Deep inside the old Apple’s barn, the walls had been sealed off and reinforced with lead shielding to keep the radiation inside just in case. Further, a workshop had been setup to work on the unexploded megaspell bomb in the center of the room. However, even though the workshop was clearly made for three minimum ponies to be working through with all the tools, specialized equipment and bins of parts available, only one mare was working in there. A small green horse, shorter than your average mare but bigger than most fillies, most.
It is here, that Blackjack and Littlepip will secure their bomb.
Tags: Fallout, Littlepip, Blackjack, Wandering Sunrise, Red Eye, Unity, FoE, Bomb, Plot So Thick You Can Bounce a Quarter Off Of It
Edited by: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/27861/Nyronus\
This story is part of the Interactive Storytelling Experience at Ponyville Ciderfest 2023. Check out the website at https://ponyvilleciderfest.com/
This is the Final and Big One As Promised
>Theres a bomb in this story
>Of course there is
>My wife everyone
very nice to see a story on that art of them!
Ahh, the inevitable spoilers! I'm willingly stepping into this mine field. I trust you wouldn't put any major spoilers in here.
Was that rewrite supposed to be rewire?
The moment Pinkie realized that this fic is finally being written. She has seen the cover art.
I thought 101 was the Canterlot stable, but no. Wiki says it was Red Eye's stable. Is this 101 on purpuse? The cover even has 2 for Pip. It's also a first time I see Stable Dweller spelled together. No criticism, but it feels so wrong.
It's a trap!
Uppercase 'P' should be lowercase 'p'.
Comma after 'sorry'.
Comma before 'but'. Med-X, uppercase 'X'. Comma before 'who'.
Mint-als
go-to
You have a problem too. Look, I’m not going to inquire about it. - that's how I would punctuate it.
Comma after 'hey'.
'Sexy', her shotgun or 'Sexy' - her shotgun, but I am not sure about these.
Comma after 'oh'.
I'd prefer 'double-barreled', 'old-fashioned' and 'pump-action'. Comma after 'Look'.
Comma after 'Yeah'. Med-X. Period after 'we got'. 'We've got' might be more grammatically correct, but this is a character speaking, so it doesn't count as a mistake. But it's still worth pointing out just in case. We can get out no issue, but you... you’re kinda stuck here. - that's how I'd punctuate it. Is that second 'slug' supposed to be 'chug'? Question mark at the end.
Sunrise shook her head, “Sorry, we just met and my husband might not approve of you,” she pointed at the stripes on her rear leg, “but what exactly do you need this bomb for?”
Second dialogue should be in a separate paragraph.
The period after 'right' should be a comma. Littlepip. Matter-of-factly.
Rougue apostrophe.
'Could' instead of 'Can'. The comma after 'Pink' might bizarrely be considered correct. A period would've been a much safer option, though I applaud the- possibly -craziest punctuation I have ever seen.
“Probably not. Even the Alicorns can’t see in here with their magic, much less hear you three.” - the way I'd punctuate it.
Comma after plan. Littlepip.
“I mean, unless you got an army to deal with the Enclave, I don’t really think you can help me beyond making sure the bomb will work,” Littlepip replied with a sigh, realizing her plan was coming together, but it was still heavily flawed. - punctuation
Ok, just CTRL+F all the LittlePips out. I don't need to point out evert single one.
I could point out a few in here, but I'll just chug it up to "artistic choice".
Comma after 'Las Pegasus'. Comma after 'banner'.
Even Blackjack, in her inebriated state, was able to keep up with just how this plan was shaping up. But something was really bugging her and she needed an answer. “Just how are we supposed to get you clear without anyone noticing?” - commas
"Artistic choice", but I'd get rid of the comma.
Comma after 'asking'.
Comma after 'mean'.
somepony's
Comma after 'alright'. Comma after 'small'.
That's 2 questions. That is a FNAF movie reference. LMAO
Period after 'here'.
Quotation marks open and don't close. Comma after 'death'. Period at the end.
