The Hairy Scary Dictionary

by Str8aura

Very Vocabulary

In the Canterlot Castle's finest of ballrooms, the Grand Galloping Gala raged in full swing. Another year brought another swathe of elites and friends of the crown, mingling and feasting from one of the biggest social events in the country, hosted by Her Majesties Celestia and Luna themselves.

At their own table in the center, the Elements of Harmony, Starlight, and Spike were gathered and engaged in conversation. Only one member was conspicuously absent- Twilight, who had excused herself early to tend to something elsewhere in the castle.

"Rainbow Dash doesn't take baths." Fluttershy said flatly, without any prior introduction or segue.

"I do take baths!" Dash protested. "I've just been staying in her house, and you know- Her fuckin' rabbit watches you while you do it! How am I supposed to take a bath with an animal staring me down the entire time?"

"Angel wants to make sure you get a good cleaning." Fluttershy firmly refuted.

"Yeah, Rainbow. Angel wants to make sure you get a good cleaning." Spike snickered. "Who are you to deny him?"

"It's gross. Does he tell you I'm not taking baths? Because that might be worse." Dash accused.

"EVERYBODY STOP TALKING!"

The effect on the crowd was palpable. The waiters, the guests, the diarchs of Equestria themselves- everybody instantly shut up, and turned to face the heavily panting Twilight. Sweat was running down her forehead in rivulets, and her entire body shuddered with each breath. She stood at the top of the stairway that led further into the castle, the part of the castle most Gala guests were forbidden from entering to prevent any would-be explorers nosing around. She appeared to have arrived from her destination running.

Twilight's face strained, as if thinking hard, and when she spoke it came out garbled and strangled.

"Ponies... In room... In danger." She said slowly, magically amplifying her voice to fill the room. She spoke purely in chunks, a few words at a time, each time wincing as if anticipating something awful. "Everybody... Inside... Listen closely. No need for alarm! But, Er... Failure listen... will be fatal."

Dull murmurs broke out, the natural outlet of confusion and fear. As soon as it began Twilight screamed- not even any particular word, just a massive glurge of anxiety regurgitated out that shocked the entire crowd back into submission.

"Said! No! Talking!" She repeated.

"Twilight, please." Rarity approached her slowly, unsurely. "If there's something you n-"

Rarity vanished. There was no noise, or even a poof of teleporation- she just simply ceased to be.

Immediately the crowd began to panic, and as they did more and more individuals began to speak up.

"We're i-"

"Where'd she go? I-"

"Are we go-"

Each time they spoke, the offending guest would abruptly disappear without even a chance to finish their sentence.

Already beginning to sense a trend, Celestia was the first to act. She dug deeply into her reportoire of spells and unleashed a wave of gold across the entire gala, ceasing all activity. Every pony in attendance, with exception of Luna and Twilight, was encased in a gold aura that held them in place. Their eyes darted about, but the job had been accomplished.

The crowd was noticably a smidge smaller, and more loosely distributed.

Celestia opened her mouth, but decided against it, nodding Twilight on instead.

Twilight returned the gesture, proofing into existence a whiteboard behind her.

Slowly, trepidatiously, she levitated a marker to the board's face and gingerly wrote a single letter on it.

I

The whiteboard vanished from existence.

Luna sucked in air nervously.

Twilight shook her head and summoned another, writing more carefully this time. Her message was as follows;

Magic experiment.

(Celestia let out a stifled groan.)

Modified magic mirror. Wanted reach human dimension, invite friend. Opened other dimension instead. Magic creature. Invisible. Unimaginably fast.

In room with

Us

Twilight noticably hesitated as she wrote the last word, but sighed in relief and kept writing.

Certain words cannot say. Creature eat if do. Current banned list of words:

Twilight was careful this time. She wrote each letter individually, erasing them before moving onto the next, and paused at the end of each word to indicate a break. No one word was ever entirely on the whiteboard at a time.

When she was done, the board was empty again, and she could only pray that the list had been burnt into the audience's memory.

The
You
We
I
My
A
And
To
Is
Are
Thesaurus

Luna ventured a sentence first. "Common words. Chosen... Makes easier? Why not just eat?"

