Flamesoar is a unicorn mare with three legs who is working in a program run by the wonderbolts.
She is joined by her depressed sister and a wonderbolt with an anger management disability. Feather an alicorn, wonderbolt is set as their supervisor and together they try to fix their problems.
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By the way Wish's accent is Britsh and Medley's is Irish.
I got some suggestions
1. Your format is fine for Print media, but for on screen, make sure each person/pony speaking has there own paragraph.
Breaks and spaces make the story easier for the reader to follow. On Screen it is too easy for text to appear as a single continuous paragraph or also known as the wall of text.
2. Besides the difficulty people might have for following the story visually plot wise I don't see where you are going?
You got scenes and details that do not serve your plot. Like why Flamesoar took a swim in that pool in the first place.
Why did Flamesoar and her sister decided not to speak to each other after the accident.
3. You need double quotation marks for dialog not single quotation marks ( " dialog " not 'dialog' ).
4. A Major point writers used for story telling, this applies to film, TV and stage as well as written formats is "Show us not Tell us".
715267 have you read Harry Potter? I'll answer for you, NO. In britian you use 'dialog'
and why should Flamesoar go for a swim? Have swim pass will swim.
Why did Flamesoar and her sister decided not to speak to each other after the accident. how does this not serve the plot?!I
got some suggestions; your are critiqueing me and using bad grammar!
1. Your format is fine for Print media, but for on screen, make sure each person/pony speaking has there own paragraph.
Breaks and spaces make the story easier for the reader to follow. On Screen it is too easy for text to appear as a single continuous paragraph or also known as the wall of text.
Does it matter!
715596
Well I never said I was perfect, yes my grammar needs work but so does your writing. I had a easier time understanding Shakespeare.
"British"? Yes I have read Harry Potter, I prefer the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Lord of the Rings, Chronically of Narnia or the works of H.G. Wells. Hell I prefer Jane Austin to J.K. Rowling and do not care for Pride an Prejudiced and Sense and Sensibility. But that point is moot.
Yes I do realize British grammar standards used single quotation marks I assumed you were American as most of the people I know on Fim Fic are Americans.
I'd like to apoligise for the earlier format, but I had to go throught it on this web site manually readding each one, they were not origanally like that but I think that I have fixed that issue and in advance for any I'M's that tend to have appeared everywhere and there is no easy way to get rid if them.
I also apoligise if I missed any single quotation marks for those who are picky about how many there are.
717423 Also you might have thought to look at my first comment that two of the ponies actually have birtish and Irish accents, it might have given you a clue.
And plus American can mean anywhere in south or north america, and also I'm Irish and French.
718524
It threw me off, but if you are going for the British standards in grammar that is fine. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
And I didn't put in account that you gave two characters accents meant anything about your nationality. I though you gave Wish and Medley accents to spice up there character. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png
Ether way i liked the concept that not all ponies were physically the same and there are few who are bound to have physical disabilities regardless if its by a accident or birth defect.