Hollow Shades
Hollow Shades, the mere name of the village sent shivers through Rarity's body. She was walking on the only road that led to the village. It was a decent road with a nice and even stone structure that was comfortable for her hooves to walk on, but it didn't make up for the fact that the road went through a dark and foul-smelling forest. It wasn't as bad as the Everfree Forest, but bad enough to make her want to get out of there as quickly as possible. So far she hadn't run into any animals of any kind, but she could feel their eyes creeping up on her, watching her every move.
Alongside the stony road, the remains of train tracks led to the village. They were overgrown with plants and were broken in multiple places; no trains could have passed through for a very long time. The road fared better, but the edges of it had started to be overgrown as well, so she kept herself around the middle of it.
With her she had two large saddlebags that she was carrying. They contained various cosmetics but also three dresses that she had made. Two of the dresses were for her customer, some of the most beautiful dresses she had ever made in her opinion. She hoped they would be able to light up a place like Hollow Shades. Her customer had implied that he good contacts within the Canterlot fashion elite, but the further she went on the road the more she doubted it. She did hope that it would surprise her and turn to out to be a sophisticated village.
The third dress was for her. Along with the order, she had been invited to a party as thanks for her efforts. If she could make a good impression on her customer, then maybe she would receive more than a good word to help her career. The cosmetics had been requested as well, but some of it was for her own use.
After a few more minutes of walking she finally reached a clearing and could see the first house on her journey since she had entered the forest. It was just the station, and it was in no good condition. The wooden roof and the platform had fallen in, and all the windows were broken. Even one of the walls had collapsed. The train tracks didn't even make it all the way to the broken platform; they had an abrupt stop a few metres from the station with a fallen tree. No signs of the tracks ever going all the way to the station existed. She sighed at the sight and continued on with the hopes of the fashion elite drifting further away.
It didn't take much longer until she could see the outskirts of the village. It had the same dark aura as the forest, but since it was surrounded by the forest it didn't surprise her. Here the buildings were in a much better shape than the station had been. Very few things made the houses different from each other; they were all built with wood and had the same wooden roofs. The shapes of the houses were similar as well; two long sides and two short sides. The roofs were of the gable type and it made her wonder a little about how much it rained in the village. The differences were mostly in the size and colours of the houses, red being the most popular. A few of them had more windows, but most of them were covered by curtains of different colours, and she found herself having a hard time seeing anything through the ones lacking curtains. The stone road connected to all the doors, and all houses had either a small or large farmland. Some Earth Ponies worked on the fields; they had sweat all over them and were pulling up vegetables from the ground. Cats ran around freely through the road and the farmlands.
As she went by all the work seemed to stop, mothers pushed their fillies and colts back into the house and then stared at her with creepy eyes, and the ponies working on the fields stopped and stared at her the same way. She shrug it off by telling herself that they rarely got visitors. The children were just being pushed back in to avoid being a nuisance for her. She only half believed her lie, but from what she could see there were only Earth Ponies in the village, Unicorns and Pegasi shone with their disappearance. The village seemed to be only farms so it didn’t surprise her, but it didn't stop her from wondering who it was that fixed the weather.
One house in particular stood out from the rest. It was a round house that was larger than the previous houses she had seen. Like most others, it was red as well. She had been told to deliver the dresses to a round house, and she couldn't see any other in the village. I can always check if it's the right one, she thought as she climbed up the stairs leading to the door. Just like almost everything else in the village it was made out of wood, blue painted wood.
She used her magic to open it up and entered. The first room was quite dark. Three candles emitted light to the room from the walls. A red carpet with patterns lied on the wood as a welcome; the patterns had a close resemblance to vegetables. A picture hung on one of the walls in between the candle lights; it featured a yellow Earth Pony with a house for a cutie mark standing in front of a construction site. Must have been somepony special, she thought.
Further up the hall two wooden doors stood closed. There was one on the right side of the hall and the second on the left side. There was no sign or anything similar to indicate where the doors might lead. With the intention of checking through both doors if necessary, she opened up the right one that led her into a large dining area. A green Earth Pony with a yellow mane and tail stood in front of a large wooden table that seemed to be capable of holding close to a hundred guests. The room was massive and better lit up than the hall had been. Candle lights stood both on the table and hung on the walls. A few of them had been burnt out, but most of them looked new. Together they gave the room a quite lively feeling. Paintings similar to the one in the hall covered the room's walls; all of them featured an Earth Pony that stood in front of something that was closely related to their cutie marks.
"Please excuse me," Rarity said to the stallion standing in the room with her. She tried to sound as seductive as possible while trying to remember the name of the pony she was to meet. "You wouldn't happen to know where Aplite is?"
The stallion turned around to meet her, and she noticed his cutie mark. It was three rocks formed in a formation as a triangle. "You must be Rarity," he said with a voice of dominance. "I am Aplite, the mayor of Hollow Shades. We have been expecting you for a few days. I hope your journey here was pleasant."
"Very pleasant," Rarity lied. She didn't want to hurt the mayor's feelings by saying how incredibly disappointed she was with the village but also the journey through the woods. If he had the contacts he claimed he had, she needed to make sure she was on his good side. "Who is the lucky mare to receive some of my dresses?"
"None other than my own daughter, Rain," Aplite responded with a smile. "You'll have to deliver them to her yourself, and if necessary help her dress; she could use some advice regarding fashion from somepony like you. I would do it myself, but we expected you earlier so the party is tonight. You’ll find her in the blue house to the west of here. It’s impossible to miss it as it’s the only one. Be safe, Princess."