"Creature has rules." Twilight clarified. "Not know why. Creature seem choose words. First, only one word. By time figured out, more."

Celestia frowned. "So at any moment, creature could decide new word banned... W- U- Err... Ponies... Not be knowing?"

Twilight shook her head gravely. "Ponies not be knowing. Except... Trial. Error."

An uncomfortable chill settled onto the room.

"Seal room. Now." Twilight demanded, and Celestia did as ordered. "Cannot let creature out on populace. Entire race could go extinct. Need figure out how kill. And-"

Twilight vanished.

The crowd quietly erupted in panicked but muffled noises, still unable to move. Only Celestia and Luna remained mobile, taking a step back.

Celestia looked between the whiteboard, Luna, and the crowd.

She steeled her gaze.

"Room sealed. Nobody enter. Nobody leave." She began. "Luna. Elements. Any guards- Report. Rest of room- Only talk if absolutely need."

She slowly lowered her spell, her horn losing its aura. The crowd regained movement, but nobody seemed keen to go anywhere. They shuffled between their hooves nervously, glancing around. The mane six, sans Rarity and Twilight, stepped forward to the whiteboard as the rest crowded around curiously.

The first thing Celestia did was take the whiteboard in her magic. She cleanly broke it into multiple miniscule tiles, upon which she wrote letters. When she was done, the list had been reconstructed as if it was a game of Scrabble.

The
You
We
I
My
A
And
To
Is
Are
Thesaurus

"Rainbow, be our writer." She passed the marker to Dash, who dutifully nodded.

Immediately, Applejack raised the obvious question. She tapped the last word with her hooves and raised an eyebrow.

"Why?" She asked simply. "Resta them words common. Monster wanna make nibbling us easy as possible. Why sucha uncommon word, then?"

It took her a moment to realize why everyone was staring at her.

"Well, shoot." Applejack said in disbelief. "Contractions don't rightly set it off. Damn, ta think ah coulda been gobbled up right th-"

Applejack vanished.

Pinkie immediately pointed at the I tile. The rest of the group tittered uncomfortably, and Fluttershy squeaked.

"Monster in room with us. Monster eat ponies." One of the guards immediately tried to regain control of the situation. "Monster surely take up physical space. Could we-"

He vanished, and without missing a beat the identical twin guard beside him picked up the sentence. "-Just stab or shoot the-"

"-Monster, or use some sort of a-"

"-Invisibility-dispell on it?"

The group considered the sentence which had claimed three lives. Both alicorns and a few unicorns began casting, blindly throwing out everything from Changeling-Reveal to Illusion-Away, and similarly trademarked spell names. Pinkie pulled out a can of silly string and began blindly spraying, which achieved nothing but covering the group in silly string.

"Nothing." Luna sighed. "Either monster immune to magic, or physically not take up space. If come from other dimension, no way of knowing how it works, and-"

Luna vanished. Celestia started, staring at the space she had previously held in shock.

Pinkie grew thoughtful. "¿Solo inglés?"

A zebra in the crowd turned towards them curiously when the idea was proposed. "Subiri. Ina maana kama mimi-"

"或者如果我-"

"Oder wenn ich-"

"Other languages don't work!" Rainbow Dash groaned, shooting a glare at a long lineup of species from various nations, ending in an inexplicably French gryphon. "C'mon, guys. Think for a second."

Rainbow Dash froze, and immediately pointed at the nearest guard. "That was him!"

The guard succinctly vanished. Dash sighed and wiped her brow.

Dash, Celestia, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Starlight, and Spike remained, as well as many other guards and guests whose fates will likely be unimportant.

"Need keep thinking." Celestia said slowly. "Only speak if absolutely neccesary. Remember, new words can be banned at any moment, if Monster-"

Gone went Celestia.

Now the crowd really began to stammer.

"...Monster?" One guest peeped, and away she went.

"...Creature." Another said surely, and away he went.

"...Big bad guy?" This one took a few moments of hesitation, but eventually its proposer ceased to be as well.

