Rainbow Dash finds out that Mare Do Well has returned and that none of her friends are responsible. So who could it be?
Mare Do Well copes with the secret of being mysterious.
Based off of the comic on deviant art entitled Dark Mare Returns found here http://tan575.deviantart.com/art/The-Dark-Mare-Returns-commissioned-316687526
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Okay...
A story written in present tense is always a bit iffy, and is usually hard to follow.
The part about the computer was a stretch, but Celestia de̵s̸c͡èn̕d̸i̵ng because Luna missed a meeting took it a bit too far.
There were some good lines (the tea and cookies line was a personal favorite), but on the whole, it was a bit choppy, with quite a few missing commas and a few spelling mistakes (like "defiantly" instead of "definitely", and "loci" is actually a genetics term and is pronounced "low-sigh").
That being said, I have always thought Luna would make the best night-time vigilante. I mean, think about it. “Ah, so you think the Night is your ally? You merely adopted the Night. I was born of it. I helped mold it. The Night betrays you... because I am the Night.”
There are several problems with this story. Firstly, I think that you dropped Celestia's... er... 'episode' in without enough preparation or lead-up. You could have spent a paragraph or two in the introduction talking about Luna worrying about Celestia becoming irritable and confrontational. However, really, it wasn't even necessary and could be removed from the story without causing any problems whatsoever. Something this big would need to be a climax rather than an incident in the present tense. Similarly the laptop wasn't necessary and, indeed, was a technical anachronism that sticks out like a sore thumb in the mostly-steampunk Equestria. Luna would have gone to the Royal Library and found works by some of the best needle-and-thread artists in Equestrian history.
These are quibbles though. What caught my attention in this story was something that the people here in Europe used to call 'Nobesse Oblige. In essence, it is the duty of the rich and powerful to protect and provide for one's subjects. It is the sort of thing that I can see Luna and Celestia believing in very strongly. Similarly, the romance of the masked Mystery-Mare, saving the world whilst retaining their anonymity would appeal to the artist in Luna who makes the starry heavens at night. The idea of Luna becoming a masked heroine is therefore very much in character and I think that you portrayed her very well in this story.
Overall, therefore, the positives in this story outweigh the negatives. I'll be watching to see how things evolve from here. FWIW, I've always thought it credible that the Elements become a kind of superhero group (a quadrupedal Teen Titans or Outsiders), possibly under Luna's mentoring. The scenario in this story potentially sets up that outcome.
I'll be watching out for more of this story!
So, I agree that the whole Celestia thing was really out of place, and just did not belong so in the revised version it is now gone. The laptop was out of place too and is know gone as well.
I'm thankful for the feed back and am glad you enjoyed it to a certain extent.
Also, Agile Flourish is a bit like Luna's faithful student, but really more of her faithful journalist.