Meet Archer, he lives in the lawless city of ''Paradise'' which is more of a living hell, the only thing that got him through life was his hate and anger. one fateful day he passes on and is revived in the magical land of magic and friendship. Will Archer be able to put aside his hate and anger and begin a new life of peace and happiness? Or will this new life also turn out to be a living hell just as his old life was?
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And in case your wondering what the picture is, its snow, not stars.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_md3t4hiMLg1rd0upvo1_400.gif
*Me and every story notification I git*
Promising idea.
I saw only two problems:
1) You misspelled "You're" as "Your" twice.
"You're" in the afterlife and 'how do I know' "you're" God, dear Author.
2) You should separate the author's comments, preferably with the
feature.
(Simply write [ hr ] without the spaces.)
Otherwise, pretty great.
Wow, imagine being a pony and have a human point a gun at you while the human dazed and confused
Never read a fic where the human was a cannibal
1579453 To be honest I don't get what the big deal about cannibalism is, sure its something you never really here of, but why not? I don't get it.
1579414 thanks, I'll probably work on this more than ''Thine own self'' you know, do a few chapters on this one, a few chapters on the other one
1579494
Very well.
You are welcome.
Dang. This is pretty terrible. Ahem:
-The protagonist is an asshole. Assholes are not compelling characters; we hate assholes. If you make one the protagonist, we won't want to read about what happens to him because he's an asshole. Get it?
-Way too much vulgarity and none of it's done right. The characters sound like ten year-olds on the playground at school. Not even in bad action flicks do characters curse this much.
-Don't cop out and put asterisks around five word sentences and expect us to accept those as the action scenes. Describe what's happening and in what settings so we know what these faceless goons are doing.
-Your protagonist bitches waaay too much. Half the story is him whining and complaining about shit. That's not a protagonist, friend. We're supposed to root for the protagonist. If all he does is act like a little baby, we're going to lose interest and turn away. That, coupled with the fact that he's a douchebag, makes it hard for me to believe you ever thought he would be a good main character.
-Unoriginal way to get your human into Equestria. I could tell what was going to happen from the moment that Chris guy showed up. For that matter, there was no point to the first half of the chapter. You could have revealed everything important with small flashbacks as Archer settled into Equestria. You just tried to hook people's attention by setting the introduction in some dark city with over excessive violence and swearing.
-Numerous grammar errors. Find some schmoe to edit your work beforehand; there are truckloads of people who will help ANYONE on this site.
-This is more of a pet peeve directed at 95% of writers, but try and give the Mane Six more personality when you introduce them. If you watch the show, you'll realize that just because all six of the girls are present somewhere, doesn't mean they always have to have a say. Imagine if, when the Mane Six confronted Discord, everypony said some stupid, stereotypical response. Would be fucking annoying, wouldn't it? Characters SHOULD NOT talk UNLESS they are saying something important to the plot or that characterizes them. Since we know who the Mane Six are, there is NO POINT in characterizing them. But that wasn't your reason for having them talk anyway. It was to provide filler, since you can't find an interesting way to write a two thousand word chapter.
TL;DR - There's nothing to see here, guys. Just another unoriginal HiE story.
EDIT: Why does this have so many thumbs up? Has the fandom finally went the way of Hollywood and just accepted unoriginal, uninteresting ideas sugared with gratuitous violence as art?
This ''Archer'' cannibal fellow sounds interesting, faved, I wouldn't be pointing my gun at harmless ponies... And a silenced gun? No such thing...
1579750 I designed the protagonist to be like that, on my other story people were complaining how hes a ''Marty sue'' and theres nothing wrong with him, so I made ''Archer'' to be as far from a ''Marty sue'' character as I could. As for the dialogue, that's my biggest problem with writing. Ugh, whatever, everyone's a critic. The entire point of the story is for him to change.
1579766 Thanks, weird that they have internet in Armadillo.
Sorry, I couldn't resist, after reading the description.
1579491 Well, since cannibalism involve the consumption of human flesh, whether alive or dead, it's pretty damn disgusting, not to mention socially unacceptable.
1580964 You know what I find disgusting? Eating chicken eggs, its just chicken abortions, the thought of it alone makes me sick... eating chicken abortions...
1580989 or any kind of eggs in general.
1579798 That's good that you understand what a story is supposed to be: a series of events that change the protagonist. But the issue right off the bat is that your protagonist is a complete jerk. It would be like making that guy from "Jersey Shore" your hero; nobody would root for him. He's got to at least have a hidden good side or an understandable reason for why he acts the way he does. Coinciding with the vulgarity of the story, you could make him a rape victim or a victim of abuse (to name two cliche ideas). Just anything that would get people's sympathy radars going, y'know? Making him the standard "poor guy with a bad past" isn't enough to get him to be an interesting protagonist. We've seen those guys HUNDREDS of times before in other stories, in movies, on television, in music videos, comics, etc. etc. etc. ETC.
If the city is such a bad place, then no doubt everyone else is probably the same as Archer; they're mean and hardened by their bad experiences. Your protagonist has to be DIFFERENT and BETTER than them for some reason, like maybe he's determined to become good but he doesn't know how, or his true colors only come out when his friends are in danger. Perhaps that's your plan for later, but currently your character is not coming off as a good guy :P
That being said, I could overlook all that other stuff if your protagonist was more refined. The story idea ISN'T unbearable; it's unoriginal in it's introduction, but that can be fixed easily with a well presented second chapter. Just try and tone down Archer, alright? That's my suggestion du jour ^.^
1584702 I thought about that, I like to think of him like Rorschach and a young Ezio from assassin's creed 2. Just an arrogant, hopeless young sociopath who hates everything and has no ambition for the future.
Good luck.
Hey, what's your XBL name? We should play together; I'm really liking Halo 4 as well :D
Assassin's creed 3, now with moving haystacks.
1602033 It actually expired yesterday and I'm too lazy to run to the store and grab another membership card, the damn prices on those things... Besides, single player is just as good.
Err, maybe post these in a blog? I'm pretty sure it's against the rules to bump your story with things that should be blog posts :/