"Stop it!" Fluttershy uncharacteristically exploded. "Trying censor mentions of name! If keep suggesting synonyms, more words get banned!"

Rainbow immediately went to work grabbing more tiles and lining them up, polishing up their list.

The
You
We
I
My
A
And
To
Is
Are
Thesaurus
Monster
Creature
Big bad guy

Looking at it all together, something seemed to click. Pinkie tapped one of the words. "Book that not dictionary... Name?"

"Would make sense." Starlight agreed contemplatively. "Fat load of good it does us, though."

"Honestly, surprised it hasn't banned the word 'it'-" And away went the gruff voiced guard who had deigned to give it an idea.

"Great." Starlight sighed. "Nobody do that, please."

And away she went.

The
You
We
I
My
A
And
To
Is
Are
Thesaurus
Monster
Creature
Big bad guy
It
That

"Argh, this so unfair!" Rainbow Dash held her head in annoyance when she finished writing. "Need stop experimenting. Need find way kill, now!"

"Not physical. Can't be fought. Can't be understood. Can eat on whim." Starlight stomped the floor in frustration. "How work?"

"Maybe... Can communicate?" Fluttershy peeped. "Clearly understands us. Very intelligent. If talk... Maybe listen?"

Nobody said a word, but Dash and Spike begrudgingly nodded, recalling how that exact strategy had worked more often than they cared to admit.

Fluttershy cleared her throat, looking hopefully up at nothing in particular.

"Mister... Or miss... Or... Word not dictionary... Hungry? Ponies don't make good food. Ponies... make good food. Ponies willing listen, if willing talk. Ponies make friends. Ponies... care a lot. Ponies-"

Pinkie sighed, and added another word.

The
You
We
I
My
A
And
To
Is
Are
Thesaurus
Monster
Creature
Big bad guy
It
That
Ponies

"How not immensely broken up about friends dying?" One guest asked.

Spike shrugged. "Tiny horses get eaten all time. Brightly colored, taste like candy. They'll be fine."

"What amazing me, monster banning words so slowly." Rainbow piped up. "Letting us talk so freely, when could just start deciding words banned for any reason want."

Everybody present turned to look at Rainbow, none particularly amused.

Rainbow glanced around. "What? What say?"

Spike sighed. "Rainbow, you dumb-"

Dumb was added

Starlight jolted up straight in a panic. "Wait, no, can't be-"

Be

"Cheating!" Pinkie frowned angrily. "Big monster cheating-"

Cheating was added

"Wait, wait, what about sport? Sport of hunt?" One of the nobles in attendance demanded. "Eating tiny horses not fun if just grab willy nilly, no? Not more fun play with food?"

For a moment, the Thesaurus hesitated.

The noble smiled smugly. "Yeah, there go. Dumb bitch-"

Dumb bitch was added.

One by one, ponies continued to speak up. Some begged for their lives, some offered up their money or houses or family, and some simply whimpered in fear. The only one who remained silent the entire time was Rainbow, too busy eagerly writing down new words each time they resulted in a hasty gobbling up.

By the time the room went silent, the list looked like this:

The
You
We
I
My
A
And
To
Is
Are
Thesaurus
Monster
Creature
Big bad guy
It
That
Ponies
Dumb
Be
Cheating
Dumb bitch
Family
Money
Sexual favors
Please
Wait
No
Daddy
What the fuck
Nuh uh
Eat my ass
Celestia help
Nonaffluent

When Dash finally ran out of room on the whiteboard's pieces, it occurred to her that the room was entirely empty. Only half-finished glasses and plates indicated there had ever been anyone but her in this room.

Her and the Thesaurus.

She gulped loudly, distinctly aware of how alone she felt. The room was still sealed shut magically, every crack filled and door locked. She couldn't even run- It was just her, standing in front of the deadliest predator in Equestrian history.

Alone with her thoughts. So, with nothing else to do, she thought.

Okay, Dash. Dash-a-mile. Blue fast. Broski. The Thesaurus eats you if you say a word it deems 'banned'. It's intelligent- Very intelligent. But it's hesitated before, meaning it needs to think about your words before it can eat you. It's a monster, but it's a monster with a code. And something language-based is magically binding it to said code. All I have to do is figure out how to short circuit that code.

