Emerald Shine, Data Analyst
“What’s three weeks from tomorrow?” Hex suddenly asked after we finished ordering.
Hex had dragged me to a café for lunch while I listened to a proposal. I was wary. His ‘proposals’ were usually plans, bordering on insane, for making money or something.
What had him so excited? I shook my head and said, “No idea. What is it?”
He moaned. “Shine! You should know!”
I rolled my eyes and said, “Sorry, I’ve been busy lately. Will you just tell me?”
He shook his head. I glared at him. “You’re gonna make me guess, huh?” He smiled. Bastard.
I sighed and said, “Your new book?” Nope.
“Some new movie?” No.
“The new The Legend of Celestia game?” Head shake.
This was getting annoying. “Birthday?” Shake.
I narrowed my eyes. “Funeral?” He paused for a second, then shook his head.
“Tell me now or it’ll be your funeral!”
Before I could guess again he exclaimed, “The Grand Galloping Gala!” I nearly fell off my seat. One or two other ponies at the café were not as lucky. He was grinning like mad, nearly bouncing in his chair. Ponies around the café were glaring at us.
I shook it off. When Hex got like this, it was impossible to calm him down. I sighed and said slowly, “And I should care why?”
His smile turned into a sly, evil grin as he said, “THE Grand Galloping Gala? WHY should you care? Hmm…oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s because the Wonderbolts are going to be there. Hmm…”
My expression had not changed as I replied, “That’s why you want to go. Why would I want to go?”
He gasped, acting as if I had insulted him. He laughed it off, joking, “Well, I mean, they are the best aerial stunt show in Equestria, who WOULDN’T want to go, you know?”
Now it was my turn for a grin, “Oh really? So you’re not, say, trying to get with the captain…” He started to sweat. Good. I continued, “Good ol…whats-her-face, what was it…” I tapped my chin with my hoof. Hex looked on the verge of screaming. Finally I said slowly, “Spit…Pyre?”
He blushed bright red and said, “SPITFIRE! Her name is SPIT-FIRE!”
I feigned surprise and said, “Oh…right. So you’re gonna try and hit on her at the Gala?” He nodded confidently.
“How are you going to get tickets?” I asked, a note of boredom in my voice.
His grin returned. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” he said, chuckling. He leaned forward and said, “I got invited, and I have an extra ticket. Care to join me?”
“I don’t really want to spend another night watching you try to get her attention. Can we both just agree it won’t happen for either of us?” I sighed.
“Oh, come on Emerald!” Hex whined. He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, “You and I will have a lot of fun together, for the whole night!”
“Sorry, I don’t swing that way,” I said flatly.
He let me go and leaned back, “Don’t worry, I’m out of your league anyway. Even if I was into stallions, no thanks.”
I fired back, “You sound desperate. Spitfire still not giving you any?”
“How’s it with Princess Luna?” he countered with.
K. O! I choked on my drink. A few ponies were glaring at us, annoyed by our constant outbursts.
“Oh right! You’re desperate, like me!” He laughed.
I wiped my mouth and stuttered, “Sh-shut up!”
He smiled and said, “So you didn’t know that Princess Luna will be at the Gala this year?”
I perked my ears up. “Really now?” I asked. “Wait…how in Equestria did you get tickets?”
He waved his hoof in the air and said, “Bah. Details.”
-----
I couldn’t believe my luck. Was this good or horrible?
I still hadn’t decided if I would go when I got back to my house later that evening. Hex had shoved the extra ticket into my hooves anyway, but I wasn’t sure. I was glad for the invitation though. Work had been killing me lately, so anything to take my attention away from it was welcomed. I was almost certain that the Gala would not go as I hoped, but I couldn’t completely resist taking Hex’s offer.
“The minute he said Princess Luna would be there, I knew there would be no denying it. Could I say it was fate? Or just luck? I always assumed such an opportunity would never happen, so now that it has, I have no idea what to do!” I explained.
“Stop being so depressing! Keep thinking like that, and I’ll freeze you,” Moorfrost threatened as I voiced my concerns.
I groaned loudly. That was her reaction to everything I said.
My ice blue dragon assistant, Moorfrost, had been with me since I entered Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. The initial entrance exam was to hatch a dragon’s egg with magic. I passed and got Moorfrost. Her icy name was a joke initially by Hex, but I liked it so much I kept it. She started breathing ice after she ate my project for class on flower species of Equestria.
She pushed a few apples in front of me and said, “You never know what might happen! You may go and meet her, and it turns out she falls for you! Have some hope!”
I groaned again and slammed my head into the table. Probably should have moved the apples first.