Comma after 'know'. 'and' should be uppercase. What is that 'two' in there for? Was it supposed to be 'too'? Snapped at the two? Either way, there should be a comma before 'realizing'.
Comma after 'little'. Last 'and' should be followed by 'that'.
First comma should be a period.
Major spoilers god damn it.
So, was this supposed to be read before Dead Tree and you forgot to put a spoiler warning?
The chapters in Dead Tree are not as infested as this, but it still takes me out of the story to see the errors pop up. You can imagine what I have been going through in the first few chapter that you left unedited. Just know, the longer comments I write, the more it means I care.
I'm myself being inconsistant in how I point out the errors in here. Man, is it hard typing in this tiny window.
And don't get me started on this Blackjack. This is not Blackjack. You inviting people over to Project Horizons from here triggers me. Littlepip, I can stand her here, but Blackjack is slandered.
I'll delete the comment later to not clutter- or litter
-the comment section. If I forget, just PM me.
I was curious and checked, this is over 1700 words, quotes included.
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The editor may have changed 2 to 101 for some reason.
Rewrite not rewire remember we are dealing with a bomb that is created from magic, you write a spell, you wire a bomb.
always saw it spelled with an Upper case P for some reason
Sometimes the changes they made were nonsensical or in error; Temp editor from Ciderfest, I'm going to assume he is just inexperienced at this.
the commas you are suggesting would create many splices and further goes to show me that none of us know how to use commons properly.
I have never seen any FNAF related media, this was written in 2019.
Read what you copy and pasted again, those quotation marks do in fact close.
No, I am not changing temporary or removing it in this case.
Dead Tree's current chapters have been out for over a year. I am well past the point of dropping spoilers.
Considering in 2019 Somber looked this over and thumbs upped it, no this is Blackjack and LittlePip to the best of my ability. I am sorry you feel that way.
Many of your comma and period suggestions are in "Quotation" marks which means they are the exception to all the rules because that is how people talk. One does not put punctuation if a person talks differently than normal.
Somepony is a replacement for Somebody not Someone. If you watch the show and read the show bible you will see how the context is used and that they use both.
Considering I spelled med-x as all lower case because it is not a proper noun, as names of drugs that are not the brand name are not proper nouns. You capitalize Tylenol, you do not capitalize aspirin.
Deleting your comment means you put it in bad faith. You are putting too much critic here that is in error for my tastes, I have screen shotted it so if it does disappear I will simply add it to this comment as a shot.
This is well outside your wheelhouse to be editing and it shows. I am telling you this because I am being nice about it. I know that will make you upset but the fact is that more than half of your suggestions are in error and if this were an editor test, I would not hire you.
I like that you put your suggestions forth; that required guts. I like people with guts. Some of the things you caught make me wonder if I should go over the other 5 stories I wrote for Ciderfest with a fine tooth comb because it appears that the editor they insisted upon may not have done proper levels of editing. Thank you for illuminating that.
PS:
Every chapter of Dead Tree on This website is Under-Edited, not Un-Edited. The actual printed book, we re-wrote the entirety of chapters 1-12 and edited everything through 3 additional passes compared to what you are reading here.
That is why if you have a physical copy it reads much different and cleaner than anything here.
What you have here is the free copy that everyone is able to get that required the least amount of money for me to create. Not the completed work.
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That artwork was finished in 2019 by Ravvij of the Barcast and has been a closely guarded secret to the reason behind it's creation for over 4 years now.
Ah littlepip!
Let's see what they are up to!
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Rewrite fit logically, just thought some autocorrecting might have happened, that's why I just pointed it out, in stead of saying it's wrong.
Littlepip, LittlePip; Med-X, Med-x. Both variations appear. I wouldn't be pointing it out if it was only one of them. You're saying you want LittlePip. I say fine, then change all Littlepips to LittlePips. Consistency is key.
The commas I suggested might be wrong. I have no idea. Based on what I assumed, I though my version was correct. I am trying my best, but learning punctuation is hard. Damn the Dunning Kruger effect.