"It will be my pleasure to teach a young mare about fashion," she answered. “But I’m no princess. I would very much prefer if you don’t call me that. I don’t want ponies to get the wrong impression of me.” She remembered the stares she received from the townsponies when she entered the village. It made her wonder if the mayor had already introduced her as such, or if it was because they never got any visitors.
“Forgive me, Rarity,” Aplite said with a smile. “I’ll keep it in mind. You just strike me as one.”
“But I’m not part of the royalty,” she replied. “So if you please can stop making such remarks.” She quickly exited the house where she had entered leaving the Earth Pony thinking. Thoughts were running wild inside of her; she couldn't believe what she had just been called. Princess? It was a dream come true for most mares, and she was no different in that regard. Still, it bugged her that she had been called so out of the blue. She told herself that she would set it straight the next time she would meet him if he insisted to keep calling her that.
She kept her head low and did her best with avoiding anypony that might notice her. It was easy for her to find the blue house that stood out from the rest with its colour. With the exception of the round house, it was the only one she had noticed that didn't have any farmland associated with it. The windows lacked curtains but only darkness could be seen through them. The door glowed with a light cerise colour that seemed like it wanted one to enter. She knocked three times on the door and waited. It took some time until the door opened which gave her a small opportunity to think about what had happened. When the door opened she was greeted by a yellow Earth Pony with a cerise mane and tail. For a cutie mark she had three raindrops in a falling formation. Her hooves were covered in dirt, but attempts to rid her of it could be seen in the form of small scars on her legs. Her mane stood up in all directions in a hideous way, and her face was full of dark rings.
"And you are?" the Earth Pony asked arrogantly. "I have no desire to mingle with creatures like you. Just look at you, a strap-on horn? Truly original…”
Keep it together, Rarity thought. You can't let this opportunity pass by. She showed her teeth slightly out of anger, but she did her best to try and make it look like a grin. "Please, forgive my intrusion," she said with the nicest tone she could force herself to muster. "My name is Rarity, and I bring with me the dresses your father had ordered for you. I think you'll look fabulous in them."
"Took you long enough," the Earth Pony responded. "My father has talked about you. Come on in.” She went back inside the house, and Rarity followed and closed the door behind her with a light kick. "I'm Rain, the most important pony you'll ever meet. I bring this town its rain and make sure the harvest is good. Without me this town would have crumbled. Although, the way you look, I doubt you're even capable of dressing yourself. Even less make a dress. But my father has put in some good words for you, so show me what it is you got." She sat herself down on the floor in front of a large mirror hanging on the wall.
"I think you'll look lovely in these," Rarity answered while baring some of her teeth and pulled out the two dresses from her saddlebags with her magic. A small part of her wanted to slap the Earth Pony hard with the dresses to teach her some manners. Rain didn't make any motion to indicate that she cared about the use of magic. One of the dresses was long with red edges and translucent black fabric covering the rest of it. Stars were formed in such a way that they looked like beautiful glitter all over it. A large dark flower sat on top of the dress.
The other dress had a blue fabric that composed of most of the dress. The edges were black and small red flowers covered the edges. Small gemstones of all colours were spread around the blue dress. With the dress came a pair of blue heel shoes.
"Dress me in the black one," Rain said while barely taking the time to look at the dresses.
Reluctantly Rarity left the blue dress on a nearby table and with her magic helped the Earth Pony get dressed in the other. She doesn't even care, she thought angrily. While she was helping with the dressing she managed to make the time to fully check over the room. It was a large one. Altogether there were three tables standing close to the walls. On two of them dirty clothing and weather instruments lied. The mirror Rain was sitting in front was the only one, but the walls were filled with paintings of her from different angles. She wore ugly dresses on all of them, dirty and broken down. They were the furthest one could get from fashion. A large bed with dirty white sheets and a gigantic madras that looked comfortable stood under two paintings. The floor was littered with items. Most of them broken boxes that looked like they used to have contained make up.
"You look wonderful," Rarity said as Rain slipped into the dress. No longer were the ugly scars and the dirty body visible, but her mane and face still left much to be desired. "I know just the style to go with your dress for your mane. We can't have you look like that during the party." She levitated a brush and some of her cosmetics from her saddlebag and started fixing the Earth Pony.
"I look perfect like this," Rain objected and pushed Rarity away before going towards the door. "A thank you is in order; it's not every day one gets to work on somepony special like me. And fix yourself will you? That horn really needs to go."
"You're a crime against fashion," Rarity whispered angrily as Rain trotted out of the house. She kicked away some of the items that lied on the floor so hard they crashed into the walls. On some parts small cracks could be seen from the impact. Behave like a lady, Rarity, she thought and brought her own dress up to calm herself. It was a completely red dress with a yellow flower on each side where her hind legs would be. In the middle a glittering red knot was tied. Along with the dress she had four pair of red heel shoes that went up to her knees. Two white necklaces and a small tiara made out of silver. With it all she had lots of different kinds of makeup that she applied to her face. Everything to look as good as possible for the party and show the ponies what real fashion is like.
When she left the house all dressed up and prepared for the party she saw ponies from all around the village headed in the same directions as she was, towards the large round house. As she passed by most of them took their time to stare at her. Their dresses and suits were dirty and even broken on some of them. A common pattern within the village she noticed. Not fit at all for a party like this, she thought. No pony tried to do anything to stop her, yet she still kept her eyes open towards all directions and walked as quickly as she could with sweat drops running down her forehead.
At the blue door, Aplite stood and welcomed all the guests. He was wearing a black suit with a white tie. The suit had a few holes and some of the buttons were missing. "I'm so glad to see you here," he said when he welcomed Rarity. "My daughter looks just like a princess in her new dress. A princess, just like you."
