Go the Buck to Sleep

by The Grey Pegasus

Narrated by Twilight Sparkle

Go the Buck to Sleep
By: The Grey Pegasus

The three Cutie Mark Crusaders rampaged around Twilight's library. "Why did I ever agree to this?" Twilight lamented. She never thought it would ever happen, for the three to actually end up being in her care for the night. Partially because the Crusaders strangely wanted some books to look stuff up. Obviously, it would not end with any of the three getting their cutie marks, but Twilight thought that, at the least, they would read about something of worth. And they did read.

For about the first hour.

Now they were all over the place, somehow barely managing to not competely ransack her home in the process. They had just broke a table, and the three fillies tried their hooves at repairing one once more. It didn't end up much different than Fluttershy's. The purple unicorn groaned in frustration. "Ugh! How did Fluttershy deal with those three!" Fortunately for her table, its owner was a unicorn, and was able to properly restore it to its original state with some restoration magic. But even with the power to undo any damage the Crusaders might and most likely will do, Twilight was not willing to succumb to that fate.

In fact, she had just about enough. The time was late enough anyways. "Girls!" Instead of waiting for them, however, she just grabbed all three of the fillies with her magic and put them right down in front of her. 'Seriously, how did Fluttershy handle this before the incident in the Everfree?'

"Yes Twilight?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"It's pretty late now, and we should all head over to bed now," Twilight announced.

"But we ain't finished crusadin' yet!" Apple Bloom complained.

"And you said you were going to read books," the librarian said. "Since you're finished reading, you might as well head over to bed."

The three fillies groaned in disappointment, but still walked up the stairs followed by Twilight. They all settled in their beds, and the Crusaders, naturally, waited for Twilight to fall asleep.

However, this was not the case. The unicorn kept close watch on them, knowing that if she fell asleep first, who knew what trouble those three would find themselves in. After some time waiting between the them, Twilight needed a new plan.

"Girls, I know you're not asleep yet," she flatly stated.

The three opened their eyes. "Darn it," Scootaloo said.

Twilight sighed. "Fluttershy told me she tried to sing you to sleep. Of course, that didn't work out because of Sweetie Belle. So I'm gonna try something different." The unicorn telekinetically grabbed a book from a shelf from behind her. "Here's a bedtime story!" she said, with hints of frustration.

"What's it called?" Sweetie Belle asked.

Twilight didn't answer, instead just opening the book, and starting to read.

The cats nestle close to their kittens now,

The lambs have laid down with the sheep.

You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dears,

Please go the buck to sleep.

The windows are dark in Ponyville, fillies,

The whales huddle down in the deep.

I'll read you one last book if you swear,

You'll go the buck to sleep.

The pegasi that soar through the sky are at rest

And the creatures that crawl, run, and creep–

Apple Bloom spoke up. "Hey Twilight, can I have some wat–"

I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying.

Lie the buck down, my darlings, and sleep.

The wind whispers soft through the grass, hons.

Fluttershy, she makes not a peep–

"Ugghh... I don't want to sleep. I wanna get our cutie marks!" Scootaloo complained.

And it's been thirty-eight minutes already.

Dear Celestia, what the buck? Go to sleep.

All the foals from day care are in dreamland.

Pinkie Pie has made her last leap–

"Twilight," Sweetie Belle said, "Can I go to the little fillies room?"

Hay no, you can't go to the bathroom.

You know where you can go? The buck to sleep.

My owl flies forth from the bookshelf.

Through the night he'll soar and sweep–

"Twilight–"

A hot crimson rage fills my heart, loves.

For real, shut the buck up and sleep.

The unicorn paused for a moment to glare at the three.

The Ursa Minors and Majors are snoring,

Wrapped in a big snuggly heap...

The Crusaders took glances at each other, forming a plan. They wanted to go out and crusade. After all, they weren't getting sleeping cutie marks. "Go!" Apple Bloom yelled. The other two took the signal and they all barreled past the surprised unicorn. They did it! They could escape! A whole night of trying to find their talents was ahead of them. Maybe even use some of those things they read in those books.

"Come on girls! The stairs is right the–" Apple Bloom was interrupted by the telekinetic grasp of their unicorn hostess. They were turned to face Twilight, who did not looked pleased. They were then unceremoniously put back in bed under the sheets. Then Twilight continued, with a little more emphasized annoyed undertone.

How come you can do all this other great shit

But you can't lie the buck down and sleep?

The unicorn took a deep breath to recollect herself.

The seeds slumber beneath the earth now

And the crops that Applejack will reap.

"Twi–"

No more questions. This interview's over.

I've got two words for you, fillies: bucking sleep.

Twilight gave them a highly frustrated glare, and the three fillies shrank down.

The manticore reclines in the simmering Everfree.

The sparrow has silenced her cheep.

"You think there's a cutie mark for duct tape?" Apple Bloom asked the other two.

Scootaloo opened her mouth to answer–

Buck your cutie marks, I'm not letting you do shit.

Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.

The flowers doze low in the meadows.

And high on the mountains so steep.

