I'm RevvEmUp, and I'm just starting to write for Equestria Girls. Been loving the format and user experience in FIMFiction so far.
After Miss Cheerilee was injured in a magical incident that the girls resolved, a new substitute teacher came to replace her. Unfortunately for the girls, they were late on his very first day, and he puts them through the most grueling tasks, and Rainbow Dash doesn't like him one bit. Will they survive this Full Bottle's gauntlet of punishment today?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So what is this story crossover with?
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Kamen Rider Build.
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Ok
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Seriously? Another one!?
I actually keep finding more Kamen Rider crossovers than even Power Rangers?
I will laugh if this crossover comes and goes without any actual Kamen Rider shenanigans.
Apologies for the late upload. I lost track of time since I'm not in the EST region.
Did that camera just talk?!?
On the one hand, I'm very excited about this chapter's end but on the other...I don't want to spoil those reading after me.
Wait, if they got there before first period stated then they weren't late. Wait. Next classes? That means it wasn't the bell for first period. Nevermind, though, you should correct that.
Considering they seemed to have arrived only a little before the end of first period, it wasn't her fault, since they definitely didn't spend about a whole class period staring at it. Or it actually was the first period bell and again, if it was that means they weren't late. How did you mess something simple like this up and made it confusing?
He saw students out during class, even though that doesn't add up when a whole class period didn't seem to have passed between his appearance at the school and them looking at the bike before eventually going in. The plot is hinged on them being late, yet none of this is adding up. Is it currently first period or second period? If first then they can't be late. If second then sure they are, but he showed up around the same time as them. If not somehow then he let them be out for the entire first period.
He didn't seem stricter than the average teacher. No, the fact it comes from Twilight of all people don't make it more believable. It just makes this ridiculous statement more profound.
The others going on and treating what so far was only normal scolding and punishment as much worst than it actually was is laughable. I get you want them to be suspicious, but you needed to actually make his behavior towards the girls more extreme. He treated them perfectly normally in my unbiased opinion.
They are suspicious and think he could be a villain, yet like the typical bond villain they spill their secrets.
What? They all were suspicious at the end of the last chapter and now they and the fic are acting like it's only Rainbow? Sure, I guess
What? Why would she asked that all of the sudden?
How does that make him worst? If Sunset got enjoyment from it that means she is worse. If you are going to have a character state something, have them give a reason that actually supports their statement.
That was pointless for what is only a two-shot.
So her catching the ball before it hit Rarity wasn't his test for her?
So, once again her thoughts went through another 180 out of the blue in a forced way. Ok then.
Overall this fic confused me and I didn't see the point to it. The main plot of the girls being late was executed poorly in a nonsensical way. The girls became suspicious of what is normal scolding and punishment and treat it as much worst. Despite that most magically drop their suspicions at the start of the second chapter. You had characters and moments that were pointless and didn't add to the fic and now at the end I didn't see the point of all this. Well, it wasn't a boring or too aggravating of a read and was just confusing if anything so that's a plus I guess.
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Thanks for the critique. I've been waiting for something like this for a while in any story I do, so let me take the time to respond to your concerns.
For the first period thing, I thought homeroom wasn't counted for a "real" first period.
About them being late for looking at the bike, I might have made the homeroom period a bit short, in hindsight. They just came after homeroom started, and ended a little while afterwords. Gimme a break, I haven't been to high school in years.
I used Twilight to say what she said about strict teachers because she used to be in, what I only assume, an environment with especially-strict teachers.
Lastly (for this half of your review), I wanted to portray Full Bottle as a relatively-harmless smug jerk for putting all that work for the girls instead of a full-on d-head abusing his power as a teacher. I just thought of the most extreme punishments that wouldn't cross the line for a teacher for what could be a very minor thing. I didn't think teachers in C.H.S. would even go as far as what Full Bottle did. I wanted to save the borderline-grueling stuff for his tests in the second chapter.
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For Sunset explaining her plot in the first movie, I figured what she did was public knowledge, and that Full Bottle would stumble upon it sooner or later, maybe already had from word of mouth.
For Twilight putting the blame on Rainbow, she did after all dig through Full Bottle's personal things a second ago, but I guess the way I worded made it sound like Rainbow Dash was directly to blame for the flask breaking when that wasn't my intention.
Sunset was asking her friends if the way Full Bottle treated them is similar to how she treated them in the past as more of a gag and perspective kinda thing.
