Hyper Star presents: The Distant Huntsmare Lights Her Horn...
...and the Skylark sings with me, "O what terrible fate this be!"
It was a lovely day in Equestria, the sun was shining, the birds were singing and– this intro has been used to death...
“Sorry, Fluttershy, but I need to go now. Thanks for the tea!”
“Oh, that's okay, I also need to leave as well; I've ran out of carrots for... An-... -gel...” she stared out of the window.
“Fluttershy?”
“Huh?” Fluttershy looked at Rainbow Dash again.
“Are you okay?”
“Did you see that? Please tell me you saw that!” Fluttershy was sounding desperate.
“Calm down! See what? What are you talking about?!”
“It's out there! I just saw it!”
“There's nothing there!” Rainbow flew towards the window and — as expected — saw nothing, “See? I told you.”
“B–but, It was... it w–was there!”
“Fluttershy, calm down, you're fine. Now, I need to leave.”
“Weird...” Rainbow whispered to herself as she trotted towards Fluttershys' bear and whispered, “Listen, I don't know if you can understand me and I honestly feel really stupid talking to you but... keep an eye on her, will ya?”
The bear nodded.
“Well, what'dya know...” Rainbow Dash opened the door of the cottage and left.
“I'm fine... I'm fine...” Fluttershy repeated to herself, continously darting her eyes around the room and looking outside the window.
Her animals shared nervous glances.
I'm just... fine...
“Get out a' 'ere ya filthy varmints!” Applejack shouted at the rabbits — that were eating all the carrots in the field — who, after hearing her, hopped away. “And good riddance!”
Applejack looked at the field, all those had taken months to plant, thanks for nuthin', stupid rabbits.
Another rabbit hopped towards her, “Ugh! Another o– wait, Angel?”
Angel Bunny looked frightened, he waved his arms around frantically and gestured for her to follow him.
“What? But I got chores to– okay, fine.”
Angel hopped off and Applejack galloped after him.
“Darling, are you okay?”
“...”
“Fluttershy?”
“Huh?” Fluttershy snapped back to reality, she found herself walking through Ponyville market with Rarity, many ponies standing behind stalls selling various things. “What? Where am– oh, right, carrots, carrots for Angel–”
“Fluttershy, are you feeling sick?”
“Hm? No.”
“Oh, alright then, its just that you look a bit... what's the word... frazzled.”
“I'm... fine...” she stared out into the distance. Suddenly her eyes widened and she stepped back, seemingly noticing something among the bushes, “Oh no,” she said.
“Fluttershy?”
“D–did it follow me here? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.”
“Darling? Are you okay?"
”The creature! I–is it here? Has it s–started f–following me?!
“Listen, Fluttershy, dear, I'll get your carrots for you, meanwhile you must go home; you seem like you need some rest.”
“O–okay, yes, yes please.” Fluttershy galloped off.
A raccoon hopped out of the bush.
Huh, since when is Fluttershy afraid of raccoons?
Twilight and Pinkie were walking through Ponyville, making their way to Fluttershy's cottage.
“What... what was it?”
Twilight shrugged, “I... wish I knew, nopony knows what attacked her.”
“How could they not?! Not a single pony?!”
“Not a single pony.”
“Ugh! We should've hurried to get there! Maybe we could've helped her! My Pinkie Sense told me a friend was in danger–” Pinkie stomped her hoof on the ground, “–so we should've hurried up!”
Tears started welling up in Pinkies eyes, Twilight gave her a hug, “It's not your fault.”
Rainbow Dash came charging at them from down the street, “Okay, okay! Enough of that! What are you waiting for? We gotta go!”
“Great work, Dash, you managed to remember us. What do you want?”
“Rarity keeps bugging me to go "investigate the crime scene" with you since she's at the hospital with Applejack to see Fluttershy.”
“Couldn't you just... I dunno, go back to the hospital? There's still plenty of time before visiting hours are ove–”
“Nice try, but you're not getting rid of me that easily.”
Twilight glanced over at Pinkie, Pinkie shrugged, “I mean... we could use the help.”
“Alright, come on.”
An explosion took place in the kitchen of Sugar Cube Corner, covering the walls with batter, flour and eggs and filling the room with smoke.
“Well, I failed miserably.”
“That's weird, that's never happened before.”
“So you mean I failed so bad that it was supposed to be impossible to fail like this?”
“Yup! I don't have any other explanation. The oven never just explodes like that, the cake might, but not the oven.”
“But how?! I measured each ingredient exactly right!”