“I kindly asked you to not call me that,” Rarity replied annoyed. She imagined how he would look like if she just turned around and walked away, but she kept herself from making it a reality. “It’s not proper etiquette of you to spread lies like that. You should behave better for your daughter’s sake. She gets her rude manners from you.” She turned around and smiled like everything was fine to the few ponies that were still waiting to get inside. They had a strange look on their faces, but she didn’t wait for anypony to reply; instead she hurried inside hoping it would leave him with something to think for a while. The mayor’s voice called out for her, but she couldn’t make out the words.
Not anything at all like a princess, she thought as she saw Rain walking into the dining room in all her dirtiness. The sight made her wonder how much influence Aplite had on the young mare. She thought back to how the mare had introduced herself. Her father sure like lies. Poor girl, she must have believed it. But it doesn’t excuse her harsh words.
In the dining room she was met by a mare dressed in dirty black and white clothes. A small sign that said, Waitress, hung by her neck area. Without a word she slowly led Rarity to a red sitting pillow on the far end of the table.
"Thank you," Rarity said to the waitress who left without a word. Most of the table was already full of ponies in dirty clothing sitting and chatting with each other. Aplite seated himself on the direct opposite of her, and Rain was sitting right next to him. On the table silverwares lied beside a napkin on a blue tablecloth with red patterns. Candle lights stood all over the table and were the only source of light the room got. The waitresses were handing out glasses to everypony that contained a translucent fluid. Some ponies started sweating with their tongues hanging out from looking at the glass.
"Welcome everypony!" Aplite said standing up with a loud voice as Rarity received her glass as the last pony to get it. At closer inspection the fluid looked like water, and she couldn’t understand why some ponies looked so eager to drink it. "Today I welcome you to another wonderfully successful harvest. With us here we have a special guest, Princess Rarity. Her help with my daughter, Rain, has been of great importance.”
The ponies attending first looked at Rain before directing their attention towards Rarity who tried her best to make her as small as possible. If only I could sink under the earth, Rarity thought. Her cheeks were turning redder for every second. The glass, even if it was only water, looked incredibly tempting to her. She had forgotten to ask what it contained, but she didn't care much anymore. She levitated it up and poured everything into her with one sweep. Acting like a lady seemed far off on her agenda. The fluid’s poor taste made her tongue and mouth to start burning. Nowhere close to her were there any plants or curtains where she could spit it out and doing so under the table would be impossible to do without them all noticing. The fluid was by no means water, and was one of the most disgusting ones she had ever tasted.
The guests kept on staring at her and some had started clapping slowly, but she still forced herself to swallow what remained of the drink. The disgusting taste was still stuck on her tongue, and she wanted nothing more than to spit to get rid of it, yet she had to draw the line somewhere of how far she could go with brute commons. In front of her a red napkin lied, and she got an idea from it that would make sure she could remain her act. She levitated it to her mouth and used it to cover her mouth so that it looked like she was cleaning her mouth. In reality she was licking it to get rid of the taste. It tasted like cloth, but it was better than the drink. More ponies had joined in with the clapping and soon most of the table were clapping at her.
Did they see? she asked herself and licked the napkin a few more times. The taste still stuck on her tongue, and she started feeling that something was starting to come up her throat. She did her best on keeping it down without making too much of a weird face.
"Amazing!" a stallion declared and stood up. With him ponies all around the table stopped clapping and raised themselves up to praise her.
"For years we’ve had the Hollow drink served during the start of every party," Aplite said, raising himself up with the others. Only Rain was still seated, and she had a glare in her eyes that wasn't showing disappointment, but eagerness. "No pony has ever managed to drink it up before the food started rolling in. You truly are a princess." He bowed himself down deeply.
"Princess Rarity!" the guests declared and bowed as well. Unlike the others, Rain ran out of the door with an incredible speed. Yet Rarity could only bring herself to sit still watching and licking the napkin. She was forcing down vomit that did nothing to help her taste.
"There's no need," she blurted out from beneath the napkin. "I appreciate it very much, but I'm not a princess."
"Just wait until the children hear this," a mare said ignoring Rarity's words.
"We have to tell them now," another one said.
"This tale can't be put on hold," a third said. "The celebration has to wait, let’s go." As one big horde the guests fled out of the room fighting their way through the doorway in a massive noise. Only Rarity remained in the once crowded room. Not even the waitresses were to be seen. Pillows had been kicked all over the room. Glasses and silverware had been thrown down and made the floor close to the table a wet mess. Since she was sure that she was alone, she slowly stood up from the pillow while making sure that she wasn’t doing any quick moments that might cause an accident. She couldn’t remember seeing any toilets nearby, but she was sure there would be some close by.
Don’t let it out, she thought as she passed by the wet disgusting puddles of the fluid. The mere sight of it made her want to throw up.
"Don’t worry," she could hear Aplite say as he entered the room again. She instantly covered her mouth with her hooves and kept it all in, at a great discomfort for her tongue. "Nopony noticed your behaviour. In fact, they loved you. Your glass only contained water. Although it did have a certain ingredient to it that made sure it looked similar to the Hollow. I’m sorry it tasted bad, Princess. There’s a glass of pure water at the exit."
"I am no princess," Rarity answered while looking coldly at the stallion. A whole village thinks I'm something I'm not, something I don’t deserve.
"Apologies," Aplite replied. "I pushed the notion on, even after your objections, because I want to make my daughter a true lady. She isn't made for the life out here, but out here we know nothing of the elite. Her ego is so big that the only pony she would listen to is a princess. No pony remembers when Princess Celestia last was here. Princess Luna hasn't been here since her banishment, and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza has never been here. Not even the weather team comes here. The Pegasi just bring the clouds, but they never visit us. The only thing I could do was to pretend that somepony else was a princess, and it had to be somepony from the outside."