The dragon had always been optimistic, even in the worst of times. I figured it balanced out my pessimistic attitude nicely, but it was always a little annoying. I still liked it though.
I lifted an apple (what was left of one) with my magic and took a bite. I put my thoughts together as I ate. Of course I would be happy to have that happen. I’d been dreaming about something like that happening since I saw Luna at my graduation ceremony. She seemed so delicate, so beautiful. But at the same time I was realistic. I was just a slightly above average unicorn data analyst. I had neither riches nor influence. She was a princess! She was an alicorn!
“It’s never gonna happen,” I mutter with a sigh, “The princess and the loser? Ha!”
“As Lovecraft would say, ‘Bah. Details.’ Love could bloom from such odd circumstances!” Moorfrost suggested.
I chuckled. Hex Pen wasn’t the type of pony to let small details get in the way. He would consider my worries to be details, and thus unimportant. But to me, they were game breakers. I wasn’t the kind of unicorn who sweeps the mare off her hooves, even with magic!
“Well, if you don’t want to go, I’ll be more than glad to take the ticket off your hooves! I’m sure somepony will pay a ton of gems for it!” Moorfrost said with a smile.
In an instant the ticket was snatched up in Moorfrost’s claw as she bolted from the kitchen. As I watched her run off I muttered, “Maybe I should just–”
I slapped myself. I needed to snap out of this junk! I shouted, “Get back here with my ticket!”
She hadn’t gotten far when I tackled her to the ground. “Give me the ticket,” I said, the words drenched in annoyance.
“NO! You don’t want to go anyway!” Moorfrost cried.
“Yes I do. Now give me the ticket before I break your legs.”
“No! You won’t go! You’re too scared!” She tried to roll onto her back, but I held her down.
“Nuh-uh. You’re not going to freeze me like last time. Now give me the ticket!”
“On one condition! You have to go and talk to Princess Luna!”
I rolled my eyes. I was going to anyway…probably…
“Ok, I will talk with Princess Luna.”
“And you have to confess your love!” She was grinning. I could see the edges of her mouth curled back!
I groaned, “Fine, I’ll go and confess my love. Now give me the ticket.”
Moorfrost opened her claw and released the small gold ticket. It floated in the air surrounded by my magic. I let her up and said jokingly, “You’re such a little brat sometimes.”
-----
As the night dragged on, I was starting to feel better about the whole situation. Maybe the Gala would go better than I initially thought.
But then the letter came.
The scroll smacked into my ear with a chilly thud. It clattered to the ground as I cursed under my breath. I looked across the room at Moorfrost in her reading chair. She was acting oblivious, but how many ice dragons are in this apartment?
I grumbled and dropped the frozen scroll in the pail of water I keep by my chair. The only downside to having an ice-breathing dragon as an assistant is having to thaw the letters. Also having her burp them directly at you so they always hit something vital.
A few minutes later the smell hit me. I almost dropped my book. I looked over at the pail and noticed the green sheen now present in the water. I pulled the letter out and clamped my mouth shut. It was coming from the seal.
An acrid green seal bearing a squid headed monster with a face of writhing tentacles. The smell…was nothing I could accurately describe. All I could think of was wet, rotting leaves near a shore, a mix of disgusting odors and salty sea air. But even this description didn’t explain it well enough.
I opened it expecting it to be Hex’s neat writing. The entire letter was a single line in blocky letters:
THE STARS ARE RIGHT.
“The…stars are right?” I muttered as I read the only line.
Moorfrost rolled her eyes and groaned, “HP being weird again…” So she was paying attention!
I grabbed a quill and a blank scroll and wrote a quick response to Hex. Moorfrost looked it over once before finally sending it. She can be such a nag sometimes. We waited a few moments before the burp of icy coolness brought another scroll, this one bearing Hex’s usual simple red seal. After thawing, I opened it and read:
Sorry, I’m not sure what you mean. I haven’t sent you any letters all day. Are you sure this isn’t from the fan club or something?
-HP
‘When the stars were right, They could plunge from world to world through the sky; but when the stars were wrong, They could not live.’
I remembered those lines from one of my favorite Lovecraft stories, The Call of Cthulhu.
It was just a prank. Had to be. I must be tired to even consider such a thing.
Moorfrost walked over to my side and asked, “The letter wasn’t from Lovecraft?” I shook my head. She grabbed the letter and smelled the seal. She recoiled immediately, saying, “That isn’t normal wax. The foul smell…it’s nothing I’ve ever experienced. Scented wax usually smells…well, good.”
I looked out the window at the night sky. Even from my crappy place, you could see a good chunk of the sky, as well as the moon.
Were the stars right? Was it the beginning of some age of madness, ruled by the Great Old Ones?