“That's because just measuring isn't enough! You gotta–...”
“Hm?”
“Aching back... it's Pinkie Sense for...”
“For what?”
“It tells you that–” Pinkie looked out the window and noticed Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash rushing towards Fluttershy's cottage, “–a friend is in danger.”
“Or maybe it just means you're tired.”
“I dunno, we should probably check on Fluttershy.”
Applejack galloped after Angel, she had made sure to grab her shovel in case there was danger.
“Whatever's the matter, darling?”
“Angel Bunny here, came ter me, ah'm thinkin' it's 'cause Fluttershy needs help.”
“Oh yes, poor dear's always had a bit of paranoia, it isn't a surprise for someone who lives so close to the Everfree Forest. Would you mind if I came along? I need to give her these carrots.”
“Pear-noah? Nah, but she does seem ter be gettin' increasin'ly jumpy.”
“Yes, that's what I me–”
Rainbow Dash zoomed towards the two, a baseball bat in her hooves, “There you are! Did you hear that?”
“Hear wha–”
A loud roar — although soft to them since they were much farther from its source — came from the direction of Fluttershy's cottage, it didn't sound like any normal animal.
“That.”
“Rarity? Ah'm guessin' you'll need ter grab somethin'.”
“Can you understand them?”
“Of course not, why, can you?”
“Nope,” said Pinkie, “atleast, I don't think so?”
“Too bad, it seems like they're the only other creatures here who have any info'.”
Twilight ran a hoof over the windowsill, “The window was open when you, Applejack and Rarity arrived, right?”
“Yep.”
“Hang on, let me do something real quick.”
Twilights horn lit up and suddenly her, Rainbow and Pinkies vision was now a slight shade of pink, with various white hoof prints on the ground that showed where they had recently walked. There were various hoofprints around the cottage — their hoofprints, and hoofprints leading from the Everfree to the cottage door — the hoofprints of... hmm, I'm not sure, I guess we'll see?
“Ah! What the heck did you do?”
“This is a new spell learned, it can show you a pony — or any other creatures — hoofsteps, no matter the material they walked on.”
“Wait, if this is supposed to show hoofprints, and since there's hoofprints coming from the Everfree to the cottage, then why aren't there any coming from the cottage and into the forest?”
“Uhh, huh?”
“Hmm, good point, you can't run away without, well, running.”
“Actually, you can,” Rainbow said, “you could fly.”
“That could be possible, but only if we presume that they didn't leave from some other alternative way.”
“You mean like... from underground? Nope, that's not possible.”
“Oh?”
“'Cause I saw them.”
“...”
“Riiight, this could've helped us a looong, looong while ago.”
Applejack opened the door of Fluttershy's cottage, with her shovel, Rarity and Rainbow Dash with her, the former wielding a frying pan and the latter brandishing around a baseball bat.
“Is this a lost cause? Fluttershy has many animals, maybe we're just overreacting.”
“Yeah, you'd know, since you're the Queen of overreacting...”
Another roar was heard, this time — it seemed — of a different creature. “Stay back! I'm headin' in.”
“Stay back?! No way!” Rainbow Dash rushed to Fluttershys room to see a bear standing outside, looking a bit frightened, the door ajar and the window open. She caught a glimpse of a figure retreating back to the Everfree Forest.
“What is it?”
“Just... Harold? Humby? Harry? Whatever, I mean the bear.”
“Why is the window open?”
“I dunno, maybe it's open 'cause she wanted some fresh air?”
“Somethin' ain't right.”
“What's wrong, darling?”
The a dead squirrel lay in front of them, missing its head.
“Oh my, I see what's wrong now...”
“Where's Fluttershy?”
Applejack entered the door to Fluttershy's room, it seemed completely empty, or so she thought. She noticed something by the bed, it was Fluttershy.
“Fluttershy...? What happened?”
“...”
“What's wrong? Why're ya on the floor like that?”
There was blood on the floor near Fluttershy,
“You two! Get over here! now!”
Twilight scrutinised the door, apparently having noticed something strange.
“What's the door gonna tell you?” Pinkie knocked on it.
“Was the door unlocked when you got here?”
“Yeah, but I don't think that's important.”
“There's no sign of forced entry, that means Fluttershy must have left the door open.”
“Fluttershy? Leave the door open? Never, she's always too scared some creature from the Everfree's gonna find its way inside.”
“Maybe she forgot?”
“Well... she had been acting pretty weird but I dunno, you should ask Rarity; she was the last one with Fluttershy before... this.”