"And you chose me," Rarity filled in and stepped away from the puddles. It might have been a different drink, but the sight reminded her too much of the taste. "Your lies are what are preventing Rain from becoming a true lady, not this village, however uncouth it may be. You couldn’t even be honest with her now, and you dragged me into it.”
"They won't care about you for long," Aplite said and met up with the Unicorn. "You haven't done any farm work yet. Without it they will soon forget about you. But my daughter, she's not like the others, she will remember. I know it’s a lot to ask, but will you please help her?"
"I assume you don't know anypony in the fashion elite," Rarity continued with disapproval in her voice. "It was just another lie to make me come here."
"I know Hayseed," Aplite hastily threw out to defend himself.
"I’m afraid that’s far from the fashion elite," she declared and moved towards the exit remembering the Earth Pony that had bumped into her in Canterlot at a very bad time. The room filled her with memories of lies and betrayal. But it also reminded her that she wasn’t the only one who had been lied to. A pony with raindrops as a cutie mark had suffered much worse than her because of the lies. “I will help your help your daughter. I do believe the fault isn’t entirely hers. She is lost because of what you’ve done. If she’s to find herself, you need to be the one to guide her. I can only help mend her rude behaviour.”
“I will do my best, thank you,” Aplite replied and looked away slightly.
“Meet me at your daughter’s house in a few minutes,” she suggested. “Everything will be ready and your daughter will look fabulous.” She levitated the glass of water that lied next to the exit on her way out and drank it up. She rolled the water on her tongue for as long as she could before swallowing it. It wasn’t cold, but it helped the taste a little bit.
"Thank you!" he called out again, but it was only barely that Rarity could hear it. The night made the village look a lot darker and the woods surrounding the village looked all the more terrifying. She had to summon forth a small guiding light to be able to see where she was going. Without worrying if anypony would see her, she made her way to the house where she first met Rain while keeping her head held high. The taste of the vomit was still on her tongue, yet it seemed like a distant concern for her now.
Rain opened the door anxiously to the blue house when Rarity arrived. The Earth Pony had traded the dress she had received for a brown dirty dress with markings of vegetables all over it. "Princess, you came here?" she asked with a tone of both happiness and fear. "How do I look? Please say I look good. I so want to be on my best for you, Princess."
"Darling, we’ll fix you up," Rarity said and smiled slightly. “You can’t be wearing that crime against fashion. Let’s get you into something much more appropriate for a lady like you."
"Yes please, Princess." Rain replied.
With the help of her magic, Rarity dressed the Earth Pony in the blue dressed she had brought with her. This time Rain didn't object to the cosmetics, but simply sat still and allowed the Unicorn to do as she pleased. "This will make you look marvellous," Rarity said and applied some false eyelashes to the Earth Pony. One little belief had changed the Earth Pony’s attitude completely, but she felt guilty for keeping up the lie. She had already thought of a plan that would make it seem like Aplite did the work instead of her. Something she figured he wouldn’t like all too much, but she wanted to minimize her presence. If she was going to keep a lie so big, she didn’t want it to harm them.
“I’m sorry I acted like I did towards you at first,” Rain said and interrupted the silence. “How was I supposed to know that you are a princess? I work so hard on keeping the harvest alive, but they never thank me. They respect me because I’m the Mayor’s daughter, but they don’t like me. I think they’re jealous that they rely so much on me. But you like me? Don’t you, Princess?”
“Perhaps you should treat them more kindly,” Rarity suggested as she applied mascara to the Earth Pony. She looked at the raindrops that served as Rain’s cutie mark, and she recalled what Aplite had said about the weather team. “If you are to become a lady, you must learn how to treat other ponies with kindness.”
“I can do that,” Rain sighed. “But only because you say so. And they’ll still have to thank me for what I do for them. Do you ever lose control?”
“I must say that…” Rarity started, but she was interrupted before she could finish.
"This looks amazing," Aplite said as he entered the house and bowed in front of Rarity. "What will you have me do?"
"Tell your daughter everything that you’ve kept hidden from her," Rarity whispered in his ear. "I do say that she looks like a lady now, but she has a lot to learn. But first you need to be honest and comfort her. This is between you two, so I’ll head back to Ponyville to not risk escalating the situation you have put me in. I’ll send you letters on what you need to teach her." She gave a subtle evil eye to the stallion.
“As you command, Princess,” Aplite said so that Rain could hear and bowed.
“You mustn’t call me that again,” Rarity repeated annoyed. She levitated her saddlebag to her back and took one look at Rain. The young mare looked vastly different from when they first met. The dirt from her hooves was gone and the scars covered so that it looked like no wounds had ever existed there. The dark rings were gone and instead her face almost glowed yellow. Her cerise mane covered a small part of her left eye it went straight down. Rarity withdrew her look from the mare after a few seconds and waved goodbye to the two Earth Ponies as she left the house.
As she passed by the houses of the village she could hear ponies talking about exaggerated stories about her. She couldn’t help but smile at it. Even though she knew they were lies. Lights were lit in the windows, and she could see in for the first time. Fillies and colts were sitting on the floor around their parents listening excitedly to the story. Things hadn't gone the way she had planned, but stories had been created and a young mare started her journey to become a real lady.
I'll never return here, she thought and put the village behind her as she ventured into the dark forest with a light guiding her way. It didn’t look so frightening any longer.
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Author’s note, because I like having them in the comment section rather than the description. And, um, I got nothing.
