(Hi, maybe uhm... ignore this story? Definitely my weakest work and is being kept here for archiving reasons).
From me to you, a happy spooky month ya'll!
Fluttershy has been having a bit of paranoia lately and it seems to be increasing. Her friends chalked it off to just Fluttershy being, well, Fluttershy. However, the object of Fluttershys' fears may be all too real...
WARNING: Gore (pretty tame gore, but added a gore tag just in case) and, hear me out,
NON-LINEAR NARRATIVE!
Cover image — again — by yours truly using–... well, you may know already.
Chapters (1)
I'm so sorry in advance that I have made you read this brainfuck. So, so sorry.
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Horseshit.
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'Kay. Wait... did you like this or not? Because for now I'm assuming you're the one who left the dislike. Either you're saying the story is horseshit or you're telling me a horse pun for the word "brainfuck."
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It's a pun. Not sure about the story yet.
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Alright, tell me when you find out because I've got nothing better to do right now besides preparing for the mid-week slump
Perhaps just a little bit too non-linear? I know you said in your comment that it was originally even more so, but this was still a touch hard to follow. Maybe just a little bit more of an 'establishing shot' for each segment would help? I dunno. Good luck!
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Yeah, I love doing that, it's just that I wanted to make it non linear because it would be super boring if it was linear; it would just be omg monster, monster do dat, oh I found monster, who'll read that? You need something to try and figure out.
But then I went overboard
The thing about me is that I understand it, so I just assume it's fine, but that's obviously a problem because the writer will always understand their own stories.
Since you asked for feedback, I will offer the following. Please bear in mind this is only my opinion, and that I offer you my Maximum Verbosity only on the condition and understanding that you will freely discard any and all feedback that does not suit you. These are my opinions, nothing more.
So. Here we go:
1) Since you're telling this in a non-linear fashion, it's easy for the reader to feel lost, so you as a writer have to be even more meticulous about making everything else clear. It's easy to lose track of who's saying which dialogue in a variety of the scenes, for example, so I would suggest more indicators in the various lines regarding who is speaking. You also might want to triple-check use of italics and spelling.
For example: italics are usually used to indicate either inner monologue, brief emphasis of a word or phrase, or a raised voice. Your freer use of them did pull me out of the story a few times as I was wondering what you were trying to convey.
Again, since you're not using linear cause-and-effect to keep folks oriented, literally every other tool in your toolbox is going to be doing much more heavy lifting. So they've got to all be many times sharper than normal.
2) The characters don't seem to care about each other very much compared to the series, which creates a feeling of mischaracterization. And, again, the feeling of being disjointed from the story this causes will be emphasized by the nonlinear nature of the story. I would suggest making the characters much more likely to take their friend's concerns - and her well-being in general - much more seriously.
3) Celestia would likely be a bit more concerned as well. Initially, she just sent ponies to investigate... but then, later, we find out she hunted down the beast herself. Probably it would help both consistency and her own character's empathy if she responded immediately with stating she was investigating herself, specially since ponies were being murdered.
4) If ponies were being murdered, only the passing of centuries would cause ponies to eventually consider it a myth. As characters mentioned, the same happened with the Mare in the Moon. So it does seem out of character, even without the evidence they found in Fluttershy's place, for Twilight to be so dismissive of checking out ancient myths, both regarding the book and in her discussion with Celestia. And again, for Twilight to be so casually dismissive helps give the impression that she is not as concerned about Fluttershy as she should be, even without the loss of a hoof.
5) One of your other commenters suggested using establishing shots for each scene, and I suggest this as well. Not to establish when, necessarily, but to at least establish the visuals. Again, since you aren't using linear time, more scene setup might help readers not feel cast out from the story they're reading.
6) You might want to have more of it. Which I realize may sound the height of goofiness, but please bear with me.
Fluttershy gets wounded, her hoof is mentioned, and then she just vanishes. What if you open with her in the hospital, surrounded by her friends (who mention Twilight and whoever else is trying to figure out what did this), and then go to the rest as you have them ordered? That would allow her to be more than just a plot device while also hooking our reader in immediately. Just a thought.
I would also suggest adding in a scene where the villain is, in fact, revealed. Otherwise the reader is just left there.
7) Did you mean to imply there was a connection between Nightmare Moon and the current villain? Did the Huntsmare possess Luna while Nightmare Moon was still Nightmare Moon, or right after she was saved? Why did it wait so long before acting?
On that note, you might want to consider another host for the fell beast. While Luna being the murderous monster is a tragedy and horror for the character, some canons include Nightmare Moon as being a possessing entity in the first place. And Luna has been a villain before. So I will admit that one of my reactions at the end was, "Oh no, not again."
Might I suggest having a different host for the villain? Perhaps the reason that Rarity is distracted is that she hasn't seen Sweetie Belle all day and is looking for her, but Sweetie Belle shows up later, seemingly fine, but no memory of the day's events? What if the beast hops from body to body, until finally successfully trapped?
What if the only way to trap it was - with or without Celestia's nod - for Luna and the remaining 5 to trap Celestia in stone or in the sun for a thousand years? How might Luna deal with the painful irony of that?
Or, come to that, what if instead of showing it floating towards the moon... what if the last scene was of Celestia and Twilight alone, working on the spell to find and trap the thing once and for all... and then Twilight turns to her with an evil grin and says something like "Yes, it took some time to get you alone... but you won't surprise me again." And then darkness.
(And as I think of it, if you don't want to use any of these alternatives I might someday!)
Anyway. Regardless of whether you use Luna or somepony else, you might want to have something to follow the reveal. Otherwise, the reader can feel like there was a bit set-up and then the story just stopped without a pay off. It doesn't have to be fully resolved, of course, but give a hint as to whether the heroes are going to win or lose, and what it might cost.
8) As I indicated, your story has a lot of very solid elements to it. It's inspired me with some possible stories here and there, point of fact, because it contains some really good ideas. So, please don't be discouraged. Either by various naysayers, or (especially) by me. I give you this level of feedback and suggestions only in the faith that you will discard and ignore any and all commentary that I offer that you, as a writer, don't care for.
Sometime again!
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Yep, I didn't further explain it because I thought it might be better to leave it vague. It was a last minute add.
Twilight being dismissive of myths was because I definitely wouldn't spend time reading some random fairy tales when my friends hand was fucking eaten (my use of the word fuck is not because I'm mad, I just do that :P)
I didn't show Fluttershy in the hospital because I have no idea how medical stuff works and I know how much it turns off people who have studied that field
An establishing shot was something I was definitely considering, but I decided that "an establishing shot" might feel like an "exposition dump in disguise"
This story was originally going to much longer but I had a trip to go on so I decided to finish things up
The italics thing was just 'cause I was going for the House of Leaves-ish feel
About the lack of concern... I dunno, I'll need to check that out
Thank you so much for the feedback! I'll take all this into consideration