“Alright then, Pinkie? Could you do us a favour and go talk to Rarity?”
“Aye, Aye!” Pinkie gave a mock-salute and ran off towards Ponyville at impossible speeds for an Earth Pony.
“Meanwhile, Rainbow, I'm gonna need you to elaborate more on that "weird" part.”
Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash rushed out of Fluttershy's cottage, with Applejack carrying Fluttershy on her back.
“You guys! What happened?!” Twilight and Pinkie Pie galloped towards them, Twilight holding a broom and Pinkie pointing a banana around like a gun.
“You came just in time! Use your magic and teleport us to the hospital, quick!”
A flash of bright pink light and the group was now at the hospital.
“Ah'm gonna stay here, ya'll can decide what you're gonna do.”
“We'll stay for a while, but I'm gonna need to check out what went on at the cottage. Judging by you guys' descriptions it was definitely some kind of Everfree creature nothing I've ever heard of, though.”
“Can I come?” Pinkie asked.
“Sure.”
Rarity and Applejack were just leaving the Ponyville General Hospital when Pinkie Pie rushed towards them.
“Hey guyyyss!”
“Howdy Pinkie, what do ya need?”
“Oh, nothing from you, I'm here to interrogate Rarity here,” Pinkie said, suddenly becoming extremely serious.
“Uhm, oh no?”
“Oh yes! It seems you were the last pony with Fluttershy before all of this, was there anything... weird going on with her?”
“With Fluttershy? Yes, actually, she was acting like something was stalking her. She also mentioned something about a creature.”
“Creature... okay, thanks Rarity!” Pinkie zoomed off once more.
“Wait!”
“So... do we follow her?”
“I suppose.”
Fluttershy was sitting on her couch, looking out the window every now and then. A small squirrel scurried towards her and handed her a flower. “Oh, thank you so much, Buffy, but I doubt a flower would help me...” Fluttershy noticed something outside the window, “Harry? What are doing outside?”
The bears' head popped out from the hallway, he shrugged.
“Huh? Wait if you're there, then what's... oh no.”
Fluttershy signalled her animals to hide and she too, hid under her bed. The door's locked, I'm safe, the door's locked, I'm safe...
There was a violent banging on the door of the cottage, the creature banged on, shaked, kicked the door until finally, it decided something else. Fluttershy — hiding under the bed — could not make out anything, but she could hear,
a sort of twinkling, shimmering noise, like Twilight using her magic; next, a creaking sound, the door opening; footsteps, getting closer and then suddenly stopping, the hoofsteps were replaced with violent slashing and growling. Fluttershy peeped out from under the bed, The thing had started approaching again, but without hoofsteps, how is it walking without– wait... it's flying...
The thing approached the bed and looked under it, and saw Fluttershy. Fluttershy was frozen with fear, with no clear idea of what she or the creature was going to do next. Her breathing was getting heavy and she did what she never expected — or perhaps expected — herself to do,
she offered the creature the flower,
and the creature? Ate it,
along with what was holding the flower;
it bit her hoof
Twilight, Pinkie, Dash, Applejack and Rarity were in the library of Twilight's Castle, searching through various books.
“Oh oh! What about this? We haven't checked this yet!” Pinkie held up a book, the title said:
"Aincent Myths of Equestria."
“Pinkie, read the title! Do you even know what "myths" are? That book hasn't been of any use, its just filled with useless fairytales.”
“C'mon Twi, the "Mare in the Moon" was also a "myth", but that didn't stop Nightmare Moon from returnin'.”
Twilight reluctantly grabbed the book, “Fine, for Fluttershy.”
“Princess! Please! You must help us!” two ponies rushed into the throne room.
“Greetings, what seems to be the matter?”
“It's a creature! It looks like a normal pony, but it's not!”
“A foul beast!”
“It's terrorising Ponyville! Huntin' ponies down!”
“Destroying crops, killin' ponies, kidnappin' foals, you name it!”
“You must help us!”
“Hmm, alright then, we shall send guards as quick as possible.”
“Thank you so much, your highness!”
The beast was deemed the name "The Huntsmare" and was never heard from again, the event was chalked off as two ponies thinking this was funny.
“Hibernation for a thousand — or more — years? Pfft, yeah right and oh, would you look at that, it can possess ponies.” Twilight tossed the book aside.
“Seems promisin', any "known sightin's"?”
“A couple, they were considered and probably are fake.”
