In China a young woman named Mulan found a little girl left in the fields and decided to take her in. But with those nasty Huns out there will she protect her? Or will those fiends destroy China?
This was requested by Roxas2017
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 20th Aug, 2023
- offline last seen 10 hours ago
Big Imagination E
For those who wants to get to know me i may be 21 years old and feel like a teenage boy who may feel small but i got a BIG imagination inside me
Big Imagination E
Joined 20th Aug, 2023 ·
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Honest critique.
It was a bit short. The story could use so more flushing out. The reader doesn’t really have time to get to know or care about the characters. As well as some repetitive dialogue.
Also something’s didn’t sense. Like Mushu not knowing about Apple bloom. If she preyed to her ancestors at the shrine, mulan’s would have been watching over the whole family like befor. So they would have known her and told mushu.
Over all it’s just needs to be 3-4 times more content to really get to connect to the characters.
For instance. Instead of Mulan just seeing her and an exposition dump and adopting her in two minutes. Have mulan and her father walking along in the village and seeing a dirty abandoned girl with a blank stare. Mulan thinks they need to help. Her father is apprehensive at first, but a pleading face of Mulan makes him relent. He tells her that the girl will be her responsibility. Adoption occurs.
Time pass apple bloom is cleaned and opens up. Over time come to love new family. So on and so forth.
Over all it’s ok but could be better nun the less it was a cute story.
I hope you keep writing and improving your story telling skills.
11786090
I will. And thanks.
11786091
No problem. I am disabled so I spend a lot of time reading. I like to help other florish when I can. I have seen somepeople say they critique and are just cruel and unhelpful with no real criticism. Just bitching and moaning. ( they would just say things like too short it suck get better). I have had friends on this site quit writing from that. And I find it saddening.
Any way. Sorry for rambling poetic…
Also thank you for the follow.
11786098
Same. Some people are like that and try to bring me down. But I don't let them get in my head. In fact you weren't the only one who lost a few friends. The same thing happened to me. But don't let that bring you down. Just continue going forward. And your welcome buddy.