That was actually a pretty good little fanfic. Better than i expected.
1312216
Thank you.
I enjoyed the read
All I could really see was some minor editing needed. For example:
In the first paragraph: "She was walking on the only road that lead to the village,"
it should be led here not lead. Also it's more my personal preference, but a period would probably fit better than a comma here.
The rest is pretty much more of the same. Period instead of comma and so on. All in all though very said minor stuff. It was a fun story.
1313693
Thank you, the first paragraph has been fixed.
I'll see what I can do about the full stops, I do have a habit of allowing my sentences to go on for a really long time.
1313729 Like I said it's more of my personal preference than an actual need.
I tend to keep my sentences fairly short, so any longer sentence correct or not looks odd to me. 
1313741
I fell the same when it comes to short sentences, but grammatically sentences are allowed to go on forever, so I can't qq about it...
1313762 True. My dad always points to the story Absalom, Absalom! (which he's still trying to get me to read) And it's like three page sentence, whenever I bring it up.
1314070
I've heard about that book. It says that one certain sentence contains over 1000 words...
1314217 That's crazy
Hey there! Review train here. I guess this is my first review as an official TWE reviewer, so let's get started!
Overall, I thought it was a decent story. I like how you showed Rain and Aplite's characters as the snobbish daughter and weak father, and I think it would be interesting to read more about them and their interactions. The setting was interesting, and overall, I thought you build the characters and setting very well.
However, I didn't think you captured Rarity's character as accurately as you could have. She doesn't seem to react at all when Aplite first calls her a princess. Sure, she feels confused, but that's really not a strong enough reaction for an assertion like that. I would expect her to immediately ask why he called her that. The way she reacts now, it almost seems like she accepts the title as her own, like she actually is a princess, and I kept wondering if I'd missed a story somewhere.
Also, she would not react charitably, or even ambivalently, at all to Rain's initial assessment of her as one who knows nothing of fashion. She would certainly keep her cool, but inside she would be fuming. Fashion is her life, her passion, and she would be furious if a 'hopeless' case like Rain tried to pretend her fashion sense was superior to Rarity's.
Then there was this line when she mentions the harvest situation to Aplite:
What? Aplite's explanation is confusing at best, and Rarity doesn't really talk like this anyway.
Finally, the conclusion. Despite these issues, you did a great job of setting up the situation and characters, and I find it incredibly hard to believe that Rain and Aplite's problems could be solved in a brief fashion consultation. Rain's problems are far deeper than simply knowing what to wear. She's rude and snooty and either doesn't know or care about how to look good. Learning to be a princess, even just in appearances, would take time, patience, and practice, and if there's one thing Rain doesn't seem to be, it's patient. Then, you have the deeper issue of her attitude. She treats Rarity like scum, despite the fact that she's there to help and made her amazing dresses. As Rarity would say, it's very unladylike.
Then there's Aplite. He comes across as a well-intentioned but clueless and somewhat weak father figure, unable to teach his daughter even the basics of etiquette and manners. He resorts to lies and feeble excuses, which only makes him look weaker as a leader. In a way, he needs just as much help in his sphere as Rain does in hers, help I think Rarity could give him with time. Rarity even hints that he needs to change and improve, but she didn't try to help him at all. It would be the equivalent of me saying, "Your story needs work," without offering specific ways in which you could improve.
Finally, there's the dynamic between Aplite and Rain. Their relationship is clearly broken, to say the least. Rain walks all over him, and he's too weak to keep her in check. Healing this father-daughter relationship seems to be the greatest good Rarity could achieve by helping them, but she doesn't to nearly enough to help. You have two great characters with a great dynamic, but I would have loved to see how it evolved over time as both worked through their problems.
Also, I think it would be interesting to see how Rarity handles the village's perception of her as a princess as she tries to give Rain and Aplite the help they need. That's more of a side benefit, though.
All right, lets move on to some technical things
You have a ton of run-on sentences. I've pulled out a few examples to illustrate what they are and how to fix them, but mostly you need to go back through and find them on your own.
First, boring definition stuff. A run-on sentence is a sentence that contains too many ideas (usually more than one). The problem can be resolved by either splitting the ideas into two sentences or connecting them with an appropriate conjunction. Let's look at this one:
Here, you have the idea of Rarity walking down the road and the idea of what the road looks like. Putting each of those thoughts in their own sentence allows the reader to process them one at a time, thereby increasing comprehension. So, instead of a comma, let's put a period between 'village' and 'it.'
See how that puts each idea in its own sentence? This reduces confusion and, by extension, makes your story easier to read.
Let's look at another:
Here we have the idea of the station itself, its condition, and its physical description. Three ideas that are related, but still individual ideas. It's okay to connect related ideas with a conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so), but doing this too much results in confusion. So, let's try formatting this sentence like this:
Since the ideas of the station itself and its condition are simple and closely related, it makes sense to connect them. However, the physical description is a little more complicated, so it's better to give it its own sentence.
Here are two more I pulled out:
The first one has two ideas; the second, three. I'll let you decide what those are and revise them accordingly. Run-ons are usually very easy to fix, so it's mostly a matter of finding and fixing them.
Well, I'll leave it at that, for now. Overall, a pretty good story, though I would have liked to see you do more with the characters. Hope this helps! Review train out!
~Scribblestick, TWE reviewer
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Thank you for taking the time doing this. It can't be easy.
I'll start from the end here. They aren't actually run-on sentences, but comma splices. Apparently those are equally bad in the English language so your point is true. I'll see what I can do about them without resorting to full stops.