“I dunno, should we ask Princess Celestia? This creature — if it's real — went to hibernation thousands of years ago, it's aincent! And what else is aincent? Celestia.”
“Rainbow Dash! We can't just walk up to Princess Celestia and ask her if she's heard of some old legend!”
“I guess not, but... you could.” everypony stared at Twilight, she sighed.
“Okay, fine.”
A flash of pink light and Twilights Castle disappeared along with her friends, she now found herself in Canterlot Castle, with Celestia sitting on the throne.
“Princess Celestia! I'm so sorry for interrupting you with a silly question like this but... have you ever heard of a creature called "The Huntsmare"?”
Celestia raised an eyebrow, “Yes,”
“Sorry, let me phrase that better, did this creature ever exi–?”
“Yes,”
“I'm... sorry, but you didn't let me finish, I was asking if it ever exi–”
“It did,”
“What?! Erm, I'm sorry, what?”
“It existed, but I'm curious, for what reason did you bring this up?”
Celestia walked through the Everfree Forest, the place where you'd least expect a Princess to be. She approached the old Castle of the Two Sisters, still in ruins because of the force of her battle with Nightmare Moon. She heard a growling sound behind her, perhaps she could reminisce another time, there was a different problem at hoof.
Se looked behind herself and there she saw it, ripping apart a rabbit and devouring it completely. It's bloodshot eyes turned towards Celestia, but she didn't even flinch; a princess is trained to stay strong, so others may watch her, and do the same.
The beast charged towards her but she didn't move. A yellow glow suffused her horn and the creature was knocked back. It lifted its head one last time and looked at her in the eyes, and finally with a thud, dropped dead on the floor,
or so she thought,
Celestia is powerful, but The Huntsmare was too,
it takes a while for its magic to recover,
but that doesn't mean it never does.
On the longest day of the thousandth year, The Huntsmare woke up and saw the stars aiding in her escape.
F̷͔͌̋ī̶̱͐n̸͎̏a̷͓͚̾͑l̴̗͇͠l̶̦̫̊y̴̅͒ͅ,̸̱͊͝ ̴̱͌t̵͕̟͘ò̸͖̈́o̶͖͑̾k̴͍̱͑͝ ̸̡̟̊h̷̩̃ë̵͉̟́͝r̵̪͚̈́͆ ̷̭̃͐l̵̙̓o̴̗̽n̴̜̲̎g̷̩̒ ̴̙̻̈́̉e̵̟̚n̵̛̥̪ó̴̠̱ǘ̶͍̹g̷̪͑h̸̭̖̉̒.̴̬̹́
The Huntsmare flew off to the moon to reunite with its host.
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I'm so sorry in advance that I have made you read this brainfuck. So, so sorry.
11734585
Horseshit.
11734761
'Kay. Wait... did you like this or not? Because for now I'm assuming you're the one who left the dislike. Either you're saying the story is horseshit or you're telling me a horse pun for the word "brainfuck."
11735473
It's a pun. Not sure about the story yet.
11735625
Alright, tell me when you find out because I've got nothing better to do right now besides preparing for the mid-week slump
Perhaps just a little bit too non-linear? I know you said in your comment that it was originally even more so, but this was still a touch hard to follow. Maybe just a little bit more of an 'establishing shot' for each segment would help? I dunno. Good luck!
11736526
Yeah, I love doing that, it's just that I wanted to make it non linear because it would be super boring if it was linear; it would just be omg monster, monster do dat, oh I found monster, who'll read that? You need something to try and figure out.
But then I went overboard
The thing about me is that I understand it, so I just assume it's fine, but that's obviously a problem because the writer will always understand their own stories.
Since you asked for feedback, I will offer the following. Please bear in mind this is only my opinion, and that I offer you my Maximum Verbosity only on the condition and understanding that you will freely discard any and all feedback that does not suit you. These are my opinions, nothing more.
So. Here we go:
1) Since you're telling this in a non-linear fashion, it's easy for the reader to feel lost, so you as a writer have to be even more meticulous about making everything else clear. It's easy to lose track of who's saying which dialogue in a variety of the scenes, for example, so I would suggest more indicators in the various lines regarding who is speaking. You also might want to triple-check use of italics and spelling.
For example: italics are usually used to indicate either inner monologue, brief emphasis of a word or phrase, or a raised voice. Your freer use of them did pull me out of the story a few times as I was wondering what you were trying to convey.
Again, since you're not using linear cause-and-effect to keep folks oriented, literally every other tool in your toolbox is going to be doing much more heavy lifting. So they've got to all be many times sharper than normal.