My bad. I didn't notice the 'a' before 'necessary'. It makes sense now. It looked like stacked adjectives before.
With that last paragraph it looks like you are inviting new people to the books.
Yea, I did it to myself with the spoilers, though they still could've been more vague. The 30th death might as well have been a dozenth. I don't feel like we need the exact details in here.
I can hypothesize on why Somber approved this. But those could be only speculations. I have no way of knowing what was on his mind at the time. He definitely wasn't in the hardcore mindset I am now. I said that it looks like you are inviting people to these books and I really dislike the idea of this being the first impression of Blackjack they'd get.
Somepony was a suggestion.
I myself don't like scrolling through long comments with tons of quotes, pointing out errors. Most writers explicitly ask to PM those, as to avoid these in comment sections. My reasoning is to not burden my fellow readers, though I posted it anyway. What a hypocrite I am. Seeing you post it back as screenshots would be funny. Almost makes me want to delete it just so you'd so it.
I take no offense in being called out on my mistakes. I am trying to share what I think is right and am grateful to be on the receiving end as well. Let it be the slap that takes me off that high pedestal. I didn't know I needed it, thanks.
My worst side comes out when something is really close to perfection and I feel like I know how to push it there. When something is average or bad, I can enjoy it for what it is.
You've mentioned guts. I want to be more than just another +1 on the view count. I want to help the fandom grow. The internet is full with people with good intentions spreading misinformation like that.
Yes, under-edited. I knew unedited was a false statement, but was too lazy to find something more appropriate.
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I've stumbled upon it so many times and never noticed that it was you, who commissioned it.
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Thank you for being a good sport, this is surprisingly refreshing how chill this was in return.
NO leave the long comment, I'll use it for myself for improvement later.
Remember this is the night that Blackjack was so drunk she road a bunch of alicorns back to Ten-Pony Tower while wearing a crown made of beer bottles, twine, and used bullet casings.
She would come off this crass by that point.
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Yeah it was commissioned in 2019 and the poster was put up at Bronycon 2019 sold like 40+ of them in 17x25 and the artist made a total of over 300$ plus their commission rate since it was originally made but no one knew why it was made until now.
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I saw it on derpi once, plus was used on adds here too, if i remember correctly
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A funny coincidence, I had a craving to read some Horizons on Sunday and it just happened that you posted this story mere minutes earlier.
Now that I reread both, that Project Horizons chapter and this, my opinion remains the same.
I also noticed that Somber used 'LittlePip' with capital P.
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Death of the Author.
Ok timelines…
I am assuming sunny after dead tree
Little pip, before he killed the goddess
Blackjack… ok wth ‘sexy’ was introduced before she went to the moon and that was 3 months after the failed operation cauterize……. I am confused fiaura…
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The Night Blackjack and LIttlePip went to Red Eye's Camp in Project Horizons to get the bomb.
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I can guess that, but ‘sexy’ was not introduced yet
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Guess you have a little paradox then, my bad.
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It’s ok.
Why am I not surprised…. Oh yea she dose that every goddess dammed she meets someone. damn it bj
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and she's drunk!
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When isn’t she
Blank blank blank shit I’m blanking………… god damn it brain work…. Oh yea I remember now…. Blackjack was unarmed and at this point in time, she was a cyber unicorn
And also because I thought this was funny
https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Flookaside.fbsbx.com%2Flookaside%2Fcrawler%2Fmedia%2F%3Fmedia_id%3D1345754505611239&tbnid=pifnp3b4c4NF-M&vet=12ahUKEwjC-L-8lcqCAxWaNN4AHQcEA8sQMyhSegUIARCOAg..i&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FStablePonies%2Fphotos%2Faaaaa-blackjackstory-fallout-equestria-project-horizonssauce-httpsderpibooruorgi%2F1345754505611239%2F&docid=ZF5M-0zIbVAIPM&w=2048&h=1536&q=blackjack%20fallout%20equestria&hl=en-us&client=safari&ved=2ahUKEwjC-L-8lcqCAxWaNN4AHQcEA8sQMyhSegUIARCOAg