For Rainbow saying Full Bottle is worse than Sunset, my thought was that to the girls, they knew somewhat he was enjoying them, but he didn't give them a face or an expression to even confirm that. Though with the way he talks to Rainbow Dash about how cool his bike is, it cancels it out, in hindsight.
The thing with Trixie and Wallflower were just gags. Nothing more, nothing less.
It wasn't. He didn't expect Rainbow to save Rarity, just anyone really. Rainbow happened to be the one since she's the fastest, but it did give Full Bottle another taste of her abilities.
Rainbow still thinks rather low of him after everything, but just said what she said to cheer her friends up and have a laugh after a long day.
Thanks for your review. I'm sorry for the confusing way I wrote, I thought most of it made sense in my head, and I couldn't find enough people who care enough to proofread the draft. I really just wrote this for fun, with whatever comes out of my head, but I appreciate that you took the time for this critique.
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Homeroom? I never had homeroom at my high school, though to be fair I am sure different high schools have it differently. Ok, my issue was it wasn't clear enough and should have been in story. Something to note for future fics.
I can only buy homeroom being only a few minutes long, since again barely any time has passed from him showing up to the girls finally entering the building. If that is the case I don't see the point of such a class to be honest, because of such, but whatever.
Except he wasn't really that strict, or went above and beyond. All I saw and read was a reasonable person giving fair and reasonable punishments. At least at the time until the reveal, that he knew the girls weren't responsible for the broken test tube or whatever that was. His actions weren't above and beyond what was reasonable, which would make her literally saying he was worst than her teachers at Crystal Prep valid. He didn't come across as too strict or much of a jerk and the girls came across as spoiled brats, refusing to accept someone reasonably scolding them, especially Rainbow.
For the first part of this paragraph, I can only ask then why have the girls bitch about as if he was? For the second, the only way that would be true is, if they don't punish them at all and since Celestia scolded them for being late too I call bull shit on that. So, like I said before, the girls just come across as whiny brats complaining about someone, who comes across as a fairly strict and reasonable authority figure, that was also a bit cool and laidback at times as well. It really felt you were trying to have it be both ways in terms of that. Also, his tests in the second chapter weren't terrible one bit. They seemed not that bad and tame actually, so I don't know what you are talking about.
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Ok, but what's the excuse to reveal their powers to someone they suspected could be a villain? You could argue what does it really matter anyway, since they outnumber him, giving them an advantage, if he was going to be, and sure fair enough I guess, but it's still an annoying cliché which was more my issue. It's fine. I get and can accept that happening to get to him testing the girls' powers.
No, the Flask had nothing to do with my point here. The point is at the end of the first chapter the girls were all suspicious and willing to use their powers just in case, but they all, except Rainbow seemed to have changed their minds about that, as she seems the only one still suspicious here.
Still say it's force, since she was a vicious bully who ruled the school with fear and tore their friendship apart, while he only somewhat strictly scolded them and gave some minor insults, if you consider them such. Sure, he also knew they were innocent when it came to the second incident, but that in no way compares to what she did. Not even one iota.
But Rainbow implied he wasn't and now you are contradicting that. Also, if he was, that wouldn't make him worst. At most, if would only make him as bad, if his actions were actually at that level and like I stated they are no where close.
The Trixie one is fine, but the Wallflower one just doesn't work in my opinion and just screams pointless. With Trixie it only took up one paragraph, while Wallflower's took too much time that there should have been some relevance to it, but sure I will let that pass.
No indication of that in the fic, but ok sure. Though, her immediately despising him just from a few jabs after considering him cool is a bit forced.
No problem and thank you for taking the time to address my critiques and answer some of my questions.
I saw the text in this fanfic’s plot: “After Miss Cheerilee was injured in a magical incident that the girls resolved, a new substitute teacher came to replace her.”
Do you know what “magical incident” do you know?
If you know, is there a fanfic that details it and how Cheerilee was involved?
Thank you, RevvEmUp.
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Nah, it was meant as a throwaway line to explain her absence and to show there are more adventures the girls had other than the ones shown in the series. It's like a "noodle incident" kinda thing. Sorry to keep your hopes up.
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That’s fine.
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Still, I hope you enjoy this story.
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Actually, I did.
I LOVED the experiments the Equestria Girls went through to test their geode powers for Full Bottle!
Didn't anyone else notice Ultraman Orb's cameo appearance?