She thought, and she thought. For what felt like hours she sat alone in the empty ballroom, feeling the invisible eyes of the Thesaurus bore into her, just waiting to finish it's meal.

Rainbow's eyebrows shot up. Her mouth flew open. She grinned wider than she had ever grinned before.

"THAT'S IT! I've got i-"

And then there were none.

The ballroom was empty. Filling its walls, everywhere and nowhere at once, the Thesaurus settled down and prepared to sleep off a meal fit for a king.

...

Rumble.

Rumble.

All at once the room was full again. Hundreds of creatures materialized into existence, accompanied by a disgusting retching noise, and at the top of the pile Dash landed with a wet smack.

For a moment the room was chaos, everybody trying to get off each other and onto the ground. Loud bangs and strange distressed noises emenated from every corner of the room, as the thoroughly displeased Thesaurus shot every which way.

Twilight recovered first, lighting her horn quickly. As soon as she could muster the energy for it, she created another magical tear in the air, and an invisible whoosh retreated into it before it shut again.

Twilight licked her lips nervously. "Err... 'The'?"

Nothing.

"The Thesaurus is gone, everypony." Twilight said, almost too astounded to believe her own words. "It's retreated to its home dimension. The... Thesaurus is gone."

The room unsealed. Hordes of wet and drool-covered creatures began to file out, none of them particularly in the mood for partying anymore.

In the center of the room, around one of the abandoned tables, the main characters reconvened. All of them seemed too shocked for words, thoroughly traumatized by the experience. Rarity mewled like a cat, shivering from the cold after spending several minutes inside the Thesaurus' muggy guts, and now sans most of her fur and hair.

"My faithful student." Celestia began, swelling with pride. "I always knew you would find a way-"

"I didn't do anything." Twilight immediately rebutted. "I was trying not to digest."

Celestia blinked in surprise. "Oh! Ah- Well then, what caused it to so suddenly... Give us up?"

Every member of the mane six, sans the stunned Twilight, glanced in annoyance at Rainbow.

She scoffed. "What?"

Fluttershy sighed. "Take a bath, Rainbow."

Author's Note:

Inevitably I slipped up and missed a word. Let me know if you're oh-so-smarter-than-me and notice.

Comments

[Casketbase77]

A long time ago, you offhandedly stated that your stories "pretend to take themselves seriously."

Since hearing that, I've had a much easier time grappling with your complicated storytelling style. There's less stress in sifting through metatext, irony, sarcasm, and sleight-of-hoof when there's also an assurance this isn't a test and we're all having fun here. Welcome to Ponyville was an old upload over which I fretted the hardest. Throwing Up was the first one I read after the "Pretends To Take Itself Seriously" enlightenment, and as a result I engaged a lot better.

So where does this one land? Closer to Throwing Up, I'm happy to report. The ton of warning tags prep us for the darkest of dark comedies, though its still rather jarring to see our characters blinked out of existence by the Equestrian equivalent of SCP ••|•••••|••|•. Typical slasher tropes are lovingly indulged, such as the demon's first victim being the moron who conjured in the first place.

(Then again, the list of triggers had 11 entries by the time Twilight burst in on the party. Best not to speculate how she confirmed them all.)

The tone settles into strangeness as the reaction to Twilight's death isn't panic, but instead resolution that the monster is a puzzle whose solutions should be guessed at. No partygoers seem concerned that wrong guesses result in sharing Twilight's fate, but Spike does point out that ponies are silly little prey animals who are used to this sort of thing. That's the closest reiteration I've ever you get repeating the quote at the start of this essay.

And so, much like the film Cube, we straddle horror and intrigue as our dwindling cast tries and fails to guess workarounds to the environmental terror. It's telling that the strongest emotion expressed is Pinkie's accusation that the "monster is cheating!"

Even Rainbow Dash is too busy keeping up the list of words (at this point too long to have any practical usefulness) to realize she's become the Final Girl of this slasher.