"Come on, I don't want to sleep yet," Scootaloo grumbled again.

Twilight was near the verge of breaking down.

This night is a failure, I'm a terrible foalsitter.

Stop bucking with me, please, and sleep.

Twilight gave yet another weary sigh and continued.

The giant dragons in the mountains are snoozing–

"Can I at least have some milk Twilight?" Sweetie bothered to ask. Twilight sighed once more and hung her weary head.

As I lie here and openly weep.

Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk.

Who the buck cares? You're not gonna sleep.

Frustrated enough, Twilight headed down to to grab a glass, in the hopes that it would finally shut them up and end her suffering. Of course, as she went up the stairs, she passed the Crusaders going down.

This loft is all I can think of.

The furniture crappy and cheap.

You win. You escaped. You ran down the stairs.

As I nod the buck off, and sleep.

Sweetie Belle looked back up at the loft to find the librarian asleep. "You know, she sounded kinda angry... Maybe we should just go to sleep. There's always tomorrow. Besides, we don't want to fall asleep on the job, right?"

"Gosh, yer right!" Apple Bloom exclaimed. "Falling asleep in the middle of crusadin'! Yeah, it might be a good idea to get a little shut eye." With that, they went back to grab some sleep.

Bleary and dazed, I awaken

To find your eyes shut, so I keep

My hopes high as I tiphoof away

And pray that you're bucking asleep.

Twilight raised her eyebrows. "Wait, why did I say that out loud?" With a shrug, Twiligh disregarded it. The ordeal finally over, Twilight thought it would be better to find a book to help relax a little. It was certainly a strain, getting the Crusaders to sleep. "At least it wasn't as bad as Fluttershy's night," Twilight noted as she descended the stairs. She found a nice book to read and sat down on the couch.

Spike passed by, still awake to help clean and organize the books that were knocked down by the three fillies. He saw Twilight, and had to stifle a laugh. "Hey Twilight. What was that book?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "I had to get something to make them fall asleep.

"I'm just surprised it worked," Spike said. "I'm also trying to decide whether that was hilarious or just cruel."

"Well I'm finally reading my book. Tea's in the kettle." *Fweep*

Twilight heard the balcony open, and what sounded like Scootaloo struggling to hover to slow down their descent. "Oh shit, Celestia dammit! You've got to be kidding!" the unicorn exclaimed.

Twilight ran out the door to meet them, and immediately grabbed them in her magic. They floated in front of her as she walked back into the library. Clearly her patience was thin.

"Come on, go the buck back to sleep."

Comments

[The Grey Pegasus]

I'll admit I somewhat rushed this one. Let's just keep it at 'this had to get out of my head', okay? Yeah, I know the story is nearly word-for-word, but what the heck. I'm not feeling it.

To make up for my incompetence, here's the amazing original audiobook version.

[Georg]

In the morning, Rarity came over to find Twilight busy in the garden with a shovel...

[PrometheusDark]

This is just... Is there a single word to describe glorious and hilarious? This is hilorious. There, I made a new word, just for you.

[Bloodpool]

1588247 My thoughts exactly.

[Kiro0613]

...There's actually something called "Go the Fuck to Sleep?" .....

[Triple Word Score]

Before reading:

Yes. Based on that book.

Have a like for the premise alone.

After reading:
Poor, poor Twilight dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Sweetie_Belle.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Scootaloo.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Applebloom.png

[The Grey Pegasus]

1588367
I still can't read it in Twilight's voice. It's still Samuel L. Jackson.

[Toraka]

*unrelated*

*le me, staying up to maybe finish latest side project (it's a quarter past midnight here)*
*Notification pops up*
*Go the Buck to Sleep added to the Writer's Group*
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/232/114/e39.png

[The Grey Pegasus]

1589545
... Not my problem.

[Toraka]

1589557 I know, I know, just something I thought I'd mention. To make up for your time, I'll actually read your fic sometime soon, I promise!

[SuperPinkBrony12]

1588247 Because she decided to bury that book because the crusaders wouldn't stop saying buck!

[The Grey Pegasus]

1589968
It says 'narrated by Twilight Sparkle'...

[SuperPinkBrony12]

1590002 Yeah well she forgot to watch her language, the crusaders heard her say buck so many times and it became imprinted in their minds.

[McPoopin]

1588273
Oh yes, I've seen it read my one of the women who used to host Playschool, and by Samuel L Mother Fucking Jackson.

[Noyoki1]

I don't think anything else need be said

[Flying Wingnut]

I knew I pre-faved for a reason!

[Silvertie]

Solid props for doing a decent job of ponifying Go The F**k To Sleep, but a good solid whack because you didn't really make it your own, if you get what I mean.

It evens out at a 3/5, I suppose.

[The Grey Pegasus]

1591988
Yeah, I know. I admitted it in my author's note.

If we only had the star rating system today, huh?

[ARTL]

...Wut.

[Nikkori]

Is it weird I have done this in real life?

[gamer4COD]

6110323 Nope, I'm a uncle who babysits from time to time, and I support this book.