The Tyranny Of King Discord

Jar of Dirt #1 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · · Chapter one ·

Alright, review time. Keep in mind that I am not picking on your writing but merely offering suggestions on how to get better.

Let's start with grammar, capitalization and punctuation. It's... Okay. I understand it's your first fic, but there's a few misses here and there. Let's start with the description:

>Equestria, land of peace, land of harmony, land of freedom, now Discord and his cult rule it with an iron fist. Desperate to end Discord's rule, Twilight summons an unlikely human hero to Equestria and task him to put an end to Discords rule.

The punctuation could use a brush up and there's some redundancy with "Discord's rule". Try this instead:

"Equestria used to be a land of peace, harmony, and freedom: now Discord and his cult steer it with an iron fist. Desperate to end his rule, Twilight summons an unlikely human hero to Equestria and tasks him to put an end to Discord's tyranny."

There, the description is a bit more cleaned up. Now for the rest of the story:

>Once he was sealed away in stone by the power of the elements of harmony. Peace and harmony was restored to Equestria, after several months of being sealed away in stone, nopony expected him to break free.
Sounds a bit redundant.

>elements of harmony
Elements of Harmony: should be capitalized.

>We have searched high and low, and no luck, we can't give up hope. We never will give up hope.
Who's "we" at the beginning of the story? You could clarify that.

>Discord and the cult of Discord rule everything,Discord constantly messes with ponyville
Space between "everything," and "Discord", Ponyville should be capitalized.

>''Hey Twilight? Have you figured out any possible way we can stop Discord yet?'' A timid yellow pegasus
Don't capitalize letters after conversation.

>The purple unicorn know as Twilight Sparkle yelled with much frustration, her mane was a mess and her eyes were droopy, a troubled look on her face.
Awkward phrasing, should be "The purple unicorn known as Twilight Sparkle yelled with much frustration, a troubled look on her face. Her mane was a mess and her eyes were droopy.

>Twilight responded levitating a big pile of books over to the desk she was sitting at
You should put a comma between "responded" and "levitating", and a period after sitting at.

>Applejack asked flipping through a pile of books
>Twilight said
>Pinkie exclaimed
>Rainbow said
Same here. You need a period after these sentences.

>and turned and went back up the stairs, stopping, he took a long look at the training room
Somewhat awkward sentences. It should be: "[...]and went back up the stairs. Stopping, he took a long look at the training room"

>After man years of fighting
*many

>The templar members dead. And that monster Charles Lee,
Should be: "The templars were dead, along with that monster Charles Lee"

>his head fall back into the chair, he still had fighting to do
You should place a period and capitalize "He" instead of putting a comma so that it sounds less awkward.

>Freedom wasn't free yet, and their were still people in need of help.
Sounds awkward. Try instead: "Freedom had yet to prevail, and there were still people in need."

>ever since he joined the assassin order. A cause he would fight for
Try putting double periods in between instead: "[...]since he joined the Assassin order: a cause he would fight for[...]" (the Assassin order is capitalized in Assassin's Creed)

>Connor stood up to go upstairs, all of a sudden, he was surrounded in a bright purple aura.
Add the word "when" between "upstairs" and "of", and remove the second comma.

>He levitated about two feet in the air, the fluttering of his assassin robe could be heard.
Rewrite it as "He levitated about two feet in the air, his assassin robe fluttering wildly".

>seemed...unrealistic...and an unusual peace he has not known in years...he looked around
Space between the periods.

There's a few more flaws, but I won't list them as it would take forever to point them out: don't take it too hard, though. I'm just being a nitpick. The flaws are nothing a good prereader could fix.

Now, onto the story itself: Your premise seems very promising, but there's a few concerns I would like to point out. First, you mention a "cult of Discord" freeing the spirit of chaos, but their role seems to be a bit... Vague. Simply put, we don't know much about them or how they freed Discord in the first place. Unless you plan on revealing it in the future, try to clarify exactly who they are. On the other hand, it's good to see you went with canon Discord: many authors have him come to power and then simply cruelly killing ponies left and right. Bonus points for avoiding that.

Secondly, it didn't dawn upon me that this was an Assassin's Creed 3 crossover until I finished reading through Connor's paragraph. You might want to clarify that in the story description so that people who haven't played it yet don't read through the spoilers accidentally. It's a bit jarring when suddenly realizing halfway through your lecture that the ending of a game you've been playing is right before your eyes.

Overall, it's good. Everypony seems fairly in character from what little we've seen them (I haven't played Assassin's Creed, so I can't judge Connor's personality), and apart from the flaws mentioned above, your writing seems decent and you haven't brutally butchered the english language unlike some other authors on this site. My suggestion would be to find a beta reader: there are several groups dedicated to this, and you should find help in no time. Good luck, and best wishes.

-I have a jar of dirt

P.S: Extra points for not attempting a self-insert mary-sue fic as a first try at writing.

Gherkin

Gherkin #2 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · · Chapter one ·

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To be honest, it was okay. There were quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes, as pointed out by the wonderful user above me, but it has promise. I can't really say if you got Connor's personality right, though, since he hasn't really said much yet. Oh, and yes, you probably should say that it is an AC3 crossover in the description, because there are some serious spoilers here.

Now for canon nitpicking: if I remember correctly, Charles Lee had nothing to do with the burning of Connor's village, since Haytham reveals that it was actually George Washington.

Anyway, the story has some promise, so it's an upvote from me. Good luck!

~Gherkin8088, the self-proclaimed Crossover Guy

Mr.Bill

Mr.Bill #3 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · · Chapter one ·

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1633692 Well it was Charles Lee, but George Washington gave him orders to do it.

Gherkin

Gherkin #4 · Nov 18th, 2012 · · · Chapter one ·

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1634033 No, it wasn't. Washington's forces were ordered to do it; Lee and the Templars happened to be there at the same time.

Sevengoldencoins

Sevengoldencoins #5 · Nov 18th, 2012 · · · Chapter one ·

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1632689 I appreciate it. I'll make the changes. Heh, your one of the few TWE members who don't call these fics terrible or saying I need to scrap the entire thing. I've actually been dreading the thought of what one of you TWE members might say. But thanks, currently looking for an editor, hell, I don't even know where to begin.

PlaguePaladin