Regarding the monster's defeat, Rainbow Dash's unwashed-ness is an unexpected Chekov's Gun. Per your tendency to open stories with tangents, in-jokes, obscure pop culture references, or some combination thereof, I shrugged off this opening too. Ya got me with this one. It's pretty telling that Celestia hollowly attempts to state some sort of aesop and Twilight wearily shuts her down.

This antagonist was smart, strong, fast, and able to alter the rules of reality, but there's one rule of Gen 4 not even the Thesaurus can touch: things always work out for Rainbow Dash. Preferably without her doing any exertion or conscious prep.

If I were to finish Celestia's attempt at a lesson, I'd say that once losing is inevitable, try changing tactics to make victory unsatisfying. You might get your opponent to rage quit.

But of course, in a story that only pretends to take itself seriously, there's no need for an aesop. Just a pat on the back for a bizarre, creative, and appropriately ghoulish Halloween entry. Here's hoping Rarity finds a decent outfit to wear while recovering from stomach-acid-induced-baldness. A simple mohawk isn't gonna cut it this time.

Happy Nightmare Night, everyone! Be mindful of your words. And your hygiene.

[Str8aura]

11722359
Aside from ultimately wanting to keep it a comedy, I figured that actual tragic reactions to the blinking away of characters would be too wordy (watsonian) and take readers out of the base premise (doylist). Maybe a bit weird to think too hard about, but it's not like potential world enders are new grounds for Equestria.

Rereading with your comment in mind, the inevitable plot hole occurs to me; The whiteboard was split into pieces so no word was ever fully formed, which is an excuse that doesn't really work with single letters like A or I. Oh well. I kept refuting the list because both I and the audience needed it constantly fresh in our memory. After Welcome to Ponyville, this is my second fic to feature an eldritch monster that snacks on ponies, and I'd like to think it's a better usage of that little appeal of mine in a better fic. And yes, I was aware of and actively trying not to copy too hard from The SCP Which Shall Not Be Named.

God, it's good to see a comment from you again. With single digit likes every story, that might as well be my reward. It's weird to think I now have a successful, longform fic that isn't about mlp.

[Casketbase77]

11722741

Details, rules, inconsistencies... high concept stories always have threads to pull at, even the greats like Groundhog Day or It Follows. No need to fret over the whiteboards; maybe the lettes "A" and "I" were spread over multiple tiles. Or Dash's hoofwriting was so sloppy they weren't legible as letters. The two genres least expected to have airtight plots are horror and comedy, so you're in the clear.

It's weird to think I now have a successful, longform fic that isn't about mlp.

Ah, I'd guessed you were off mingling in bigger and better fandoms than this one. Pleased to hear I was correct. You ought to make more blog posts shouting our your offsite projects. You never know your own crossover appeal until you test it.

[TheAncientPolitzanian]

11722741

With single digit likes every story, that might as well be my reward.

For my part, I do find myself mystified that this story hasn't traveled farther than it has. Perhaps it's my own preconceived notions distorting my perspective — 2019, my first and perhaps most lasting impression of what constituted a quote-unquote "hit" on this site, has in hindsight struck me as particularly kind towards comedic oneshots of a similar, slightly sardonic variety — but to my eyes, this had all the makings of a riotous smash. I have no clue why this veritable foghorn's instead slipped under the radar.

Ironically prosaic ramblings aside, I really enjoyed this! A simultaneously humorous and unnerving process of elimination (in terms of both the game and its players, I might cheekily elaborate) that evoked shades of ol' Candle Jack, if that name rings a be—

[FanOfMostEverything]

Fascinating, absurd, and fast-paced enough that most of the dread was in hindsight. Still some great suspense, and it did get legitimately concerning when the Thesaurus decided to stop toying with its prey for a while, but you struck a great balance between horror and comedy. Applejack almost getting a pass was both a great nod to the source of inspiration and a way to subvert any expectations of the same solution working this time.

Great stuff all around. Thank you for it.

[overdue]

11722741
aww i know how it feels to make something and then it's unpopular. I should let you know, I enjoyed the story