Wait, am I believing this?! They’re fiction! Stories! They were made up!
Hex invented the whole Cthulhu Mythos when he and I were in school together. He spun tales of horrible monsters whose images could kill ponies simply by looking at them, and those that lived were driven to the depths of insanity. Hex invented all the different Great Old Ones and their cult followers. They were a flight of fantasy. They didn’t exist.
Only a madman would believe such tales.
Right?
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Dude.
STOP USING PONY CREATOR!
nobody likes it.
Also, story was bad.
1657296 harsh. Sometimes people who can't draw need to rely on that. Also, I don't think the story was 'bad'. I do believe, however, that he could do better. I looked at his account, and this is actually his first story. I think it's pretty well written for his first.
1657345
okay.
Well, if it's your first story, excused.
If you can't draw, just look something up on Google Images. That's what I do for every single one of my stories.
And sorry if I did seem a little harsh.
Forgiven?
I was planning on getting a commission, but it's taking some time...so I figured I would post it and get a cover picture when it was finished...sorry, I thought I went over all the rules and made sure it was good before it was posted.
And yes, you're forgiven, I'm sorry.
As far as first go, this wasn't half bad.
Well done.
1657376
It's not about the rules... It's that using a pony creator image /looks/ lazy, and is associated with the many many badly written fics on the site.
If you had actually broken one of the site's official rules, there would have been a MASSIVE s***storm.
Anyway, good luck with your story.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb8qf6jTxX1rghk61o1_500.gif
This could actually turn into something interesting with a bit of work, currently the first chapters and many others feel like I am reading the bare bones of a story though, the humor is not bad but could be worked on to improve it.
The issue of HPL.... why is he called by his normal human name? This is Equestria so it seems rather unlikely not to have a ponified version of it, a small issue but could be resolved easily (peculiar parents etc), also feels like its moving to quickly, but that could just be me.
Anyway, I see promise, but it needs worked on to create something exceptional, keep trucking fella!
Remember, The Stars are Right!
Hrm this story looks like it could become rather interesting.
Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Interesting . . . good grammar, good spelling, reasonable OCs, good pacing . . . at a glance, I suspect the downvotes are due to the now-absent Pony Creator pic. It's not particularly fair, but PC images are usually associated with hack writing around here, so having no cover art is better than that.
I only have a couple of suggestions, as this is actually quite good.
Write our numbers. "Three" instead of "3," for example.
The letter "A" shouldn't be capitalized. This looks like a simple typo.
Consider revising this sentence. As its constructed now, we see the lobby, the pony, and then the flash of light. The flash of light should precede the teleporting pony. Maybe something like
The mirror scene is a little clumsy, but not terrible. It's usually best to work your PoV character's description in naturally, rather than dump it all at once, even if this means we don't know what he looks like at first.
I'm not sure about the character of HP. He's pretty clearly intended as a pony version of the actual Lovecraft, but I feel he should have a pony name, like Hoofcraft or Haycraft or something. Also, he seems awfully . . . excitable. I also find it questionable that the Equestrian version of Lovecraft would write the exact same stories as human!Lovecraft, with the same titles and text and everything. I won't gripe too loudly about this, as it's clearly a major point to the story, but as a brony and a Lovecraft fan it seems a little lazy.
But overall, this is interesting and well-written. Glad to see it! Keep writing, and have a watch.
Also, good on you for not using "it's my first story!" as a shield against criticism. I wish more first stories were like this one.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak
1657345 While your right on it being ok. No fan fic EVER should use pony creator. It is assosiated with shit, doesn't matter if he cant draw, DONT USE A PIC IF YOU CANT BLOODY GOOGLE IT!
Twas all right, nothing massively wrong with it except the now removed pony creator pic.
1657564 Why does it look like to me that he has his dick out?!
1658317
Knight of Gak.
Is that a thing now?
If so, sign me up!
1659776
It is now.
Join me in our slimy, multicolored crusade!
1659835
Very well.
I am creating the Knights of Gak group now.
1659835
Must... not... make... tentacle porn... joke...
Thanks everyone for the critiques, suggestions, threats of violence!
I haven't had internet all weekend so I couldn't respond, but I can now and wanted to say thanks.
Anywho, I've taken the suggestions into consideration and I'm trying to come up with HP's new name.
And yes, he's kinda hyper.
Any suggestions I can
stealuse will be appreciated!Thanks again!
Whoa, damn, this is good! Still haven't read all of it, but it is great. Many parts of it made me smile at how relatable to me they were, and how comical they were. Whether the friendship between Emerald and HP was intended to be comical or not, I'm not sure, but some part of me related to that relationship, and just made me smile.