I didn't intend for Aplite to come of as weak, actually he was meant to be the only one with outside knowledge. As for Rain, she has good etiquette and manners. But those only goes for her village. Cultural differences and such. Which is kind of why Aplite had Rarity come, while he has experience from the outside, he doesn't have enough, and Rain is too fine to be doing farm work. So to get by, she has to be going to the outside where the cultural differences come to play. It's my fault for not making it clear.
Same with Rain's and Aplite's relationship. I never meant for it to come off as a broken one, just Aplite not having the knowledge to teach Rain how to make it in the cities like Canterlot. I did want to delve deeper into Rain's personality, but this story had a five thousand word limit, and I was already cutting it way too close. The closest I was able to get was a play with her cutie mark. Which is kinda were the princess thing would tie in. I probably need to make that clearer as well.
You are right about the whole harvest issue explanation. It really shouldn't have been in the story as I realised there was no way for me to truly explain it in a good way, but for some reason I wanted to keep it to show off Rarity's element. At least I know now that it didn't work out.
I thought of having Rarity ask why she was called princess, but I failed at coming up with a good answer for Aplite if she asked. So I tried to make her feel confused and even think that it was a misused word. I'll see if there's a way for me to make it more clear, or else I will have to change it completely.
I probably missed answering something now, and this text is most likely a grammar mess, but certain devices just aren't made for writing long texts.
Alright! A week overdue, but I'm finally here! I forced our alpha wolf to stop before she ran the whole pack into the ground. Ah well, what can I say? I'm the psychotic one, but I had to help her. Good luck figuring that one out. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png
Let's get started, shall we?
First off, this was a really good story. I found myself wondering what's gonna happen next, why they were calling Rarity a princess, and what was the problem with the town. You did a wonderful job bringing up questions and then answering them. That's really important in stories, and I'm glad you did that.
Alright, a few things I wanted to point out.
1. Um, Ouch. Little harsh there, huh Rare? I'm not too sure if I like Rarity's behavior right here. She wields the Element of Generosity, right? So shouldn't she want to share her dresses with everypony, even if it's in a backwater town? I understand if you did that for the story itself, but I just wanted to bring that up. It seems a little shallow of her to think like that.
2. The descriptions, MY GOD the descriptions. I'm a visual reader, I like to imagine myself there whenever I'm reading a story. Because of the fact that this isn't a place that's seen in the show, we won't automatically know what it looks like, for example if this took place in Ponyville.
See what I mean? You wrote about the buildings. How they looked, what made some of them different then the others. You described the road, what the houses had around them. You said what was going on around the town, what kind of animals were in the town.....
This I like! I felt like I was in Rarity's hooves, or at least next to her. One thing that I was taught, and always try to tell others is that you can never use to many details. I was told about an author that wrote five pages describing what fall looked like around Ponyville. As long as you keep up the amazing details, it's really, really, good.
1. Did the town only have earth ponies in it? That would explain why Rain was so hostile towards Rarity. I didn't see that though, so if I missed it, I'm sorry.
2. Ugh, I don't like Rain. But don't get me wrong, I know you wrote her like that on purpose. I guess this complaint is more of a personal thing for me, so feel free to ignore it.
3. You know, unicorn or not, I would expect that Rain would appreciate at least getting the dresses. Once again, my personal thought, feel free to ignore.
1. If I say anything else about the details, I'm going to sound like a broken record. I like them.
2. Okay, this is what bugged me a bit. We are talking about Rarity here. In my opinion, one of the most dramatic ponies on the show. Also, her passion is fashion.(no rhyme intended. I'm not Zecora) So, Rain is acting like she knows more about fashion then RARITY. Rarity would have said something, I'm pretty sure. And I'm 99% sure that she wouldn't have left Rain without her mane and face fixed. I'm not trying to yell, just want you to see what I'm seeing. You have to remember to portray the character well.
3. What the heck is Rain's problem? Is she just oblivious to the fact that somepony actually is trying to help her? I hope you explain what's wrong with her.
1. Whoa,what? I missed the first one, but I can catch it here. I'm pretty sure that if anypony called her a princess, Rarity would be questioning them, Immediately. But she just shrugs it off. The pony that's obsessed with royalty, doesn't have any questions to being called royalty?
2. Um, why did Rarity just let the matter of the food drop? I read what Aplite said about the contest twice, and I'm still really confused about what he meant. Either way, I don't think that Rarity would have let the matter go that easily.
1. So they were laughing at her, because she was worried that they would starve? What the hdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Fluttershy.png ll?! That doesn't make any sense at all! That's equivalent to Twilight asking if Fluttershy was okay when she had her little episode with Iron Will, and having Pinkie and Rarity giggle their plots off! (Not the best analogy.) This seems really out of chracter for them. Now I know that the only ponies we've seen Rarity intercat with was Rain and Aplite, but this seems really heartless.
2. I don't even know what's up with that drink. Did they spike it?
1. So, to gain their respect, she had to drink a spiked drink? That's....interesting.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
2. It WAS spiked!. What is it with this town and treating this "princess" like crap? I'm surprised Rarity hasn't flipped out on them yet.
1. Right there with you Rare. I wouldn't return there either.
Final grade: A
Final advice: Character development.
I really liked this story. I found it interesting that Aplite basically manipulated everything Rarity did for his own benefit. Still though, I think that Rarity would have been more then little upset. I also wanted to know why Rain was so upset and hostile to Rarity. Little more insight on the characters would have been welcome.
Your grammar and spelling is a welcome sight from the stories I've gone though lately.
Also, the details. Keep that up, PLEASE.
And that's it from me. If you'll excuse me, I think we're heading to the mountains next. Bye!
