A" shouldn't be capitalized. This looks like a simple typo.
Consider revising this sentence. As its constructed now, we see the lobby, the pony, and then the flash of light. The flash of light should precede the teleporting pony. Maybe something like
The mirror scene is a little clumsy, but not terrible. It's usually best to work your PoV character's description in naturally, rather than dump it all at once, even if this means we don't know what he looks like at first.
I'm not sure about the character of HP. He's pretty clearly intended as a pony version of the actual Lovecraft, but I feel he should have a pony name, like Hoofcraft or Haycraft or something. Also, he seems awfully . . . excitable. I also find it questionable that the Equestrian version of Lovecraft would write the exact same stories as human!Lovecraft, with the same titles and text and everything. I won't gripe too loudly about this, as it's clearly a major point to the story, but as a brony and a Lovecraft fan it seems a little lazy.
But overall, this is interesting and well-written. Glad to see it! Keep writing, and have a watch.
Also, good on you for not using "it's my first story!" as a shield against criticism. I wish more first stories were like this one.
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Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak
1657345 While your right on it being ok. No fan fic EVER should use pony creator. It is assosiated with shit, doesn't matter if he cant draw, DONT USE A PIC IF YOU CANT BLOODY GOOGLE IT!
Twas all right, nothing massively wrong with it except the now removed pony creator pic.
1657564 Why does it look like to me that he has his dick out?!
1658317
Knight of Gak.
Is that a thing now?
If so, sign me up!
1659776
It is now.
Join me in our slimy, multicolored crusade!
1659835
Very well.
I am creating the Knights of Gak group now.
my first FiM story ever read here!! great job I liked it:)
1659835
Must... not... make... tentacle porn... joke...
Thanks everyone for the critiques, suggestions, threats of violence!
I haven't had internet all weekend so I couldn't respond, but I can now and wanted to say thanks.
Anywho, I've taken the suggestions into consideration and I'm trying to come up with HP's new name.
And yes, he's kinda hyper.
Any suggestions I can
stealuse will be appreciated!Thanks again!
Whoa, damn, this is good! Still haven't read all of it, but it is great. Many parts of it made me smile at how relatable to me they were, and how comical they were. Whether the friendship between Emerald and HP was intended to be comical or not, I'm not sure, but some part of me related to that relationship, and just made me smile.
This is going reasonably well, I shall thumbs up!
Elder Sign goes to work fast. XD
(Sorry, had to quote that youtube video. Search for "Elder Sign" on youtube if you haven't seen it.)
Awesome! Can't wait to see what happens next. :D
Hello everyone, the author here. Sorry about taking so long between chapters, but school just started up again and I haven't had time to finish the last 2 chapters. I will post the nest one in the next day or so, I just need to give it another look-over. I have been editing what has been posted, mostly fixing grammatical errors and the like. If I missed any, and you feel like being helpful, feel free to let me know.
1659711
Probably cause he has his dick out.
Neat-arino, new chapter!
The thing I enjoy the most about this story is how it feels like an action/adventure movie
Have a Moustache!
2172872 Thanks!
Hurm... interesting. Your OC is quite similar to mine... except he's a pegasus... and a human.
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