Shining Armour makes the terrible mistake of not looking where he’s going. After dying in possibly the most embarrassing fashion possible he awakens in Hell.
Can Shining Armour survive demonic unicorns, backbreaking labour, and the devil himself?
Will Shining Armour actually learn a lesson?
There’s only one way to find out! By reading this story!
This story was made for the Shining Armour is a Terrible Dad Competition
The amazing cover was done by: anonymous_commenter
This story was also helpfully edited by: The Fan Without a Face
Chapters (1)
Hail Satanic Flurry Heart! And congrats to Shining for not just being a terrible dad, but apparently a terrible husband and damned soul as well.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/198512/the-shameless-self-promotion-bureau/thread/536939/read-my-story-where-shining-armour-dies-and-goes-to-hell
I liked the story, concept, events in the story, and the unique idea about Shining Armor going to hell. (
My "Too Many Shining Armors" submission/sequel was based on a large quantity of him being terrible within the rules of the contest, for some form of terrible.Though I guess this is more of a "The Good Place" like situation where it's easy to get sent to hell if Cadance was sent there for double dipping.)https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide has useful advice in general.
https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Show-versus-tell has examples of ways how to show how a character is feeling (body language, actions, thoughts, etc) instead of stating it, though that's personal preference and both have their uses.
https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Dialogue has examples of dialogue. Your story has proper dialogue, and it's obvious from context who's saying what. In English (though repetition is standard in a few languages, on an unrelated note), excessive repetition of "said" or excessive forms of some repetition is discouraged by some style guides. It's mixed somewhat with asked/shouted/declared/etc in your story already, though parts of it had "said" a few times in a row. There are synonyms such as stated/questioned/implored/interrogated/yelled/etc that can be used when appropriate, but don't force it. Again, that's subjective. https://maxonwriting.com/2016/01/11/being-a-better-writer-said-and-other-repetitive-words/ (first google result for a search about "said")
https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Lavender-Unicorn-Syndrome also mentions ways to avoid repetition of names. If a single paragraph follows a single character, then repeating the names (in a paragraph) can be avoided when it's unambiguous.
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/ underuse was distracting in a few places, though it can be subjective - Some writers use grammar checkers such as google docs or https://languagetool.org/ (or another word processor, if set up for it) to suggest places where this can be added or other grammar issues can be fixed. (I generally ignore suggestions for dialogue when the dialogue is written the character would say it, obviously)
That catches some issues, but not all, but the remaining missing commas may be subjective.
- "Meanwhile back in Hell" -> "Meanwhile, back in hell"
- "but there’s a mortal soul on the run and we" -> "but there’s a mortal soul on the run, and we"
- " make her part demon so" -> " make her part demon, so"
- afterall -> after all
- first born -> firstborn
- realizing and realising are both used, pick one
- chock full -> chock-full
- Thankfully, the judges and most readers don't care about the Armor/Armour show spelling (I asked in the "Shining Armor is a Terrible Dad" forum).