Howling at you from here to the netherworld,
twow443, TWE's Psychotic Demon Wolf
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It took forever, and more than forever. But it's finally updated. If you don't mind, could you perhaps say what you think of it? Better? Worse? Completely destroyed the story? Someone who has chosen not to comment seems to think the latter. Not much I can learn from that really, oh well.
I'll try to send in to a reviewing group as well, just to keep an extra view on it. Even if they hate me. But, yeah, I would really appreciate if you could say what you think.
Hello there, Invisible Cadance. I'm B_P from WRITE, responding to your request for a review on this story. I notice that a few of my acquaintances have offered their own thoughts in the past, so I’ve gone ahead and not read them, just to be sure that the story in its current iteration is hitting me properly. Rest assured that any similarities between my review and theirs are coincidental.
Right off the bat, I’m noticing a couple of mechanical issues; there's misuse of a comma right in the first sentence. “Hollow Shades” doesn’t function as a sentence introduction in this context, so it just comes off as weirdly and improperly tacked on to the front of what is otherwise a perfectly legitimate sentence. This would be the spot for a full stop, just having “Hollow Shades” as an artsy little fragment. Times like this, where you’re using a comma in inappropriate areas, actually seems to come up a notable number of times throughout the story. Just know that you can’t use a comma to connect independent clauses all on its own; that’s a semicolon’s job.
There’s hyphen misuse (or, rather, a lack of use) as well, in areas such as this:
You need hyphens in order to form compound adjectives like this. If the first word of the compound adjective has an “-ly” (e.g. icily tempered, friendly faced), then no hyphen is required, but aside from that, you need them. Only when that compound is in front of the word it modifies, though (“She was a fresh-faced filly” vs. “The filly was fresh faced”).
There’s also a bit of a repetition problem. In the first eight sentences, for example, you use the word “road” all of five times. And in the third paragraph, there’s a two-sentence span where you use the word “dresses” three times. At the end of that very same paragraph, there’s this:
Areas like these just get a bit stale and awkward; you need to toss in a bit of variation or at least find some workarounds (like a simple “it” or “them”). There are loads more examples of this throughout the story, so all I can advise is that you just give it another reading through on your own and keep a sharp eye out for identifiable words coming up an excessive number of times over a short length.
I also spotted some areas that were just plain confused and in need of a rework. For example:
Here, you imply that the fields have sweat all over them, and that that sweat is pulling up vegetables, as well as that the cats are running, like, in the roads, like with tunnels or somesuch. Be very careful with both your word usage and your punctuation in the future, as spots like this are quite immersion-breaking and unpleasant. There are, in fact, so many issues with word usage (something with which experience with the language is the only thing that can help) that I'm going to stress that you should look for a more experienced writer, or group, perhaps, that is willing to go through this story with a fine-tooth comb and tell you what needs changing.
There were a number of general, one-off errors that needed fixing as well, such as these:
That’s all I put down before I realized just how time-consuming it was becoming when I should just be focusing on your review, but I assure you, there were more errors than these. You may want to grab yourself a dedicated proofreader.
Sorry about all that. Normally, mechanical issues aren’t the first thing I cover, but you hit me with two of them right in the first sentence, so it just sort of happened. But yes, now for my thoughts on the actual story.
I’m having a bit of trouble with the premise, to be honest. Rarity was commissioned to make dresses by a stallion who runs some sort of backwards cult of a society? Rarity makes those dresses, specially ordered for one girl, without ever having seen said girl? She treks to the stallion’s home on foot over who-knows-how-much land and through a dark, disturbing forest, all because he said he “had connections with the fashion elite”? She has connections with the fashion elite... It all just doesn’t seem very plausible to me.
And what’s with her attitude? You make a point to tell the reader just how important it is that Rarity be on her best behavior around Aplite, but she snaps at him with every other verbalization. This seems really odd when you consider that she doesn’t snap at Rain, who is actually insulting her. All Aplite did was mistake her (in her eyes) for a princess. Hardly something to abandon decorum over, insisting that he stop being such a liar as a knee-jerk reaction.
And, in the end, how is she alright with what’s happened? How can she leave this dark place, full of what appears to be slave labour, corruption, and quite possibly inbreeding, with nothing more than the resolution that she’ll never return? Something was wrong with Hollow Shades, and she never really seemed to acknowledge it. And why does this story have only a Slice-of-Life tag (and, not to mention, no OC tag)? Dark things were happening there, and the entire story had a very deliberate disturbing air...
All in all, I must say that this story wasn’t for me. The plot seems disjointed or strange more often than not, and your characterization (especially in the case of Rarity; Aplite was actually interesting, in his own, illogical way) left quite a bit to be desired. I know you’re familiar with the way that people act, and what makes for a good plot, being a person and a reader yourself. I’m sure you can smooth things out here. You may need help from outside sources for the mechanical issues, but for everything else, I would suggest that you sit and really think about this strange situation that you’re putting your chosen character in, and how she would really react.
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-- Burraku_Pansa, WRITE's Trainer Admin and Resident Namesmith
I am Kalash93 from authors helping authors.
Я Калаш93 от Авторов Помогают Авторbl.
I will read your story and then I will write in the morning. It is four in the morning where I am.
Я прочитаю вашу историю и тогда напишу утром. Сейчас это в четыре часа где я.
Excuse me, but I know only a little of the Russian language.
Извени, а я знаю только немного русского языка.
This is Kalash93 from Authors Helping Authors, writing up your review. Я могу этот переводить на русский язык. Должен я?
Grammatik: 8/10 -- Хорошо. Your grammar was better than I had expected it to be. Your spelling is also quite good.