2) The characters don't seem to care about each other very much compared to the series, which creates a feeling of mischaracterization. And, again, the feeling of being disjointed from the story this causes will be emphasized by the nonlinear nature of the story. I would suggest making the characters much more likely to take their friend's concerns - and her well-being in general - much more seriously.
3) Celestia would likely be a bit more concerned as well. Initially, she just sent ponies to investigate... but then, later, we find out she hunted down the beast herself. Probably it would help both consistency and her own character's empathy if she responded immediately with stating she was investigating herself, specially since ponies were being murdered.
4) If ponies were being murdered, only the passing of centuries would cause ponies to eventually consider it a myth. As characters mentioned, the same happened with the Mare in the Moon. So it does seem out of character, even without the evidence they found in Fluttershy's place, for Twilight to be so dismissive of checking out ancient myths, both regarding the book and in her discussion with Celestia. And again, for Twilight to be so casually dismissive helps give the impression that she is not as concerned about Fluttershy as she should be, even without the loss of a hoof.
5) One of your other commenters suggested using establishing shots for each scene, and I suggest this as well. Not to establish when, necessarily, but to at least establish the visuals. Again, since you aren't using linear time, more scene setup might help readers not feel cast out from the story they're reading.
6) You might want to have more of it. Which I realize may sound the height of goofiness, but please bear with me.
Fluttershy gets wounded, her hoof is mentioned, and then she just vanishes. What if you open with her in the hospital, surrounded by her friends (who mention Twilight and whoever else is trying to figure out what did this), and then go to the rest as you have them ordered? That would allow her to be more than just a plot device while also hooking our reader in immediately. Just a thought.
I would also suggest adding in a scene where the villain is, in fact, revealed. Otherwise the reader is just left there.
7) Did you mean to imply there was a connection between Nightmare Moon and the current villain? Did the Huntsmare possess Luna while Nightmare Moon was still Nightmare Moon, or right after she was saved? Why did it wait so long before acting?
On that note, you might want to consider another host for the fell beast. While Luna being the murderous monster is a tragedy and horror for the character, some canons include Nightmare Moon as being a possessing entity in the first place. And Luna has been a villain before. So I will admit that one of my reactions at the end was, "Oh no, not again."
Might I suggest having a different host for the villain? Perhaps the reason that Rarity is distracted is that she hasn't seen Sweetie Belle all day and is looking for her, but Sweetie Belle shows up later, seemingly fine, but no memory of the day's events? What if the beast hops from body to body, until finally successfully trapped?
What if the only way to trap it was - with or without Celestia's nod - for Luna and the remaining 5 to trap Celestia in stone or in the sun for a thousand years? How might Luna deal with the painful irony of that?
Or, come to that, what if instead of showing it floating towards the moon... what if the last scene was of Celestia and Twilight alone, working on the spell to find and trap the thing once and for all... and then Twilight turns to her with an evil grin and says something like "Yes, it took some time to get you alone... but you won't surprise me again." And then darkness.
(And as I think of it, if you don't want to use any of these alternatives I might someday!)
Anyway. Regardless of whether you use Luna or somepony else, you might want to have something to follow the reveal. Otherwise, the reader can feel like there was a bit set-up and then the story just stopped without a pay off. It doesn't have to be fully resolved, of course, but give a hint as to whether the heroes are going to win or lose, and what it might cost.
8) As I indicated, your story has a lot of very solid elements to it. It's inspired me with some possible stories here and there, point of fact, because it contains some really good ideas. So, please don't be discouraged. Either by various naysayers, or (especially) by me. I give you this level of feedback and suggestions only in the faith that you will discard and ignore any and all commentary that I offer that you, as a writer, don't care for.
Sometime again!
11740380
Yep, I didn't further explain it because I thought it might be better to leave it vague. It was a last minute add.
Twilight being dismissive of myths was because I definitely wouldn't spend time reading some random fairy tales when my friends hand was fucking eaten (my use of the word fuck is not because I'm mad, I just do that :P)
I didn't show Fluttershy in the hospital because I have no idea how medical stuff works and I know how much it turns off people who have studied that field
An establishing shot was something I was definitely considering, but I decided that "an establishing shot" might feel like an "exposition dump in disguise"
This story was originally going to much longer but I had a trip to go on so I decided to finish things up
The italics thing was just 'cause I was going for the House of Leaves-ish feel
About the lack of concern... I dunno, I'll need to check that out
Thank you so much for the feedback! I'll take all this into consideration