Pros:
1. This is the first story about Hollow Shades I have ever read.
2. Hollow Shades was created and developed effectively.
3. You handled Rarity's character well in how there was conflict between her generosity and her sense of propiety.(пристойность).
Cons:
1. The plot was not very easy to understand.
2. Your writing style is extremely simplistic.
3. You ought to polish your translation.
Comments:
This really is the first story I have ever read about Hollow Shades. I have seen references to it, but I have never read anything that actually occurs in Hollow Shades. I like when I read something innovative which gives attention to something that is often ignored. You did excellent work in how you created and developed the village. The atmosphere surrounding it was very heavy. Your usage of imagery, particularly lighting, shadows, weather, and colours (UK spelling of "colors" Pyc: цвета), was highly effective and something which many authors neglect to do. From the very beginning, everything you did established that it was a peasant village and not a very nice place to live. You tackled world building and succeeded. I also like how you used Rarity for this story. It is a very interesting idea to use Rarity, who is a village pony, but behaves and wishes to be a bourgeoise pony, for this story. The contrast between the ladylike (женоподобный) Rarity and the peasants (крестьяне), is very interesting. You certainly captured the feeling of being a stranger in a small hick town. However, not all is well with your story. My biggest problem is with how you handled the plot. It seemed as if you were being deliberately vague and obtuse with regards as to how you handled it. Maybe I wasn't paying close enough attention. Either way, for a very significant part of the story, I had absolutely no idea why everypony was calling Rarity a princess. It was honestly quite vexing. You did not really reveal what rarity was doing in Hollow Shades or why she was there until almost the very end. You start off with a dress delivery, which then gets turned into taking a tour of the town and going to a bar, Then she goes back to the house and has a few conversations and then least. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, to be honest. I would move the big reveal to occur much earlier in the story. Granted, you did try to build up to it and show the reader why Rarity would want to stay. However, I not get the feeling that you were effective enough at doing this. Providing more characterization for Rain might help. My second complain is with your writing style. In many ways, it is extremely simplistic. Yes, your grammar is competent and you vary your sentences in both length and complexity. However, you do far too much telling and not enough showing. Не рассказывай мне; я хочу смотреть! You used far too many blunt statements instead of allowing the action to speak. In this aspect, you must be like a director of a film. He does not hold up a title card stating "Грусть есть у Таня. Tanya is sad." He has Tanya look at the ground, walk slowly, and cry. He dulls the colors, dims the lights, and makes the scene mostly quiet with only only some accompanyment from a piano or a viola (виола). It is more interesting to read about something by observing it happen rather than by being told about it. Finally, your English is rough. It is definitely better than my Russian, but it is still rough. Most of it is grammatically correct, but the syntax is unusual. I noticed a lot of Russian grammatical constructions and patterns. You also made a few odd word choices. Your English worked well enough, but it can be much better with practice.
You receive 6/10 flutteryays. The average is 5/10.
Я надеюсь Тебе понравилася рецензия.
I hoped you enjoyed the review.
Please read and review one of my stories. You may pick whichever one you like.
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Thank you very much for the review. I'll return the favour once I have the time (which should be within the next few days hopefully).
One thing I would like to point out is that this story actually isn't in the AHA folders. Try and keep the folders in mind next time, since its not always people want all their stories reviewed.
Thank you once again for the review. You shall have yours soon.
REVIEW – A for Effort, n°3
Reviewer, RealmOfMereShadows
The following review is as objective as possible but will eventually contain some subjective influences. I’m a French reviewer, I like wiping my ass with silk like the Merovingian.
Once you’ve posted your story in the group A for Effort you’ve accepted to be reviewed. No review is made to humiliate the writer but to make him grow up and enhance his skills.
Name of Story, Princess Rarity
Grammar, 9/10
I have not seen any error in your text which would hurt my eyesight.
Spelling, 9/10
I have seen no visible spelling mistakes but careless ones and an omission:
The verb is missing.
Originality,
The fact that Rarity is the main character is the main key of the originality of your text. It is infrequent and noticeable. The idea so far is very interesting but remains (My PoV) unexploited this could become a full story and not only a one-shot.
The originality is the relation between Rain and Rarity, and this is why the story is unexploited, Rain may embody what Rarity could have been or fears to be.
Characters,
Rarity is well-presented and does not turn out to be a stereotype of the character as we have seen too much in fan-fictions.
OC's,
Rain remains a cliché but this has to be related to the fact that this is a one chapter story.
Synopsis'
Like I said in Originality, the idea is interesting and could become the keystone of a long story developing the relation between Rain and Rarity.
Pros:
1) Rarity
2) The relation
3) The ambiance in the first part
4) Hollow Shades
Cons:
1) One-Shot, the plot is meant to be a full story in my opinion
2) Rain is a bit cliché
Additional Notes:
What struck me is the first part of the story, which reaches its climax with the “Hollow” brew. The atmosphere is oppressing and could lead to a darker story. What a pain this ambiance crumbled down afterwards.
The story is interesting but (I’m only repeating myself) remains skimmed through. The peasants, the father and Rain, Rarity and Hollow Shades deserve more attention (and likes? Maybe).
LAST WORDS:
nsa34.casimages.com/img/2013/06/15/130615014400909317.png
You’re approved in the Main Folder of “A for Effort”! Well Done
Raven: ......... Sighs heavily I wanted to find myself a story of the Hollow Shades, and I find this, which is kinda about the Hollow Shades, but, to be honest....... I feel as if I wasted my time reading it. It was so boring........
Dr. X: Agreed. Nothing entertaining nor amusing in my eyes in the slightest.